55. SIC MUNDUS CREATUS EST

 

The New Year brought new dreams and new adventures to us. During the previous year, we had travelled to many places and I even saw islands, to which I had never before imagined I was going to have the possibility to go. That was only the beginning. Even though my death anxiety was not that great anymore, in my mind there was still the thought that I have to do what I have never done, before I die. We didn't want to travel anywhere else -- at least not this year.

After the beginning of 2029, I felt I wanted to spend more time at home. I knew that the countdown to our returning to Norway had already started and only my studies were keeping me back. So, I was keeping myself busy with gardening a lot and the house itself. I liked house decorations and I had lately started watching videos of how to make ceramic pottery. My brother knew how to make glasses of clay and I had always found it to be really interesting. I had always wanted to learn how to make these by hand, but I'd never set a goal for that before, nor did I ever get the chance to do it. I, therefore, gave a promise to myself that once I go back home, first thing, I'll join a ceramic pottery arthouse and learn how to work with clay.

While I was at home, I'd started to watch a series on Netflix. Its name was Dark and I was watching it along with my daughter, Anna. Even though I was 33 years old, I was so hooked on it -- my daughter was too, though she was only 13. I had started watching it, as I was told that the place, in which the setting of the series was, is very reminiscent of the village Bryan used to live in Yorkshire and there was also a cave, similar to that one in the woods close his place. I love Yorkshire and, as I was going there constantly, I considered it to be something like my second home. Therefore, I was so interested in watching a series like that, mainly because of the landscape.

To cut a long story short, the plot goes as follows. A scientist creates a time machine, through which you can travel to the past -- or to the future. The gate is through Winden Woods, through a door in a cave. And the series shows how four different families, while they seem to be connected via mere friendship, in the beginning, they actually are...nothing but relatives. All these members of the families are the so-called voyagers and are part of a team, called Sic Mundus Creatus Est.

The series gets so complex, that you can't completely understand it, without getting confused, if you watch it only once. I watched all three seasons about three or four times so that I could understand how one is connected to the other. To make this clearer I have to bring an example. A character's daughter is her mother at the same time. So to say, the daughter went to the past, gave birth to her and then the baby was abducted (I won't say by whom, because my readers will get confused even more), it was transferred to another era and, adopted since, gave birth to two girls, one of which was, in fact, her own mother. And all this falls into a loop -- this is what the whole series is all about. Everything is repeated time and again and time itself has stopped.

People who know me are aware of the fact that time scares me. I'm frightened by the fact that times flies and I might not have the time to do all I ever wanted in my life. And this series stepped on this fear of mine and that's the reason why I loved it so much. I was so fond of this series that, when my sister, Johanna, came to visit, we watched it again together. When we watched the last episode, she said to me:

"Hey, this series was so good that we could somehow use it in the future".

"Fanfic", I said jokingly and my sister frowned and then we burst out into hysteric laughter. Johanna knows that, if there's something I detest in 'art', that's fanfiction. It's the most useless and most stupid thing ever.

"Album", she corrected me.

"Hmm", I said. "Do you think we could make a small duet and compose an album inspired by Dark?"

"No need for that. We already have our band."

"With Uaithnia? Are you sure?"

"Why not?", she said. "We usually have this band to write albums inspired by other forms of Art. Books, films, paintings. Why not even a series if we love it so much?"

She was right. Whatsoever Vivian and Nancy wouldn't have any problem at all. Even though I'm sure they hadn't watched the series or in case they just didn't like it, I was totally sure that the topic of time travel would fascinate them.

As I assumed, the rest of the guys agreed. Nancy was constantly watching sci-fi movies about time travel. Vivian, apart from movies, was reading many science books of this sort. Two of her favourite books were Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time as well as Einstein's book about the theory of relativity. The theory of relativity was also her favourite theory.

Thus we started to compose. In Australia, I had my synthesizer and my organ, so I had all my equipment there. When Ingmar saw me working, he was widely smiling at me. I'm afraid he had believed I was never going to compose anything again. That making my desires and dreams come true means I was going to leave everything else behind. But I didn't have this plan. It's only that my illness made me realise that my music and my work are not my whole life in total. How many dreams and ambitions I had had since I was little and I never made them come true, just because I never had the time?

An album we were inspired by, as far as the music was concerned, was Steven Wilson's The Raven that Refused to Sing. I used to listen to it a lot during that time (indeed, it was the last album I've been fanatically listening to) and I was usually playing it in the morning while doing house chores. I can recall that every time I was playing The Pin Drop, Anna was singing louder than the record. It was so sweet and touching. I like that record so much that I had stamped its cover on my shirt. Every time I was wearing that shirt, my friends were always like: "Ingrid wears The Raven again". I had liked Porcupine Tree since I was young and after they disbanded I was following Steven Wilson's solo career.

It seemed to me that the music we were writing was more down to earth. It was a bit reminiscent of Uaithnia's previous album, The Voyage because this also had some psychedelic or soundtrack-like pieces, but we had written some songs which this time had jazz and blues-rock influences. Some pieces were even influenced by Kansas and Gentle Giant. We had never done this before with Uaithnia. As I've already said Uaithnia is a band, which, to my mind, exists in order to enhance a book or a painting. It's not a band you can listen to while doing something which requires focus and attention. However, our new album also contained songs, which were complex and powerful. Yes, the new album was going to be an absolutely rock album.

We couldn't come up with a name for the record. We had a few choices, though. I thought we could name it The Crow's Lament, making a little bit of a wordplay and Steven Wilson's album. However, this name suits better a metal or a more epic album. Uaithnia didn't have this style. Another choice could be The Woods, inspired by Winden Woods in the series. In the end, Johanna had a brilliant idea. She suggested this album be a continuation of the previous one. Whatsoever in Dark, there was this team of the "voyagers", the Sic Mundus. The previous album was already called The Voyage. Johanna thought we could just call it The Voyage II. It was a marvellous idea and I thought we could give a subtitle to it as if it were a movie sequel. Therefore we could call it The Voyage II: Sic Mundus Creatus Est.

The album was recorded in Australia. This time we weren't alone, but with a company. Just like we did in many Alexandria albums, we now also got the help of friends, outside the band, to do some narrations. Therefore, we had written many small Poems, which would be narrated by my good friend, Jesikka Koskela. However, I had, myself, composed a song, Octoberon, inspired by the album of the same name by Barclay James Harvest and this one also contained narrations, which would be recorded with Jesikka's voice. When Ingmar heard the song, he said to me it was the most beautiful song I'd ever composed. I was so touched --as far as I can tell, you are touched to hear your husband that your song is the most beautiful tune you've ever written-- and that's why I suggested he did the narrations instead. Because of his Yorkshire accent, it sounded like a snippet of an old black and white British film.

We used the same studio, like the one we did, back when we had recorded the Welsh album. Photoshooting took place in the forest so that it would feel like Winden Woods and we retouched them so that it could create a psychedelic atmosphere. This suited a band like Uaithnia, indeed.

During all this time, that we were recording, my sister was staying with us in Australia. It was also a chance for her to hang a little bit with mum. For the first time ever, my sister and I were composing music literally together and we weren't just throwing ideas at each other and then each one of us sending her songs to the other. While composing on my own synthesizer, Johanna learnt my little secret. I told her why, instead of synth strings, I have always used an equinox sound. It was a little mistake of mine because back in the day my synth didn't have such good sounds, so instead of synth strings, I accidentally found equinox. My sister found this story so funny and at the same time brilliant, that she wrote a song, that was called Into the Equinox World -- and of course, was based on that sound.

At some point, the two of us were sitting inside the house.

"Monica filled for divorce", she said to me.

"What?", I exclaimed, as if it were something I hadn't an idea about. "What are you talking about?"

"Yes. She took the children and moved back".

"Back...where?"

"To Kirkenes", she replied. "Where else?"

"She hadn't told me anything about that. And...what's her mental state?"

Johanna laughed nervously. "Terrible. She blames herself for everything. She believes it's her own fault that...you know...dad passed and all that".

"But...", I was like "we knew that dad had cancer. It was inevitable to happen. No one's to blame about that, just like no one's to blame about my own health either".

"Monica thinks that had she been close to us all these years, dad would have fallen ill. Just like he missed her and she was always away".

"Look, it's true that Monica has always been away. I was upset about that too, exactly because we are twins, and we literally grew up together, so I missed her a lot. But you can't blame yourself for someone else's death. It's stupid and useless".

"I just think that she has always missed dad and now she lost him forever".

Then I said completely unconsciously: "Me too".

"What you too?"

"I miss dad".

We remained silent for a while. Noticing she wouldn't say anything, I added: "I couldn't say anything all this time".

"Why?"

"Because...I didn't get the chance to mourn dad as I should. I fell ill too and I had to look after myself. Mainly for my daughter".

"And what do you think you should be doing, Ingrid?", Johanna said abruptly. "Fall into pieces and be bursting out in tears all the time?"

"This is not what I told you, but I don't think my attitude was completely right. I don't blame myself for that, because I know I didn't have any other choice. But I can recognise the fact that I didn't mourn the way I should. And I'm telling you, Johanna, in fact, do you know what I dreamt about soon after we moved here?"

"What?"

"I was somewhere with mum, I think. Suddenly my phone started to ring and I saw it was writing Dad. I hid it quickly so that mum wouldn't see it and I pick up..."

"Wait a second", she interrupts me. "In your dream is dad alive?"

"No", I replied. "That's why I hid the screen. I pick up the phone and, as I didn't want mum to understand anything, I spoke as if it were some random friend Hi there. And he replied to me Hello Ingrid, how are you doing? I replied Fine, thanks. And you? -I'm fine. How's your mum? -Mum's fine, I replied. -Good. Take care of your mum, he said and picked down".

"Well, this is what your mind is telling you. That we don't look after mum properly after all this which has happened".

"I probably dreamt of this, because I miss him".

"Everybody misses him, Ingrid."

I wiped my face and felt I wanted to burst into tears. No, not this now. Then I tried to calm down and lit a cigarette instead. "Now, why this?", Johanna said.

"I can't...", I stuttered.

"Jeez, Ingrid, not after cancer".

I ignored her. She was right, but I'd rather keep on smoking than burst into tears before my sister. At least I would forget about dad for a while.

Johanna stayed in Australia for a few months until the album was recorded. The album was recorded in May 2029 and as we had said, it would bear the title The Voyage II: Sic Mundus Creatus Est. Its cover depicted a coil with numbers like clock hands, which symbolised the eternal loop and the non-existence of time.

