37. LOSING ANY CONTROL

 

Instantly after the lawsuit, Dina said to me: "After such a betrayal, I can't stay in the band any longer. I hope you understand".

"So we're splitting up", I said.

"I don't want you to split up. But if I stay in the band, I won't be mentally healthy. We are not able to look at each other right in the eyes anymore. Can't you see?"

Of course, I could see. And it hurt me so much. I didn't know if we were splitting up or not, but what I knew for sure was that for the time being I wasn't healthy at all, in order to keep on doing anything related to the band.

My parents had left on a tour so this meant that I was completely on my own. Then, I was in deep depression. I had lost any sense of time and I was sleeping outrageously many hours. I had been eating only a little and as a result, I had started losing a lot of weight and I might have been sleeping for 15-17 hours per day. I just felt I didn't want to get up from bed because I didn't have anything important to do. And furthermore, my sorrow was so deep, that I preferred to sleep, rather than keep on crying. Whatsoever, tears, at some point, would dry.

And after the phase of constant sleeping, I went on with the phase, where I had locked myself in the house, playing video games. I was spending hours and hours upon them and quite often I would feel like a fifteen-year-old kid, which is addicted to PlayStation. Only that in my own case, this long-hour engagement with video games was not this kind of addiction. I could be wasting time like that on any activity. That was an escape from reality. That's the only name I can give to that. And the reason why I was doing this was, as I've mentioned elsewhere too because I wanted to delete a few hours of the day and skip time. That means, that I was active only for a few hours within a day. During the rest of the time, I wished to be absent, as if I were dead. Thus, I could achieve that in the beginning by sleeping long hours and then by playing video games.

When not playing video games, I would drive twice or thrice every day towards Grense Jakobselv, gazing at the sea for hours. Thus I wouldn't be thinking of anything at all. There was a specific spot in that place, where you could have a view of the sea. The sea would make me calm down and would give me a feeling of satisfaction. It seemed to me as if the sea would stop time, exactly because it was vast and it made you have your eyes upon the water. And in such a dark time, I needed its calmness.

After going through that phase too, I ended up locking myself at home and once again playing video games or watching The Hours, a movie, in which Nicole Kidman was starring as Virginia Woolf. For some reason, I could really identify myself with Virginia Woolf in the movie, as long as she was my favourite author because I was feeling that everything I was doing was in vain, that everybody would decide about me and only death could save me. In 2020, I felt there was still hope. But now, everything was vain for me. In my mind, there was no sign of solace anymore and I had truly lost control. Since November, I would only let days pass one after the other, having locked all doors, without opening to anyone nor picking up the phone. Only late at night, I would go out to buy cigarettes. I didn't want to put any alcohol in my mouth, because I didn't want to lose control even more and whatsoever I had other ways to escape from reality. Hopefully, my parents were not at home, otherwise, they wouldn't let me become so depressive. However, this is what my heart was longing for. To lose completely any control of my emotions and end up harming even my own self.

Even though I had completely left my book aside, I had been composing music. I used to compose trance and psychedelic pieces on my Moogling and some other bizarre synthesizers that I used to have. It was this kind of music that my soul for years had been longing to compose. I felt hypnotised and thus wouldn't be reminded of everything that I had been suffering from. On the other hand, a person like me who had always been strong and decisive against difficulties, like a true Norwegian,  was now left to her own fate. 

On Christmas, mum and dad called me to wish me Merry Christmas. They suggested I'd better not spend Christmas all alone, as long as I had no partner, but visit my aunt. They hadn't known anything about my mental state and of course, I didn't reveal what was going on with me. They announced to me that their tour would last until the next year. And when they asked me if I was fine, I lied to them that I was feeling much better and that I had even started composing Alexandria's following album. Alright, that wasn't a total lie. I had been composing some kind of music.

It’s my tradition to be extremely happy on Christmas and this time I also tried to pretend just for the sake of it. I went to Kati's place, who was astonished to see me, because she thought I wasn’t home all this time, as everything was locked up and too dark. I had always been at home, but alone, and I told her I needed some time to write my book. Kati noticed something was happening and I reassured her that nothing is wrong and that all I need is some peace for myself. And I pleaded with her not to worry my parents. I don’t want people only to take care of me. Alas!!

Since the beginning of the year and thereafter, I completely lost track of anything. I once again started sleeping for numberless hours and I had even bought sleeping pills, so they could help me in falling asleep. Every night I would cry without a pause, even though there was no specific reason. I had become very thin and almost anorexic. However, one night I stopped crying. Then, I completely lost control and my mind stopped working. And the only thing I could listen to was only what I had been feeling. I locked myself in the bathroom and, exactly like every night after crying my heart out, I was about to take a sleeping pill. But that time, I forgot and neglected the promise I'd given a few years before and I swallowed all the pills that the box contained. And after that, I tried to fall asleep, at last wishing and waiting for me to die.

I can clearly remember what I had been feeling during the whole night. I was expecting the time when I wouldn't wake up. I was lying on my stomach, feeling my heartbeat and my breath, both functioning in the speed of light. This inhale-exhale thing along with my heart, which was beating like a drum, still haunt me. For a single reason. Because of these anxious moments, when I was thinking that my heartbeat was slowing down more and more until it would completely stop beating. But this never happened. I woke up the following morning normally and I noticed that the time was six and I was all alive, although I was feeling stoned. No, I wasn't dead. And that's why I was cursing myself because I was once again useless. I couldn't even make it and die.

I spent the rest of the day vomiting until late at night. I refused to go to the doctor, because...what would I say? That I wanted to put an end to my life? That I was doing everything so shit, that I didn't want to keep on living anymore? I would be put in a psych ward and everybody would know that Ingrid Sorensen is suffering a mental breakdown. But I couldn't even try again to kill myself. Pills were destroying me and only watching them made me feel sick.

My disease and throwing up lasted two days. A week later, I was lying in bed sick again, because I had terrible stomach pain. I was constantly passing out and vomiting anything I was eating. Even though these were stomach flu symptoms, I was aware of the fact that this was caused by the pills. Then I hoped that my situation would lead to death. However, three days later, my physical health went back to normal, whereas my mental health would become even worse.

There was no self-esteem issue anymore. Now things had completely gotten out of hand. If my problem was still lying on self-esteem, as it once used to, I would cry over Dina's or even my sister's shoulder. And I know that Johanna would cry even more about her sister's messy situation. Why then should I make my most beloved people cry just for my own sake? I'd better disappear from this world. So, I wouldn't be able to see whether the others were getting upset about me.

Even though  I was, in general, a rather clean and tidy person, my house now resembled more like a rubbish dump. I was living in a place with unwashed dishes, dirty clothes everywhere, pills, papers with my writings, cables, bottles and lots of dust and filth. I'd thrown plastic bags here and there, in case I lost my mind again some night and decided to cause asphyxia to myself by tying a bag around my head. A month later, though, I decided to take more effective actions. One night, I had fallen on the floor, out of control, crying like a three-year-old baby. In the end, I once again found tranquillizers and sleeping pills and that time I used even more boxes. And then I remained still lying on the floor. After swallowing the pills, the feeling was the same as the previous time and I started feeling again my heartbeat and my breath. However, I wasn't in my bed this time. I was lying on my back down on the cold floor as if I were a homeless person, and I was feeling so weak and stoned, that I couldn't even move. I thought I would vomit during sleep and I would die of aspiration. However, I can remember myself waking up late at night and throwing up on the floor. I kept on throwing up until the morning, suffering severe stomach pain. My pain was so immense, that I wasn't thinking of my death anymore. At 6 o'clock in the morning, I dragged myself to the sofa with my belly lying down, where I grabbed my phone.

I called my sister, Johanna, who was half-awake and told me in terror:

"Ingrid, what's happened to you?"

"Johanna", I started saying. "I'm not feeling well....I took pills....". Johanna realised what I had done and she only said: "Wait and don't move. Only this, ok?".

Half an hour later, the door opened. I would never lock, even though I kept all windows and shutters closed. Then Dina and Eva came in, accompanied by Jesikka and Sofia as well, who were spending their summer holiday in Kirkenes. I couldn't say a word, as I was feeling as stoned as hell. However, the girls were trying to clean me up from vomit remainings and they carried me in Dina's car in a complete mess. They had obviously been informed about everything by Johanna. Nobody was talking to me during the car ride. At some point, I only heard Jesikka saying something like her parents are on a tour. And then I achieved to stutter: "Please....not my parents....". I didn't want my parents to become informed about anything, because I was so embarrassed by them to know that their daughter had just tried to kill herself. But I wasn't even able to talk. Whatsoever my memory is really faint. When we reached Kirkenes hospital, we encountered a huge queue of cars waiting before the hospital. Then Dina honked and she shouted in her familiar gritty attitude: "Get away, damn hell! This girl has taken pills!"

I was finally taken to the emergency room, where the nurses took some X-rays. I can remember some of them asking me whether there was any chance that I was pregnant. I managed to have a laugh because I thought that if there was a chance that I indeed was, after consuming those pills I would surely have had a miscarriage. Some of them asked me, why I did this, but I would avoid answering. If they really cared, they wouldn't insist on learning by asking all the time a woman, who is in such a terrible mess.

Later, I was probably drugged, because I woke up in a completely different place. When I saw the girls, I asked them: "Where am I?"

"In Alta's hospital", they said.

Had I been taken so far away?

"We called your parents and they'll be here in a while", Sofia said.

"They shouldn't know", I said in fear. "Why did you tell them?".

"Because you're their child, Ingrid".

"I'm so embarrassed", I said and closed my eyes. I was indeed feeling embarrassed. How would I look them right in the eye? What would I say to them? That every moment of my life, I wished to die? How could a child tell its parents that it wants to die?

