35. LAWSUIT

When my parents saw me, they thought I just came to see them. I hadn't told them what had happened with Lydia, mainly because I didn't want to frighten them.

My mum said: "Look. In a week, your father and I are going on a tour. We are staging a new play and we're coming back in a few months".

"Good luck", I said disinterestedly. "I'm staying here for the whole summer or maybe more. I don't know yet".

I couldn't go anywhere now. I had to stay here and contact a lawyer, so we could form the lawsuit paper. My mum was looking at me worried. I turned to her and said desperately: "You do know how supportive I've been all these years. You know I'm the proudest daughter about anything you've done in theatre. But now...it's impossible for me to be on your tour. Mum, so many bad things have happened lately and I'm not able to talk about them now. The only thing I need to do is stay at home by myself and come up with a solution. I want to stay alone for as many months as needed".

Since I had the abortion, I was feeling very bad mainly towards myself. I hated myself for everything that had happened because it was my fault that I was doing one mistake after another, without considering the consequences. I was thinking I could do many things after that. And one of these was killing myself. So, when my parents left, I locked myself in the bathroom and started thinking. What would it feel like in case I just disappeared? I thought I had done so many mistakes, that I wasn't even worthy of being alive. I was long considering the possibility of just dying and I was trying to find all possible ways.

But after a while, I smacked myself and thought: "Another failure too?" That would be my greatest failure ever, I mean, taking away my own life. Even though I felt like being a total wrack, I told myself I would never do something like that. I could bring such pain neither to my parents, nor to my siblings, nor to my friends. I remember whispering in the dark I would never do that. I would always try to find hope.

Within June we managed to find Lydia. We then made it clear she wasn't going to be a member of the band anymore. I wasn't present in the conversation, because I couldn't face her at all. And because she wasn't even a popular person, fans didn't really seem to care, when we announced her dismissal. But I can't say that things were the same concerning people we already knew. Some friends of mine, mainly from Norway, were trying to figure out what the hell is happening with this band and they demanded we justify our behaviour towards Lydia. I replied to them that the answers would be given over the course of time.

I was hoping things wouldn't proceed further than just the dismissal and the only thing that would change was that we would just go on without Lydia. However, this money should be handed back to the band, even though it was extremely hard for me to sue my former bandmate and former best friend. I was in such a great dilemma because on the other hand I'd think fuck yeah, let's go and kick this motherfucker's ass and take our money back. On the other hand, I was in deep sorrow, because I could realise that the adversary was nobody else than my school friend. I was thinking Christ, what am I about to do?

I was the one to form the lawsuit paper along with the lawyer. While writing the paper, I felt I was living a nightmare. At times I'd come down with panic attacks, where I'd start screaming, shaking out of terror and thinking I was going to die. Were my parents present, they'd think I'd gone bonkers. And I actually started to think that I'm going mad. That time I couldn't even be apathetic. I couldn't pretend to stop feeling. And I hoped I could die. Whilst during the previous five years, the possibility of committing suicide still existed at the back of my mind and didn't dare to come out, now, every now and then, I'd fantasise along with that. What would it be like if I could die? During the whole summer, I was in a huge emotional crisis. I hoped I could be redeemed through this case.

October 17, 2021. That was the day when the court would take place. 6 days after the death anniversary of my potential child. Isn't that an irony? Lydia and Lars were in the case --they were obliged to, anyway-- and tried to defend themselves, speaking of us in the worst terms. Well, couldn't Lydia remember anything we'd gone through together during these twenty years? I can refer to everything Lydia said about us, in a nutshell.

"My first meeting with the band, Alexandria, took place in 2011 at the place of the aunt of the pianist and composer, Ingrid Sorensen. During that time, Ingrid's aunt, Kati Nikelova, was my piano teacher, thus Ingrid and I had already met each other at her aunt's home. I had just graduated from studying psychology and I had thought of starting working as a therapist. However, at that time, Ingrid insisted I joined her band, even though she had known me only for two days. My mother had passed away a few years before and my siblings weren't adults yet, so money at home was getting less. It was too hard for me to be a permanent member of the band, but I didn't either have the heart to leave, as Ingrid knew exactly how to make other people break with her alleged mysterious and cute presence. During that time, she even seemed as if she was facing problems with herself, due to her own self-esteem, so that anyone could feel pity for her. The rest of us would approach her, in order to make her talk, however she would often use a justification that she couldn't voice her feelings out loud. However, from the observer's side, I came up with the following question: If one is in such deep pain, then wouldn't their own self pressure them to lighten themselves by talking to some familiar, at least, person? As a psychologist and a person with a deep empathy to a fellow man, I approached Ingrid and told her we could have "unofficial" sessions. I hoped she would pay a small fee, but I got it completely wrong. After a while, her aunt suddenly announced to me that she couldn't be my piano teacher anymore. Thus, I was forced to ask Ingrid herself to start teaching me. It's quite obvious that I had the dignity not to accept paying for the lessons, as she wouldn't be paying me for our sessions.

