45. TALES FROM THE CRYPT

 

While being in the Caucasus, I filmed our fieldwork and uploaded our videos on my channel on YouTube. These videos got a lot of views and more and more people started keeping track of the band. I started to give interviews and I was even invited to TV shows, just for the heck of it, because it sounds really nice to have Ingrid Sorensen in our show, just cooking with us, without us interviewing her. However, from the very beginning, I clarified this: "If you ask me about the lawsuit, I'm off". And all this, for the following reason. After 2023, far from the fact that all journalists (almost) were asking me whether I got married (I was fed up with being asked that, probably because people leaked the fact that I had moved back to Norway), the most common subject they wanted to bring up was the lawsuit issue. This belonged to the past for me and I was really exhausted being asked about it all the time. It truly seemed like a federal state!

Anyway, The Ancestor's Voice got really positive reviews. Prog Magazine described it as a rather down-to-earth album and highly inspired by Eastern sounds. That our previous albums had a more dreamscape or atmospheric sound, which might have been reminiscent of Porcupine Tree. Many of our songs, back in the days, fitted perfectly in National Geographic documentaries. And that's true. I had millions of those magazines, as many documentary producers were asking us if they could use our own songs. As for us, not only did we agree on that, but we were feeling so honoured that we didn't even want to be paid for that. That's why, as an exchange, they would give us National Geographic magazines for free. Furthermore, The Sky Moves Backwards was voted as the prog song of the year and this made me feel really satisfied because it was the most personal song I'd ever written. It felt like a warm embrace to know that there are people out there too, who feel empathy towards you and share your pain and the same feelings with you and truth be told, I never expected this song to have such feedback to the audience. And of course, it was my last goodbye to the depressed Poet's music.

So, after our album's release, I was invited to join a community of musicians, who were composing a genre, called landscape music. In the beginning, I failed to get what that could mean and I thought it had to do with something like world music. However, the members of this group explained to me that this was a style of music, similar to a soundtrack, and it would be inspired by several landscapes, countries or cultures. I thought it really fitted me, because I, personally, would often use images or visuals as a source of inspiration for my songs. And they would work in that group as following: They would compose their own pieces, upload them in landscapemusic.org and all the income would be sent to cultures, protected by UNESCO. When I heard this, I instantly went YES!!, because I consider it to be our duty, as ethnologists, to protect endangered groups of peoples. Furthermore, some years later, I used to keep my own personal world map, in which I would point to countries, which I would visit once a year (one every year) so that I could make field- as well as charity work. In 2031 I visited a village, close to Bombay and by the sight of how people lived there, I felt my heart being torn to pieces. But this is something we'll come later to. So, I became an active member of Landscape Music community and promised to compose music, whenever I am available.

Our tour started in late September. I have to say that Alexandria decided not touring outside of Europe ever again, due to lack of time and due to age. Thus, until late 2023 we would be playing solely in Norway. Then, I got a completely different style. I dyed my hair red once again and started to wear embroidered dresses. Johanna suggested I started wearing high heels, but I cracked up and told her: "How tall can I get?".

Our tour went on in January 2024 in a few other parts of Europe. We had decided with the band not to overdo it with our old songs, but mainly focus on our new material. I wasn't that worried about the fact that people could comment that my voice wasn't similar to Dina's -of course, it wasn't-, but more about the fact that my heart couldn't keep track of the content of those songs. Even The Sky Moves Backwards felt too odd to sing and, at times, really hard. It goes without saying, that memories were still there, even though all this pain and turmoil belonged to the past. I couldn't help but still remember everything I'd been through. At least, its finale, which was composed for Dina's sake, could give me such a great relief. During that time, I was sent an article, in which a fan was trying to analyse The Sky Moves Backwards. It was a rather interesting article because the song was compared to Dante's Divine Comedy. That the song is segmented into three parts. It starts with Inferno (the heroine's suffering), it moves on with Purgatorio (where the heroine kills herself so that she can be propitiated or redeemed) and ends with Paradiso (where the heroine wakes up in the grass). I can say that this analysis had a point and was rather interesting, however, I had never read The Divine Comedy at that time, so I can't say I was inspired by this book.

During the tour, we had a very good time with each other. We were playing poker and UNO, discussing with each other and reading books. At that time, I was a fanatic reader of Horace's Odes. I'd started reading them in Latin, as I had had a Latin course at the University and I thought I could practice a little bit. However, I liked these Poems so much, that after some point I turned to English so that I wouldn't waste so much time reading them. My favourite ode was the eleventh one from the first book and it was called Ode to Leuconoe. Of course, I'm talking about everyone's favourite Carpe Diem, a motto which had a huge impact on me for very obvious reasons at that time. During the whole tour, I was bugging everybody with Carpe Diem and they just thought I'd watched this film, starring Robin Williams, Dead Poets Society. The fact was that...I'd never watched that film, at least until then. Some night, though, we sat down all together and watched it and I felt so happy. The reason why I did was that it was referring to Walt Whitman and I remembered my school years when I used to read Whitman and I was thinking that life is precious. I realised that I didn't want to go back to my teenage years anymore -- this wasn't what I was longing for in my life anymore. You just can't go back to the past, but you can instead make up your own future. And the key to that is to start accepting yourself, while if you don't like something on you, you can change it, rather than start cursing yourself about what you have become. Each one of us is unique in the universe and this is a present. And this is the issue which self-esteem is based on: that you have the ability to accept yourself with all your flaws and learn how to appreciate yourself.