I can remember some doctors coming into the room, placing two small tubes in my nostrils, which were reaching my stomach. It was disgusting and I felt as if someone was breaking my nose, even though I could sense no pain, but a terrible itch instead. However, as I was later informed, what doctors did was a gastrolavage. But did they do this without drugging me at all? Vomiting didn't stop and doctors said that a second pump insertion could be also needed. I had such a terrible fright, that I miraculously stopped vomiting and I instead fell asleep.

I woke up when I heard the chamber's door opening. And then I saw my parents. My mum remained completely patient and to my great surprise, neither was she crying nor did she seem to have freaked out. She knew how to keep herself together during hard times. I asked the girls to take a walk and that now I could be looked after by my parents. When they left, I whispered: "I'm so sorry". My mum replied: "We are the ones who should apologise. Had we known you were so depressed, we would have stayed close to you all this time. We just thought you wanted to be left alone on your own".

"Mum", I said, "I just..." and then tears started running down from my eyes. I hated that. Being forced to cry before my most beloved people. My mum hugged me and said: "Stay calm, my sweet girl. This is what happens, whenever you don't talk to others about what you feel".

I was in such a terrible condition, sobbing without a pause so that I asked my parents to leave me in peace. After they left and I managed to calm down a bit, the whole room remained silent. A teenage girl, lying on the next bed, though, started humming Riders of Night silently. I turned to look at her. She smiled at me and said: "Don't worry. I suffer from bipolar disorder. I've been in that place for exactly the same reason as you. I read the lawsuit paper and I never believed that you're such a shitty person. People who consider you to be a worthy artist can understand what your morals also are". I smiled and the young girl's words made me feel as if my heart were bleeding.

I did no other talking with that young girl. I spent most of the time sleeping because sleeping pills had done a great job. At some point, though, I woke up, because the door opened again. And then the ones who entered were Vivian, along with a man with long dark brown hair, a vintage brown shirt with buttons and a relatively big nose.

36. EMPTY THOUGHTS ON MY DIARY

 

After Lydia's lawsuit, I can't say I was the same person as before. I was feeling cruelty towards the world, a cynicism. I had a stable faith deep inside that the whole world is wicked and everybody will swallow me down. So, for two whole weeks, I would get out of the house only to visit some nearby kiosk. I was refusing to have any single contact with the outside world, while in the meantime I was keeping to myself, trying to think exactly what had happened in depth. Truly, for the first time ever, I felt I wanted to voice out loud anything that I was feeling, without any hidden allusions or without making up stories, where I was talking about my pains through a random heroine. I wanted to talk about me, about the real Ingrid person, to talk about the long-lost self. That's why the present chapter will only contain my own thoughts. My empty thoughts. It might feel like something like my own personal diary. I'd like it to be a bit more different than any other diary you've read. Whatsoever, all diaries I've kept, have this specific style: To start with, I have a completely ironic tone, when referring to myself and secondly, I wasn't referring to myself as I, but as you. This you person has a special meaning in Literature. I had read many books, in which the narrator was using a monologue, referring to their own self in the second person. During my Literature course at the university, we'd analysed many of these texts and this is what our professor told us: When a narrator uses you, referring back to themselves, this means that the narrator doesn't have a clear image of their own self, doesn't feel well about themself, or feels they have no self at all. In my own case, all of the three were true about me. Whatsoever, as I've already mentioned in previous chapters, I didn't have a name anymore. Even my closest friends wouldn't call me Ingrid anymore, but virtuosa, Meisterin, our composer etc. My mum herself would even call me sea-weary or a cinema soul. I wasn't bothered by those nicknames. Quite the contrary. I felt like I was getting more importance through these. But...was I of such importance? The importance of being admired by the world, as if you are Messiah, but you...you are not able to walk in the street, because you feel that you have become with no substance anymore?

Unfortunately, I can't use such a you narration in this chapter, because it's going to be completely irrelevant to the whole book.

This is what I've always written about in my diaries. I used to hide them in a drawer, so that nobody ever finds them, except the time when I would be dead. Only then would I be able to show the world anything I was feeling and who I really was. Only then would the whole world get to know who I was in fact, that I indeed was a human with a heart and that I wasn't an impersonal and cold-blooded machine who produces and is always hidden behind fifteen keys and cables. Furthermore, keeping a diary functioned also like a psychotherapy tool to me, because what I achieved through that was self-realisation. People who open up to their own therapists, quite often realise many things about themselves, whilst they start talking. This is what also happened to me. While starting writing, I would realise more and more about myself. Then I realised that my problems with getting dizzy and having a low hematocrit were completely interconnected with my mental state. I don't know if one thing resulted in the other, but surely this kind of chaotic life, or my chaotic routine, also had an impact on my physical state. I was very slim because I wasn't eating almost anything and I would walk from Kirkenes to Neiden (Näätämö) within two days, walking a 25-kilometre long distance. What I mean is that my body was burning calories quite easily, let alone the fact that I was 1.90 m tall. I wasn't anorexic at all, although my eating habits were completely imbalanced. Whatsoever, at nights in Kirkenes, my friends and I would get wasted, drinking two whole vodka bottles and some cocktails each person and most of the time Sofia, Jesikka and Eva would carry me home, because I'd passed out.

And of course, I refused to visit a doctor and get some medication. I realised there was a reason for that. I was punishing my own 'self' because I considered myself guilty for everything I was going through. That's why I needed a good lesson so I was harming my own body. I couldn't find any point in taking care of myself. I truly hated myself for existing, I was sure that nobody considered me to be a worthy person, but they keep me company because...who wouldn't like a musician as their best friend? But I knew. And that's why I hated myself and I believed I deserved to be passing out so suddenly because my sugar levels are low. I deserved to go through all this torture and suffering. Because it was ME the one who had chosen this chaotic life, so as long as each of us is responsible for ourselves, I should pay the price facing the consequences of my actions. And if I died alone, I wouldn't deserve it, if others ever found my carcass, just like in the case of some old people who die all alone in the snowy scarcely-populated villages of beautiful Lapland.

Furthermore, I also realised things about my heroines' nature. The style I used was, in fact, against every literary theory I was taught about. First theory, first course, first semester. In a literary work, the author should NEVER be identified with the narrator. In other words, this means that the person who writes is not their own hero, no matter if they have things in common. Regarding this a little bit deeper, though, I had noticed that this wasn't true in my own case. To start with, all of my books had a common pattern: a heroine (always a girl) in an older age reminisces her beautiful past and while she nowadays lives in a terrible reality, she ends up killing herself. You can clearly see that this girl was always me. I would reminisce about my past, that is the beautiful life I was leading until I left Kirkenes. And then, what I did was totally hate myself, that's why I was cursing at my heroines. Thus I felt I was disparaging and cursing at something I had created, or even my own self. And because I couldn't kill myself, I made my heroines do this, instead of me.

I used to write all these on my diaries, hoping they would help me get it all out. And this happened, but...with a consequence. Every time I was writing I would realise more and more things about me, which hurt a lot. I couldn't stand all that and I would break into tears. I realised that at the end of the day I was all alone because there was nobody around, so I could tell them how I felt. I only had a paper, in which I was writing some random thoughts. But the paper had no voice to reply to you. The paper was no real human to tell you I can feel with you, nor would it hug you to comfort you. It felt like talking to a wall. And even if I wanted to talk to someone...I just couldn't. I don't know if this was the case, because I was of such nature, or because I was Norwegian or anything else, but what I knew for sure was that I would only open my mouth if the shit had hit the fan or if Sofia and I were extremely wasted. And for me, this felt as if someone was constantly stabbing me with a knife.

35. LAWSUIT

When my parents saw me, they thought I just came to see them. I hadn't told them what had happened with Lydia, mainly because I didn't want to frighten them.

My mum said: "Look. In a week, your father and I are going on a tour. We are staging a new play and we're coming back in a few months".

"Good luck", I said disinterestedly. "I'm staying here for the whole summer or maybe more. I don't know yet".

I couldn't go anywhere now. I had to stay here and contact a lawyer, so we could form the lawsuit paper. My mum was looking at me worried. I turned to her and said desperately: "You do know how supportive I've been all these years. You know I'm the proudest daughter about anything you've done in theatre. But now...it's impossible for me to be on your tour. Mum, so many bad things have happened lately and I'm not able to talk about them now. The only thing I need to do is stay at home by myself and come up with a solution. I want to stay alone for as many months as needed".

Since I had the abortion, I was feeling very bad mainly towards myself. I hated myself for everything that had happened because it was my fault that I was doing one mistake after another, without considering the consequences. I was thinking I could do many things after that. And one of these was killing myself. So, when my parents left, I locked myself in the bathroom and started thinking. What would it feel like in case I just disappeared? I thought I had done so many mistakes, that I wasn't even worthy of being alive. I was long considering the possibility of just dying and I was trying to find all possible ways.

But after a while, I smacked myself and thought: "Another failure too?" That would be my greatest failure ever, I mean, taking away my own life. Even though I felt like being a total wrack, I told myself I would never do something like that. I could bring such pain neither to my parents, nor to my siblings, nor to my friends. I remember whispering in the dark I would never do that. I would always try to find hope.

Within June we managed to find Lydia. We then made it clear she wasn't going to be a member of the band anymore. I wasn't present in the conversation, because I couldn't face her at all. And because she wasn't even a popular person, fans didn't really seem to care, when we announced her dismissal. But I can't say that things were the same concerning people we already knew. Some friends of mine, mainly from Norway, were trying to figure out what the hell is happening with this band and they demanded we justify our behaviour towards Lydia. I replied to them that the answers would be given over the course of time.