During our lessons, Ingrid was a rather pressuring person, while she would often laugh at or mock my own mistakes. We would also fight, when my performance wasn't as perfect as she wanted it to be. In the end, just like her aunt, she abandoned me on the pretext of moving to another country, while she announced her decision to me a night before leaving. When I begged her to keep having lessons through Skype, she refused and told me I had better find another teacher. It is obvious that Kirkenes is such a small town, that hardly can you ever find a music teacher. Furthermore, we stopped having sessions, as she told me in her raw manner: 'You're also just like the others. I could never trust you.'

Until 2021, when I got sued by the band, Ingrid's behaviour against me was completely inhumane. She mainly used my voice in background vocals, while she was better treating Alexandria's other female vocalist, Dina Halvorsen, as she had a lyrical voice. She was also an authoritarian person, with a self-centered and a navel-gazer character. She had verbally forbidden anyone touch any of her own songs, so that the band seemed as if it were the result of a solo career, rather than a team. Very often, she used to mock me, calling me unable to compose my own songs, whereas, when I once dared to present my own composition to her -even my first one-, she laughed at it in such a cynical way and even said that only her own compositions can ever be perfect so that she made me feel I didn't deserve to be anything. I'd describe this as gaslighting and the need to conquer other people.

I was the only member of the band, which she had always retired herself from. In the van, during our tours, she would never talk to me, so I'd be spending all these months along with my husband, Lars. And I'm quite sure that Lars wasn't a great problem to Ingrid and she must have liked him a lot, as during summer 2018, she 'hit' on him.

During the years 2018-19, I had been a victim of frequent attacks from Ingrid, who was subtly setting traps on me. For example, she would often approach me, in order to tell me that sometimes she feels she is not doing things perfect. And when I would advise her either not press herself or try harder, she would reply in a hostile way: 'So, do you consider me to be useless?'. She once attacked me, when I dared advising her to give a priority to the band rather than her sister's projects. Our last fight took place at Kirkenes bus stop, when I complained to her, as I was informed about the fact that she 'hit' on my husband. Then, she herself started screaming at me, calling me a prostitute. Finally, during summer 2021, I received a lawsuit paper from Alexandria. Nobody had warned me against that, nor had I discussed anything with the others. This fact meant my total destruction, as, during all these 28 years that I have been alive, I wouldn't expect such cruel behaviour from my friends, especially Ingrid. I've been accused of stealing one and a half million euros. I am an honest person and how could I commit such a crime?'

I was speechless, freezing, by hearing all this. Everything was a lie. A TOTAL LIE! Quite the opposite was what had happened. Lydia was talking in such a neutral way so that she gets favoured by the judges. She was a very sly and sneak person. To start with, I never pressured anybody join my band, but Lydia instead was insisting, while I was too scared, as I had met her literally two nights before she asked me to join. Furthermore, Lydia was lying about her economic status. Let's not fool ourselves, but in Norway people don't ever have financial problems, except if they are immigrants, especially Lydia's family, as her father was an entrepreneur. Lydia and Lars used to spend their summer vacations in a villa in the Maldives. I wouldn't even do this, even though my parents were actors.

