Days were going by and I was living my love life with Ingmar. And for the first time, after eleven long years, I could say that, at last, I was satisfied with a relationship. I was feeling that this relationship was healthy and nobody pretends that everything is alright, only to keep it going. There was real love and honesty between us. The only relationship, in which I was feeling fine, was the one I had with Josh, eleven years before. Since Josh, not only was I changing boyfriends, as if they were clothes, but I was also getting involved in affairs, only because I didn't want to be lonely. Thus, I was feeling that someone was by my side, however, in the end, all this was completely fake. I was once again lonely. It is just like the scripts for the plays that I write, where I imagine a completely fake reality. I have known very well how to do this since I was nine years old. Exactly because I didn't have any friends, back then, I used to make stories with people all around me.
Of course, now I did have friends and moreover, I had lately started to be in girl groups, something that I would never do before. Dina, Jesikka and Sofia were constantly at my place, since 2021 when I returned to Norway. Normally, Eva was also in our company, before she killed herself. However, even though I would be close to people all the time, I would once again find communication through scripts. What I mean to say is, that you shouldn't imagine that I would only sit down and write scripts for plays, just like I was doing back then in Harvest. In Harvest, I would only find peace and this was the best thing for me. Scripts were coming to my head when I would escape from the real world. And that was the reason, why I liked going out for a walk by myself, listening to (usually instrumental/orchestral) music and even better, playing video games for endless hours. However, this was something I hadn't instantly realised about myself. Some afternoon, during June 2022, the girls had paid me a visit. I was playing video games while thinking of scenes for supposed theatrical plays. Then, I heard Jesikka saying in a loud voice: "Ingrid!"
I sprang up from the sofa: "You scared me to death and I almost missed", I complained.
"I had no other choice", she replied. "I already called you three times and your mind was elsewhere. Probably you were fully immersed in the game".
I laughed. "It's not what you're thinking. I was thinking about other stuff".
"And where was your mind was travelling this time?".
"There where it always does", I replied. "I was thinking scenarios for some supposed play".
Jesikka burst out in laughter: "Ingrid, I admire this ability of yours".
"Which ability?", I asked.
"You know that many people struggle to escape from reality because their life is so shit, that they want to disappear at least for a few hours".
Oh, this reminds me of something!
"That's why they start getting involved with excessive alcohol or gambling", I said, trying to defend myself, in the sense that I had nothing to do with something like that.
"Or drugs".
"Of course", I exclaimed. "They trip to death, in order that they can live in a more reassuring reality".
"This is what you also do", she told me.
Uh-oh! Did she know anything about the pills? I looked at her frightened.
"Without drugs, though. You are tripping, without using drugs. This is who you are; a tripper! And this is something so marvellous. So many people are trying to escape from reality and they can't achieve this nor by substance usage and you....are able to do this, whenever you like it, only because at any time given you can open a door in your mind".
"You're right, Jesikka", I said in a sly smile.
I was indeed tripping, without drugs. However, this wasn't so marvellous and amazing, as Jesikka would describe it. Jesikka had no idea about how I was feeling. I was feeling that my thoughts were stealing my life and that I was trapped in my own head. And exactly for the reason why I couldn't say out loud anything I was thinking about, I pretended to play my thoughts somewhere. I felt that this had to stop somehow, otherwise I would turn into a paranoiac. And even though, during later months, my situation was improving and I was feeling freer, I wasn't able to solve that issue. I had truly started to accept Ingrid. To accept my flaws and failures. However, I was living two lives: One of the real world and the other one of my books and plays. And this didn't let me move on for two reasons.
First of all, when I would be met up with some difficulty, I would hit a wall and I would find a shelter there. Then, I was thinking that I will just let go of whatever has happened, simply writing down my thoughts, that is writing dialogues in the scripts of my plays, about how I could have dealt with the situation. However, I wouldn't ever express out loud anything I wanted to say. It would be really good for my mental health if I could talk about anything that troubles me, just like I was doing in Escape Room and not keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself. I was indeed able to do this in Escape Room and it went quite wonderful, however in a real situation, I would never be able to talk to people in front of their face. And this is an issue, I've referred to in all previous chapters. Remember that I've never talked to anyone to their face, nor did I swear on them. And if I did, I would afterwards feel like a fish out of water.
The other thing is that, by only writing my wishes, I was nothing but static. I would never achieve anything, as there was no reason to do that. And probably that was the reason why I felt I had no balance anymore. Exactly because I would never make my dreams come true. I knew that those dialogues made me get out everything I was feeling inside, so after that, I was feeling completely empty. That's why I had started reconsidering what we were told in University about the relationship between the author and their heroes. In my own case, the heroine was me. One can tell I was writing my own diary or my own autobiography. And this story I've been writing now has no big difference from my previous works. You could say that its only difference is the fact that I use the real names of the characters.
****************************
Our seventh album was met with such a failure, that there was no point in promoting it with a tour. Whatsoever, we weren't ready to go on the road yet, due to my mental health. I had even stopped playing in the theatre. Also, in June, Scott was the next member, who announced their departure from the band. Before we got the chance, though, to grouse about the second loss after Dina, Bryan told us he had a friend, who was playing uilleann pipes, tin whistles and flute. She was also playing synthesizers and was singing.