I was hoping things wouldn't proceed further than just the dismissal and the only thing that would change was that we would just go on without Lydia. However, this money should be handed back to the band, even though it was extremely hard for me to sue my former bandmate and former best friend. I was in such a great dilemma because on the other hand I'd think fuck yeah, let's go and kick this motherfucker's ass and take our money back. On the other hand, I was in deep sorrow, because I could realise that the adversary was nobody else than my school friend. I was thinking Christ, what am I about to do?

I was the one to form the lawsuit paper along with the lawyer. While writing the paper, I felt I was living a nightmare. At times I'd come down with panic attacks, where I'd start screaming, shaking out of terror and thinking I was going to die. Were my parents present, they'd think I'd gone bonkers. And I actually started to think that I'm going mad. That time I couldn't even be apathetic. I couldn't pretend to stop feeling. And I hoped I could die. Whilst during the previous five years, the possibility of committing suicide still existed at the back of my mind and didn't dare to come out, now, every now and then, I'd fantasise along with that. What would it be like if I could die? During the whole summer, I was in a huge emotional crisis. I hoped I could be redeemed through this case.

October 17, 2021. That was the day when the court would take place. 6 days after the death anniversary of my potential child. Isn't that an irony? Lydia and Lars were in the case --they were obliged to, anyway-- and tried to defend themselves, speaking of us in the worst terms. Well, couldn't Lydia remember anything we'd gone through together during these twenty years? I can refer to everything Lydia said about us, in a nutshell.

"My first meeting with the band, Alexandria, took place in 2011 at the place of the aunt of the pianist and composer, Ingrid Sorensen. During that time, Ingrid's aunt, Kati Nikelova, was my piano teacher, thus Ingrid and I had already met each other at her aunt's home. I had just graduated from studying psychology and I had thought of starting working as a therapist. However, at that time, Ingrid insisted I joined her band, even though she had known me only for two days. My mother had passed away a few years before and my siblings weren't adults yet, so money at home was getting less. It was too hard for me to be a permanent member of the band, but I didn't either have the heart to leave, as Ingrid knew exactly how to make other people break with her alleged mysterious and cute presence. During that time, she even seemed as if she was facing problems with herself, due to her own self-esteem, so that anyone could feel pity for her. The rest of us would approach her, in order to make her talk, however she would often use a justification that she couldn't voice her feelings out loud. However, from the observer's side, I came up with the following question: If one is in such deep pain, then wouldn't their own self pressure them to lighten themselves by talking to some familiar, at least, person? As a psychologist and a person with a deep empathy to a fellow man, I approached Ingrid and told her we could have "unofficial" sessions. I hoped she would pay a small fee, but I got it completely wrong. After a while, her aunt suddenly announced to me that she couldn't be my piano teacher anymore. Thus, I was forced to ask Ingrid herself to start teaching me. It's quite obvious that I had the dignity not to accept paying for the lessons, as she wouldn't be paying me for our sessions.

During our lessons, Ingrid was a rather pressuring person, while she would often laugh at or mock my own mistakes. We would also fight, when my performance wasn't as perfect as she wanted it to be. In the end, just like her aunt, she abandoned me on the pretext of moving to another country, while she announced her decision to me a night before leaving. When I begged her to keep having lessons through Skype, she refused and told me I had better find another teacher. It is obvious that Kirkenes is such a small town, that hardly can you ever find a music teacher. Furthermore, we stopped having sessions, as she told me in her raw manner: 'You're also just like the others. I could never trust you.'

Until 2021, when I got sued by the band, Ingrid's behaviour against me was completely inhumane. She mainly used my voice in background vocals, while she was better treating Alexandria's other female vocalist, Dina Halvorsen, as she had a lyrical voice. She was also an authoritarian person, with a self-centered and a navel-gazer character. She had verbally forbidden anyone touch any of her own songs, so that the band seemed as if it were the result of a solo career, rather than a team. Very often, she used to mock me, calling me unable to compose my own songs, whereas, when I once dared to present my own composition to her -even my first one-, she laughed at it in such a cynical way and even said that only her own compositions can ever be perfect so that she made me feel I didn't deserve to be anything. I'd describe this as gaslighting and the need to conquer other people.

I was the only member of the band, which she had always retired herself from. In the van, during our tours, she would never talk to me, so I'd be spending all these months along with my husband, Lars. And I'm quite sure that Lars wasn't a great problem to Ingrid and she must have liked him a lot, as during summer 2018, she 'hit' on him.

During the years 2018-19, I had been a victim of frequent attacks from Ingrid, who was subtly setting traps on me. For example, she would often approach me, in order to tell me that sometimes she feels she is not doing things perfect. And when I would advise her either not press herself or try harder, she would reply in a hostile way: 'So, do you consider me to be useless?'. She once attacked me, when I dared advising her to give a priority to the band rather than her sister's projects. Our last fight took place at Kirkenes bus stop, when I complained to her, as I was informed about the fact that she 'hit' on my husband. Then, she herself started screaming at me, calling me a prostitute. Finally, during summer 2021, I received a lawsuit paper from Alexandria. Nobody had warned me against that, nor had I discussed anything with the others. This fact meant my total destruction, as, during all these 28 years that I have been alive, I wouldn't expect such cruel behaviour from my friends, especially Ingrid. I've been accused of stealing one and a half million euros. I am an honest person and how could I commit such a crime?'

I was speechless, freezing, by hearing all this. Everything was a lie. A TOTAL LIE! Quite the opposite was what had happened. Lydia was talking in such a neutral way so that she gets favoured by the judges. She was a very sly and sneak person. To start with, I never pressured anybody join my band, but Lydia instead was insisting, while I was too scared, as I had met her literally two nights before she asked me to join. Furthermore, Lydia was lying about her economic status. Let's not fool ourselves, but in Norway people don't ever have financial problems, except if they are immigrants, especially Lydia's family, as her father was an entrepreneur. Lydia and Lars used to spend their summer vacations in a villa in the Maldives. I wouldn't even do this, even though my parents were actors.

She should be ashamed of herself, even as a psychotherapist, if she considered me to fake being a desperate person with a low self-esteem, only because I needed people to feel pity against me. Only my heart knows what I'd been going through all these years and that there were even darker times when I was on a cutting edge and I was thinking of killing myself. A few years ago, Vivian's phone call had literally saved me, when I had locked myself in the bathroom, about to swallow ten boxes of tranquilizers. If I had killed myself back then, would she ever realise in what a mental state I was in or was she such a pig that she'd consider that I also did this because I asked for pity? Back then I swore to myself that I wouldn't ever harm myself again, even though I was still in pain. If Lydia is a real psychologist, she should know herself that silence hides a lot of pain behind. And the ones who kill themselves are most of the times these people who never talk, because they feel totally helpless. So when one can't open their fucking mouth and talk about their feelings, they don't do this in a whim, nor because they want to play the mysterious person. I grew up in a village of Norway, spending most hours of the day deep in myself. Most of the time, my parents were in a tour, my two siblings were more than ten years older, whereas my twin sister, Monica, was keeping to herself even more than me. There was no single person, who I could talk to, except for my dog. I have already mentioned in previous chapters that in order to cover the silence, I used to make up little scenarios in my mind. And these days, after growing up, I was looking forward on Wednesdays, when I would go to Harvest and there's where I would write down my scenarios, creating theatrical plays. That was the ultimate expression of escaping reality. Nobody said that I indeed liked that situation or that I enjoyed living lost inside my own microcosm. But I couldn't communicate with people, otherwise. Lydia was thinking that, once you go through a difficult time, you can go for a drink at night with your friend and talk your problem over. Well, that wasn't the case for me. It was impossible for me to just go and tell my friend that I'm having a hard time, except if I wasn't sober. There were times that I would talk, because Dina would force me to, because she could notice I wasn't feeling well, or whenever I had had a few drinks. I would only talk to Johanna sometimes, just because she was my eldest sister. That's why Lydia was killing me with her words that, all in all I was feeling totally fine and if things were that bad, I would have opened my mouth and have talked. And she had to be ashamed of herself to have spit out something like that, as long as she said she was a psychotherapist.

As far as her payment was concerned, my aunt was the one to ask me to start teaching Lydia the piano and as an exchange Lydia said we could have unofficial therapy sessions. She herself told me that nobody has to pay, but we could instead offer our services to each other. During lessons, I never treated her badly. I didn't anyway know how to behave in any cruel way, that's why most of the time people said I was too naive and innocent, because I would never take anything serious upon myself. Her performance was indeed really weak, while a great amount of time was lost because she was talking to me about irrelevant stuff. Nevertheless, I would always praise her or ask her politely to talk about other stuff in the end of the lesson. And I would always treat her porridge and fruits! When I was about to move to Ireland, I had warned her about that at least a month before that, apologising to her. She never talked to me about Skype lessons and if she had, I would have seriously taken this into account, no matter if piano lessons through Skype are practically impossible to happen. And surely one could easily find a music teacher in Kirkenes. She could go to the Academy, where I would also go when I was young. And as far as sessions were concerned, I've also referred before, the fact that Lydia told me You're just a lost case, when I confided in her that I'd reached the point of hating myself. I would never tell anyone to their face that I couldn't trust them, even if that was true.

It was true that Lydia's voice wasn't used that often in lead vocals. However, this isn't related to the fact that Dina had a lyrical voice. I can't say that Lydia had the best voice in the world, but this didn't mean anything to me. The reason was that Lydia refused to compose anything and when she finally composed a melody, a few months later she accused me of telling her she was writing childish songs. (Not to mention that children's songs were my paradise). Alexandria is not my solo career, but a musical family. If Lydia refused to compose songs, how could I or any member of the band be able to fit her own voice to the songs? This was something she had to do herself. I was the one who was writing all the lyrics, as the others asked me to do this, back in 2011, and since then we established that tradition. No one ever asked to write lyrics, except for our second album, nor Dina, who has been herself an excellent lyricist. And if the other members of the band ever asked me to write lyrics -that's irrelevant, as I'm no leader- and I refused to let them, then I'd be a real motherfucker. She'd even told me, back then, that she couldn't compose her own music and I approached her and told her, full of affection, that she shouldn't have low self-esteem. Because I knew this. I knew the feeling of having a so fucked up self-esteem and my heart was breaking to see even the worst wanker feel as such.