She should be ashamed of herself, even as a psychotherapist, if she considered me to fake being a desperate person with a low self-esteem, only because I needed people to feel pity against me. Only my heart knows what I'd been going through all these years and that there were even darker times when I was on a cutting edge and I was thinking of killing myself. A few years ago, Vivian's phone call had literally saved me, when I had locked myself in the bathroom, about to swallow ten boxes of tranquilizers. If I had killed myself back then, would she ever realise in what a mental state I was in or was she such a pig that she'd consider that I also did this because I asked for pity? Back then I swore to myself that I wouldn't ever harm myself again, even though I was still in pain. If Lydia is a real psychologist, she should know herself that silence hides a lot of pain behind. And the ones who kill themselves are most of the times these people who never talk, because they feel totally helpless. So when one can't open their fucking mouth and talk about their feelings, they don't do this in a whim, nor because they want to play the mysterious person. I grew up in a village of Norway, spending most hours of the day deep in myself. Most of the time, my parents were in a tour, my two siblings were more than ten years older, whereas my twin sister, Monica, was keeping to herself even more than me. There was no single person, who I could talk to, except for my dog. I have already mentioned in previous chapters that in order to cover the silence, I used to make up little scenarios in my mind. And these days, after growing up, I was looking forward on Wednesdays, when I would go to Harvest and there's where I would write down my scenarios, creating theatrical plays. That was the ultimate expression of escaping reality. Nobody said that I indeed liked that situation or that I enjoyed living lost inside my own microcosm. But I couldn't communicate with people, otherwise. Lydia was thinking that, once you go through a difficult time, you can go for a drink at night with your friend and talk your problem over. Well, that wasn't the case for me. It was impossible for me to just go and tell my friend that I'm having a hard time, except if I wasn't sober. There were times that I would talk, because Dina would force me to, because she could notice I wasn't feeling well, or whenever I had had a few drinks. I would only talk to Johanna sometimes, just because she was my eldest sister. That's why Lydia was killing me with her words that, all in all I was feeling totally fine and if things were that bad, I would have opened my mouth and have talked. And she had to be ashamed of herself to have spit out something like that, as long as she said she was a psychotherapist.

As far as her payment was concerned, my aunt was the one to ask me to start teaching Lydia the piano and as an exchange Lydia said we could have unofficial therapy sessions. She herself told me that nobody has to pay, but we could instead offer our services to each other. During lessons, I never treated her badly. I didn't anyway know how to behave in any cruel way, that's why most of the time people said I was too naive and innocent, because I would never take anything serious upon myself. Her performance was indeed really weak, while a great amount of time was lost because she was talking to me about irrelevant stuff. Nevertheless, I would always praise her or ask her politely to talk about other stuff in the end of the lesson. And I would always treat her porridge and fruits! When I was about to move to Ireland, I had warned her about that at least a month before that, apologising to her. She never talked to me about Skype lessons and if she had, I would have seriously taken this into account, no matter if piano lessons through Skype are practically impossible to happen. And surely one could easily find a music teacher in Kirkenes. She could go to the Academy, where I would also go when I was young. And as far as sessions were concerned, I've also referred before, the fact that Lydia told me You're just a lost case, when I confided in her that I'd reached the point of hating myself. I would never tell anyone to their face that I couldn't trust them, even if that was true.

It was true that Lydia's voice wasn't used that often in lead vocals. However, this isn't related to the fact that Dina had a lyrical voice. I can't say that Lydia had the best voice in the world, but this didn't mean anything to me. The reason was that Lydia refused to compose anything and when she finally composed a melody, a few months later she accused me of telling her she was writing childish songs. (Not to mention that children's songs were my paradise). Alexandria is not my solo career, but a musical family. If Lydia refused to compose songs, how could I or any member of the band be able to fit her own voice to the songs? This was something she had to do herself. I was the one who was writing all the lyrics, as the others asked me to do this, back in 2011, and since then we established that tradition. No one ever asked to write lyrics, except for our second album, nor Dina, who has been herself an excellent lyricist. And if the other members of the band ever asked me to write lyrics -that's irrelevant, as I'm no leader- and I refused to let them, then I'd be a real motherfucker. She'd even told me, back then, that she couldn't compose her own music and I approached her and told her, full of affection, that she shouldn't have low self-esteem. Because I knew this. I knew the feeling of having a so fucked up self-esteem and my heart was breaking to see even the worst wanker feel as such.

