53. NO MORE INTERVIEWS

After the summer I decided to make a great change in my life. As I said before, Ingmar and I had invented a game, which was called Seize the Day and it had several levels, which we had to achieve. One of those levels, which I had to pass, was to complete some unfinished business, which I had started when I was 18 years old and I just gave up. And I'm referring to my first big dream ever, the one which I had since I was 5 years old: to become a geologist. I'd studied Geology for a semester until I left Norway. Never before had I thought that I'd complete something like that, but then I realised it was high time I finally achieved that. Whatsoever I am the kind of person who always starts something from the beginning, therefore achieving my first dream was something very important to me. Furthermore, the time was suitable, as I myself was going through a phase in my life, during which I used to teach science at school. Therefore educating myself further was a very positive step for me. Whatsoever I had to stop occupying myself only with Art. It had already caused me many problems. So I decided to go back to the University and take a Geology course. It'd last two years, that is from September 2027 to September 2029. Along with that, I would continue teaching at school.

I realised that Australia's education system wasn't the same as it used to be. The children now had a much lower educational background and this is something I noticed both in my students and Anna's school. Many children had a low educational background and sometimes it was quite hard for them to make them distinguish between terms such as science and faith. Some teachers would even confuse these two. I can refer to a specific example from my daughter's school. Anna, who had just started Junior High School, had talked to me about some incidents at her Biology class at school. Since the beginning of the semester, their teacher had told her students she wasn't going to teach the whole book, but omit some chapters, as some of its theories were wrong. At some point in the lesson, the children were taught about the classification of the species. The teacher, who was a biologist (I highlight this) pointed out to the children that dinosaurs lived alongside the human species. My daughter was aware of fossils and the geological time, because not only had we talked about it together, but she had also read that in her books. Then she dared to tell her teacher that we cannot find fossils in the wrong geological time because this cancels out the theory of evolution itself. Her teacher went mad and started saying that the theory of evolution is just a theory, belongs to the past and we shouldn't talk about it anymore. And this was something that a biologist used to say to children in a school! I suggested that Anna asks her teacher about how she thought that species were evolved...or better appeared or developed (if you don't fancy the word evolution), but she didn't want to get into a fight with her. This thing was unbelievable. Teachers are highly responsible for how children develop their conscience. They can't just try and persuade them, in such a vulnerable age, that facts which are proved and we have evidence for, that they are just some theories. Fortunately, Anna comes from a family, which isn't that credulous and of course, Ingmar and I educate ourselves a lot and are real bookworms.

Time was going by and I was getting better and better. And for the first time in my life, I was feeling I started to have a balanced family life. I was spending time with my family, playing games, talking, going on trips, watching movies...we use to do everything. Christmas, 2027, was the best Christmas of my life, even though for the first time ever we experienced it in the summer. The only sad thing was that for the first time we were without dad. The most important achievement of mine, though, was that I wasn't absent anymore. All my life I felt I was completely absent, like being here without being really here. My body was present and my mind was absent. And I believed this would harm my child, as she would grow up without the presence of a mother. But things had changed. I was there and I was so happy to have my daughter, Anna.

In early 2028 the band started a new tour. I was glad of them to follow my advice and temporarily continue without me. Johanna was in lead vocals, who was also playing the acoustic guitar. And they could do without me so perfectly, so why were they complaining that I am the band? Johanna had one of the most beautiful and purer voices I'd ever heard. And furthermore, we could combine acoustic elements much better. Whatsoever acoustic folk music was the genre which I liked most of all. The band was completely acoustic when it started and also my own compositions mainly are based on acoustic music. For those who don't know it, Bryan is the one who snatches me away from it, otherwise, all of my compositions would be acoustic. But he is the one at the end of the day, who always tells me to put something more complex on it. So, I don't understand why Johanna couldn't replace me at all. I wouldn't be gone forever anyway.