That bitch even dared to refer to the incident with Lars. She should maybe know that he was the one who put me on a wall and was about to touch me with his filthy hands. But I'm 1.90 tall and pushed him away, otherwise who knows what he could have done? Truth be told, after that incident I was avoiding both of them. There wasn't anything to talk about with Lydia and furthermore, until we completely stopped talking to each other, we were completely in each other's throats. Any time I'd open my heart to her and tell her how bad I was feeling, she would call me useless and disabled and she'd say that the only thing I was able to do in my life was writing. That was the total annihilation of my personality. That's why you shouldn't wonder why I was later feeling that I had no self anymore. As far as our two big fights are concerned, everybody knows what happened. And everybody knows that when we were at the bus stop, she called me a whore, before everybody standing close and I'd turned red from shame, but FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I dared telling someone to fuck off, at least under my breath.

Of course, we sent her a lawsuit paper, because after they stole the money, both of them made away with our money. And we had no other choice, rather than suing them, ain't it so? So, when it was our turn to reply to the accusations, my aunt Kati, who was also a witness, referred to an incident I didn't know. "Seven years ago, I asked my niece, Ingrid, to start teaching Lydia the piano, instead of me. There was indeed a reason. Lydia stopped paying and for such a long time I even reached the point of asking her for the fees and she would always postpone it". She went on and I noticed a wave of anger in her tone. "She NEVER paid. NEVER! And I...I couldn't send her away, because my niece had just a newborn band, which had started to gain success. I couldn't destroy her career".

Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die, I thought.

When it was my turn, I replied to the accusations presenting the whole truth. I referred to the tour, during which Lydia and Lars decided that some shows would be cancelled or they themselves refused to come with us because they wanted to follow illegal means. In other words, they wanted only to do gigs with low taxes, so that the road is open and we can deceive the government. I referred to the fact that I consider these to be sly means and that if someone is able to make such sly thoughts and plans, to my mind they'd easily be able to commit other crimes like stealing money. And fortunately, my argument made many people take it into consideration.

Anyway, Alexandria won the case. The case against my best friend. I remember walking out of the court about to pass out. Dina lifted me up and said: "Come on, I'll take you home".

After the court, I couldn't stay long at home. I flew to Ireland for the last time, but I didn't stay at my house in Donegal. On the contrary, I hopped onto my boat and sailed to the opposite side, on Arranmore island. I lived for a week as a real recluse, because the cabin I'd built there didn't even have any electricity. It was in the same style as the cabins (summer cottages) in Norway, only that most cabins now function as normal households. The cabin in Arranmore had a room with only one, let's say, bed and something which looked like a fireplace. There was a pit nearby, through which you could get water. I stayed there for a week and I was planning to stay more if people hadn't started to worry about me.

I remember myself sleeping one morning before the fireplace, when Bryan suddenly entered the cabin and woke me up, saying: "What on earth are you doing here all alone all these days?" After he brought me back to reality, we hopped in the boat and returned to the village. And from there, I packed up everything I had in Ireland and returned to Norway. I went back to my parents who, of course, were still on tour.

Back in Norway, I found a pleasant surprise. After the case, Lydia had found all of our common friends and had complained about how cruel the band was towards her. Friends we'd gone through a lot together fell upon me and said I was the nastiest person they'd ever met. That I'd have to be ashamed of myself to have sued my best friend, accusing her of stealing, and not because I wanted to fill my pockets. I really wanted to cry. All those years I've been the one who always tries to keep a balance between us and in the end, I am the one to eat shit. And furthermore, they were accusing me, as if I were the one who suddenly decided on suing Lydia! Just think that I used to be best friends with those people and now they position themselves in a matter which is none of their business, they weren't present in what happened and they even dared to accuse me, after everything we'd gone through together. All in all, Lydia would try to revenge on us until she would totally destroy us.

I wasn't angry nor did I want to revenge on her. On the contrary, I was really upset and felt pain, knowing the fact that there are such people in this world, who can have no sight of their emotions. People who can say and do anything they like without any restraints and without considering other people's feelings. Such a person was Lydia and my friends were so enchanted with Lydia's narcissism, that they'd fall for the yarn, she was telling them, without even caring about the other side of the coin.

But what I was feeling, was a deep pain. That was the last straw for me about everything I was going through all these years. I was feeling as if someone had turned the blade of a knife towards me. Only that I wanted to grab that blade myself and slice my throat until I was dead.

Lydia had made it. Yes, the band won the case indeed, but we lost everything else. I didn't want to keep on living like that. I only wanted to break my promise and kill myself.

34. THAT MARVELLOUS NIGHT IN LONDON

I noticed that for three weeks, Dina wasn't saying a word. I thought that she herself was also exhausted and bored of this situation. I couldn't think of anything meaner than that. Only that night in London, before we performed, I found her crying in the dressing room. I took her in my arms and asked her whether everything was fine. She replied to me that there was something she needed to talk to me about just after the show. I was frightened that something very serious is going on. I can't explain it --it was probably due to the adrenaline of the whole show--, during these three hours on stage, I didn't think about Dina's words even once. This show in Royal Albert Hall would be the best show the band had ever made.

The band's appearance took place in Royal Albert Hall in London and it was a sold-out show. It lasted three hours along with an intermission and we played our most popular songs from 2011 until 2021. When Riders of Night started, the audience went crazy, while when I started playing Once Upon a Time in Autumn, I started to shed tears. During the encore, Dina gave such an emotional speech, that I burst out in tears, secretly from people. 

April 14, 2021

Alexandria's last show, promoting Arborial Language album. Also, the band's last show featuring two of its members.

The show came to an end and we triumphed. After we recovered from our ecstatic state, I asked Dina what she wanted to talk to me about. She gave me a gloomy look. "I don't feel ready to tell you yet, Ingrid", she said.

After that marvellous night in Royal Albert Hall, I returned to Ireland, accompanied by Bryan and Vivian. During the first days, we were discussing the situation and came to the conclusion that there was a single solution. Lydia had to be fired and we didn't need to replace her. We didn't need a third vocalist. Thus, we were about to call the others and discuss the matter of her dismissal. But we didn't get the chance. Dina called me because she felt ready to tell me about the topic, she had just referred to prior to our last show in London.  And while I expected her to announce her own departure from the band, she just threw to my face: "Lydia and Lars have stolen one and a half million euros and they are hidden somewhere in Latin America".

Dina doesn't feel any pity for people. She has the tendency to throw anything she's thinking straight to your face. Thus, she just told me what had happened, without considering my own reaction. And of course, I couldn't believe this was no joke. I cracked up and said: "Really? Latin America? Quite exotic".

"Do you think I'm joking?", she hissed.

"What else do you expect me to think when you just call me and the first thing you say is that Lydia is hiding with our money in Latin America?"

"Well, if you don't believe me, have a look in the band's bank account", she said and picked down the phone.

I started laughing nervously, but in the end, I opened the bank account and realised that money was indeed missing. I started sweating, as, after everything we'd gone through with Lydia, this was the ultimate blow. As I didn't know what to do, I thought of two solutions. Either I'd kill myself, or I'd call Dina back.

"Well you believed me", she said.

We remained silent for a while, but in the end, I said: "It's my fault. It's my fault because I turned a blind eye to the whole situation and now..."

"Listen to me", she interrupted me. "There's no time in putting any blame on people now and there's no point in doing this. Do you understand how serious this situation is?"

"I do understand", I said.

"Alright, then. The point is that we have to tackle this issue very carefully. And in order to do this, we have to be united. All of us will handle the situation, not only one of us".

For a second, I felt relieved. All this time, I had been thinking that I'd have to carry all that weight myself and I panicked. "I have to go now", she said. "I'd like to think more about it. You can also think and don't worry at all".

"Bryan is in the kitchen", I answered.

"Even better", she replied. "Discuss it together. And take care of yourself".

"Alright", I replied and picked down the phone.

After I walked in, Bryan asked me: "Is everything alright with Dina?" I sat down, putting my head inside my hands and sighed: "Yes, she is".

"Ingrid, what's wrong?"

"I don't know how to tell you".

"Is this serious?", he asked.

"We are splitting up", I whispered. "I see it coming".

Bryan was looking at me as if I were coming from another planet. "What....did Dina tell you?"

"Lydia and Lars stole one and a half million euros and they are hiding somewhere in Latin America".

Bryan laughed. "No shit".

"Do you think this is shit?" I replied and we checked the bank account. I was rubbing my eyes, believing that I was dreaming. But, unfortunately, this nightmare was real.

"Well, let's hold ourselves together...", he said.

"Dina told me she wouldn't let me handle all this alone".

"And she was right. Well, listen. We'll get the money whatever it takes".

"And how are we doing this?"

"Very simple", he replied to me. "We'll sue them".

"Bryan, what are you talking about?", I yelled. "Where are we going to find them? They've both disappeared in the Amazon".

"What do you mean? Doesn't the government know where they are?"

"The government?" I suddenly felt like I couldn't understand a single thing.

"Listen up, Ingrid", he said. "We don't know where the hell, in the jungle, they are. However, the government knows. We'll send the lawsuit at Norway's embassy and from this place, it'll be sent...in which country have they fled?"

"I think, in Brazil", I replied.

