I have noticed that the autumn, far from the fact that it has been my favourite season, is this period, when I have been always met with very positive changes. This doesn't mean anything, anyway, and I don't even believe there's a divine conspiracy towards me. I don't think that the universe actually cares about what I've been doing. However, in the past, it was September when major changes would happen. Also, don't forget that I decided to move to Ireland some autumn night and, of course, when I went through that major crisis concerning my band, a few years ago, I eventually changed my mind in the autumn and decided to start things anew.
So, in September 2022, my mental health was greatly improved. Then, I was already feeling ready to start working again. I had decided that in 2023 I would go to Ireland just for a holiday, but I would never live there again. Since that time, Kirkenes would be my home. And, of course, I had to move to a new house, because it was impossible for a 26-year-old girl to live opposite her parents. In fact, the latter had to happen immediately. My parents had this old-school actors attitude, in the sense that they were residing in the village for their whole life, but they also had to be easy-to-talk-to guys. There was a freeway entrance in their house and their door was always open, so people would constantly come and go. Until that time, I used to be like that too and I used to let people, especially locals, come to my place, thus my own door was open too. Even on our own website, there was my phone number as well as my home address! Lately, though, I would sometimes be annoyed by people's constant visits, because I needed peace and privacy. I don't have any problem, if people come to my place, however, please, give me a call beforehand and inform me about your visit. Don't appear suddenly in my backyard, calling me, because then I have to give up my work in the garden or writing. Thank you! The girls, of course, were an exception, because I knew they would be here every evening.
As for those, who wondered about the reasons why I stopped being so approachable to people, there was a specific reason. After the lawsuit, everybody in the village had learnt about what had happened, thus the number of people, who were first visiting me, had suddenly become ten times larger and they all had a single aim: to become informed in more details about an issue, which, as I have mentioned before, exploded, exactly because a law issue cannot be solved through talking. And in the end, I was to blame for! The lawsuit issue had, thus, become a federal case and locals couldn't (and didn't want) to believe that their girl was in such big trouble, so they wouldn't stay out of my face. I wanted everybody to stop dealing with that issue, because, for my part, it cost me a lot; not only in terms of time but also in my mental health too. For a whole year, I was on and off to hospitals, because I couldn't realise why all this was happening. I was feeling as if I was harshly punched in my nose and hearing people asking me about this issue was reopening my wound. And this wound didn't only have to do with the fact that I was forced to sue my, once, best friend, but also with the fact that people were pointing their finger at me, saying it's your own fault as if this was something I had created alone. I have to say again that the lawsuit idea was not mine and if we examine this in-depth, the rest of the guys were pressuring me to decide on things I didn't want to, only because otherwise we would be totally destroyed. Thus, asking a deeply hurt person about what happened one year ago, is nothing but a nerve-hacking war. And the worst nerve-hacking war was the fact that I was asked, whether I had regretted the fact that I also formed a lawsuit, accusing those unspeakable people about even worse things and demanding my money back.
No! I hadn't regretted it at all. Not at all! As one makes their bed, so they must lie on it. And even though, I don't believe in any divine justice, I am deeply sure that vagabonds, in the end, bite the dust and a victim will get justice. For years, I used to be the victim, as I was abused verbally so harshly by our beloved singer plus she also tried to lure me into following illegal means, which is one of the reasons why I was feeling so bad about myself. After that, it took a whole year until I could eventually reach out of my house and it's not only my mental health to blame for it. Even if I were healthy, I couldn't meet anyone, because everybody, who would meet me, would swear on me, just like the messages I received after the incident. Consequently, I had to find justice somehow, to get my own back. I had to fight the fire, lighting a larger fire. The sadist wasn't me, as many people said, but the ones who started the fight. Yes, Lydia and I were constantly in each other's throats, but people can't really know what has caused all this. People weren't present and can't be aware of personal details, which of course, back then, I didn't want to talk about, exactly because it was nobody's business to know what problems I had with Lydia and Lars. So, you are not allowed to ask me if I have reconsidered the fact that I replied by a lawsuit and public accusations, since she lit a fire first, as she herself stole a million and a half euros.