After the release of the album, I sat for my last exams for my studies. And in June 2029, I graduated from the Geology faculty. It was a dream  --my first dream ever--, which I eventually accomplished, even though it was late. I can recall the same day that I went for a last checkup to my cousin's, Vigge's, office. I can clearly remember his words now: "Ingrid, you're clean, go home".

Go home. This is what I really wanted to do now. So, two days after my graduation and Vigge's words, I told Ingmar: "Ingmar, I'm healthy and happy now. I think it's time we left and we have to go back home to our hometown".

54. ADVENTURE

 

I started getting involved with music in May 2028 and this happened within the boundaries of my wanting to make an old dream come true. I didn't compose my own music, but I covered an album, working with Johanna, our new vocalist. When I was a child and I had just discovered Celtic music, I'd just found out about a record with Welsh songs, which also included the very first song I ever sang on the Celtic festival: Y Ddau Farch. Since then I have had a very distant dream to cover this album, using musicians from my own background and not the band. This dream of mine existed much before the band was formed, however, I'd known Bryan since then, so I was thinking I'd definitely work with him too. The whole situation fitted perfectly to me now, because I had met more people, who were playing Celtic music and I was sure they would agree with my idea.

The two first people I thought about were Johanna and Bryan. So, one fine morning I called Johanna.

"Hello, it's Johanna", she said half-awake.

"What do you think about the idea of me and you covering an album with Welsh songs?", I said abruptly, without even saying good morning.

"Err...I think it goes well with me...but what do you exactly mean?"

I cracked up and said: "Fine, when you're totally awake and have a coffee, call me back".

Finally, Johanna called me fifteen minutes later and said to me: "What were you exactly telling me about Welsh songs? I didn't catch a single thing".

"Listen", I replied. "When I was a kid, I had an all-time dream to cover a specific record with Welsh songs. Would you like to participate in that project of mine?"

"You mean sing?"

"And play the guitar as well".

"Of course", she answered. "I'm not sure I've ever listened to that album, but Welsh songs, this sounds...WOW!"

I smiled. "This is gonna be an unforgetful experience".

Of course, it would be. I would bring everybody here in Australia and whenever we weren't recording we would take the day off to journeys all around Australia and the islands.

"And do you intend to get more people involved in that?"

"For sure. Bryan is surely going to be in. We also need Nancy in the pipes and I'll probably need musicians from Yorkshire. I'll ask Bryan whether he can call some of them from Blakey Ridge".

And this is what happened. Bryan found my idea wonderful and he instantly rushed to call musicians, most of which I already knew. They were common friends of both of us who were playing music mostly at the Blakey Ridge but also at the Celtic festival in Ireland. I spent the whole summer, 2028, adapting the songs in Musescore 3, so that I could divide the parts in which every musician would play. The way I was working on was exactly the same as the one I was working on when composing symphonic music. Only that instead of symphonic instruments I'd use traditional ones.

An additional member of my project would be Shonna, Bryan's partner. I haven't spoken about Shonna so far, however, I'll make a long reference to her. Most people think I'm so bonded to Raglan Hundred, only because I've got a family with them. What most people are unaware of, is the fact that I have friendly relations with the rest of the guys. Indeed Shonna is the last person I became friends with before 2021 and we are still besties. It's true that I got to know Raglan Hundred through Vivian and Bryan, but there's a gap in the whole story. Most people think I got to know them in 2022 or 2023 after I'd moved back to Norway. However, this is how the whole story goes. In 2021 I'd seen Raglan Hundred live at the Blakey Ridge when their vocalist was still Lisa Harrington. Shonna was just 20 years old and had just joined the band as a backing vocalist. Lisa was the main vocalist, not Shonna. Bryan hadn't met Shonna yet. Sometime later, when I was in a terrible state at the hospital, Vivian visited me bringing Ingmar along. That beautiful day Ingmar and I met for the first time.

Shonna and I met each other in a completely unexpected way. I think it was during some exhibition in Yorkshire, which she had attended too. I recognised her because she has that distinctive red hair colour -- the same shade I wanted for years for myself and which I could never get right. And I told her, therefore this is how we got into contact. I told her that every time I see red-haired women, my heart is broken because I have always wanted to become like them too. And as I said, I instantly recognised her because I had watched a live show of the band and her voice had impressed me so much. Shonna had one of the purest and most beautiful voices I had ever listened to and it seemed so bizarre to me that Bryan hadn't ever listened to her before.

Shonna and I got along very well with each other right from the beginning, but I was so scared to approach her because I had had all these traumatic experiences with my so-called girl friends. However, Shonna was different. She wasn't a blonde wishy-washy chick. She was an innocent redhead and she was such a ... child. She was so young back then. At some point, we discussed the fact that most of my friends in Ireland were rats and she replied to me the same about her friends in the UK. That's why I started to care about her and I wanted to protect her from the poison. Exactly because I had always been so innocent and had nobody around to protect me, I wanted myself to protect this good-hearted creature.

After that, I introduced Shonna to my friends too and they were so willing to accept her in the company. And through me, she met Bryan as "Raglan Hundred's second vocalist". Bryan was impressed by her voice and by...well, by her red hair, of course...and by her as a person. And the rest is history.

To come back to my main point, Shonna was going to be one of the first people who would work with me on this project. In September, when the transcription was over, we went to the studio. I think these were the best sessions we'd ever had. The guys stayed in Australia for almost two months and whenever we took a day off, we'd go on excursions. We'd take long drives in Ocean Road. And because December was close, it was summer in Australia, so we could go for a swim.

Our excursions didn't always have a happy end. I remember some point when we were at the beach close to Melbourne and we decided to do some sea sport. When my time came, I decided to ride a jet ski. However, it is common knowledge that my body balance totally sucks. The jet dragged me so powerfully that I lost my balance and landed on the water as if I were a bag of potatoes. The issue, though, was that I fell on my back and hurt my ribs, so for a couple of weeks, I could barely move my shoulders. Therefore I never tried any water sport again, except for rafting or kayaking.

Furthermore, Australia is full of dangerous animals especially marine animals. One day we went to another beach, where I was stung by jellyfish. Fortunately, it wasn't that painful and I needn't go to the hospital, however, I had jellyfish tentacles on my body for days. I was quite lucky because in Australia lives a species of blue jellyfish, which is considered to be the most dangerous species in the whole world. Its sting is fatal to humans!

The worst experience I had in Australia wasn't with jellyfish, though. One evening I went down to the garden of my house in order to dig up some weeds. There was a bunch of weed on the ground, which had to be gathered up and thrown away. However, as soon as I picked up a bunch, underneath there was a huge black coiled snake. I sprang back some kilometres away and started screaming like a little girl. I am extremely afraid of snakes and, for those who don't know this, I have never managed to watch this scene in the first Indiana Jones movie, where he is surrounded by snakes. I always leave or close my eyes. Therefore I suffer from ophiophobia! Anna and Ingmar rushed out to see why I was screaming like that and when I told them about the snake, they started giggling at my little adventure.

So, except for recording, we used to go on journeys. Apart from my friends, I'd also travelling along with my family, but in more distant places and usually abroad. As long as we were living in Australia, it was easier for us to travel to the islands of Oceania; places I'd always dreamt of travelling in.

When I was younger, I used to watch documentaries or several series featuring exotic journeys to islands and since then I fell in love with islands. A surreal and wonderful dream I have always had is to get on my little boat and sail on every island of Oceania. One night I had this completely absurd dream. I was in the Galapagos Islands (Exactly! I suppose I wanted to take a look at Darwin's tortoises) with my family and we were swimming. Then we reached the coast and entered a hut, in which some people were playing music that sounded like a mixture of tribal and Latin music. After listening to their music, we headed towards our little boat. Suddenly, a huge tsunami approached us, which not only didn't get us drowned, but it was like a sort of means of transportation, as it threw us on some coast of Papua-New Guinea.

Some other time I had an even more bizarre dream. In general, during the time I was ill, I used to travel thousands of miles around the world, using Google Earth. Sometimes I would only watch the ship routes if, for example, some ship was travelling from the Caribbean coasts to the islands of Oceania. And the dream I had at that time was I was on that voyage, myself, along with my family and while we were in the Ocean, we were surrounded by enormous waves. No, this was no nightmare. We would successfully brave the waves and for us, it was quite an adventure.

I knew why I had these dreams. I had a lust for life and the fact that I had overcome cancer was a great challenge for me. I was convinced I was going to live for many years, that I would die very old, but of course, I had to keep my hopes in check. Even though I was sure about my life, this doesn't mean that I would be completely inactive for the rest of my life, thinking I can put off anything I desire or have to do. Wise men say, Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.

That's why I had to learn that nobody can survive on their own, to start with. Therefore I'd live all my adventures along with my family. And furthermore, I would indeed get into an adventure, this was something I'd definitely do. I didn't consider what all these madmen did in documentaries utopic anymore. It's just that a journey in exotic islands needs money, time and an excellent arrangement. Ingmar and I could achieve that. Both of us (and Anna as well) loved to plan to get into new adventures and our own future as well.

Therefore in the summer, we stayed in Sidney only for the recording session. The rest of the time we were planning to travel to the islands of Oceania. We went to Papua - New Guinea, Fiji Islands, to Tahiti, to Bora Bora Islands, to Micronesia, to the Solomon Islands, to Vanuatu, to the Marshall Islands and many many more. It was a huge cruise, unforgettable for everyone, especially the child.

In September the sessions for the record went on. I have already said that we were only covering a Welsh folk music album, which I was listening to when I was fifteen. That's not absolutely true. Through our cooperation with Johanna, a common song of ours was born: Goodbye Voyager. It was a semi-acoustic, semi-Celtic and semi-rock song, which would be often played live in the future.

Although Johanna and I had originally known each other for more than twenty years, we'd been real friends for almost three years now. We'd get to know each other better day by day and I'd realise how many things in common we had and how very much of the same skin we were. When I was a kid, Vivian used to call Johanna and my sister Johanna squared, but, as revealed, she had more things in common with me rather than my sister. She would protect me as if I were her younger sister. And for those who don't know, Johanna had studied linguistics and the topic of her PhD was islands (for non-linguists I'll explain later what islands are --anyway they have nothing to do with actual islands surrounded by the Ocean).

Recording sessions were done and the album was released in November 2028. Its title was Music and Dances from Wales. Its title wasn't anything special and we even cheated a little bit. The music wasn't from Wales exclusively, because there was a composition of ours as well.