"Very well, in Brazil, and the lawsuit will reach the hands of those unspeakable ones. After that point, they are obliged to be present at court".

"Hmm, right", I said in irony. "So, we make all of our problems public. We also become anything we hate".

"People would anyway know this. Because Lydia would ask for pity in interviews. As long as people will learn this, why shouldn't this happen in the right way? Would you like people to fall upon you and swear at you because you sued Lydia?"

"Yes, but now the same thing is going to happen".

"No, because the truth is going to be presented".

I touched my head. "I feel dizzy", I said. "I wish all this were just a dream".

"Me too", Bryan told me. He hugged me and said: "Don't worry. Everything is going to be fine. We'll all be united and in the end, we're going to be the ones who will win the case".

"Yes", I said, "we'll win a case against my best friend".

Bryan sighed: "I know that it is for you as hard as it for me as well..."

"No, Bryan", I exclaimed. "First, Lydia and I were like sisters. You met her a few years back through me. Second, if something goes wrong, I will be the one to eat shit, not the rest of you".

"You're right", he said. "But just think that the fact that you were close when you were in school doesn't mean you would remain as such when growing up. People change, Ingrid. Children are kind and innocent. And to quote from you, when we grow up, we are taught about how shitty the world can be. Then we have two choices. Either, we'll get to know it and stay away, or..."

"We'll fall in deep shit", I ended up his sentence.

"Exactly. Lydia fell in deep shit. Got it?"

I sighed. I stood up and grabbed the phone. "Dina, we're instantly flying to Norway".

33. ILLEGAL MEANS

As I have already said, Lydia was acting as she wanted in the band. We were booking gigs, wherever she only wanted, whenever she wanted, and if she wanted. However, this situation didn't last that long. At some point Lydia called upon us and said this:

"We will cancel those shows and perform in these ones". Alright, this was nothing new for us. We knew that this was definitely going to happen. When I dared to ask her, though, why cancelling shows, she replied to me: "We'll get more money this way. We'll get away with this by paying fewer taxes".

Then I lost it and told her: "So what you suggest is steal the government".

"Oh, steal", she said in an allegedly innocent tone. "Why does the government steal citizens?"

"Which government steals from you? Norway? Excuse me, but a government like this one in Norway is absolutely honest".

"So do you prefer paying more taxes rather than following the easy path?"

Then I said: "I'd rather eat shit than cheat the government".

Lydia didn't put it off. We got into a fight and she told me she wouldn't do the show at all.

"Fine", I told her. "We're performing without you".

And this is what happened. Lydia would sing to our shows whenever she had a lust to. And the worst thing was that we had just become popular, so we couldn't afford to mess up with the fans. I remember at some point that we had an interview and the journalist asked us about Lydia. I lied to him about her having a health problem. I was feeling so embarrassed about even telling the Press about our mess. The whole situation went on like that until April when our last show in London would take place.

As I said before, Lydia would sing whenever it pleased her. However, during all this time that she was without us, I'd noticed something. She was indeed useless in the band. She wouldn't offer anything to us. She was doing solely backing vocals and, alright, these weren't so necessary. We could perfectly go on without her.

At some point, we were left alone and had an argument, so she started swearing at me. Then I told her everything I had been thinking all this time. I told her that we could really go on without her and that we don't actually need her. Everybody thinks I was too cruel to have spoken to her like that, but I was right. She was indeed a useless member. She wasn't even contributing to any composition nor would she ever sing lead vocals in songs. Were we in need of backing vocalists, we could have hired some.

Whilst I could see the disaster coming, I wouldn't do anything about that. And I think I'm solely the one to blame; starting from the fact that I lied on the press about Lydia having a health problem, so that we wouldn't get exposed to people who would learn that she does what she wants with us, to the fact that I let her ramble instead of telling her My sweet girl, do you refuse singing in the gig? Bye-bye, my darling. I turned a blind eye to the whole situation and kept waiting for the tour to end so that I could handle the whole situation.

When the tour would be over, I would manage with her. Furthermore, I'd lock myself up at home, so I would work on my next book, which might have been the darkest novel I've ever written. It told the story of a female Poet/author, who felt she needed to harm so badly people she hated, but as long as she couldn't do this in real life, she would instead kill them in her books. This means that, if she really hated someone in her life, she would write a novel in her black notebook, in which this particular person was the heroine of the story, who would kill herself in the most torturing way. If I ever published that book, it would be completely inappropriate for children! It described ways to kill yourself with pills, poison, blades of knives, ropes etc. in a fully detailed way. I would always make my heroines kill themselves in my books, however, this time I felt I was beyond any limit. And I didn't really care if someone read the book at all or if I got negative comments that I glorify suicide. I would never kill anyone in real life, for I was no murderer, however, I had whatever right to kill anyone I liked in my books. That is to do the same as my heroine, my Poet, did, whose name was written in the beginning, only when I presented her. Her name was Thaleia, but I suppose that nobody could remember it after reading the book. That was indeed my aim. That nobody would remember that her name was Thaleia, but only as of the Poet. I didn't say Dina a word about my book. She would scold me about writing once again books about authors who kill themselves, and she would be right to tell me off. However, I was supposed not to harm anybody in my book. The Poet was the one who made her heroes kill themselves. She wouldn't harm her own self. The Poet was something like my alter ego or my own self in the book. It felt like I had jumped inside the book and I was impersonated by the Poet, even though I'm aware that this is forbidden in Literature.

Since mid-February and thereafter, when Lydia was performing with us whenever she liked, I was trying to show people how important I was. I can tell I was behaving just like Lydia, in the sense that I was trying to seem as if I were something, while in fact, I was just showing off because I was truly feeling useless. And as I was so uptight, I was trying to conceal my own self-esteem issues, by taking revenge on Lydia. I wanted to show people that I was worthy and I hadn't been anything Lydia was calling me. Thus, I had to show people that nobody can reach me, as far as my playing and technique on the keys is concerned. That's why every night we would also play Tarkus by Emerson, Lake & Palmer, in which the only thing I was doing was a show-off. Since February, though, I had started to feel severe pains in my left thumb. But I wouldn't pay any real attention to that. I kept on playing without a pause and show off to people that I'm the perfect keyboardist and organist. At night, when we were at the hotel, I also used to play with PlayStation rather intensely and passionately along with the other guys, so my hands would suffer a lot.

However, soon my thumb started aching more and more. So, I was forced to put a bandage around it, when I wasn't playing synths or organ. The rest of the guys told me:

"Ingrid, I think you should slow down with your playing. Your hands will be in real trouble".

"My hands had never had a problem. Look at them, they're magic!", I answered in a greed.

"Anyway, I think you should have them checked if you keep on feeling any pain", Dina said.

"Yeah, sure. After the tour, I'll visit a doctor", I answered.

That night, we were sitting at the hotel's balcony in Wassenaar. I was reading a Donald Duck comic book, smoking and wearing a fishermen hat in my head and I was singing Moskau Moskau.

"Look at you", Dina said laughing heartily. "This is a 25-year-old rock musician who's still pretending to be a hippie".

"Woodstock never dieeeeees!", I said aloud, stretching my arms above my head. Then, Dina burst out laughing.

In the end, we all gathered on the balcony and we were discussing. I had promised to everybody, especially to myself, that after what happened with Lydia, I would be honest. This doesn't mean that I could talk about my sufferings out loud, however, when asked, I wouldn't hide anything nor lie. We started discussing people's real worth, not due to their achievements, but due to what they are as human beings and personalities. Then, the discussion moved to my hand's situation, because it was obvious that everybody had been alarmed by my immense pains.

"I'll be completely honest", I replied. "If my hand wasn't functioning as well as it does now, this would be a total devastation to me".

"Or you would keep on living your life by accepting that situation", Vivian said.

"No", I said. "What those two hands can do, that is play music and write, is everything that gives me a worth. Nothing else can ever make me be worthy".

"It's Lydia the one who made you believe that bullshit about yourself, Ingrid", Dina said.

"Well, but she had been right at that point, even though she was swearing at me and was making me feel a completely worthless person. I don't think I'm worthy to do other stuff. I can't anyway do anything else rather than that".

"Excellent. I really admire your self-esteem", Vivian said sarcastically.

Then, I looked at her and said to her face: "I have low self-esteem and I don't have the lust to look my fucking face in the mirror".

The others remained in silence for a while and then Vivian said, in a beckon:

"That's a very honest answer".

"I promised to be honest with everybody and above all with myself. I can't keep on hiding behind my finger anymore", I replied.

"Even though, I believe that you feel kinda better this year".

"I do. Even though, I always have a fucked up self-esteem. Music, theatre and writing, all help me feel important somehow. That I'm doing something which gives me an authority. That this way I become.....someone".

"That why, in case your hand is ruined, this would be for you....."

"If anything ever happens to my hand, I'll grab a knife and kill myself", I said.

While touring in Germany, I got a phone call from my sister, Johanna. In the beginning, I got a fright, because nobody would ever call me during the tour, except in case something very serious had happened.

"Johanna, is there anything wrong?", I said terrified.

"Yeah, but it's for a good thing. I'm sorry if I'm calling you at an appropriate time".

"No issue", I said. "At this moment, we are driving on a highway close to Stuttgart"

"Ingrid, I left my band", she said.

"Congratulations, Johanna. I'm really proud of you. Don't you ever phone them again. Those people only want to make you feel weak".

Fortunately, my sister understood very soon that this band would only harm her. I was glad to hear that she left, because if she hadn't, she might have become just like me, without a self or a personality, as everybody in there treated her as they wanted.