So, I thought that our following album could have many influences by Carpe Diem. However, the next album was going to be millions of light centuries away. We had just completed our tour and I was feeling that my mind was completely empty. During the previous years, there was always something new, because I was conquered by feelings, which were burning in my body and I had to get these out. And now, of course, I did have feelings --indeed, much stronger than before--, but I wasn't alone anymore. I could talk to Ingmar about everything and he was always close to me.

In March 2024, I returned home. I stayed there for a month, as Easter vacations were coming. During that month, I used to go out with Anna and Ingmar, either visiting my parents or meeting up with friends I had previously lost. I was feeling that all these years I was working so hard, that I had no time for my personal life. Especially, since 2016, I had had many friend losses from my life, as I had completely neglected everyone. But, then I had also lost my own self and I was in great pain to know that everybody had started to gradually abandon me. So, when I returned to Norway, this time for good, I visited those people and deeply apologised to them. I explained to them about my past terrible mental state and told them that their old friend is back. Some of them understood and they accepted me back to their fellowship in a warm embrace. Others, though, were still mad at me and sent me away, saying that I was dead for them. Even though I was deeply hurt, I can say they were absolutely right and if I were in their shoes, I would have probably done the same. 

But the most important thing for me was that I now had my own family. Alright, Ingmar and I weren't married yet, but I was raising Anna as if she were my own biological child. And it's wonderful that Anna, Ingmar and I could share our lives. I remember that during that time, Anna was coming close to me, asking for help with Maths. So, every afternoon we used to do Maths together.

In April 2024, I got a phone call from Tracy, Vivian's daughter, who said to me this: "I think there's no point in calling, but I anyway want to inform you about the Celtic festival".

"Awesome!", I replied. "When is it?".

"On the 14th of April. Are you.....coming?", she asked in wonder.

"Of course, I am!", I exclaimed. "I'm coming along with Anna and Ingmar".

When I told the other two about the festival, Anna was jumping with joy. She has always liked Ireland and quite often she used to spend her vacations with her dad there. Before we left, I had already spoken to Jesikka about organising storytelling activities with Orchidea's Tales, along with the festival. So, we both dressed in a theatrical way and made our entrance to the festival. When people saw me, they were left with their jaws open, as nobody expected me to appear in Ireland after two long years. Anyway, I hadn't informed anyone about my plans and, of course, I had changed a lot. Also, when I was asked about Anna, I replied that she was my daughter and then I noticed that Ingmar was smiling widely.

After the festival, I was approached by Andrew, an old friend, who was a film director and he said to me: "I have to propose something. Would you like to star in a film I am going to shoot?".

I replied exclaiming: "A film? Not a play?".

"A film!", he repeated.

"When?", I asked in a laugh.

"Errr....about this time. The script is already written and I've also found the actors. And you're the only person that I can think of as a heroine".

I laughed. "Well, you know, even though I am an actress, I've never performed outside of theatre".

"Better late than never, youngster", he said. "Anyway, you have a huge talent and I have never in my life seen any actor or any actress who is able to show their feelings in such a precise way".

I almost cracked up by what he said, but he corrected his words: "....I mean when acting".

He stood up and wrote something on a paper: "Here is my phone number and when you think about it, just give me a call. Shooting start in September".

That night, Ingmar and I were having a drink and we were discussing together this proposition.

"Do you want to do this?", he asked me.

"Are you joking?", I exclaimed. "It is one of the biggest dreams of my life!".

Ingmar shook his head. "Hey, remember what we have said? Start making your dreams come true. Alright?".

I didn't reply and then he held my hand and asked louder: "Alright?".

I nodded and smiling at me, he said: "Awesome, darling". Then, I felt that our lips met, but at that time I jumped, as I heard a voice behind me: "Am I disturbing in a very personal moment?".

I turned my head back and saw Jesikka: "Jesikka!", I exclaimed. "Come have a seat with us".

As soon as Anna saw Jesikka, her eyes lit and she rushed towards her. "Would you like more jigsaw puzzles?", Jesikka asked.

Anna looked at Ingmar first and then me, but we didn't say anything. She finally shook her head negatively.

After a while, Jesikka was also having a drink with us. We were discussing Orchidea's Tales future. "I think we should settle our promises for the next year", she said.

I looked at her puzzled. "What kind of promises?".

"Come on now, Ingrid", she said laughing. "You already know how I am organising all I want to do about Orchidea's Tales. I write several things on paper, things that I want to do with you and promise myself that these will have been done by the following year".

This sounded really nice!

Ingmar had probably the same opinion, as he said: "I keep on telling her that she has to make her dreams come true. But I think it seems that something frightens her about it".