You can see that, during all this time, I had recovered and I was active constantly. My nutrition was improved, even though I necessarily was a vegan. I've been a vegetarian, since I was 20, and, as after the operation my stomach couldn't handle dairy products anymore, I had become a vegan. I didn't have any problem with that at all and I furthermore felt my stomach lighter and I suffered no heartburns or refluxes anymore.

I had started to consider that it was high time we returned home, to Kirkenes. But there were two things that would keep me back. The one was the course I was attending, which I hadn't completed yet. I was thinking I could quicken my graduation time, but this was impossible to happen before summer 2029.

The next issue was my students. I didn't teach in that school anymore and with great sadness, I waved goodbye to my old students. However, I used to have some students at home. These were refugees, which I used to teach privately, because they couldn't keep up with school lessons, due to their lack of language comprehension. Children used to come to my place every evening. And there were so many!  I didn't want to have a typical relationship with them only, that's why after the lesson I used to give them fruits and porridge (just like my aunt used to do to her students) and we would chat a little bit. At some point, my heart was broken. Some of my students were refugees, who got to reach Australia from Syria. They didn't have good reception in Europe, because they were illegal ones (because the government wouldn't give them a residence permit and it's not refugees to blame for), so the children were literally sleeping in the streets. Some of them had seen their own house being demolished, the three-year-old sibling of a student of mine had seen his mother being massacred before his very eyes and many similar freaking stories. How could I ask for money from these poor little souls? In case some of them were of greater financial status, they would give me a small sum, but in no case would I ask anything like that.

Therefore I was doing every job in the world. I was a teacher, a gardener, a good mother, a good wife, a housebuilder etc. However, I didn't dare to touch Art yet (except for the Welsh music album, which was a promise I'd given to myself fifteen years before). Art would appear again sometime later, when something would spark my interest so much, that I would be able to express it only through the making of a new album.

53. NO MORE INTERVIEWS

After the summer I decided to make a great change in my life. As I said before, Ingmar and I had invented a game, which was called Seize the Day and it had several levels, which we had to achieve. One of those levels, which I had to pass, was to complete some unfinished business, which I had started when I was 18 years old and I just gave up. And I'm referring to my first big dream ever, the one which I had since I was 5 years old: to become a geologist. I'd studied Geology for a semester until I left Norway. Never before had I thought that I'd complete something like that, but then I realised it was high time I finally achieved that. Whatsoever I am the kind of person who always starts something from the beginning, therefore achieving my first dream was something very important to me. Furthermore, the time was suitable, as I myself was going through a phase in my life, during which I used to teach science at school. Therefore educating myself further was a very positive step for me. Whatsoever I had to stop occupying myself only with Art. It had already caused me many problems. So I decided to go back to the University and take a Geology course. It'd last two years, that is from September 2027 to September 2029. Along with that, I would continue teaching at school.

I realised that Australia's education system wasn't the same as it used to be. The children now had a much lower educational background and this is something I noticed both in my students and Anna's school. Many children had a low educational background and sometimes it was quite hard for them to make them distinguish between terms such as science and faith. Some teachers would even confuse these two. I can refer to a specific example from my daughter's school. Anna, who had just started Junior High School, had talked to me about some incidents at her Biology class at school. Since the beginning of the semester, their teacher had told her students she wasn't going to teach the whole book, but omit some chapters, as some of its theories were wrong. At some point in the lesson, the children were taught about the classification of the species. The teacher, who was a biologist (I highlight this) pointed out to the children that dinosaurs lived alongside the human species. My daughter was aware of fossils and the geological time, because not only had we talked about it together, but she had also read that in her books. Then she dared to tell her teacher that we cannot find fossils in the wrong geological time because this cancels out the theory of evolution itself. Her teacher went mad and started saying that the theory of evolution is just a theory, belongs to the past and we shouldn't talk about it anymore. And this was something that a biologist used to say to children in a school! I suggested that Anna asks her teacher about how she thought that species were evolved...or better appeared or developed (if you don't fancy the word evolution), but she didn't want to get into a fight with her. This thing was unbelievable. Teachers are highly responsible for how children develop their conscience. They can't just try and persuade them, in such a vulnerable age, that facts which are proved and we have evidence for, that they are just some theories. Fortunately, Anna comes from a family, which isn't that credulous and of course, Ingmar and I educate ourselves a lot and are real bookworms.

Time was going by and I was getting better and better. And for the first time in my life, I was feeling I started to have a balanced family life. I was spending time with my family, playing games, talking, going on trips, watching movies...we use to do everything. Christmas, 2027, was the best Christmas of my life, even though for the first time ever we experienced it in the summer. The only sad thing was that for the first time we were without dad. The most important achievement of mine, though, was that I wasn't absent anymore. All my life I felt I was completely absent, like being here without being really here. My body was present and my mind was absent. And I believed this would harm my child, as she would grow up without the presence of a mother. But things had changed. I was there and I was so happy to have my daughter, Anna.

In early 2028 the band started a new tour. I was glad of them to follow my advice and temporarily continue without me. Johanna was in lead vocals, who was also playing the acoustic guitar. And they could do without me so perfectly, so why were they complaining that I am the band? Johanna had one of the most beautiful and purer voices I'd ever heard. And furthermore, we could combine acoustic elements much better. Whatsoever acoustic folk music was the genre which I liked most of all. The band was completely acoustic when it started and also my own compositions mainly are based on acoustic music. For those who don't know it, Bryan is the one who snatches me away from it, otherwise, all of my compositions would be acoustic. But he is the one at the end of the day, who always tells me to put something more complex on it. So, I don't understand why Johanna couldn't replace me at all. I wouldn't be gone forever anyway.

Even though the band was convinced to accept my temporary departure, I can't say that the same holds true about the fans. A huge hoopla broke out after my announcement that I needed a break. I didn't refer to anything about my illness, but I only said I needed a break for health reasons. So, instead of wishing me to get well soon, they couldn't get enough of interviewing me, asking me about what I had, about whether I was going to die and some even asked me how long I was going to live. I really wanted to know whether all those journalists and fans are able to realise that artists are human beings and not production machines. What do they think we are? Robots that work like machines? We are simple human beings with feelings and insecurities. I was going through the second worse phase of my life, since that time I don't know if a new day would dawn for me, every single moment I was thinking that I could die any time soon and those people were asking me whether I was going to live! And the worst came from fans who were so unbelievable! I received so many messages, in which people were swearing at me, accusing me of abandoning the band. They were telling me I was an egoist and a narcissist and that I only care about my beautiful self, that's why I left. That I wanted to live a luxurious life, without caring about the consequences that my departure would have on others. That I was pretending to suffer from health problems and that I was alright, but I told one more lie, so I could be better off with that. Right! As I said before, I didn't know whether I was even going to die and decided to keep my mouth closed, so I wouldn't scare anybody, I wouldn't become a burden to anybody and...alas (!) because it was my own problem and if I even wanted to abandon my band forever, this was nobody's business. I wouldn't explain my decision to people. But I realised it was my own fault. And it was my fault for the following reason. I was the one who was talking about herself too much. I would never conceal myself and in many interviews, I'd done a great coming-out so many times. Journalists knew that if they asked me anything, I would be completely honest with them. I'd leaked so many personal details about me because I never liked lying nor insulting other people, telling them that they are asking me about personal information. However, since that time I made a great decision, which I followed for the rest of my life. I became as secretive as ever. And the most important. I never spoke to any interview again. Never. Ever. And for any reason. No more interviews. And I stated that, after that incident and being betrayed for the second time (the first was after the lawsuit), I would never speak to any interview ever. The other members of the band could do whatever they wanted. Interviews for me, though, were over.

Alexandria had a break from touring during the Easter holidays. Therefore, Nancy visited me for the first time in Australia. We spent a lot of time together, just like the good old days, watching films, walking in nature and drinking fine wines in the evenings. One day we decided to go hiking in the mountain. While we were walking, there was a long downhill. I had always had acrophobia and I couldn't really walk a long way down, because I didn't have a good balance.

When I reached the downhill I felt vertigo coming over me and I told Nancy: "I can't walk down. Could you please take my hand?"

Then Nancy said to me: "No. You'll get down alone so that you overcome your fear".

"I can't", I said in a shaking voice. After complaining too much, Nancy said to me this: "Think, Ingrid, what fear is. How are phobias created? Fear is an emotion, which our amygdala creates so that it prevents us from being exposed to dangers and dying. It's connected to our instinct of survival".

Then I said: "You mean that I am afraid to gaze down from a large height because my amygdala causes a stimulus, which subconsciously makes me think that I might fall down and die?"

"Exactly", she said smiling. "Have this little dialogue with yourself and think that fear is only in our mind. Then take some deep breaths, put down your arms and walk the downhill".

In the end, I was willing to walk down alone, but I was constantly gazing at the ground. "Ingrid, look in front of you. Not down. In front".

I was walking down, thinking I have to be looking in front of me and I was constantly repeating the words fear is something fictitious, fear is something fictitious so that I could ultimately believe this. And it finally worked. I could walk down, without coming down with vertigo or nausea. Nancy would even make me walk in downhills so that I make myself getting used to it and not be afraid. Sometimes we would go to crazy roller coasters. Well, this is how I overcame acrophobia and since then I exercise, which will give me the boost for a better balance. And what I wish is that one day I will eventually have a good balance (however you take the word balance).

One night, Nancy and I were at home, chatting. At some point, the discussion turned to my health.

"Whatever this is what you have, are you feeling better now?"

"I am supposed to be cured after the operation", I said.

"So no need to worry".

I sighed. "I can never stop worrying, Nancy. What happened to me is very serious and it might happen again and..."

"Ingrid, what was wrong with you?", Nancy interrupted.

"I can't tell you".

"Why? Why such secrecy? I'm your friend and I'm worried about you".

"I'll tell you provided that nobody else in the band ever learns anything".

"Fine", she said.

"I had bone cancer, but...now I'm fine. I removed it".

Nancy had a frozen look on her face.

"It's a...miracle, that you are still alive", she whispered.

"I'm alive because my cousin is a good surgeon".

Both of us remained silent for a while.

"If anything happens again, you're going to tell me, right?"

I shook my head. "I promise".

She hugged me. "You're the best friend anyone would like to have".

I felt my eyes getting wet. Well, it was only people, who I was closely bonded with, who cared about me more than anyone else.

52. DREAMS AND BALANCE

A few minutes before I walked into the ICU, Vigge said to me: "Don't worry. Everything's gonna be alright".