Despite our problems with Lydia, the tour went as great as ever. Our shows were marvellous and for the first time ever, I could dress myself the way I wanted, because no one would criticise my own style. At that time, I used to have long dark hair, because I had staged a play, in which I should have a vintage style. However, I kept the same vintage style in the tour as well, as I had been dressing like a 1930s actress, wearing long dresses and embroidered clothes. Sometimes, I also used to wear head chiefs and straw hats.

Offstage, we used to get really wild. I can remember that night when we'd play in Yorkshire, at the Blakey Ridge inn. We would spend the night at Bryan's place, which was located in a village nearby. On the lower floor, there was a room, whose door was broken in the middle and anyone could pass through it. We wouldn't even open that door, as our body fitted to get in that room through that hole. At some point, I went to the upper floor and I suddenly noticed that someone had left a hammer on the table. I cracked up because in my mind I connected the hammer with this scene in The Shining, where Jack Nicholson, as a paranoid, smashes the door with a hammer and gets ready to do in his wife. So, I quietly walked down the stairs, holding the hammer, and in a satanic smile, I rushed through the broken door, screaming: Here's Johnyyyy!. The rest of the guys freaked out with my sudden appearance and Vivian, out of defence, grabbed a compass that she just noticed and impaled it in my arm. Then, I started running around, still holding the hammer, and screaming with my arm bleeding. Anyway, I still have that wound from the compass.

During the next few days, Johanna phoned again to inform me about some more exciting news.: "Ingrid, I feel that I slightly start making my dreams come true".

"What kind of project are you planning to have?", I asked enthusiastically as well.

"Not really a project. Caroline from Alta and I joined forces and formed a band. Together! And next year, we are releasing our debut album".

"Johanna, that's awesome! I was also the one to tell you that you had to work with your friend. However, you should be constantly travelling to Alta or Caroline should be travelling to Tromsø, right?".

"You didn't understand. I permanently moved to Alta. I anyway....had no reasons to stay in Tromsø anymore".

"That's true", I said. "This way, you'll also be closer to Kirkenes. When the tour is over anyway, I should go to Alta's hospital".

Johanna silenced herself for a while. "Is there anything wrong with your health?", she asked.

"Nothing to worry about. I just feel a pain in my left thumb. I probably exhausted myself in this tour. I wouldn't like to go to the doctor in Kirkenes, because an X-ray might be needed".

"Then, you can stay in my new house!", she exclaimed.

"Of course!"

This is what happened. A few days later, I went to visit Johanna at her new house in Alta. Alta was Finnmark's largest town, though thousand miles away from the village. But it was a nice town, although small. I was glad to see my sister again and we were talking about our bands and the new period of our lives, that we had both started with. I confided in her that I missed Dina and how insecure I was feeling without her presence in the band.

At some point, Johanna asked me: "Have you been writing any book so far?".

I couldn't lie to her, but neither tell her about my Poet.

"I've started with something....but....I don't know if....if....it's going to....you know....work out....or....", I said in a stutter.

"And what's the plot", she asked.

I sighed and managed to say under my breath: "An author, who's feeling hate against the world and people around her".

"Oh, come on, Ingrid. Again heroines who kill themselves?".

"No!", I exclaimed. "I swear that nobody is going to kill themselves for real in my book".

"You even swear", she giggled.

"Yes, I do swear!".

That was true. In the book's plot, no one kills themselves. The Poet's heroines are no real figures in my own book but in her book.

I went to the hospital on Monday, considering that I would have an X-ray, the doctor would put a bandage on my hand and suggest I shouldn't be playing the synths so intensely at least for two weeks and that everything would be alright. When I had the X-ray, though, he said: "I'm afraid that your thumb is suffering a severe strain, due to its maltreatment".

"And how can this be treated?", I asked in shock.

"You need an operation because your thumb is swollen. If you don't have surgery as soon as possible, the risk of an ankylosis is high and then your wrist might paralyse".

"My wrist paralyses very often during sleep", I said.

"That's why you had better make an appointment for this surgery as soon as possible".

"Doctor?", I asked in a frozen way. "Do you know if the operation is going to have negative effects, concerning the hand's function afterwards? You know, I'm a pianist and...."

"I'm really sorry", he said silently. "Your future performance cannot be the same".

I opened the door and left, walking in the street, as if I'd swallowed two aspirin boxes. It was impossible that something like that was happening to me. Not to me! My greatest fear had come true. All I was afraid of in April, they ended up being my reality. My hands would never again be able to play as perfect as they once did. I was useless. Totally useless. If I had been worth about something, this was my technique on the keys and the fact that I could play as fast as 800 kilometres per hour. Now I'd lost that too. I didn't have ANY ability anymore. I was a worthless thing, a zero thing that didn't even deserve to be left to die.

I went to Johanna's place and told her the news, trying to keep my feelings to myself. However, as I had been telling her about the doctor's words, I burst into tears, cursing myself about how useless I was.

"Hey, Ingrid, it's not your achievements that make you important", Johanna would say.

"Stop with that philosophical bullshit. We've got our problems with Lydia. Now we're losing the keys too. We have just had a success with Riders of Night. Then, we'll go once again to the bottom".

"Ingrid, listen to me. To start with, what the doctor said is not that you will not be able to play keys ever again. All he said was, that your performance will not be the same as before".

"So, you're telling me that it's not an issue if I don't play perfect, huh? Do you probably consider me to be a keyboardist, who's playing in local and traditional festivals in villages?"

"Furthermore, your perfectionism is going to destroy you. Alas! Don't let success blow your mind this way. Play the way you can and let it not be perfect. You're anyway a fabulous composer. A solution could be that you can use a second keyboardist too".

"I'm afraid that my mind is completely blown away. I wanted to make a show-off that I've been the best pianist in the world and now my hands are destroyed. I'm totally worthless!", I yelled and started sobbing.

"I can't see you crying like that, ok?", my sister said. "Wash your face and let's go out for dinner to talk for a while".

"I don't want to go anywhere, Johanna. I'm going to have the operation and then go back and lock myself at home".

"As you wish, youngster".

Johanna was right. It's not one's achievements that make one become important. However, my own self-esteem didn't let me realise this. I'd never in my life felt like that before. Even during those times that I was going through this terrible personal crisis, I had still had hope, because my self-esteem was hanging from the fact that these two hands were doing miracles. But what was now left was this feeling of bitterness towards myself, that everything I was doing was totally shit.

The operation was done a few days later. When I walked into the hospital, I felt exactly like that day, when I had the abortion, back in 2020. I once again felt like I'm missing a part of myself, only that this time it wasn't something unborn, but something belonging to me, that I myself had killed.

At least I could perform in our last shows, even though my wrist was tied in a bandage. I just should take it much easier with my intensive playing.

Something positive was that during that time there were many reviews about our album and Prog Magazine named it the progressive rock album of the year. Riders of Night rose to the second position and also rock magazines started featuring reviews of the album and asking us to give a few interviews. Suddenly, the band became quite popular and that's why people in the street were smiling or greeting me, whenever they would see me. Some of them would even ask me whether I was Ingrid Sorensen by Alexandria. I wasn't bothered by them at all, except for when they would become really annoying!

Arborial Language became our best album and got positive feedback from fans. So, I had the idea that we could make a live album, so I thought I had better discuss the idea with the other members of the band. We decided to film the band's last performance, which would take place on April 14, 2021, and released that on DVD.

In the end, in April, prior to that legendary concert, I had a long discussion with Bryan, who told me that everything had to change after that night. I reassured him that there's no need to worry, that I'll handle the situation myself and Lydia will be given a lesson she'll never ever forget. But truth be told I was in a sweat at the thought that I didn't know what to do anymore. The tour was coming to a close. Soon we'd have to go to the studio and compose the next album. I wasn't planning on working with Lydia anymore. Just to think that once, Lydia, Dina and I were inseparable, like sisters.

And now we were trying to find cool ways to kick her out of the band.

32. TOUR

[Attention please: This chapter was written before January. This means that this was before the pandemic, so I don't make any reference to COVID-19 at all. I know it sounds too selfish, not to mention a single thing about such a tragic situation. However, you have to know that after this chapter the whole story is set in the future. In case someone is offended and you want me to change the dates e.g. to 30 years earlier, please PM me or comment. Thank you].

Lydia had asked us to create this common bank account, but after some point I felt that she would really call the shots, concerning what we were spending. It seemed to me that Lydia and Lars had some kind of avarice, which was really dangerous.

The tour for Arborial Language started in June 2020. It would last until April 2021. The tour went smoothly for some months. We weren't performing constantly, but we were also having short breaks, in order to be with our families as well. Of course, the reason why I say that the tour went smoothly was that in fact off stage Lydia wasn't interacting with us at all. Lydia was only singing backing vocals in the shows (not even lead vocals) and after that, we would never catch up with her. She wouldn't stay at the same hotel with us, wouldn't catch the same flights with us, nor in the tour bus, but Lars and she would join us separately from us. We would meet them only during the soundcheck and the show. We would never ask her to join us for a drink because we knew she wouldn't. She didn't want us anymore. She was using us so that she could boast that she was singing in Alexandria. Such was her self-esteem.

Things were like that for a few months. However, everything changed completely since October 23rd, 2020. The shit hit the fan for me, temporarily, because I had the greatest scar of my life. And I refer to an incident, which most people don't know and I have never talked to anyone about it because it has been so painful to me, that I have buried it deep inside. 2020 was the year that I ever in my life got pregnant. And this is what happened. Michalis and I kept on having our relationship, which sometimes used to include a lot of violence. However, not only wouldn't I leave, because I was afraid of loneliness, but when he proposed to me, I accepted it. Fortunately, marriage is something that had never happened. In mid-September 2020, I returned to Ireland for a few days, because there were no shows for a while I went to stay with Michalis in Limerick. However, a month later I realised I was pregnant. In the beginning, I was extremely frightened, as I was only 24 years old and it was impossible for me to become a mother at such a young age. So, I considered it wise to talk to Michalis, because he could support me.