Except for what was happening, one more incident made me become forced to shut my door. At the beginning of September, Ingmar called me and asked me for a favour:
"I need to go on a tour with Raglan Hundred in three months. I can't take Anna with me".
"Don't worry", I replied. "We can stay together at my place".
"Can you take her to Kirkenes?".
"Of course, although....I'm considering moving to a larger house soon".
"Are you leaving Kirkenes?", he asked.
"Not even kidding!", I exclaimed. "It's only that, in fact, I am living in a house, which my parents have offered to me and..."
"I understand", he said giggling. "You want to move to your own place".
"Exactly. And I'm afraid that Anna will have a hard time during the moving".
"I don't think so", he said. "She'll help you too".
What kind of help could a six-year-old child provide to a move? Furthermore, I had a lot of work to do, as my house wasn't built yet. I was glad that I would spend three months alone with Anna. However, how should I treat her? As long as Ingmar and I were a couple and Anna his daughter...I had to treat her as if she were my own daughter too, and not just a child I was taking care of, like a babysitter. Could I really do this?
A few days later, Ingmar came home with Anna. My parents hadn't known him at all, thus it was then when they met for the first time. It goes without saying that I didn't go to my parents' house along with Ingmar and Anna, because it was always full of people and who knows what they would start saying afterwards. I didn't have any problem with the fact that Ingmar had a child, however, this issue was a great taboo in a village. Locals had known me since I was born, and if they leant about Anna, they would chase me around from dawn to dusk. This was an extra reason, after the lawsuit, why people should mess around with me! Therefore, I told Ingmar we should be aware of our actions and be really discreet because in this village (as well as in every village) gossiping was a big issue.
Ingmar spent the night at my place "It's a shame you're leaving", he said. "This is a nice house".
"I'm moving to a better one. And the three of us will live there", I replied.
The rest of the days went smoothly. Indeed, Ingmar was right and Anna always wanted to help. People weren't coming to my backyard anymore until we went to the supermarket. At some point, Anna and I went to the supermarket, so I could buy some things for the child and one local from Bjørnevatn saw us. After greeting me, he said: "I didn't know you had a daughter". After this fact, I bought anything I needed as fast as could and Anna and I left the supermarket as quickly as possible. Since that time, the whole hullabaloo started. People used to visit my parents and seeing that my own door was slightly open too, they used to pop their head in and say: "Shall I enter?". I would politely send them off, telling them I was too busy and that I was waiting for Sofia and Jesikka. Other times, they would see me working in the garden and they would stand next to me. I wouldn't pay any attention to them, as if they weren't there at all, but they were so persistent to learn, that they would start making indiscreet questions, like: Did you get married? When did you have a child? or How old is the youngster? etc. In the end, I got so pissed that not only was my door completely shut, but I also had a short discussion with my parents. I privately told my mother: "I'm moving to a new house in a while. I don't give a damn if your door is open to everyone. I have my own privacy and you know that, since Lydia's lawsuit, everybody messes up with me all the time. Nobody will ever enter my house again unless I say it. Are we clear?" My mum, of course, had the same opinion and believed I was right, however, what could she do, when other people were so rude and indiscreet? Anyway, I think she talked to the locals because nobody ever bothered me again.
Soon, my new house started to become built. Its location was very important to me. I didn't want to keep on living in Bjørnevatn, the village where my parents are living. I wasn't bothered at all by that village. If anything, I had been living there, since I was twelve and I knew every local, at least, in the region where my parents' house was located. Of course, literally speaking, you can't know two and a half thousand people personally, that is Bjørnevatn's total population. So, I wanted to live in a place, literally in the middle of nowhere, but not away from any signs of life. That's why I returned to my roots. I moved to Jakobsnes village, which was 16 kilometres away from my parents' house and the centre. For those who don't know, Jakobsnes is the village in which Kongsgambukta bay is located, the place I was born in and lived during the first six years of my life. My memories, though faint, remained vivid and this place had always remained in my heart. Thus, I was always considering that, if I ever build my own house in Kirkenes, then I'll choose Jakobsnes, not only because of reviving my memory but also because it's a village of 270 people. Bjornevatn's population was ten times bigger!
