"So we're splitting up", I said.
"I don't want you to split up. But if I stay in the band, I won't be mentally healthy. We are not able to look at each other right in the eyes anymore. Can't you see?"
Of course, I could see. And it hurt
me so much. I didn't know if we were splitting up or not, but what I
knew for sure was that for the time being I wasn't healthy at all, in
order to keep on doing anything related to the band.
My parents had left on a tour so this meant that I was completely on my own. Then, I was in deep depression. I had lost any sense of time and I was sleeping outrageously many hours. I had been eating only a little and as a result, I had started losing a lot of weight and I might have been sleeping for 15-17 hours per day. I just felt I didn't want to get up from bed because I didn't have anything important to do. And furthermore, my sorrow was so deep, that I preferred to sleep, rather than keep on crying. Whatsoever, tears, at some point, would dry.
And after the phase of constant sleeping, I went on with the phase,
where I had locked myself in the house, playing video games. I was
spending hours and hours upon them and quite often I would feel like a
fifteen-year-old kid, which is addicted to PlayStation. Only that in my
own case, this long-hour engagement with video games was not this kind
of addiction. I could be wasting time like that on any activity. That
was an escape from reality. That's the only name I can give to that. And
the reason why I was doing this was, as I've mentioned elsewhere too
because I wanted to delete a few hours of the day and skip time. That
means, that I was active only for a few hours within a day. During the
rest of the time, I wished to be absent, as if I were dead. Thus, I
could achieve that in the beginning by sleeping long hours and then by
playing video games.
When not playing video games, I would drive twice or thrice every day towards Grense Jakobselv, gazing at the sea for hours. Thus I wouldn't be thinking of anything at all. There was a specific spot in that place, where you could have a view of the sea. The sea would make me calm down and would give me a feeling of satisfaction. It seemed to me as if the sea would stop time, exactly because it was vast and it made you have your eyes upon the water. And in such a dark time, I needed its calmness.
After going through that phase too, I ended up locking myself at home and once again playing video games or watching The Hours, a movie, in which Nicole Kidman was starring as Virginia Woolf. For some reason, I could really identify myself with Virginia Woolf in the movie, as long as she was my favourite author because I was feeling that everything I was doing was in vain, that everybody would decide about me and only death could save me. In 2020, I felt there was still hope. But now, everything was vain for me. In my mind, there was no sign of solace anymore and I had truly lost control. Since November, I would only let days pass one after the other, having locked all doors, without opening to anyone nor picking up the phone. Only late at night, I would go out to buy cigarettes. I didn't want to put any alcohol in my mouth, because I didn't want to lose control even more and whatsoever I had other ways to escape from reality. Hopefully, my parents were not at home, otherwise, they wouldn't let me become so depressive. However, this is what my heart was longing for. To lose completely any control of my emotions and end up harming even my own self.
Even though I had completely left my book aside, I had been composing music. I used to compose trance and psychedelic pieces on my Moogling and some other bizarre synthesizers that I used to have. It was this kind of music that my soul for years had been longing to compose. I felt hypnotised and thus wouldn't be reminded of everything that I had been suffering from. On the other hand, a person like me who had always been strong and decisive against difficulties, like a true Norwegian, was now left to her own fate.
On Christmas, mum and dad called me to wish me Merry Christmas. They suggested I'd better not spend Christmas all alone, as long as I had no partner, but visit my aunt. They hadn't known anything about my mental state and of course, I didn't reveal what was going on with me. They announced to me that their tour would last until the next year. And when they asked me if I was fine, I lied to them that I was feeling much better and that I had even started composing Alexandria's following album. Alright, that wasn't a total lie. I had been composing some kind of music.
It’s my tradition to be extremely happy on Christmas and this time I also tried to pretend just for the sake of it. I went to Kati's place, who was astonished to see me, because she thought I wasn’t home all this time, as everything was locked up and too dark. I had always been at home, but alone, and I told her I needed some time to write my book. Kati noticed something was happening and I reassured her that nothing is wrong and that all I need is some peace for myself. And I pleaded with her not to worry my parents. I don’t want people only to take care of me. Alas!!