Even though I was shaking out of terror, I was thinking that everything had to be alright. I couldn't leave anyone behind for any reason. I can't remember what happened to my body during the operation nor how long it lasted. However, I remember that I used to wake up every now and then and then sleeping back. And for some reason, the clock in the ICU always chimed six. I don't know if all that had indeed happened or I was just dreaming while being under sedation. I would anyway feel as if I were totally paralysed and I couldn't even move my fingers and toes. It seemed to me as if I was listening to doctors talking, but I couldn't make out any words.

However, at some point, I finally woke up. My body was still paralysed and I couldn't move at all. A nurse was in the room, but I couldn't talk to her. I remember I just made a noise, which sounded like a cat was drowning. Then the nurse turned and saw I was awake. "You've woken up", she said. "You've woken up", she said. "Everything was alright, see?". I tried to talk to her, but it was impossible for me. "Don't exhaust yourself", she said. "You still need to relax a bit more. You've been sleeping for a whole week". A whole week? Had I been under sedation for a whole week? "Your family has been visiting you every day", she said to me.

My family! I wanted to get up again and show them I had made it and I would never leave them. My family had suffered many pains during our previous losses.

A few hours later, I slightly started coming back to life. At least I could somehow move my fingers and utter one word or two. At some point, it seemed to me that someone entered. Then I heard someone whispering: "Ingrid!" Ingmar! I tried to approach him, but he said to me: "Don't move yet. We were told you've woken up. Anna and your mum are here too". I saw them and smiled. I couldn't talk at all, so Ingmar was sitting next to me, caressing my hand. Then, after a while, he said: "We have to go home now and we're coming tomorrow. Ok?". I just shook my head, as I couldn't do anything else.

Days were going by and I could slightly get past this critical state. I could slightly start talking and sit back on the bed, however, I couldn't walk yet. When I would be able to walk, I would finally leave the ICU and be transferred to a hospital chamber. Ingmar said to me that he was visiting me every day and that the operation was heavy and lasted many hours. I could understand that. I was exhausted and suffering.

"I feel like a half person", I said.

"Quite normal. You've lost almost fifteen kilos".

How much?

"So...."

"So we have to start a healthy and balanced diet, so we get that weight back, right?"

The issue was that I couldn't eat, though. The nurses would bring me food and I couldn't eat anything. The food itself would disgust me as if I were pregnant. My weight was extremely and dangerously low and I shouldn't consider this as a joke. A few years back I had already had problems with my hematocrit, now after a cancer operation, it would be too risky if I started fooling around. That's why I was forced to eat or maybe Ingmar was literally feeding me. During that time my family had been taking care of me more than anybody ever did. I remember that since I was taken to a chamber neither Ingmar nor my mum ever left me a single moment. Anna would even skip school, in order to be with me. She would ask permission from the school, of course, after explaining the situation. I can't say I wanted the child to miss lessons. But she was so afraid about me, exactly as I was also afraid about myself.

I made it home in late May and my body was in a terrible state. I started to get physiotherapy because I had literally forgotten how to walk. Something I had also realised was that at that time I suddenly became a morning person. I once used to love the night and I would be sleeping during the daytime. During the previous months, though, I used to go to the hospital to get my chemos, so in order to be in time there, I had to be waking up at six o'clock every morning. That's why I had acquired an inner clock, so I would still be waking up at six every day. Ingmar was trying to understand how the hell this had changed so suddenly.

In the summer I had started to get even better. Of course, let's not forget that we were living in Australia, so during that time, it was winter. I had started to walk again, even though I was still facing difficulties, and I had also started to gain more weight. It was the first time in my life, that instead of summer, we were experiencing winter and this was something I really loved. We could take the kid to ski resorts, so we were drinking hot chocolate and wine close to the fire. It was adorable!

I had started to stand on my feet in the autumn of 2027 again. I don't mean that I suddenly was right as rain, but at least I could be more active. However, something that I noticed was that I didn't have any lust to do anything with Art anymore. I wasn't writing any music, nor books, nor scripts for plays. The only thing that I was doing was either educate myself and read, or solve puzzles, riddles or brainteasers. And exactly because I didn't want to do anything with Art at all at that time, I found a job elsewhere. I started teaching science in a local school: maths, physics, chemistry and biology. One could start wondering about how Ingrid Sorensen is able to do something like this. Truth be told, I knew a lot about the natural sciences, so that I could teach children. Whatsoever, I have always been dealing with maths and my knowledge is equal to a first-year maths student.

There weren't many students in the class, as the school was small. And the atmosphere was really beautiful because I wanted to have a good relationship with my students. I'd created an atmosphere of some Dead-Poets-Society type because I would always gather the children around me in a circle. I'd even showed the film once and I furthermore taught them Horace's Odes as well as Walt Whitman's Song of Myself and some Romantic Poetry, though these weren't part of the teaching schedule. Thus we had created a strong bond with one another because I really loved children and they also love me. And of course, I sometimes used unorthodox methods, because I had asked them to be calling me Ingrid, secretly from the schoolmaster.

I previously mentioned the fact that during that time I wasn't doing anything related to Art. This isn't completely true, as I indeed started to write a book. However, that particular one was more of an autobiographical nature and describes real stories. It is reminiscent of Daniel Wallace's Big Fish to a great extent, however, the stories are described in a realistic way. It was a book dedicated to my father's memory and narrates completely true facts. So to say, these were stories my dad used to narrate to me during his lifetime, which I gathered up in a book and then, of course, I changed the names. The main reason, why I did something like that, was exactly because I wanted to honour my father's memory. Storytelling, for him, as for me too, was an important part of his life and also something that greatly expressed his own personality. And the reason why he was narrating stories until the end of his life was that he knew the end was close and he wanted to be remembered about his stories.

After the summer, I started seeing a therapist, not because I wanted to analyse my childhood, but in order for me to able to stand on my feet mentally after the operation. Then I tried to understand what some reasons could be why I got sick. Of course, heredity played a major role, as on my father's side most family members had cancer too. However, I soon realised that this also had psychological roots as well. I mean that after 2022 my whole life drastically improved. I made my own family, at last, found my home etc., however, I can't say I definitely was balanced, especially with my own feelings and emotions. I would still hide things under the bed or search for shelters to hide. All I mean is that I wasn't the kind of person who would talk about their problems with some other close to them. Ingmar always had to milk every chapter from me. Because I'd gone through these dark times previously, I was trying to feel well and what I was doing was avoiding have bad feelings. I was just trying to escape bad feelings and not ever thinking of the old situation and not seeing why they hurt me. Consequently, I wasn't trying to fight the evil from its root, but I would simply walk away, as I would always do. And I believe that, when you are young, all these problems are more or less mental, however growing older, you might start to have serious health problems, caused by your mental state. I'm totally sure that my concealed anxiety, the silence and the endless patience of the previous years ultimately emerged with cancer. Because silent suffering might get out in other worse ways, which you might have never realised before.

Now it's time I spoke about a topic, which is crucial to me. People who met me for the previous ten years, know that I'm a very methodical person, that I have many interests and set goals and dreams, which in the end I achieve. Of course, I haven't always been like that and once upon a time I was exactly the opposite person. I would always put off things, which I could have done and I always wanted to set goals, but I could never do it. There's something sweet in these words that I've suddenly become a person, who lives a completely balanced (not seriously) life and even now I make my dreams come true. And that's not a lie. However, nobody ever asked themselves why I have suddenly changed like that and why I suddenly started to set goals. And that's the most tragic thing ever.

For ten long years, I've been living in terror and anxiety and I think that this fear will remain until my death. I constantly live under the fear of death. And my fear is exactly the fact that in 2027 I got away with it, however, I might have cancer again in the future and die, leaving a motherless child behind. Until my death, I will always think that this might come up again and that time I won't make it. And this thought is killing me. Towards the end of 2027, though, I started thinking more selfishly, as far as my possibility of dying is concerned. I was 31 and knew that all these years I was putting off so many things I always wanted to do. I had so many dreams, I wanted to set so many goals and I would never ever make any dream come true. Since Ingmar met me, I can remember him suggesting I set goals and every dream I make come true I should view it as the next level on a PlayStation game, something that was very helpful to me, given the fact I'm totally hooked on videogames. And now it was high time I took my husband's advice seriously. Thus, I was thinking that I didn't know how long I was going to live, so I had to live the way I never did before. To live my life to the full, enjoy it as much as I can and the most important one: Make all the dreams, that I had throughout my whole life, come true before I die because I don't know how long I'm going to live. The latter became my motto, which I still hold: Do anything you never had time to do before you die.

  That's one of the reasons why I wasn't doing anything related to Art. I realised that music was causing me to waste so much time in my life. Just imagine how many hours I would spend at home, not composing, but only listening to music. I remember myself sitting at home and listening to record after record in a row and wasting so much time, instead of keeping myself busy with other interests of mine. And within those interests, I won't place only my personal achievements. I place the fact that, as a mother, I'd been too absent. I don't think I'd paid a lot of attention to my family all these previous years when Anna was young, at least not at a balanced level. Thus, if there was something, which I had to accomplish before I died, this was that I had to find my own inner balance, without completely being lost in my own world and works. And the most important. The Art and my work should never be my whole life, but I should also find other things too, which I should do during my day.

51. RETURN TO AUSTRALIA

 

During the following evening, I called mum and asked her to visit me, because I had to make a very important discussion. At the same time, I also informed my siblings about it, so they would also be at my place. Nobody had a clue about what I was going to say and they thought it was about dad's legacy. Ingmar suspected that something was happening, but as soon as he was trying to mention anything, I'd say: "Not a word! I'll talk, when the time comes".

When the time came, we all gathered at my place and I was shaking like a fish thrown out of water. Monica was the most terrified of us all as if she knew. I was looking at Monica again and again, wondering what was happening to her. She would rarely visit us, while when she did, she would constantly be in tears and now she had lost almost thirty kilos and had brown hair. And who was that? Monica, who has always been a redhead chubby girl. When she came home, just before the others had arrived, I hugged her and she started sobbing.

"Monica, what's wrong with you?", I asked.

"I've done everything wrong in my life", she said to me.

"What have you done wrong?"

"All choices I made were wrong".

I stayed in silence for a while and then told her: "You want a divorce, right?"

She shook her head. "Since I got married. I thought that children would save our relationship, but..."

"This is the biggest mistake that we, women, do", I replied. "We try to keep a relationship healthy, by having children, but then, things become even worse".

"I want to move back. Take my children and move back to Kirkenes. Now that mum is around. I want to be with my true family".