But I was bluffing. When I told Michalis that I was pregnant, he was taken aback and told me in an obvious hostility: "Ingrid, are you serious? How could you get knocked up at such a young age? How will you be able to raise a child now, can you tell me?".

"Hey, you know I didn't do the whole business all by myself. You're also responsible for that. Ok?", I replied fiercely.

"DON'T FUCKING RAISE YOUR VOICE!!!", he screamed and lifted his hand. I put my hands on my head in a defence position, because I was afraid that he would hit me. "Are you scared, little kitten?", he said sarcastically. "Alright, then. What do you expect me to do?", I said in a calm tone this time. "You know what you have to do. Everything can be made up". I looked at him puzzled. "Stop looking at me. Pack your stuff up and go quickly to the UK and if you think that the surgery costs a lot of money, use a hanger or a hook. You won't be the first woman to do this", he said laughing. I started walking outdoors, but he added. "Listen up. There are some women who have also used broomsticks. It's so funny, isn't it?". Then he started laughing even louder and I have to admit that the reminiscence of his ironic laughter still haunts me.

Yes, my dear. Anyone would agree that this is something to laugh about. Forcing a woman to abort her baby, even though she doesn't want to. And if she doesn't obey, then you are allowed to force her to put a hanger, a hook or even a broomstick on her vagina, so that the whole job is done costlessly. And in case a woman says that this is equivalent to rape, then everybody tells her that she's one of these idiot trendy feminists. Nothing but an idiot trendy feminist, when at the same time someone takes control over her own body. This is something really funny and everybody is allowed to make jokes about that. Isn't that right?

So, I got too frightened, because I didn't know what this good man would do, in case I refused to have an abortion. That's why, like a faithful puppy, I made an appointment with a doctor in Carlisle, UK, because it was close. I decided to catch the late train, at night, from Donegal. I was hoping that Michalis would take me there or at least come with me, but no such luck. I reached the hospital at 8 o'clock in the morning. I was sitting in the waiting room along with other women, of course much older than me. One of them asked me: "Why did you decide to do this at such a young age, darling? Oh, you should both be careful of those things". I said nothing but only forced a smile.

All this time that I was sitting in the waiting room, I was thinking over everything that had happened. How could I trust such a person? It seems like a joke that he asked me to marry him. No way! He should go fuck himself and I would never EVER marry such a person. It was my own mistake that I trusted him right from the beginning and after that incident, I realised that everything I was previously feeling about him, had now collapsed. The fact that he forced me to have an abortion, threatening me about the consequences, in case I refused to, wouldn't end up here. He wouldn't EVER see me again, nor in his wildest dreams. And I would never ever forgive him, not even if he would come back, beseeching me on his feet. I would throw him out of my life.

My thoughts were interrupted by a female voice, who opened the door and said out loud: "Sorensen?". I sprang up and when she saw me, she smiled. I smiled too and walked inside unwillingly, dragging my feet. I don't know how much time this surgery lasted and I don't even remember, and I don't want to remember any detail, of course. I was anyway drugged, so I can remember neither the way I slept nor even the way I woke up. But then, I returned to Ireland again by train, feeling completely numb.

I headed straight to Michalis' place to pack up my things because I wanted to get the hell out of that place and go home to Donegal. When he saw me, he didn't even greet me, didn't even turn to look at me, but said coldly: "Did you remove that thing from your belly?". Then, I turned to him and hissed: "Fuck off", in the same sense that I told Lydia at the bus stop, and this time I wasn't scared at all. He was only gazing at me like an idiot, without saying a thing. So, I took every last thing I had left in that place and without turning to look at him, as he did before, I told him: "Don't you ever dare to call me again". "Ingrid, wait", he said and rushed behind me. But I got in the car and left, no matter if I was suffering from severe pains.

I didn't say a word to anybody about the pregnancy or the abortion. Nobody ever learnt anything, neither my parents nor even Johanna. But when the tour went on, I told the others, I had broken up with Michalis. And when they asked me about the reason, I just replied: "The age difference was huge". That's why I never told anything to anybody. But every October 23, I celebrate the death anniversary of my potential child.

The fact that I didn't talk, though, doesn't mean that I was behaving as if nothing had happened. I couldn't keep back my anger and I was bursting out in bizarre ways. Then, Lydia's behaviour started to annoy me. It felt as if she were no member of the band anymore. And trying to talk to her was something I paid dearly for. In January 2021, we kept on touring, after our short break. Lydia, as usual, left after our first gig. On the second day, though, after we all gathered up to tune ourselves, I told Lydia: "Could we please have a talk after the show?" I swear I didn't behave her badly nor was I cruel to her.

In the end, Lydia met me outside the venue we performed, without the others' presence. I told her calmly: "Do you have something against us? Why are you avoiding us?". Then, she gave me a scornful look and said to me: "You won't tell me what to do, Meisterin". And then, she walked away.

Had we met the previous day, I'd get totally pissed and talk to Bryan. However, Lydia was a person I'd known since High School. Dina, Lydia and I were like sisters from a very young age. Now what had I done to her and she was behaving like that? And exactly because we had that deep friendship, I couldn't complain to the others about her behaviour. It felt like betraying her and accusing of her in others. But why was she behaving so badly to me? Why didn't she even talk to me for about a year? Well, not only just to me, but none of us even. And whatsoever, hadn't the others noticed any weird behaviour?

In the end, I tried to approach Lydia again. But the only thing I achieved was that she started yelling at me and said: "You're favouring Dina more than me!" "What do you mean?", I asked.

"You're doing anything you want and you don't let me sing lead vocals". Then, I felt she was too unfair and replied to her:

"And who I am to define who is going to sing what? We all sing our songs in this band. You don't even compose any song! How on earth could I adapt other people's song in your own voice? Discuss it with Dina and arrange which song is going to be sung by whom. Why should I be the one to always have the final word in this band?"

"Because you want to be the boss and control everyone in here".

Great! I've heard it all now. "Alright, Lydia", I said. "If you want to decide on everything, let it be so. Then, I will do anything that you like. Ok? Are you satisfied now?" Lydia smiled.

I didn't advise the others prior to a show again. I let the others do whatever they wanted. A month later, in February, Dina said to me: "Hey, what's the matter? Why are you off?"

Then I replied: "Lydia said to me that I only want to be the boss. So I decided I wouldn't ever make any decisions again. I'll have you eat cake! And if Lydia wants to be the boss, let her be".

"No, no Ingrid", she said to me. "Don't do that".

"Why?", I replied. "So that I can be unfair to you? I'm not joking. I'll have you eat cake. I shall be composing my songs, play my instrument and sing at times".

"Ingrid, if you let Lydia do, as she pleases, the band will be split".

"Oh come on. This is what you told me four years ago. I won't bite now".

"Do as you please, but if this leads us to destruction..." She stopped.

"Say it!", I said. "It is going to be my fault, ain't it?"

"This is not what I said. Just, listen to me".

I didn't listen to Dina and I paid for that. Lydia had calculated that blackmailing me, I'd let her do what she wanted. Since February the band was in chaos.

31. THE LANGUAGE OF TREES

We decided to meet each other in the band, in order to start composing our following album, though we didn't have the slightest idea what we were going to write about. However, in the end, we worked in the same way as the previous years. Each one of us would start writing our own songs and when completing them, we would present our demos to the others. This is how the composition procedure would start. One of the following mornings, I got up from bed and went straight to make coffee. I walked out of the house, in order to enjoy the Irish spring and my flowers in the garden. I think I hadn't had such a feeling of serenity in years. I had missed walking out of my house with a wide smile on my face, only because a simple flower made my day. Even though problems of the previous years did not vanish, during the last month I felt more carefree and delicate.

I was looking at nature's beauty outdoors and this is what I got inspired by. I could start from the garden. I was still excited by Mother Nature's topic and style and mad about nature, so my mind was still stuck on that. That's why I put my big straw black hat on and along with my coffee I grabbed a pen and paper and sat on the little table in the garden. And there I started writing the lyrics of a song, which was later called Flower Blossoms. I hadn't thought of the music yet, but the lyrics were inspired by this beautiful show, unfolding before my eyes.

I found soon inspiration about the music too. I need to say that, during all these years, our music had more or less atmospheric, folk and acoustic elements. Our best songs would last about ten minutes and their ending was distinguishable by a long guitar solo. One could clearly notice that we were inspired by Pink Floyd, especially by songs like Comfortably Numb or High Hopes. However, this time I realised that the songs I was writing for that album were more progressive and the sound was more down to earth. One may compare it to Dream Theater, though I'm not such a big fan of them. Or maybe an album such as Fear of a Blank Planet by Porcupine Tree. Also, the other guys in the band kept on with that and also considered this change in our sound to be a very positive development. 

As huge Pink Floyd fans and given the fact that it was my favourite band, since I was five years old, and as I said before, our main influence, in April 2020, we were about to do a gig in London, which would be a Pink Floyd tribute. I can remember that three weeks before the gig, Vivian, Bryan and I were drinking wine and I was telling them that I was so excited about the gig and that such a tribute had been a pipe dream for me. The day, when we would perform live, I gathered the rest of the guys outdoors and told them seriously: "Listen up. If the time is enough, we're playing Echoes too. The whole song! That's why it's very important that we do our best in that show. Don't forget that we owe our success to those people". However, an hour before the show, I went out to smoke a cigarette, as my whole body was sweating. I'd never ever panicked so much before, prior to appearing on stage. Quite the contrary, actually. I usually had a really good time during live shows and I loved headbanging before the synths. In general, I'd overcome stage fright, because as an actress, you have to play a role before a huge audience and you can't afford to have any stage fright. However, this time, as a sort of a perfectionist, I thought that it was necessary we are perfect because when you pay a tribute to a band, it's out of the question that you don't perform as good as they do.

