50. HEALTH

My father's death for me was the greatest blow I had ever had. Every night, when I was going to fall asleep, I always had memories of him. I can remember this summer, back in 2019, when he had visited me in Ireland. He had travelled without mum because as he said, he wanted to have a little chat with some entrepreneur, who was planning to run his own rock bar. I don't know what they were going to talk about, because as I've already said before, I've always known my father solely as an actor and an ethnology graduate. He had never talked to me about things he had done in the past, other than acting, except for these seemingly imaginative stories he used to narrate to the end of his life.

So, that summer he had visited me and when he entered my house, he instantly opened the fridge and said: "Let's have a look at what my little princess eats". He always had the habit of calling me his little princess. When I was a kid, I was a bit annoyed by it, because I considered it too babyish. Growing older, though, every time he used to call me like that, I was feeling deeply emotional. "That's why you've lost so much weight", he would say. "Because your fridge is completely empty". And I would reply: " I do eat, dad. See, I know how to cook and I have lunch with my friends almost every noon here".

During this time that he was here, I was staging a play with my team, therefore I invited my dad to the rehearsals, so he could tell us about his opinion, as an experienced actor that he was. Everybody was speechless. He was so calm and such a soft speaker and he would advise us about our body position, when we act, or about our expressions. He had nothing to do with me, as I would raise my voice to the other guys. Whenever he gave us advice, we were listening to him carefully, as if he were a teacher. In a way, he was, at least for me. Because, as I've said before, it's due to him and mum, that I got to become an actress too, without having studied acting or anything like that.

I used to think about all these stories, while in tears. I missed my dad so much and I would miss him forever. Ingmar was trying to comfort me and he was telling me I had to remember our beautiful moments. This is what hurt more. So to say, the fact that we would never live those beautiful moments ever again. Then, Ingmar said something else too:  "Just think that there are cases when children lost their parents and they could never get close to them or always think that they had never had the chance to tell them how important they had been for them". Ingmar was right. Of course, as for me, I can't say that I had ever said all that in words. But I think I had shown him how much I loved him and he did too.

Even though I was in sorrow, the good thing in all that is, that things weren't as bad as, let's say, 2021. To start with, I wasn't suicidal anymore. And what is more, there's a huge difference between things that happened back in 2021 and the current situation. During those days, my whole life was shit and I felt completely lost. I was living a life in Ireland, which I didn't want at all, so things were wrong in general.

Now things weren't like that. I was living the life I wanted with my husband and our child and now I could, at last, make my dreams come true. I was mentally healthy. My life was ok, though my heart was in pain. And when the heart is in pain, we mustn't neglect it but heal the pain. That's why, I didn't choose to stay alone during these difficult times, as I used to, back in the days. I was constantly with Ingmar and Anna, we were playing games together, watching movies and of course, I used to spend a lot of time with mum too. I don't want to catastrophise, but I've always thought that our beloved people won't be around forever. Nobody lives eternally. We only live for a few decades and then we are buried under the ground. I wanted to be with my mum, for as long as I could, because she wouldn't either live forever.

In the meantime, because of my father's condition, I had also started to have some problems with my spine. Since December, I had had severe pains in my bones, because I was sleeping in a hospital chair almost every night. And the pain would usually strike me just before I went to sleep or while waking up. I hadn't visited a doctor, because I didn't consider it that serious and I just thought it would be over soon.

Ten days, after dad passed away, a second cousin of mine, who lives in Trondheim, called me to inform me about some sad news. She said to me that her mother passed away, who was my father's first cousin. I didn't know her that well, although she had visited us a few summers ago in Kirkenes. I decided to go to the funeral, though I was already sick of funerals. That day I was discussing dad's health with my cousin and about the fact that since August the whole family was at the hospital. I also told her I was suffering from pains in my bones, because I had been sleeping in a chair for months. Then my cousin advised me to have some physiotherapy. I had known a physiotherapist, that one who used to treat my dad. But first, I wanted to make an appointment at the hospital for a checkup.

I remember that my aunt's funeral took place on a Thursday and I booked an appointment for Monday. I went, therefore, to the hospital in Kirkenes on Monday and did a general checkup. I was told I would be informed about the results in a phone call. Two days later, the doctor called me and said: "Mrs Sorensen could you please visit us again, because we have to recheck a few things?"

"What's wrong?", I asked in shock. What did I have?

"Probably, nothing serious. We might have made some mistake in our results. That's why we have to check it again. Could you visit tomorrow morning again?"

"Yes, I can", I answer. What the hell was going on? On the one hand, I was taken down with a wave of fear that I might have something serious and on the other hand, I was comforting myself thinking that medical opinions are sometimes wrong, that's why a second visit is required.

The next morning, I went to the hospital again. "What have you found?", I asked. The doctor replied: "Don't worry. Everything is under control. We've just made a mistake. There's no need to panic without any reason". No need to panic since when? Since he told me that he gives my father two months to live? How many months to live would I now have?

On the other hand, I walked home relieved. Everything was perfect and there was nothing wrong with me. I would start having physiotherapy, I would be walking in the forest with Ingmar (or my mum) to gather mushrooms and Anna would start Junior High School next year. Ingmar and I might have had our own children, so I would feel happy about becoming a child's biological mother. That night, Ingmar said to me: "Everything alright? How come did you visit the doctor again?"