That bitch even dared to refer to the incident with Lars. She should maybe know that he was the one who put me on a wall and was about to touch me with his filthy hands. But I'm 1.90 tall and pushed him away, otherwise who knows what he could have done? Truth be told, after that incident I was avoiding both of them. There wasn't anything to talk about with Lydia and furthermore, until we completely stopped talking to each other, we were completely in each other's throats. Any time I'd open my heart to her and tell her how bad I was feeling, she would call me useless and disabled and she'd say that the only thing I was able to do in my life was writing. That was the total annihilation of my personality. That's why you shouldn't wonder why I was later feeling that I had no self anymore. As far as our two big fights are concerned, everybody knows what happened. And everybody knows that when we were at the bus stop, she called me a whore, before everybody standing close and I'd turned red from shame, but FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I dared telling someone to fuck off, at least under my breath.

Of course, we sent her a lawsuit paper, because after they stole the money, both of them made away with our money. And we had no other choice, rather than suing them, ain't it so? So, when it was our turn to reply to the accusations, my aunt Kati, who was also a witness, referred to an incident I didn't know. "Seven years ago, I asked my niece, Ingrid, to start teaching Lydia the piano, instead of me. There was indeed a reason. Lydia stopped paying and for such a long time I even reached the point of asking her for the fees and she would always postpone it". She went on and I noticed a wave of anger in her tone. "She NEVER paid. NEVER! And I...I couldn't send her away, because my niece had just a newborn band, which had started to gain success. I couldn't destroy her career".

Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die, I thought.

When it was my turn, I replied to the accusations presenting the whole truth. I referred to the tour, during which Lydia and Lars decided that some shows would be cancelled or they themselves refused to come with us because they wanted to follow illegal means. In other words, they wanted only to do gigs with low taxes, so that the road is open and we can deceive the government. I referred to the fact that I consider these to be sly means and that if someone is able to make such sly thoughts and plans, to my mind they'd easily be able to commit other crimes like stealing money. And fortunately, my argument made many people take it into consideration.

Anyway, Alexandria won the case. The case against my best friend. I remember walking out of the court about to pass out. Dina lifted me up and said: "Come on, I'll take you home".

After the court, I couldn't stay long at home. I flew to Ireland for the last time, but I didn't stay at my house in Donegal. On the contrary, I hopped onto my boat and sailed to the opposite side, on Arranmore island. I lived for a week as a real recluse, because the cabin I'd built there didn't even have any electricity. It was in the same style as the cabins (summer cottages) in Norway, only that most cabins now function as normal households. The cabin in Arranmore had a room with only one, let's say, bed and something which looked like a fireplace. There was a pit nearby, through which you could get water. I stayed there for a week and I was planning to stay more if people hadn't started to worry about me.

I remember myself sleeping one morning before the fireplace, when Bryan suddenly entered the cabin and woke me up, saying: "What on earth are you doing here all alone all these days?" After he brought me back to reality, we hopped in the boat and returned to the village. And from there, I packed up everything I had in Ireland and returned to Norway. I went back to my parents who, of course, were still on tour.

Back in Norway, I found a pleasant surprise. After the case, Lydia had found all of our common friends and had complained about how cruel the band was towards her. Friends we'd gone through a lot together fell upon me and said I was the nastiest person they'd ever met. That I'd have to be ashamed of myself to have sued my best friend, accusing her of stealing, and not because I wanted to fill my pockets. I really wanted to cry. All those years I've been the one who always tries to keep a balance between us and in the end, I am the one to eat shit. And furthermore, they were accusing me, as if I were the one who suddenly decided on suing Lydia! Just think that I used to be best friends with those people and now they position themselves in a matter which is none of their business, they weren't present in what happened and they even dared to accuse me, after everything we'd gone through together. All in all, Lydia would try to revenge on us until she would totally destroy us.

I wasn't angry nor did I want to revenge on her. On the contrary, I was really upset and felt pain, knowing the fact that there are such people in this world, who can have no sight of their emotions. People who can say and do anything they like without any restraints and without considering other people's feelings. Such a person was Lydia and my friends were so enchanted with Lydia's narcissism, that they'd fall for the yarn, she was telling them, without even caring about the other side of the coin.

But what I was feeling, was a deep pain. That was the last straw for me about everything I was going through all these years. I was feeling as if someone had turned the blade of a knife towards me. Only that I wanted to grab that blade myself and slice my throat until I was dead.

Lydia had made it. Yes, the band won the case indeed, but we lost everything else. I didn't want to keep on living like that. I only wanted to break my promise and kill myself.