I ended up being in the dressing room, with my arms raised in front of the air conditioning, while the air was falling upon me. Then, Dina walked in and told me, laughing:

"I wouldn't advise staying like that for a long time. You'll get a strain in your neck and you'll feel the heat of the show". Then she saw that my face was pale and she said:

"What's wrong with you now? You're the only one of us, who never got scared to walk on stage. You're an actress, Ingrid. A stage fright, now?"

"We're making a tribute to Pink Floyd!", I replied. "If anything goes wrong...".

"Nothing is going wrong, Ingrid", Dina reassured me. "Just believe in yourself".

Yes, of course. The latter was something I would surely do.

Nevertheless, as soon as we walked on stage, any kind of fear vanished. We started the show, playing Astronomy Domine, which was the first song from Pink Floyd's debut album. And I truly think that it was the best show we'd ever done. For the first time ever, I felt important and that what I was doing was worthy. I felt proud and such a feeling was completely unprecedented for me. The only problem was that this night was the last one that Lydia did a real live show with us.

After this fantastic live show in London, we went back home, in order to compose our following album. As soon as we played at the Celtic festival, we started working without a pause. Alexandria's composing procedure goes as follows: Each one of us writes our own songs at home. I have to work on the songs twice, as the lyricist of the band is only me. Thus, I try to make my songs as complete as I can. Then, the rest of the guys send me their own demos, in which I add the lyrics. After meeting with the band, we make any necessary changes and English speaking members correct any mistakes, if they exist, as I'm no natural English speaker. Next, we spend our whole summer in Rockfield, recording the material, while sometimes we drive to Bristol if we are about to use our folk orchestra. Of course, I have to mention that we have not included this orchestra in every album, especially in more progressive rock albums.

The album had no title yet nor did it deal with any specific topic. For the first time, we had written a vast amount of songs, which outnumbered a typical album's tracks. Furthermore, after many years I managed to write music while being inspired by the world in general and not because I wanted to confess to people about something bad I was going through and because this made me upset. In this album, I also composed a song, which still remains one of my favourite ones and its name is The Life of Your Heart. When I presented it to the band, I simply said: "It's a song about your hearts". It was about pure and 'unselfish' love. And when talking about love, I'm not only referring to these cute couples, who are crossing a bridge, holding hands, and then shooting their selfies, in order to post them on Instagram. I'm referring to feelings in general. The fact that you can have a heart of your own and feel another person's heart. And during a difficult time to be able to smile, and touch the hand of a fellow man and say: "I can feel you, brother". Whatsoever, what's the point in being born? Only for feeding ourselves and not caring about anything that doesn't have to do with ourselves? I had always believed that everything is built upon feelings and that's why it hurt so much when I seemed to be completely expressionless, at least off stage. This way I wanted to make people realise how crucial it was to be compassionate, empathetic for a fellow man. And that's what The Life of Your Heart was about. And stepping on that, I ate a humble pie and thought it'd be really sweet if Lydia could sing that herself. But she wouldn't do any better. She replied to me: "There's no way I sing something so corny. Sing it yourself". I really wanted to cry, when she said that. I anyway gave the song to Dina to sing and I remember that, when giving her the lyrics to read, we suddenly heard a wail and when we turned around, we saw Dina in tears.

On the other hand, there was a specific song, which was rather upsetting and completely 'taken out of my diary', because it was about everything I had been feeling all those years and all I've been talking about in the previous chapters. Of course, I'm referring to Riders of Night, which is probably Alexandria's most popular song. The story goes like this: From a high mountain, one can see a forest, in which a row of horse riders appears every night. However, all you can see is their own silhouette and not their real face. They seem like shadows, without an identity, without a name and they don't even know where they're heading to. They seem lost, without a self and they all follow the masses, in the same way, in the forest, until the morning, when they disappear. If anyone approaches them, they also lose their own self and become a shadow, just like these horse riders.

When writing that song, of course, I didn't mean to represent Nazgul's story from Lord of the Rings, as many people assumed. In fact, the song had nothing to do with Tolkien nor any fantasy story. Riders of Night had a special meaning and one could find out about that because of its form. Sofia was the first one who realised that this song, music-wise, had no structure. She also joked about it saying that it would be a fully successful rap song if instead of lyrics, it contained a freestyle. But she actually was partially right. The song was built upon a riff I was playing on the piano, at least until its solo and its encore.

What I wanted to do was tell people all I felt about this self I had lost. That I myself felt so lost, without a personality, that I was only following the masses as if I were following these horse riders and none of us knowing where we're heading to. Also, the encore of the song contained the repeating line You don't know where you're going. However, Riders of Night's main characteristic was its solo, which wasn't played by an electric guitar, as many people wrongly assumed. It was a solo, actually composed by Vivian for a guitar, but I ended up playing it myself on the synthesizer. Anyway, Riders of Night was a song which was very popular among people and it has been performed so much live, that I dare to say that nowadays it has become really boring for me to perform.

In June, we returned to our beloved studio in Rockfield, taking our friend, Sofia, along with us. Every day we had a wide smile on our faces because we had a wonderful time with each other and we weren't feeling this wretchedness of the previous years. And the upsetting explanation for that was that it felt like Lydia didn't exist anymore. She was a member of the band only on the paper. But this, unfortunately, suited on us and I was turning a blind eye to the whole situation. Anyway, when I was in a good mood, I was walking down the stairs, singing Coco Jamboo, while when Dina herself was in a good mood, she was walking down the stairs, singing Lacrimosa. When Sofia heard her, she whispered to my ear: "Hey, this woman has a brilliant voice. I wonder why you haven't used this part of her voice yet". I told her that such a powerful operatic voice wouldn't fit in our heavy progressive rock sound. Truth be told I wasn't a huge fan of opera either, even though Dina's colour resembled more of a Broadway musical singer, so her sound was sweeter and more mellow to listen to. But she herself was also thinking that an operatic voice wouldn't sound that nice in Alexandria's songs.

Apart from recording, I was doing other things too. I didn't feel like starting to write another book, but I decided I could do something else instead. During that time, I'd started to keep my own diary. I considered, then, that there was no point in hiding from people anymore. That's why I divided my diary into two parts, which clearly described my sudden personality change within these two years. The first part was called Childhood's End (just like Pink Floyd's song) and the second one Maturity. Then, I published it, however, I changed the names of my relatives and friends, so that nobody would know that it was my own real diary. Many people liked it and many copies were sold too, however, everybody said that this is Ingrid's darkest book and the older she gets, the more cynical she becomes. They had no idea that this was no fiction at all, but my real diary!

I also used to play in the theatre, even though I had never had acting lessons. On the one hand, I'd watched my parents performing, so I had tried to get something from their acting style, and on the other hand, I knew I couldn't express myself at all in real life, so I was trying to express myself through acting. And I can say that it worked perfectly. Thus, on Wednesdays I would escape from reality, going to a café in Rosses, which was called Harvest and had a garden too. I used to eat a delicious cheesecake, sitting in the café's garden, while writing scripts for a theatrical play. And this was something like a ritual for me. This used to happen every Wednesday and during the whole week, I was looking forward to Wednesdays when I would express my whole inner world while eating cheesecake all alone in Harvest.

During the same time, I used to attend some lessons at the University, which were about Modern British Prose. This subject didn't exist in the schedule yet when I was a student myself, but I wanted to attend it so desperately, thus the professor accepted me in her class, though I wouldn't be able to sit for the exams at the end of lessons. I can still remember students checking me out and asking me if I'm a new student. One of the works we analysed was Katherine Mansfield's, Miss Brill. This work was about a woman who is desperately expecting Sunday to come because she was looking forward to going to the town's square and find herself in her own world. While reading this work, I had a little shock, because I realised that I was doing the same thing on Wednesdays. I also used to go to Harvest, to write my scripts and get lost within them. Anyway, I attended these lectures to the end and I can say I was extremely happy about that. It was also then, that I developed a passion for Virginia Woolf and I considered her to be my own alter ego and I used to make jokes with my friends that I was Virginia Woolf in my previous life!

In the meantime, we were in Wales, in order to record our next record. During the recording sessions, very often I used to take a walk in the fields on my own or along with Sofia. As I said before, my passion for nature was still there, so I was literally hugging trees at times. At some point, Sofia told me: "Oh, come on, Ingrid. You had always had two passions: trees and languages. Nothing more".

"Oh, really?", I joked. "I think I'm going to use these on the album".

The truth is that this happened indeed. The title of the album came after this joke I made with Sofia. Along with the rest of the guys, we decided to call it Arborial Language in the sense that both of these were my biggest passions. At first sight, the title seemed to be meaningless. However, some people interpreted it as if it were for the 'language' of trees and their communication system. Funnily enough, a few years later I read a book, called The Hidden Life of Trees, which was about the way, with which trees 'communicate' with each other through their roots.

I suppose these were the most relaxing recording sessions we'd ever had. And everything proceeded, as we'd calculated it. However, we'd written so many songs, that they couldn't fit in a single disc. The original idea was that we would release a disc, which would contain only these songs that would fit and the rest of them would go to our following album. However, I instantly refused and it was out of the question that I would agree with such a proposition. Every single album contains songs, which are the result of my mood or my preferences at the time of its composition. How could I have known how I would feel when composing the songs for the following album? So the next idea was that we would make a double album. And that was the best solution. Consequently, we agreed on the fact that a double album, called Arborial Language would be released in June.

During the days that we were in the studio, we were thinking about the tour and the dates we would do the shows. However, Lydia would always seem quite disinterested in the tour and she wouldn't even participate in our decisions as a band.