I felt a noose around my neck. Monica was saying all this, while a few minutes later I was going to announce to my family the fact that there was a possibility of me dying. "Oh, my sweet sister", I said and hugged her. Now I was going to be the one who would start crying.

After everybody was present at home, I decided I was going to talk to them without showing much emotion. "Well", I started. "I need to announce something to you. Nobody knows anything, except for my cousin, Vigge".

"Nor me?", Ingmar asked.

"Nor you".

"Are you pregnant?", asked Anna, whose mind was sharp as a tack, already in that age.

"Honey, had I been pregnant, I wouldn't have gathered you all up here, as if it were a council. Now enough with your questions and let me talk to the end".

Nobody said a word, so I could go on. "Well, I visited the doctor, because I was suffering from aches in my bones. I was checked twice so that we made sure there wasn't any mistake, but, unfortunately, the results were the same. What I was informed about, was that I have a tumour on my bones. In other words, I have bone cancer. But I don't want you to be frightened at all. I know that we went through a very difficult time with dad, therefore my therapy is taken care of. I'm not such a selfish person so that I let myself be taken away by this thing. I will overcome this. There is no chance that I don't".

I stopped talking for a while and silence was spread throughout the room. Ingmar opened his mouth about to say something, but I stopped him, saying: "Darling, I'm not done yet. I've got more to say".

"Thus, I spoke to Vigge, who is a surgeon and this is what he suggested. That I move to Australia so that he can check up on me and I start chemos there. I own a house in Sydney, so we could move in, there. Are you joining me?"

"Ingrid, of course, we are moving there, for as much as it is needed. Until you become totally healthy, we are staying in Australia. Anna will start Junior High School there".

"Anna, do you agree?", I asked.

"I don't want anything bad to happen to you", she said and hugged me. She was about to start crying, but I comforted her and told her everything was going to be alright.

"Mum?", I said. "What are you going to do?"

"Errr...", she stuttered.

"Are you coming with us?"

"I....".

"I wouldn't like you to stay here alone and mourn for dad. I would really like to have you with us. The house is rather large".

"Ingrid! Of course, I want to be with my child, especially now".

"Monica", I said, "we are going to talk in person at some point".

I was scared, of course, I was, but I didn't want to show them. Now I had to be stronger than ever, just for my folks. If I showed any weakness, they could suspect that I wasn't going to overcome it. But I had learned I shouldn't ever put it off.

In late February 2027, I invited the band to my place, in order to announce to them that I was moving away for some time.

"I'm ill and it's very serious", I said. "I have to do therapy, that's why I'm moving to Australia".

"For how long?", Vivian asked.

"For as long as it is needed".

"Ingrid, would you like to tell us what is wrong with you? We are worrying", Bryan said.

"No", I replied. "I'm not planning to talk to anybody except for my family. I've got a very serious illness and I know that there is a possibility I don't even make it alive. But I'll never give for any reason. I'm going to Australia, because I know I'll be checked by my cousin, who is a surgeon".

"Are you having surgery?"

"At some point I am, but I don't know exactly when".

"Are you informing us about the date, please?"

"Of course, I am", I answered with a smile.

"Also", I added, "keep on with the tour, without me. I've said so many times that all members can be replaced. Find some temporary vocalist".

"Alright, and then?", Bryan asked. "What are we going to do all this time you are away?"

"Jesus Christ! What can I tell you now?", I said furiously. "Build Alexandria-themed crossword puzzles".

When I said that, we remained silent for a while. Then we all burst out laughing. Alexandria-themed crossword puzzles! How on earth could I come up with such bizarre ideas?

"Well...ok...crossword puzzles...how did you come up with this now?", Nancy asked, as if she read my mind.

"Oh, don't pay any attention to that. I'm currently going through a phase, where I'm not doing so many artistic things. For example, when my daughter is at the music school, I wait for her in the car and I spent all this time doing crossword puzzles while listening to Abba".

They were gazing at me as if I were coming from another planet. Yes, of course, it is impossible for Ingrid Sorensen to do crossword puzzles in the car, listening to Abba. She must do things of better quality. What does good quality really mean?

We set off to Australia on March 3, 2027. The four of us settled in the house in Annandale, because, as I said, my mum came along. Since I set my foot in Australia, I came down with terrible homesickness for Kirkenes. Of course, Australia was my favourite country after Norway and I decided to move in there without a second thought, but then again, I felt I had left my hometown behind. Fortunately, not so many chores needed to be done. The only thing we needed to do is clean up the whole house and put on some furniture. No wall painting or any renovation was needed. Even though the house was literally located in a city centre, there was a garden, so I could plant my trees and flowers.

Furthermore, due to the different season, schools in Australia were starting in March. So, Anna could start Junior High on time. We didn't need much time to adapt ourselves to the new place and moving went smoothly. Ingmar kept on composing new music and Anna gladly started her new school. I wasn't dealing with Art at all, because I didn't have much lust to. During that time, I used to live more like a housewife, rather than an artist.

At some point, I went to the supermarket. Then I heard a voice behind me: "Ingrid!" I turned back and saw a slim old lady, who looked familiar -- very familiar. "Yes?", I said, because I didn't know who she was.

"I don't think you remember me. I'm Clare, Josh's mum".

I looked at her and my jaw dropped. "How come are you here?", she asked.

"I moved here for some time. Until I get healthy".

"What do you have?", she asked me.

I hugged her. "I'm ill".

"What's wrong with you?"

"I've got cancer", I whispered.

Then she started crying. I was holding her and told her: "I'll become well, don't worry. I've given a promise".

"Oh, these are the same words that my son told me too".

"I know, but now there's a lot of progress in medical science. I've got a family as well and I can't leave them behind".

"You can visit me whenever you like, alright?"

"Alright", I replied.

I entered the supermarket almost in tears. Josh's mum was the last person I expected to meet. And fortunately, she didn't ask where exactly I was living, because it'd be too painful for her to know that I live in the house, which was left to me as a legacy from her son. I drove home, filled with bags of food and other stuff for Anna. Ingmar noticed I was sort of troubled and asked: "Is there anything wrong?"

"Do you mean that everything is alright?", I told him.

Then he hugged me and said: "Pet, we'll overcome this. We'll do this together. You're not alone in all that, ok?".

I shook my head. Yes, I knew I wasn't alone. And there was a solution to every problem. Ingmar had made me adopt this idea. No need to panic at all. Since one is not alone in their problems, one can overcome them. Everything is reversible and can be retrieved, except for death. And negative thinking never helps. The only thing they achieve is to worsen the situation because they don't let us think clearly. Therefore, no panic. This is the key.

Since we moved until May, I can't say I was doing many things really. Vigge had told me he was going to operate on me in May. At the same time, I had started doing chemos, but they were such, that I didn't lose my hair. I, nevertheless, stopped dyeing it during that time because it wasn't that healthy for my condition. I looked really funny because until then my hair was fully red and underneath the dye, you could clearly see blonde hair roots. But I can't say it looked that bad.

During that time, my mood was completely neutral. I wasn't depressed by the whole situation at all, but I wasn't very happy either. I just let things go by the way we had predicted them to, and I hoped that the operation would cure me. I wasn't thinking about the possibility that it might not work out or that I might die during the operation. As Ingmar and I would say, I had to get rid of panic. However, something happened in April and really made my day. I noticed that the others in the band had sent a crossword puzzle to my letterbox. It seemed to me so weird and I jokingly thought: Those idiots are playing games with me because I told them I like doing crossword puzzles in the car while listening to Abba. I noticed that the first page of the crossword puzzle was writing: TURN TO PAGE 7. And then I saw an Alexandria-themed crossword puzzle. I cracked up and thought: I can't believe this. I was only joking about it but they did it! But I found it very cute. So I was given a free crossword puzzle, which I could do while waiting for Anna in the music school.

That evening I called Bryan. After I told him I was going to have surgery in May, we talked a little bit about the band's future. I urged them to keep on touring without me and Nancy should replace me on the keys.

"And what about the vocals? We could, let's say, call your sister, but I don't know if she'll be able to do a whole tour".

"I know", I replied. "Let's talk a little bit later so that I come up with something".

I couldn't sleep at all that night. Ingmar noticed I was awake and said to me: "Everything will be alright. We've already told that. No panic".

"Yeah, yeah, I know", I replied. "I'm worried about something else".

"So to say?"

"The band has to find a temporary singer so that the others keep on touring. And we don't know what to do, really".

"Johanna. A very good choice", he said.

I went: "Oh, come on now. After such a big tour that we did with Uaithnia, how could my sister join our own tour now? Whatsoever...I feel a bit uncomfortable having my sister in our band".

"No, not your sister, Johanna".

"What?", I said.

"The other one", he exclaimed. "Your sister's friend. This composer who's doing electronic music and you also participated in her record".

But, of course! Why hadn't I thought about it earlier? This Johanna!

"She is our perfect solution! I'll call her immediately", I said and I was about to rise from bed.

"Ingrid! Not so late. It's almost midnight".

"Yes, of course", I said and got again in bed, where I had the heaviest and sweetest sleep ever.

The next morning, I called the band first and I asked them whether they wanted to do the tour with Johanna. In the beginning, there was the same misunderstanding, because they also thought I was referring to my sister. But when I explained it to them, they said that my idea was brilliant. Well, it wasn't mine in the first place, but Ingmar's. I called Johanna and told her I was ill and asked her if she could sing on our tour. Fortunately, she accepted the invitation, therefore I could also calm down, as I knew that my band at least was taken care of. I hoped that my life would also be taken care of.

In early May, I went to the hospital, so I could do the operation. Chemos didn't work for me, but I hoped that at least the operation would save the whole situation. Just before I went in, Vigge had a discussion with Ingmar and then with me. I don't know what he said to him, but Ingmar seemed really troubled and was constantly holding Anna in his arms. Then Vigge talked to me as well: "This operation is really hard. It will last many hours and you have to be prepared for everything".

"There's a possibility of me dying", I said.

He sighed: "Listen. There is this possibility, as far as all surgeries are concerned. But this particular is one of the most severe ones and...".

"I know. Don't tell me more. I'm prepared for this, but...I'm sure I can make it. I can't leave anyone behind like that".

Before I walked into the ICU, I asked Ingmar to inform the band about the operation, without telling them what I was suffering from. So I was to be operated, without really knowing what was lying ahead. 