Even though the band was convinced to accept my temporary departure, I can't say that the same holds true about the fans. A huge hoopla broke out after my announcement that I needed a break. I didn't refer to anything about my illness, but I only said I needed a break for health reasons. So, instead of wishing me to get well soon, they couldn't get enough of interviewing me, asking me about what I had, about whether I was going to die and some even asked me how long I was going to live. I really wanted to know whether all those journalists and fans are able to realise that artists are human beings and not production machines. What do they think we are? Robots that work like machines? We are simple human beings with feelings and insecurities. I was going through the second worse phase of my life, since that time I don't know if a new day would dawn for me, every single moment I was thinking that I could die any time soon and those people were asking me whether I was going to live! And the worst came from fans who were so unbelievable! I received so many messages, in which people were swearing at me, accusing me of abandoning the band. They were telling me I was an egoist and a narcissist and that I only care about my beautiful self, that's why I left. That I wanted to live a luxurious life, without caring about the consequences that my departure would have on others. That I was pretending to suffer from health problems and that I was alright, but I told one more lie, so I could be better off with that. Right! As I said before, I didn't know whether I was even going to die and decided to keep my mouth closed, so I wouldn't scare anybody, I wouldn't become a burden to anybody and...alas (!) because it was my own problem and if I even wanted to abandon my band forever, this was nobody's business. I wouldn't explain my decision to people. But I realised it was my own fault. And it was my fault for the following reason. I was the one who was talking about herself too much. I would never conceal myself and in many interviews, I'd done a great coming-out so many times. Journalists knew that if they asked me anything, I would be completely honest with them. I'd leaked so many personal details about me because I never liked lying nor insulting other people, telling them that they are asking me about personal information. However, since that time I made a great decision, which I followed for the rest of my life. I became as secretive as ever. And the most important. I never spoke to any interview again. Never. Ever. And for any reason. No more interviews. And I stated that, after that incident and being betrayed for the second time (the first was after the lawsuit), I would never speak to any interview ever. The other members of the band could do whatever they wanted. Interviews for me, though, were over.

Alexandria had a break from touring during the Easter holidays. Therefore, Nancy visited me for the first time in Australia. We spent a lot of time together, just like the good old days, watching films, walking in nature and drinking fine wines in the evenings. One day we decided to go hiking in the mountain. While we were walking, there was a long downhill. I had always had acrophobia and I couldn't really walk a long way down, because I didn't have a good balance.

When I reached the downhill I felt vertigo coming over me and I told Nancy: "I can't walk down. Could you please take my hand?"

Then Nancy said to me: "No. You'll get down alone so that you overcome your fear".

"I can't", I said in a shaking voice. After complaining too much, Nancy said to me this: "Think, Ingrid, what fear is. How are phobias created? Fear is an emotion, which our amygdala creates so that it prevents us from being exposed to dangers and dying. It's connected to our instinct of survival".

Then I said: "You mean that I am afraid to gaze down from a large height because my amygdala causes a stimulus, which subconsciously makes me think that I might fall down and die?"

"Exactly", she said smiling. "Have this little dialogue with yourself and think that fear is only in our mind. Then take some deep breaths, put down your arms and walk the downhill".

In the end, I was willing to walk down alone, but I was constantly gazing at the ground. "Ingrid, look in front of you. Not down. In front".

I was walking down, thinking I have to be looking in front of me and I was constantly repeating the words fear is something fictitious, fear is something fictitious so that I could ultimately believe this. And it finally worked. I could walk down, without coming down with vertigo or nausea. Nancy would even make me walk in downhills so that I make myself getting used to it and not be afraid. Sometimes we would go to crazy roller coasters. Well, this is how I overcame acrophobia and since then I exercise, which will give me the boost for a better balance. And what I wish is that one day I will eventually have a good balance (however you take the word balance).

One night, Nancy and I were at home, chatting. At some point, the discussion turned to my health.

"Whatever this is what you have, are you feeling better now?"

"I am supposed to be cured after the operation", I said.

"So no need to worry".

I sighed. "I can never stop worrying, Nancy. What happened to me is very serious and it might happen again and..."

"Ingrid, what was wrong with you?", Nancy interrupted.

"I can't tell you".

"Why? Why such secrecy? I'm your friend and I'm worried about you".

"I'll tell you provided that nobody else in the band ever learns anything".

"Fine", she said.

"I had bone cancer, but...now I'm fine. I removed it".

Nancy had a frozen look on her face.

"It's a...miracle, that you are still alive", she whispered.

"I'm alive because my cousin is a good surgeon".

Both of us remained silent for a while.

"If anything happens again, you're going to tell me, right?"

I shook my head. "I promise".

She hugged me. "You're the best friend anyone would like to have".

I felt my eyes getting wet. Well, it was only people, who I was closely bonded with, who cared about me more than anyone else.