Lydia had asked us to create this common bank account, but after some
point I felt that she would really call the shots, concerning what we
were spending. It seemed to me that Lydia and Lars had some kind of
avarice, which was really dangerous.
The tour for Arborial Language started in June 2020. It would last until April 2021. The tour went smoothly for some months. We weren't performing constantly, but we were also having short breaks, in order to be with our families as well. Of course, the reason why I say that the tour went smoothly was that in fact off stage Lydia wasn't interacting with us at all. Lydia was only singing backing vocals in the shows (not even lead vocals) and after that, we would never catch up with her. She wouldn't stay at the same hotel with us, wouldn't catch the same flights with us, nor in the tour bus, but Lars and she would join us separately from us. We would meet them only during the soundcheck and the show. We would never ask her to join us for a drink because we knew she wouldn't. She didn't want us anymore. She was using us so that she could boast that she was singing in Alexandria. Such was her self-esteem.
Things were like that for a few months. However, everything changed completely since October 23rd, 2020. The shit hit the fan for me, temporarily, because I had the greatest scar of my life. And I refer to an incident, which most people don't know and I have never talked to anyone about it because it has been so painful to me, that I have buried it deep inside. 2020 was the year that I ever in my life got pregnant. And this is what happened. Michalis and I kept on having our relationship, which sometimes used to include a lot of violence. However, not only wouldn't I leave, because I was afraid of loneliness, but when he proposed to me, I accepted it. Fortunately, marriage is something that had never happened. In mid-September 2020, I returned to Ireland for a few days, because there were no shows for a while I went to stay with Michalis in Limerick. However, a month later I realised I was pregnant. In the beginning, I was extremely frightened, as I was only 24 years old and it was impossible for me to become a mother at such a young age. So, I considered it wise to talk to Michalis, because he could support me.
But I was bluffing. When I told Michalis that I was pregnant, he was taken aback and told me in an obvious hostility: "Ingrid, are you serious? How could you get knocked up at such a young age? How will you be able to raise a child now, can you tell me?".
"Hey, you know I didn't do the whole business all by myself. You're also responsible for that. Ok?", I replied fiercely.
"DON'T FUCKING RAISE YOUR VOICE!!!", he screamed and lifted his hand. I put my hands on my head in a defence position, because I was afraid that he would hit me. "Are you scared, little kitten?", he said sarcastically. "Alright, then. What do you expect me to do?", I said in a calm tone this time. "You know what you have to do. Everything can be made up". I looked at him puzzled. "Stop looking at me. Pack your stuff up and go quickly to the UK and if you think that the surgery costs a lot of money, use a hanger or a hook. You won't be the first woman to do this", he said laughing. I started walking outdoors, but he added. "Listen up. There are some women who have also used broomsticks. It's so funny, isn't it?". Then he started laughing even louder and I have to admit that the reminiscence of his ironic laughter still haunts me.
Yes, my dear. Anyone would agree that this is something to laugh about. Forcing a woman to abort her baby, even though she doesn't want to. And if she doesn't obey, then you are allowed to force her to put a hanger, a hook or even a broomstick on her vagina, so that the whole job is done costlessly. And in case a woman says that this is equivalent to rape, then everybody tells her that she's one of these idiot trendy feminists. Nothing but an idiot trendy feminist, when at the same time someone takes control over her own body. This is something really funny and everybody is allowed to make jokes about that. Isn't that right?
So, I got too frightened, because I didn't know what this good man would do, in case I refused to have an abortion. That's why, like a faithful puppy, I made an appointment with a doctor in Carlisle, UK, because it was close. I decided to catch the late train, at night, from Donegal. I was hoping that Michalis would take me there or at least come with me, but no such luck. I reached the hospital at 8 o'clock in the morning. I was sitting in the waiting room along with other women, of course much older than me. One of them asked me: "Why did you decide to do this at such a young age, darling? Oh, you should both be careful of those things". I said nothing but only forced a smile.
All this time that I was sitting in the waiting room, I was thinking
over everything that had happened. How could I trust such a person? It
seems like a joke that he asked me to marry him. No way! He should go
fuck himself and I would never EVER marry such a person. It was my own
mistake that I trusted him right from the beginning and after that
incident, I realised that everything I was previously feeling about him,
had now collapsed. The fact that he forced me to have an abortion,
threatening me about the consequences, in case I refused to, wouldn't
end up here. He wouldn't EVER see me again, nor in his wildest dreams.