50. HEALTH

My father's death for me was the greatest blow I had ever had. Every night, when I was going to fall asleep, I always had memories of him. I can remember this summer, back in 2019, when he had visited me in Ireland. He had travelled without mum because as he said, he wanted to have a little chat with some entrepreneur, who was planning to run his own rock bar. I don't know what they were going to talk about, because as I've already said before, I've always known my father solely as an actor and an ethnology graduate. He had never talked to me about things he had done in the past, other than acting, except for these seemingly imaginative stories he used to narrate to the end of his life.

So, that summer he had visited me and when he entered my house, he instantly opened the fridge and said: "Let's have a look at what my little princess eats". He always had the habit of calling me his little princess. When I was a kid, I was a bit annoyed by it, because I considered it too babyish. Growing older, though, every time he used to call me like that, I was feeling deeply emotional. "That's why you've lost so much weight", he would say. "Because your fridge is completely empty". And I would reply: " I do eat, dad. See, I know how to cook and I have lunch with my friends almost every noon here".

During this time that he was here, I was staging a play with my team, therefore I invited my dad to the rehearsals, so he could tell us about his opinion, as an experienced actor that he was. Everybody was speechless. He was so calm and such a soft speaker and he would advise us about our body position, when we act, or about our expressions. He had nothing to do with me, as I would raise my voice to the other guys. Whenever he gave us advice, we were listening to him carefully, as if he were a teacher. In a way, he was, at least for me. Because, as I've said before, it's due to him and mum, that I got to become an actress too, without having studied acting or anything like that.

I used to think about all these stories, while in tears. I missed my dad so much and I would miss him forever. Ingmar was trying to comfort me and he was telling me I had to remember our beautiful moments. This is what hurt more. So to say, the fact that we would never live those beautiful moments ever again. Then, Ingmar said something else too:  "Just think that there are cases when children lost their parents and they could never get close to them or always think that they had never had the chance to tell them how important they had been for them". Ingmar was right. Of course, as for me, I can't say that I had ever said all that in words. But I think I had shown him how much I loved him and he did too.

Even though I was in sorrow, the good thing in all that is, that things weren't as bad as, let's say, 2021. To start with, I wasn't suicidal anymore. And what is more, there's a huge difference between things that happened back in 2021 and the current situation. During those days, my whole life was shit and I felt completely lost. I was living a life in Ireland, which I didn't want at all, so things were wrong in general.

Now things weren't like that. I was living the life I wanted with my husband and our child and now I could, at last, make my dreams come true. I was mentally healthy. My life was ok, though my heart was in pain. And when the heart is in pain, we mustn't neglect it but heal the pain. That's why, I didn't choose to stay alone during these difficult times, as I used to, back in the days. I was constantly with Ingmar and Anna, we were playing games together, watching movies and of course, I used to spend a lot of time with mum too. I don't want to catastrophise, but I've always thought that our beloved people won't be around forever. Nobody lives eternally. We only live for a few decades and then we are buried under the ground. I wanted to be with my mum, for as long as I could, because she wouldn't either live forever.

In the meantime, because of my father's condition, I had also started to have some problems with my spine. Since December, I had had severe pains in my bones, because I was sleeping in a hospital chair almost every night. And the pain would usually strike me just before I went to sleep or while waking up. I hadn't visited a doctor, because I didn't consider it that serious and I just thought it would be over soon.

Ten days, after dad passed away, a second cousin of mine, who lives in Trondheim, called me to inform me about some sad news. She said to me that her mother passed away, who was my father's first cousin. I didn't know her that well, although she had visited us a few summers ago in Kirkenes. I decided to go to the funeral, though I was already sick of funerals. That day I was discussing dad's health with my cousin and about the fact that since August the whole family was at the hospital. I also told her I was suffering from pains in my bones, because I had been sleeping in a chair for months. Then my cousin advised me to have some physiotherapy. I had known a physiotherapist, that one who used to treat my dad. But first, I wanted to make an appointment at the hospital for a checkup.

I remember that my aunt's funeral took place on a Thursday and I booked an appointment for Monday. I went, therefore, to the hospital in Kirkenes on Monday and did a general checkup. I was told I would be informed about the results in a phone call. Two days later, the doctor called me and said: "Mrs Sorensen could you please visit us again, because we have to recheck a few things?"

"What's wrong?", I asked in shock. What did I have?

"Probably, nothing serious. We might have made some mistake in our results. That's why we have to check it again. Could you visit tomorrow morning again?"

"Yes, I can", I answer. What the hell was going on? On the one hand, I was taken down with a wave of fear that I might have something serious and on the other hand, I was comforting myself thinking that medical opinions are sometimes wrong, that's why a second visit is required.

The next morning, I went to the hospital again. "What have you found?", I asked. The doctor replied: "Don't worry. Everything is under control. We've just made a mistake. There's no need to panic without any reason". No need to panic since when? Since he told me that he gives my father two months to live? How many months to live would I now have?

On the other hand, I walked home relieved. Everything was perfect and there was nothing wrong with me. I would start having physiotherapy, I would be walking in the forest with Ingmar (or my mum) to gather mushrooms and Anna would start Junior High School next year. Ingmar and I might have had our own children, so I would feel happy about becoming a child's biological mother. That night, Ingmar said to me: "Everything alright? How come did you visit the doctor again?"

"He did a mistake", I replied. "Therefore I did another checkup. I'll be given the results tomorrow morning".

That night, I had a horrible nightmare. I dreamt I was walking close to a river along with Anna. There was a bridge, crossing the river and leading to the other side. As Anna and I were to cross the bridge, we suddenly saw my father at the end of the road. He was greeting us cheerfully and was shouting: "Ingrid, Ingrid! Come here! At last, we meet again!" Then, I exclaimed: "Look, Anna. Your grandpa! Let's go and say hello". But when we reached him, he suddenly pulled me towards him and said: "Only you are coming with me. Nobody else". And then, suddenly, everything behind me, including Anna, disappeared and was replaced by a murky glass. "Anna! Anna!", I screamed.

"She can't hear you", my father said. "Now you are here with me".

"I want my child back!", I screamed.

"I'm sorry, princess", my dad said and hugged me.

Then, I woke up sweating. Ingmar was next to me, holding my hand. "Calm down, princess", he said.

"What did you call me?", I said in a puzzle. What a weird déjà vu.

"A princess", he replied. "You look like a princess when you sleep".

I smiled. Only my dad used to call me a princess.

Then, I tucked my head in the sheets. Ingmar stroke my head: "What were you dreaming of?"

"Dad".

"You are worried about the results".

"Nonsense", I said. "Why should I be worried? Everything will be alright. I know".

"I do too, sweetheart". Something in his voice made me think that something wasn't right at all.

I went to the hospital to receive the results. When I entered the room, the doctor seemed too worried.

"Good morning, Mrs Sorensen. Here are the results".

"Which are...?", I asked.

He sighed: "Listen, Ingrid, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but you have so many common health problems with your father. It's probably hereditary, but...."

"Doctor, please tell me what's wrong with me", I said sharply.

"Err, I think we found a tumour in your bones..."

"I've got bone cancer", I replied. "That's why I suffer from those pains".

"I'm so sorry that you have to learn something like that from me".

"I know, doctor. A few months ago, you were the one to tell me that my father had two months to live".

"Yes, so you understand. The good thing is that it is on an early stage, so we might be able to do something with chemos".

"I don't want you to tell me how long I am going to live. Because I will live and I know. I know it's too hard, but I've got a husband, an eleven-year-old daughter and a mother who just lost her husband. I will live because I have no other choice. Due to this thing, I lost three precious people from my life and now it won't take me too".

And after these words, I tucked the results in my bag and returned home. Ingmar instantly asked me what the doctor said. The first thing that I thought was I have cancer and I might die too, but I just smiled and said: "It was only a mistake. Everything is alright. These pains come from the fact that I used to sleep in a chair. I will recover either as time goes by or with physiotherapy".

Ingmar hugged me. "That's great, my love", he said. "You have no idea how happy that makes me".

He has always trusted me and that's why he didn't ask to see the results. He would never imagine the fact that I might not be telling him the truth. That's why I really wanted to cry. I was lying to my husband, even though I knew I had cancer. There was a probability that he would lose me forever, just as he lost his first wife too, and I was lying to him. But I didn't either know what else to do. I had to start doing chemos, but I didn't know how and where.

That afternoon I had an idea. My first cousin, Vigge, that is my aunt Kati's son, was a surgeon, having specialised in bone cancer cases and he was working at the hospital in Sidney. He could probably help me somehow. I locked myself in the bathroom on the second floor, so that nobody can hear me and dialled Vigge's number.

"Good evening, Vigge", I said. "This is Ingrid. How are you?"

"Quite good, cousin. I've got too much work. What about you?"

I cleared my throat. "I'm not well, at all".

"Because of uncle's passing?"

I remained silent for a while. "No, not only because of that".

"What's wrong?"

"I'll tell you something because you are a doctor. And in my case too, I would like you to keep patient confidentiality".

"Tell me".

"Vigge, I did a checkup at the hospital", I said. "I was diagnosed with bone cancer. Nobody knows that, not even my husband".

"Have you started chemos? What stage is it in? Is it metastatic?"

"Listen", I said. "I was informed about it this morning and it's on an early stage. I can overcome this, I know. I won't let this beat me because I can't do this to people who love me and whom I love. Look in what a pain we are now that dad is gone. Why should I give such pain to my beloved ones? To my husband, who has once before been widowed, to my child, who will lose her mother for a second time and to my mum, who will lose her daughter, after losing her husband. Let alone my siblings".

"Stop, I'll burst into tears", he said. "I will completely help you. Listen to what we can do. Could you leave Norway for a while?"

"Umm...", I stuttered. "If it has to do with my health, of course, I can".

"You have to move to Sidney. Thus I can be checking you, you will start chemos here and I might even operate you. What do you think?"

"Would you do something like that for me?", I said.

"You sacrifice everything for your family, Ingrid. This is something that you can now understand, right?"

"Right. So, I'd also have to announce my state to my family, isn't is so?".

"Well, this would already happen sooner or later".

I sighed. "Fine, then".

"Keep me informed", he said. "And everything is going to be alright. Ok?"

"Ok".

49. HOSPITALS

In June 2026, we stopped touring, because we wanted to spend the summer holidays with our families. Fortunately, we didn't book any summer gigs, because either we would have to cancel the show or the rest of the guys would have to make it without me. That's because, in June, my family was facing very serious problems. My grandma, Kristi, my mother's mother, was 93 years old and had had a severe stroke for many years. She could barely walk, and if she did, she had to use a walking stick, but during these later months, she was bedridden. Then, she suddenly had to check in a hospital and for almost a month and a half, all of us were in a rush. My siblings and I, but especially my mum, as well as Kati, used to spend the night in a hospital chair quite often. We didn't want to hire a private nurse either because it would be better for her if her family was close. Grandma didn't ever lose her mind, nor did she have dementia. She only had a stroke, walking problems and, of course, she was too old.