Since the beginning of the year and thereafter, I completely lost track of anything. I once again started sleeping for numberless hours and I had even bought sleeping pills, so they could help me in falling asleep. Every night I would cry without a pause, even though there was no specific reason. I had become very thin and almost anorexic. However, one night I stopped crying. Then, I completely lost control and my mind stopped working. And the only thing I could listen to was only what I had been feeling. I locked myself in the bathroom and, exactly like every night after crying my heart out, I was about to take a sleeping pill. But that time, I forgot and neglected the promise I'd given a few years before and I swallowed all the pills that the box contained. And after that, I tried to fall asleep, at last wishing and waiting for me to die.
I can clearly remember what I had been feeling during the whole night. I was expecting the time when I wouldn't wake up. I was lying on my stomach, feeling my heartbeat and my breath, both functioning in the speed of light. This inhale-exhale thing along with my heart, which was beating like a drum, still haunt me. For a single reason. Because of these anxious moments, when I was thinking that my heartbeat was slowing down more and more until it would completely stop beating. But this never happened. I woke up the following morning normally and I noticed that the time was six and I was all alive, although I was feeling stoned. No, I wasn't dead. And that's why I was cursing myself because I was once again useless. I couldn't even make it and die.
I spent the rest of the day vomiting until late at night. I refused to go to the doctor, because...what would I say? That I wanted to put an end to my life? That I was doing everything so shit, that I didn't want to keep on living anymore? I would be put in a psych ward and everybody would know that Ingrid Sorensen is suffering a mental breakdown. But I couldn't even try again to kill myself. Pills were destroying me and only watching them made me feel sick.
My disease and throwing up lasted two days. A week later, I
was lying in bed sick again, because I had terrible stomach pain. I was
constantly passing out and vomiting anything I was eating. Even though
these were stomach flu symptoms, I was aware of the fact that this was
caused by the pills. Then I hoped that my situation would lead to death.
However, three days later, my physical health went back to normal,
whereas my mental health would become even worse.
There was no self-esteem issue anymore. Now things had completely gotten out of hand. If my problem was still lying on self-esteem, as it once used to, I would cry over Dina's or even my sister's shoulder. And I know that Johanna would cry even more about her sister's messy situation. Why then should I make my most beloved people cry just for my own sake? I'd better disappear from this world. So, I wouldn't be able to see whether the others were getting upset about me.
Even though I was, in general, a rather clean and tidy person, my house now resembled more like a rubbish dump. I was living in a place with unwashed dishes, dirty clothes everywhere, pills, papers with my writings, cables, bottles and lots of dust and filth. I'd thrown plastic bags here and there, in case I lost my mind again some night and decided to cause asphyxia to myself by tying a bag around my head. A month later, though, I decided to take more effective actions. One night, I had fallen on the floor, out of control, crying like a three-year-old baby. In the end, I once again found tranquillizers and sleeping pills and that time I used even more boxes. And then I remained still lying on the floor. After swallowing the pills, the feeling was the same as the previous time and I started feeling again my heartbeat and my breath. However, I wasn't in my bed this time. I was lying on my back down on the cold floor as if I were a homeless person, and I was feeling so weak and stoned, that I couldn't even move. I thought I would vomit during sleep and I would die of aspiration. However, I can remember myself waking up late at night and throwing up on the floor. I kept on throwing up until the morning, suffering severe stomach pain. My pain was so immense, that I wasn't thinking of my death anymore. At 6 o'clock in the morning, I dragged myself to the sofa with my belly lying down, where I grabbed my phone.
I called my sister, Johanna, who was half-awake and told me in terror:
"Ingrid, what's happened to you?"