"Bear her in mind for the time we'll have to go to the studio", I said. If this girl agreed to join the band, she would solve our problem. But what would happen with Uaithnia? Who was going to play the pipes? And I didn't either want to let an, then, unknown girl join such a personal project of mine.
Furthermore, that June, Dina released her first solo record, which I instantly bought. The language was Norwegian and the music completely acoustic. Yes, I knew that style. I can remember Dina's compositions in the band. Afterwards, a small tour followed in Norway. What's more, I went to Dina's show in Fjellhallen, Kirkenes gym. It was the first time, after a whole year, that I sneaked out of my house, in order to attend a public event. I also encountered many people from Bjørnevatn, my home village, where I was living, however, I was so embarrassed to meet them after a whole year. Anyway, Dina performed with Marko and was also playing acoustic guitar. I felt really emotional when she said on stage: "A big hand for my friend, Ingrid, who is in the audience tonight" and even more emotional, when she performed Riders of Night as well as Once Upon a Time in Autumn in the end. It truly felt completely different to be in the audience and see your old singer do her own compositions, let alone songs that you yourself had written while being in deep emotional unrest.
While listening to those songs, I started to realise that I had gradually distanced myself from such situations. I had started to get past those feelings and when looking myself in the mirror, I had started to see Ingrid's face and not what I would describe in Riders of Night, Once Upon a Time in Autumn and similar depressing songs. After Dina's show, the three of us went out for dinner. While being at the restaurant, Dina told me: "I have two good news. Well, we have". She looked at Marko and giggled. Then, I thought that they are getting married and Dina is pregnant, but I didn't dare to ask anything, because in case neither of the two was happening, my question would be really uncomfortable for the couple.
"Oh, tell me", I answered.
Dina showed me her left hand. "We are getting married!".
"Really?", I said in enthusiasm. "When?".
"In two weeks".
"So quickly?", I asked.
"Yes, because we're moving to another place".
"Where to?", I exclaimed.
"That's the second news".
"What do you mean?".
She smiled and whispered: "Ingrid, I was accepted in Broadway".
I almost choked on my food and screamed: "Wow! Really?".
"Yes! I'm so excited!!".
"Me too!", I exclaimed. "So, you're moving to New York".
"In a month we will have moved there".
"Awesome!", I said. But...if they were moving to the States, when would I ever see Dina again? As if she had read my thoughts, she hugged me and said: "I'll miss you".
"I'll miss you too. But....we'll be in contact, right?".
"All the time! And I promise. I will always have time for you".
I felt so emotional, that I wanted to cry, so I also hugged her tight. I thought, Say it now. It's your chance. Like a miracle, I burst out of my mouth these words: "Dina, you are my best friend. Nobody has ever supported me the way you did".
She smiled. "You know that I will always stand by you. And I'm so glad to see you better and your health improving. I know that now I can leave, being aware that things are turning for the best".
Dina and Marko got married on the 15th of June, 2022 and the wedding took place at the town hall of South Varanger, in Kirkenes. Five days later they set off to New York. In early July 2022, our last meeting with Escape Room took place. Hanna could say that we were ready to move on with our lives and find ourselves. Now, all of us were away from that phase, in which we were, when we had first joined the group, as we wanted to kill ourselves back then. However, this summer, we had to shoot a video, in which we would talk about ourselves. In this, we would talk about anything we were saying in Escape Room. Our deadline was until September. I didn't want to be the first to make the video, that's why I was expecting to see the video of another girl, first.
Natali, the girl, who had lost her daughter, was the first to make a video. I watched it in segments, as I couldn't stand watching it from the beginning to its end in a single day. She started showing her family and how she would spend time with them. Then, her family spoke about Natali. In the second part, Natali was talking about the way she grew up. I watched the third part with Jesikka. And the sole reason was that Jesikka happened to be passing in front of the screen, while I was watching the video, so she sat next to me. This was the most important part, as Natali was talking about the reasons why she joined Escape Room. She was talking about her negative feelings, her daughter, her self-esteem etc.
"Very upseting video", Jesikka said.
"All girls have to do something like that", I answered.
"What about you?".
"I see no other choice".
Until mid-August, I had watched the videos of two more girls. The other three weren't made yet: mine one, Anette's and Kirsten's. Ultimately, on the 10th of August, I also decided to shoot my video, telling the whole truth. Even though I talked about my parents, mentioning that I was so inspired by the fact that they were both excellent actors, I refused to show my family on camera, in contrast with what the other girls did. My family was a completely personal issue and I had to set a boundary there for everybody. However, I showed my whole lifestyle, about the way I was composing music or writing stories. I showed myself playing the piano, working in the garden, playing video games and in general, everything that was part of my daily routine. Later on, I talked about all my problems and the fact that my self-esteem and my perfectionism had made me try to commit suicide. And in the end, I referred to a subject, which I had never talked about before in sessions and I talked about it for the first time on the video. I'm referring to the fact that I was tripping without drugs, as Jesikka would say. And after the latter confession, the video would come to an end.
In September 2022, when the videos of the other girls were shot too, I took mine and uploaded it on YouTube. Thus, I knew that there was nothing I could hide from people anymore and that I was only telling the truth
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