Unfortunately, in August 2026, grandma passed away. Alright, I can tell that she lived a full life -- 93 is a good age. But, far from that, this was a stunning blow for all of us. Once again, I felt this bitterness that I did eleven years ago when grandpa Lauri left us. But now I was at an older age, I wasn't that small innocent kid anymore, thus I could manage to lose a family member much better. Of course, I was so lucky to have my grandma around for so many years. Some people lose their grandparents much earlier -- some people even lose their own parents! We were so lucky because both our parents were in perfect health.

I wish I had my fingers crossed!

My grandma's passing cost a lot to me, that's why I felt I needed a break from working. I didn't want to go to the studio, neither write any book nor do another show. I wanted to stay at home for a while, doing nothing but mourn my grandmother. Luckily I was at home during that time, because our problems weren't over yet. In fact, they had just begun. One evening, I got a phone call from my mum, who asked me to come to Bjørnevatn. My dad slipped and fell off a stair and we had to drive him to the hospital. It wasn't a severe injury, but he was 72 and had diabetes, thus a simple wound could have been rather painful for him. Fortunately, doctors said he didn't have to spend the night at the hospital, so we could drive back home. But, anyway, my parents spent the night at our place, because I wanted to be close to them, in case my father was in need of something.

My parents didn't go home instantly. They stayed with us a little bit more, because very often I would have guests and I thought that socialising was a major advantage to my father's health. I can recall that every night he would tell his own stories to my friends, who were visiting me. I don't know where this came from and why, but at some point, I got really angry with myself, because of my dark thoughts. I remember being at the kitchen, making a salad for all of us and my father was in the backyard, telling his stories. Then, at some point, a single thought came to my mind: For how long still am I going to listen to him telling stories? I instantly smacked myself in the face and thought: Stupid! Why not listen to him long? He's only 72 and in perfect health!

A few days later we did some shows in Scandinavia only. My father, even though his health was much better, still needed to be taken care of. Because of his diabetes, his wounds couldn't heal that easily. And after his fall of that stair, it wasn't that easy for him to move around.

Since October, I was constantly in a rush. Mum had to go to the hospital too because her heart had to be operated on, thus I wanted to be close to her. In the meantime, I was taking care of dad, because his fall resulted in his having permanent difficulties with walking. I was extremely worried about my mum because heart surgeries are extremely dangerous in such old ages. But, fortunately, this surgery had a happy end, even though we had to be looking after her constantly. I remember spending many hours daily at their place during that time.

At the same time, my father's problems were still going on, but I can't say that we were really paying any attention to them. Mum was our main priority because we felt she needed more care after her surgery. However, in November, my dad called late at night and said he wasn't feeling well at all and he suddenly had a blackout. Anna and I instantly rushed to go to their place. We found him sitting on a chair and holding his head. "Hey, dad, what's wrong?", I said."

" I just felt that everything was suddenly getting black", he said to me.

Finally, I realised that he hadn't had his insulin injection, so I had to do it. Quite often, you can't make head or tail of elderly people, so if you don't act in time, the consequences might be a little bit dangerous to their health.

But problems hadn't finished yet. A few days later, during mid-November, dad was instantly taken to the hospital. We were informed that there was a problem with his kidneys, so it was necessary for him to be hospitalised. He stayed at the hospital for fifteen days and after he was allowed to go home, a doctor would regularly visit my parents, in order to check my father.

However, a week later my dad had to be hospitalised again. And this time we didn't know how long he would have to stay. Doctors informed us about his health. We were told he had bone cancer. When I heard the news, I felt I was dizzy. I couldn't stand hearing about cancer anymore. I had lost my grandfather and my best friend, because of that fucking disease. It wouldn't take my dad as well.

We didn't even know what to do. We didn't know if we had to tell him if he had to know about his health. Mental health is a major factor in curing cancer. If dad learnt about his state, he could let himself be taken by this thing. It would be fatal to him and painful to the rest of us.

At that time, Vivian called me and when she listened to my voice, she said:

"Ingrid, is everything alright? Why do you sound like that?"

"I'm fine", I replied. "I'm just a little bit tired because my parents need to be taken care of this time".

Vivian remained silent for a while. Then, she stuttered: "Are...your parents...ok?"

"Yeah, yeah, of course," I lied. "It's only that my dad fell off a stair a few months ago and he needs physiotherapy treatment. And my mum had a heart operation. You know also that after grandma's death, she needs mental support".

What could I tell her? That my dad had bone cancer and these were the last months I could spend with him?

"I'm so happy about that", she replied. "But anyway, in case you need anything, don't hesitate to give us a call. Alright?"

"Alright?", I answered.

"We all care about you. Keep that in mind", she said before picking down.

I really wanted to burst into tears. Why all these blows? First grandma, then my father. That night, I called my brother. "I've got some bad news", I said.

"Who died?", he said abruptly.

"Calm down", I said. "No one died. It's just that....dad's health is in a bad state".

"What's wrong with him?"

I sighed. "He was diagnosed with bone cancer".

No one spoke for a while. "I'm coming", he replied.

"I don't think you really need to. I believe we can face that. It's an early stage".

When Daniel picked down the phone, I started sobbing uncontrollably. Even though I had a strong faith in the fact that cancer wouldn't take him, I couldn't stand any single thought about losing him. I couldn't take losing more people in my life. I'd already lost many beloved ones. And please, no, no, no, not my father. I loved him more than anything in the world. I loved both of them. I couldn't let anything bad happen neither to my father nor to any other member of my family.

In the next few days, I decided I couldn't leave the band on a hiatus anymore. I sent a text message to Bryan, telling him this:

Hey!

I can't let you wait for me any longer. I don't know how long it will take me until I come back to the band. If you want to go to the studio, don't wait for me. Start composing music and enough with that bullshit that no one but me writes the lyrics. It's time you forgot all these shitty old traditions. If I die, what is going to happen to the band? Split up?

Don't call me, I won't pick up. We have to face very serious health problems. My family needs me now more than ever. I promise to come back, when and if things get better. Take care of your parents, as much as you can. Both of them are valuable and they won't be around forever.

Kisses, Ingrid.

We spent Christmas and New Year's Eve at the hospital. This happened for the first time ever. But at least, we were all together as a family and of course, there were Daniel, Johanna and paradoxically, Monica, who was in much deeper sorrow than the rest of us. Dad was typically telling us stories all the time about everything he had seen with his own eyes. And we were sitting around him, eager to listen to him, just like when we were small children. I have always been under the impression that dad wasn't only an actor, who had first studied ethnology. He has always remained a very obscure figure for us, children, even though he was telling us any fictional story a human mind can ever imagine. And there always has remained this thought in my mind, that far from acting, my father had done wonderful and impressive things, at least before I was born. Having such a motivation and appetite to live, how could this man just go?

Ten days after New Year's Eve, dad's health was rapidly worsening. He had started doing chemotherapies, but they didn't seem to work on him at all. His health was getting even worse. Doctors always try to encourage families, telling them to keep on hoping, but now this was in vain. Doctors themselves couldn't keep on feeding us false hopes. We knew that we didn't have much time with dad anymore.

I wouldn't keep on with the tour and I didn't care what the others would do. I hoped they could, at least, do it without me. I wouldn't leave my family for any reason, just for the sake of a tour. And furthermore, I didn't have the heart to get out on stage, headbanging, while my dad was a cancer patient, spending his last weeks (or days?) in a fucking hospital. And of course, I didn't dare to talk about my dad to the rest of the guys, because I didn't need any pity.

I don't want my readers to feel tired nor depressed with what I am writing. And of course,  I wouldn't like to go into more details about the whole thing, because my father was and has always been valuable for me. It hurts that I'm forced to remember all these details. On January, 30th, 2027, my father became another hero. And as Bryan used to say, when he also lost his own father, heroes and legends don't really die, but they always live within our hearts.

And my dad was, is and will always be a great hero, who never gave up on anything. Until the end of his life, he remained this storyteller with a child's mind, which makes up fantastical worlds. This is how he remained until these 72 years of his life. This father, who, when I was 15, forced me to set my own imagination free and write my first horror story. This father, who was forcing mum to leave the door open wide, so that people would come in and visit the Sorensen family. This man, who never sent anyone away. Everybody was welcome and everybody had the chance to listen to his own stories. Everybody would always see me and tell me You are exactly just like Mr Thomas.

I remember a single time, in 2022 when Sofia and Jesikka were at my own kitchen. I could overhear the girls behind the door, who were talking about my parents. Jesikka was discussing actors with Sofia and then she asked her who she would mention as her favourite actors. Then, Sofia replied: "It might sound a cliché or too corny, but I'd say, Niki and Thomas Sorensen". Jesikka started laughing and she said: "No, I find it really sweet. But why them?"

"Because both of them are great idols! Those two people are brilliant actors, people and parents. Just think about the fact that Ingrid has never taken acting lessons and she's a marvellous actress. Who do you think she's inherited her talent from?"

My eyes started to get wet.

Sofia went on: "Those people are so good-hearted and open to all the people. And they have such a great talent that their own theatrical style is notable. And yes, they are my favourite actors. And without them, I would have never become an actress myself. If I hadn't watched Niki and Thomas act, I wouldn't have ever become an actress".

I started sobbing silently so that they wouldn't notice I could hear them. Yes, Sofia was absolutely right. They are my own favourite actors too. I could never voice that out loud because I didn't want to be mocked. But my greatest acting (and not only) idols have never been Meryl Streep or Clint Eastwood. They were my parents, though: Niki and Thomas Sorensen. And that's why I wouldn't either have become an actress, weren't those two people my own parents.

And I owe the fact that I'm an author to this hero with this blonde ponytail, who in my heart will always remain a crazy storyteller. I hope that he still keeps on narrating stories, where he is.

48. MUSIC AND COLOURS

Ingmar and I got married on September 27, 2025. Even though our relationship had always been secret, mainly because we wanted to protect our child, this doesn't mean that nobody ever knew anything about us. Of course, many rumours as well as a lot of gossiping was going around, but no one was allowed to invade our private lives. Being really careful with that, that day, Ingmar and I posted a picture of us on the net, without any text above though. That day, I was wearing a straw hat with ribbons around it and a red dress. As soon as this picture was uploaded, we met with thousands of comments. However, I noticed that there were very few people who were proud of us being together or called us lovebirds or similar corny bullshit. Most of us would say that we had to put a record together, something that wasn't a bad idea at all.