And I would never ever forgive him, not even if he would come back,
beseeching me on his feet. I would throw him out of my life.
My thoughts were interrupted by a female voice, who opened the door and said out loud: "Sorensen?". I sprang up and when she saw me, she smiled. I smiled too and walked inside unwillingly, dragging my feet. I don't know how much time this surgery lasted and I don't even remember, and I don't want to remember any detail, of course. I was anyway drugged, so I can remember neither the way I slept nor even the way I woke up. But then, I returned to Ireland again by train, feeling completely numb.
I headed straight to Michalis' place to pack up my things because I wanted to get the hell out of that place and go home to Donegal. When he saw me, he didn't even greet me, didn't even turn to look at me, but said coldly: "Did you remove that thing from your belly?". Then, I turned to him and hissed: "Fuck off", in the same sense that I told Lydia at the bus stop, and this time I wasn't scared at all. He was only gazing at me like an idiot, without saying a thing. So, I took every last thing I had left in that place and without turning to look at him, as he did before, I told him: "Don't you ever dare to call me again". "Ingrid, wait", he said and rushed behind me. But I got in the car and left, no matter if I was suffering from severe pains.
I didn't say a word to anybody about the pregnancy or the abortion.
Nobody ever learnt anything, neither my parents nor even Johanna. But
when the tour went on, I told the others, I had broken up with Michalis.
And when they asked me about the reason, I just replied: "The age
difference was huge". That's why I never told anything to anybody. But
every October 23, I celebrate the death anniversary of my potential
child.
In the end, Lydia met me outside the venue we performed, without the others' presence. I told her calmly: "Do you have something against us? Why are you avoiding us?". Then, she gave me a scornful look and said to me: "You won't tell me what to do, Meisterin". And then, she walked away.
Had we met the previous day, I'd get totally pissed and talk to Bryan. However, Lydia was a person I'd known since High School. Dina, Lydia and I were like sisters from a very young age. Now what had I done to her and she was behaving like that? And exactly because we had that deep friendship, I couldn't complain to the others about her behaviour. It felt like betraying her and accusing of her in others. But why was she behaving so badly to me? Why didn't she even talk to me for about a year? Well, not only just to me, but none of us even. And whatsoever, hadn't the others noticed any weird behaviour?
In the end, I tried to approach Lydia again. But the only thing I achieved was that she started yelling at me and said: "You're favouring Dina more than me!" "What do you mean?", I asked.
"You're doing anything you want and you don't let me sing lead vocals". Then, I felt she was too unfair and replied to her:
"And who I am to define who is going to sing what? We all sing our songs in this band. You don't even compose any song! How on earth could I adapt other people's song in your own voice? Discuss it with Dina and arrange which song is going to be sung by whom. Why should I be the one to always have the final word in this band?"
"Because you want to be the boss and control everyone in here".
Great! I've heard it all now. "Alright, Lydia", I said. "If you want to decide on everything, let it be so. Then, I will do anything that you like. Ok? Are you satisfied now?" Lydia smiled.
I didn't advise the others prior to a show again. I let the others do whatever they wanted. A month later, in February, Dina said to me: "Hey, what's the matter? Why are you off?"
Then I replied: "Lydia said to me that I only want to be the boss. So I decided I wouldn't ever make any decisions again. I'll have you eat cake! And if Lydia wants to be the boss, let her be".
"No, no Ingrid", she said to me. "Don't do that".
"Why?", I replied. "So that I can be unfair to you? I'm not joking. I'll have you eat cake. I shall be composing my songs, play my instrument and sing at times".
"Ingrid, if you let Lydia do, as she pleases, the band will be split".
"Oh come on. This is what you told me four years ago. I won't bite now".
"Do as you please, but if this leads us to destruction..." She stopped.
"Say it!", I said. "It is going to be my fault, ain't it?"
"This is not what I said. Just, listen to me".
I didn't listen to Dina and I paid for that. Lydia had calculated that blackmailing me, I'd let her do what she wanted. Since February the band was in chaos.
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