If you noticed, I wrote about if I ever build my own house and not if I ever have my house built. And there's a special reason for that. Starting from the beginning, I have to say that the architect was an old classmate of mine, while the builder is a distant cousin. However, for everything that happens in my house, I always like to stick my nose. That's why, except for my cousin, I was also building with my bare hands, as weird as it might sound. It was rather hard and time-consuming work, however, after some time the house was ready. It was a three-storey house, more than 400 square metres and it wan't easy to find it at all. That's why I was rubbing my hands with pleasure. It wasn't located in the street, like my parents' house. I've also mentioned before that it was built within urban design, but outside of a community and it really looked like an enormous Norwegian summer cottage or hut (a hytte). It was located on the edge of an unknown dirt road and behind the house, you could see the forest as well as Tennvatnet lake. It was the best place to live. Nobody could bother me there.
At the end of September, I had moved, also taking Anna with me. Jesikka and Sofia were the ones who helped me with the transportation of all my stuff. I also needed to carry my piano and any paintings, trinkets and presents people had made me all these years, in my new house. Who knows where I would stuff all these things into?! However, as the house was large enough, I would probably have an extra room for all these. After the move, I told the girls that they could still visit me, whenever they want. However, things suddenly turned too official. I mean that they would never bump suddenly into my door, but they would always inform me prior to their visit, even though they were some of the very few people who knew my new address. They respected my wish to leave me alone with my daughter, but this seemed really strange to me. I didn't say anything, as I would also enjoy this kind of solidarity far from people's eyes and furthermore I didn't have so much time for this ol' carefreeness, as I was now taking care of a child. However, I felt that all of us had suddenly grown older and it was high time we made our own families. Whatsoever, I was 26 years old and the girls were already 30!!!
On the other hand, when I moved to my new house, I became much more active, as far as handwork is concerned. While before, I used to spend hours and hours before the PlayStation or writing books and songs, now I had started to make things with my hands. Probably, building my house was motivational for me so I wouldn't be resting on my laurels. The girls were visiting me and....we were living as if we were teenage girls!! We were cooking all the time and we were eating, so that we were completely full and after some point, we all realised we had put some weight on. My weakness was spaghetti with tomato sauce as well as Carelian pies. Indeed, only the Finns who lived in the village could make delicious pies and it seemed really strange to them that I, though a Norwegian, knew how to make these. Moreover, the girls and I liked making weird hairstyles to each other or wearing such bizarre eye makeup, as if it were Halloween. But we didn't care. Madness was in our blood and we wanted to see the rainbow after the storm that had come upon all of us during the previous year.
Also, the girls really loved Anna. Back then, the little kid loved drawing and doing anything related to design. Most little children love drawing because it enhances their imagination and of course it helps them express their inner world, as they cannot achieve that through writing yet. However, since a very young age, Anna had a special talent for drawing, which her father hadn't noticed until then. But when Jesikka did, she brought her a painting book, in which she had to put the correct colours, as well as a jigsaw consisting of a thousand pieces. Anna was really excited about Jesikka's presents. We agreed together that she wouldn't be drawing more than one picture a day so that her book would last long and wouldn't finish immediately. We placed the puzzle on the great carpet in the living room and the youngster was making it step by step. Every time I saw her sitting there, my heart was full of joy.
During the time, when Ingmar was on the road, Anna and I created a strong bond with each other. I actually remember one morning, when I woke up at 11 o'clock in the morning and still with my pyjamas on, I walked to the kitchen, only to find Anna drinking milk, eating cereals.
"Good morning, youngster", I said. "I see that you made breakfast by yourself".
"Yeah", she told me. "These corn flakes are delicious. Dad used to buy the same in Lakselv".
I smiled. "Do you miss life in Lakselv?".
"Not at all! I'm so happy that daddy found me a new mum".
I froze up. Was the new mum....me??
"Anna, what are you talking about? No single woman can ever be your real mum".
"She's not my mum", she said and I saw a bizzare strictness for a child in her eyes. "She's dead".