"He did a mistake", I replied. "Therefore I did another checkup. I'll be given the results tomorrow morning".

That night, I had a horrible nightmare. I dreamt I was walking close to a river along with Anna. There was a bridge, crossing the river and leading to the other side. As Anna and I were to cross the bridge, we suddenly saw my father at the end of the road. He was greeting us cheerfully and was shouting: "Ingrid, Ingrid! Come here! At last, we meet again!" Then, I exclaimed: "Look, Anna. Your grandpa! Let's go and say hello". But when we reached him, he suddenly pulled me towards him and said: "Only you are coming with me. Nobody else". And then, suddenly, everything behind me, including Anna, disappeared and was replaced by a murky glass. "Anna! Anna!", I screamed.

"She can't hear you", my father said. "Now you are here with me".

"I want my child back!", I screamed.

"I'm sorry, princess", my dad said and hugged me.

Then, I woke up sweating. Ingmar was next to me, holding my hand. "Calm down, princess", he said.

"What did you call me?", I said in a puzzle. What a weird déjà vu.

"A princess", he replied. "You look like a princess when you sleep".

I smiled. Only my dad used to call me a princess.

Then, I tucked my head in the sheets. Ingmar stroke my head: "What were you dreaming of?"

"Dad".

"You are worried about the results".

"Nonsense", I said. "Why should I be worried? Everything will be alright. I know".

"I do too, sweetheart". Something in his voice made me think that something wasn't right at all.

I went to the hospital to receive the results. When I entered the room, the doctor seemed too worried.

"Good morning, Mrs Sorensen. Here are the results".

"Which are...?", I asked.

He sighed: "Listen, Ingrid, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but you have so many common health problems with your father. It's probably hereditary, but...."

"Doctor, please tell me what's wrong with me", I said sharply.

"Err, I think we found a tumour in your bones..."

"I've got bone cancer", I replied. "That's why I suffer from those pains".

"I'm so sorry that you have to learn something like that from me".

"I know, doctor. A few months ago, you were the one to tell me that my father had two months to live".

"Yes, so you understand. The good thing is that it is on an early stage, so we might be able to do something with chemos".

"I don't want you to tell me how long I am going to live. Because I will live and I know. I know it's too hard, but I've got a husband, an eleven-year-old daughter and a mother who just lost her husband. I will live because I have no other choice. Due to this thing, I lost three precious people from my life and now it won't take me too".

And after these words, I tucked the results in my bag and returned home. Ingmar instantly asked me what the doctor said. The first thing that I thought was I have cancer and I might die too, but I just smiled and said: "It was only a mistake. Everything is alright. These pains come from the fact that I used to sleep in a chair. I will recover either as time goes by or with physiotherapy".

Ingmar hugged me. "That's great, my love", he said. "You have no idea how happy that makes me".

He has always trusted me and that's why he didn't ask to see the results. He would never imagine the fact that I might not be telling him the truth. That's why I really wanted to cry. I was lying to my husband, even though I knew I had cancer. There was a probability that he would lose me forever, just as he lost his first wife too, and I was lying to him. But I didn't either know what else to do. I had to start doing chemos, but I didn't know how and where.

That afternoon I had an idea. My first cousin, Vigge, that is my aunt Kati's son, was a surgeon, having specialised in bone cancer cases and he was working at the hospital in Sidney. He could probably help me somehow. I locked myself in the bathroom on the second floor, so that nobody can hear me and dialled Vigge's number.

"Good evening, Vigge", I said. "This is Ingrid. How are you?"

"Quite good, cousin. I've got too much work. What about you?"

I cleared my throat. "I'm not well, at all".

"Because of uncle's passing?"

I remained silent for a while. "No, not only because of that".

"What's wrong?"

"I'll tell you something because you are a doctor. And in my case too, I would like you to keep patient confidentiality".

"Tell me".

"Vigge, I did a checkup at the hospital", I said. "I was diagnosed with bone cancer. Nobody knows that, not even my husband".

"Have you started chemos? What stage is it in? Is it metastatic?"

"Listen", I said. "I was informed about it this morning and it's on an early stage. I can overcome this, I know. I won't let this beat me because I can't do this to people who love me and whom I love. Look in what a pain we are now that dad is gone. Why should I give such pain to my beloved ones? To my husband, who has once before been widowed, to my child, who will lose her mother for a second time and to my mum, who will lose her daughter, after losing her husband. Let alone my siblings".

"Stop, I'll burst into tears", he said. "I will completely help you. Listen to what we can do. Could you leave Norway for a while?"

"Umm...", I stuttered. "If it has to do with my health, of course, I can".

"You have to move to Sidney. Thus I can be checking you, you will start chemos here and I might even operate you. What do you think?"

"Would you do something like that for me?", I said.

"You sacrifice everything for your family, Ingrid. This is something that you can now understand, right?"

"Right. So, I'd also have to announce my state to my family, isn't is so?".

"Well, this would already happen sooner or later".

I sighed. "Fine, then".

"Keep me informed", he said. "And everything is going to be alright. Ok?"

"Ok".