In October 2025, I called Johanna (not my sister, but her friend) and I told her I would make it in the studio. Thus, I caught the train and travelled to Alta, where the recording sessions would take place. Since I was a small kid, I knew that Johanna had a distinctive talent for making electronic compositions. She liked mixing weird sounds and create music with these. I think she could perfectly compose a film soundtrack, given the fact that a lot of movies contain electronic soundtracks and not typical symphonic/orchestral music. Artists who compose this kind of film music, for example, are Vangelis or Tangerine Dream.

Johanna and I had a lot of things in common. I also like combining weird sounds and, of course, the favourite instrument of both of us was the Moogling. When I was young and she used to come to our place, I remember that I had just bought my first Moog synthesiser and she was extremely excited about it. She was jealous of its amplifier because it had colourful cables. And far from music, Johanna had also studied Linguistics, so we also had many things in common. We were only slightly different when composing, in the sense that she wouldn't always sketch the songs she was composing. Sometimes she would just experiment with sounds and compose anything that would get out of this. I would never do that. As I've already mentioned, I first became an author and then a musician, thus while composing music, in many ways I work as an author too: there is always a framework, a context first, which is afterwards filled with music. Sometimes, it seems to me as if I compose music for non-existent films, playing in my head.

Recordings lasted a month, indeed. Prior to my coming to the studio, Johanna had planned which ones were going to be my own parts. And I liked these because her album had a beautiful topic. It was inspired by the Planet Earth documentary, which was presented by Sir David Attenborough and her songs referred to parts of the natural world. There were different songs, for example, about the continents, the jungles, the forests, the sea etc. and I thought it was a beautiful idea. And even though, one could expect her to compose symphonic music for that, she only used electronic instruments. My own parts were about the sea, the forests and underwater caves. My favourite places ever!

In November 2025, I went back home, planning to start composing new music for Alexandria. I had come up with a very good idea. During the previous months, I had found an interest in learning the way in which some mental disorders or chemical substances could alter the mind's function. I used to watch videos, which were simulations showing how, let's say, a schizophrenic person experiences the world and their own selves too. These were rather accurate videos and described these situations in such a freaking way. I'd watched a video, in which a schizophrenic person had woken up in the morning in a room, which seemed really dark in his own eyes. Suddenly his phone started to ring, which had a really distorted sound. The melody was a typical i-phone melody, but it sounded distorted. Of course, you could also hear voices whispering things like they're coming after you or you are worthless and why don't you kill yourself? and more freaking things like that. After a while, this person turns on the TV and while the broadcast is about the weather forecast, at some point the presenter turns to the person and says: and the fault is yours because you're worthless. Of course, healthy people can understand that the real world doesn't work like that, but this is all part of a schizophrenic mind. It is a real nightmare for those people to experience the world like that because delirium means that one is absolutely sure that these situations are real and nobody can change their mind. I remembered myself a few years back in Amsterdam when someone had thrown LSD on my drink. If this experience was nightmarish to me, then what else could you say about schizophrenic people?

Furthermore, I was really interested in learning how hallucinogens affect your mind and I'm not referring to LSD only, but in psychedelic drugs, in general. I've mentioned before that I've been a huge Porcupine Tree fan and one of my favourite albums of all times is Voyage 34. That particular album has nothing to do with a space voyage or something like that, as I had falsely assumed, in the beginning. It is an album, segmented into four different parts, which contain psychedelic and experimental music. At the same time, it contains narrations by people, who talk about their own experience, while consuming LSD. The main story, which is narrated in the following: a young man, called Brian, calls his friends at home, in order to make LSD use and observe the effect that the drug is going to have on them. Our friend, Brian, is not scared at all, because during all these 33 LSD trips, he only had to snap his fingers and down he came. But this particular time, on voyage 34, Brian couldn't snap his fingers and terminate the trip. He was terrified and he was sitting alone in his room. What the song describes, thus, is a bad trip. The narrations in the song actually come from a 1966 radio broadcast, whose goal is to campaign against LSD. Voyage 34 feels like a post-soundtrack to this broadcast.

I really loved this album. I think it has been the album that I've mostly listened to during my whole life. There's been a time that I used to play it about fifteen times a day. I would quite often live the experience. I would play the whole album and sit down for an hour, keeping my eyes closed. Sometimes it would work in a therapeutic way for me, as it could make me escape my problems for a while -- and at times, from reality itself. It has always helped me to calm down, whenever I'm going through serious problems with my life. I just keep completely to myself, playing this album and tripping for an hour that it lasts. This is another way, in which I can trip without using drugs (as Jesikka used to say) and indeed, the way in which true escape sensation works better in me. Nowadays I can say that Voyage 34, is my favourite album of all times.

As an avid sci-fi and horror book reader, one of my favourite authors has always been Aldous Huxley (grandson to this lunatic man, Thomas Huxley, a biologist and Charles Darwin's right hand). He has written Brave New World, which is a marvellous book and I suggest you immediately go and buy it.  However, by coincidence, during the same time I was into my psychedelic readings, I had found another book by Huxley on a flea market in Kirkenes. It was a book called Psychedelics. Huxley was a regular LSD user and wrote this book, which refers to his own experience, concerning the effect that this drug had on him. Whatsoever, it is said that just before he died, he asked his wife to give him some LSD, because he wanted to die in a magical world.

Of course, even though all these ideas seemed really interesting to me, they were more or less my own personal interests. I couldn't force the others to spend so many months in the studio, keeping themselves busy with LSD. On the other hand, neither did I want to throw this idea away, because as I said, I really loved it, nor did I want to make a solo album. I hate solo albums. But then, I came up with the solution, that we could record this album with Uaithnia. Both my sister and Vivian were really fond of these topics and of course, Voyage 34 was one of my sister's favourite albums.

Thus, I spoke to the rest of the girls: my sister, Vivian and Nancy. I can say that they found this idea really interesting and they even were very excited about this. I can't explain why, but such topics as hallucinations, illusions, schizophrenia and in general, topics related to the distorted brain function are things I'm extremely fixated on. I know it's a dramatic experience for a patient, but I like learning more about these and they appeal to me exactly the same deep way in which water and the sea do.

Because we wanted to release the album in February, we went straight to the studio and decided to start composing there instantly. I had such a great need to get these beautiful ideas out on paper and keys, that I couldn't care about not being at home. Furthermore, for the first time ever I didn't start composing on a piano, but on a plain synthesiser instead. I suppose I was rather inspired by Johanna's album, as its music was electronic. Our record was going to be mainly instrumental and wouldn't contain so many lyrics. An album I was also inspired by was Dead Can Dance's Aion. Lisa Gerrard has a brilliant voice and especially in that particular album, her vocals are enchanting. During that time I was listening to it a lot at home.

The record would start with a composition of mine, that lasted about 13 minutes. I think it's the most psychedelic track I've ever written. Normally the song starts with an instrumental section, lasting about 11 minutes and during the last two minutes, it transforms into a depressive ballad, talking about death. But exactly because this song was completely psychedelic, we decided to extract that section and move it to the beginning. It perfectly fits there, however, in fact, it's too obvious that this song starts by its end and this is really bizarre. It has been played live before, accompanied by psychedelic visuals, but we don't do this anymore live. First, those images freak people out and secondly it has a clear reference to death, so it's not that pleasing for us to play live.

Some people consider this to be the best song I've ever composed, even though it's not an Alexandria piece. In the past, I think I would think it was too, but I think that we have written happier and less cynical songs. So to say, I believe it was a rather harsh and exaggerating piece, though a lot of effort has been put into it. Just like Voyage 34, this also contained narrations by several people we loved or who were friends of us. Something, which most people might not know, is the fact that some of the narrations are done by my own daughter, Anna, herself, because she has a British accent, due to her father, and of course, she has a cute, childish and fairy-like voice. The song's name is An Upstair Case and it was taken from a part of Voyage 34.

A piece I had also composed myself and I liked is one For Those We Noticed... I wouldn't like to mention why I chose this seemingly irrelevant title, concerning the song's content. People who know me best can probably have a clue. This song refers to a human condition, called synesthesia, which is something I can achieve too and I realised I did, at such older age. It has nothing to do with empathy, as I falsely assumed in the beginning. Synesthesia is about perceiving things around using different senses than you normally do. This is something that you can also achieve through LSD usage, but it's not always the case. This ability can also be innate. In other words, one with synesthesia can be seeing music or hearing colours. For example, you can listen to a word and think that its colour is purple. In my own case, I am a synesthetic person, mainly concerning music. For example, when I read a book, quite often I can hear it, meaning that I sometimes hear melodies in my mind. This is something that occurs to me when I walk in nature too. That's why I can write music in a somehow automatic way when I am thinking of some story, a framework or when I am exposed to a picture. A few years back, I had once challenged myself on purpose, placing a book of pictures on the piano. I was trying to play this picture in music. That's what synesthesia is all about.

The title of the album was The Voyage and it was quite obvious where this came from. And after that, we were about to start a long tour. We were planning to do something really extraordinary this time. Uaithnia would do a common tour with Alexandria. We would divide the show into two parts and we would include an intermission. During the first part, Uaithnia would play The Voyage in its entirety and after the intermission, Alexandria would play their songs too. It was necessary for us to play the whole album because the songs were connected. The album seemed like a very long song and the ending of one song was the beginning of the other, except for the first track, which, as I said, starts from its ending.

The album was released on February 26, 2026, and our tour started instantly. I can say that it got positive feedback and for the first time Uaithnia started to become more popular. My main band had always been Alexandria, while Uaithnia was nothing but an experimental rock project, which my sister, Johanna, and I had both formed during my teenage years. However, after The Voyage, not only did we get more fans, but we heard many people say that they didn't like Alexandria that much, but Uaithnia were a wonderful band. The truth is that Alexandria is a simple prog rock band, while Uaithnia is doing more cinema-like and experimental music.

My mum liked the album too, even though it was about LSD. Mums are not always that excited when their children are interested in that stuff. But I had talked to her about synesthesia before. I was so happy to have realised I could achieve that too because this way I had understood what makes me write music. And the good job I did, because being able to compose music too, I'm not just a plain writer, but I can also put some colour to my stories. (Oops! I just made an indirect reference to synesthesia).