"Yes, but this doesn't mean that she didn't give birth to you. Your real mum is her".
"Ingrid, I don't remember her. And she didn't love me".
"Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. Every mum loves her child, that's why I'm sure that she also...."
"She didn't love me! I know!", she yelled. "She killed herself!".
I sprang up. "W-who said this to...to....you?", I stuttered. "That....that....she killed herself?".
"Grandma", she said. "Mum's mum".
Christ, what kind of people do exist in this world? How could one put in a child's head that their mother killed herself? You can't tell such a thing to a child, even if it's true. Why make a child hate their mother?
"If she loved me, she wouldn't have killed herself", she added.
I didn't reply, because I was so shocked by what I heard. But then she went on: "Ingrid, I want a new mum. Don't ever break up with dad". Then the child started sobbing.
"Hey, hey, come here", I said and held her tight in my arms. "Don't cry. I love dad, as I love you too. You don't need to be upset, alright? The three of us will live happily, because we are a family".
She sniffed her nose: "Do you really love dad?".
Did I really love Ingmar??? Since I saw this man in the hospital for the first time, that afternoon, my heart started beating like an orchestra drum. I adored this man. To a great extent, he saved my mental health, because he made me smile after years. Years had passed until I stopped having these shitty, dark feelings and he made me break the stalemate. For him, there was no dead end, but everything was a decision, a goal, a wave, in a PlayStation video game, as he has always told me all these years, which you had to achieve, in order to move to the next level. If you set a goal, you can achieve it only by trying. Nothing is difficult, if you are decisive to make your dream come true. Such a person is Ingmar. Such a person, that if you ever fail, he goes Never mind, baby, we'll try again, meaning that he would try along with you. He never let me work on something hard by myself. He was always next to me, either encouraging me or working along with me. That's why, when he learnt that I had built the house all alone along with the builders, he was so upset for not being next to me and help. Of course, I couldn't tell Anna all my feelings about her father. However, I managed to reply: "I'll be loving your dad, until I close my eyes. And you shall know that you have the best dad in the world".
"Mum didn't love him", he said.
I sighed. "I don't care, my love. I do", I said. What kind of pricks could fill the child's heart with such hatred about her mother? I believe that her mother was an unfortunate girl, who reached a dead end due to her depression. You can't blame a dead person --to start with, it's immoral because a dead person can't defend themselves--, let alone a girl, who reached a point in killing herself. I had also gone through that phase. I knew what it meant for you every time to be wishing you are dead soon while lying on the floor, counting the minutes when you will eventually stop breathing and your heart will stop beating. So for me, there was no jealousy issue towards Ingmar's ex-wife. And truth be told, I didn't even know this girl, so I cannot judge her at all. But, if grandma accused her daughter to the child, then I believe that Anna's mum had a really disrupted relationship with her mother and who knows if her depression and in the end her suicide had to do with this relationship. But anyway, to cut the story short, I'd like my children to grow up in a carefree, almost innocent, environment, exactly as I did. That is, I wouldn't like to lie to them about the facts, but not scare them either, by saying exaggerations and monstrous fables. Anyway, you must pay attention to what you say to a child, according to their age. I wouldn't like my children to grow up, living in a nightmare, full of scars, which they will not overcome by psychotherapy either. That's why I, and of course Ingmar, protected Anna from such toxic people, providing her with affection and care. And in such a way, Anna became my daughter.
Furthermore, since I moved to Jakobsnes, I started feeling completely free. And this is related to the fact that nobody knew where I was living, nor could they ever watch me. I could do literally anything I wanted, without caring about other people's comments. All this time, I was trying to find my true self, I was trying to be carefree, but at the same time an active person. So, one day Anna and I would spend time together sitting on the carpet, wearing our pyjamas all day long, building her jigsaw puzzle and telling stories. The other day, though, we would be out in the garden or we would be building some furniture for our new house. Thus, I had started putting my life into order, in contrast to the chaos I was living in back in Ireland. And this is something I greatly owe to the advice as well as the playful games about work-life balance that Ingmar and I had invented together.
No comments:
Post a Comment