"Johanna", I started saying. "I'm not feeling well....I took pills....". Johanna realised what I had done and she only said: "Wait and don't move. Only this, ok?".
Half an hour later, the door opened. I would never lock, even though I kept all windows and shutters closed. Then Dina and Eva came in, accompanied by Jesikka and Sofia as well, who were spending their summer holiday in Kirkenes. I couldn't say a word, as I was feeling as stoned as hell. However, the girls were trying to clean me up from vomit remainings and they carried me in Dina's car in a complete mess. They had obviously been informed about everything by Johanna. Nobody was talking to me during the car ride. At some point, I only heard Jesikka saying something like her parents are on a tour. And then I achieved to stutter: "Please....not my parents....". I didn't want my parents to become informed about anything, because I was so embarrassed by them to know that their daughter had just tried to kill herself. But I wasn't even able to talk. Whatsoever my memory is really faint. When we reached Kirkenes hospital, we encountered a huge queue of cars waiting before the hospital. Then Dina honked and she shouted in her familiar gritty attitude: "Get away, damn hell! This girl has taken pills!"
I was finally taken to the emergency room, where the nurses took some X-rays. I can remember some of them asking me whether there was any chance that I was pregnant. I managed to have a laugh because I thought that if there was a chance that I indeed was, after consuming those pills I would surely have had a miscarriage. Some of them asked me, why I did this, but I would avoid answering. If they really cared, they wouldn't insist on learning by asking all the time a woman, who is in such a terrible mess.
Later, I was probably drugged, because I woke up in a completely different place. When I saw the girls, I asked them: "Where am I?"
"In Alta's hospital", they said.
Had I been taken so far away?
"We called your parents and they'll be here in a while", Sofia said.
"They shouldn't know", I said in fear. "Why did you tell them?".
"Because you're their child, Ingrid".
"I'm so embarrassed", I said and closed my eyes. I was indeed feeling embarrassed. How would I look them right in the eye? What would I say to them? That every moment of my life, I wished to die? How could a child tell its parents that it wants to die?
I can remember some doctors coming into the room, placing two small tubes in my nostrils, which were reaching my stomach. It was disgusting and I felt as if someone was breaking my nose, even though I could sense no pain, but a terrible itch instead. However, as I was later informed, what doctors did was a gastrolavage. But did they do this without drugging me at all? Vomiting didn't stop and doctors said that a second pump insertion could be also needed. I had such a terrible fright, that I miraculously stopped vomiting and I instead fell asleep.
I woke up when I heard the chamber's door opening. And then I saw my parents. My mum remained completely patient and to my great surprise, neither was she crying nor did she seem to have freaked out. She knew how to keep herself together during hard times. I asked the girls to take a walk and that now I could be looked after by my parents. When they left, I whispered: "I'm so sorry". My mum replied: "We are the ones who should apologise. Had we known you were so depressed, we would have stayed close to you all this time. We just thought you wanted to be left alone on your own".
"Mum", I said, "I just..." and then tears started running down from my eyes. I hated that. Being forced to cry before my most beloved people. My mum hugged me and said: "Stay calm, my sweet girl. This is what happens, whenever you don't talk to others about what you feel".
I was in such a terrible condition, sobbing without a pause so that I asked my parents to leave me in peace. After they left and I managed to calm down a bit, the whole room remained silent. A teenage girl, lying on the next bed, though, started humming Riders of Night silently. I turned to look at her. She smiled at me and said: "Don't worry. I suffer from bipolar disorder. I've been in that place for exactly the same reason as you. I read the lawsuit paper and I never believed that you're such a shitty person. People who consider you to be a worthy artist can understand what your morals also are". I smiled and the young girl's words made me feel as if my heart were bleeding.
I did no other talking with that young girl. I spent most of the time sleeping because sleeping pills had done a great job. At some point, though, I woke up, because the door opened again. And then the ones who entered were Vivian, along with a man with long dark brown hair, a vintage brown shirt with buttons and a relatively big nose.
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