"And you are absolutely right! Anyway, don't forget that Orchidea's Tales itself was the result of your promise", she said.

I looked at her.

"Oh come on, don't tell me you forgot", she added. "That night, we all had to write our own promises for the next year. And what was yours?".

She was right! Orchidea's Tales was my own promise for the next year.

"Let's see, then", Jesikka said and pulled out a paper. At its top, she had written on big letters: LUPAUKSIA (Promises, in Finnish).

"Hmmm", I said. "We could write short stories about Orchidea's Tales".

"That's a good idea", she replied. "Though we should probably set off to someplace, where we could find our own peace. Indeed, we will get more inspiration".

"Yeah, we should set off to some deserted island", I said laughing. "Eating coconuts and living like native people".

Jesikka's eyes were lit, as she came up with an idea. "Island!", she exclaimed. "You owned two acres of land in an island, close to this place. You had also built a cabin, I remember! It's really quiet there. What do you think about going there....."

"Jesikka, forget about Arranmore", I said sadly.

"But...but why?".

"Painful story. I'll explain it all to you at some point, but for the time being just consider this island to be part of the past for me. I'll demolish the cabin at some point, but I just don't have the heart to do it right now".

"Fine", she replied. "Do you have anything else in mind, then?".

"Yes, of course! What about setting off to Greece, just the two of us? I own a cottage house in Cefalonia and we could write our stories there. We have also composed our second album with Alexandria in this place".

"Good idea", Jesikka replied. "However, we'd better go in the summer, so that we can also swim at the beach".

So, in June 2024, we set off to Cefalonia. I had a rather spacious house, which was two-storey and close to nature, so it was very cosy. Jesikka and I were writing short horror and sci-fi stories together. These weren't real stories, but mainly fictional. Fifteen days later, though, things turned out really bad. A storm hit the island and as a result, there was no way for us to leave. It is evident that Greece has never been prepared to deal properly with natural disasters. So, we were stranded, as the destruction was so huge that neither a plane nor a ship could set off. In the beginning, I started to feel really down and, as our writing was completed, I didn't know what to do. However, during the previous years, I'd learnt to accept misfortunes and always find easy solutions to problems. So, Jesikka and I found any book that was there and we started reading. In Cefalonia, we usually had horror and sci-fi books, just like the short stories that we wrote and indeed this was one of the reasons why I chose this place to work with Jesikka. My dad used to read Isaac Asimov books, whereas I used to bring a lot of Stephen King books.

As days were going by, Jesikka finally told me about her own idea: "Ingrid, what about writing a whole book together?".

"What do you mean?", I asked.

"Instead of writing two or three stories for Orchidea's Tales, we could publish a whole book consisting of about twenty-five horror and sci-fi stories. What do you think?".

"Sounds awesome!", I said.

So, we got into work. I wasn't used to writing such stories. All these years I used to write more or less about myself, thus writing something completely fictional didn't sound persuasive to me at all. However, Jesikka told me that I should have in mind these persuasive techniques, used by Stephen King or Isaac Asimov. Truth be told, I'd read so many books by Asimov at the time, that the influences were quite obvious.

By mid-August, we had completed our stories. However, we were still stranded on the island, but we couldn't do anything about it anyway. I decided that I couldn't bear idleness, so I kept on working....with music. As I said before, I was reading many Asimov books, thus science fiction had inspired me a lot. I switched on my Moogling and I started composing electronic music, not like Storms in the Darkness, that is, psychedelic ones, but songs that sounded more like 80's sci-fi film soundtracks. In the end, Jesikka and I decided on naming our book Tales from the Crypt, just like the comics. So, I had also saved my own songs on my laptop, naming the files Tales from the Crypt. Unfortunately, I didn't get the chance to complete them, as in mid-September flights were again open. However, I promised myself that this was something that should happen at some point. Jesikka said to me jokingly: "Who knows? In ten years we might be met with something earthshaking and we are again stranded".

So we made it back to Norway safe and sound and we decided that our book was going to be published in 2025. Going back home with Ingmar and Anna, I had thought of several things and taken my own decisions. So, I picked up the phone.

"Good evening. This is Ingrid Sorensen. I decided that I am going to take part in that film".

44. JOURNEY WITHOUT A DESTINATION

 

2023 was the year, that I could, at last, say that I had been happy with my life. I was surrounded by lovely people, as firstly I was still visited by my friends and my parents and secondly I was living with Anna and Ingmar. At the same time, since mid-October, I had started getting involved with the play, which I hoped would be staged during mid-2023. The transcription was now complete. I was planning to come back from the journey in the Caucasus and then, start rehearsing with the theatre group.

In mid-January, I met Collins in Rhodes island, in Greece. Although it was winter, the Mediterranean climate wasn't that cold for me, as I was used to the Scandinavian winter. In Rhodes, we hopped on a boat and reached Bodrum in Turkey. I really loved Turkey and its music, however, I was getting extremely pissed, when everybody was trying to bargain with you. Honestly, in Turkey, people were forcing you to buy anything, even if in the end they let you pay only 1 euro. Collins and I rented a car, as we had to reach the Caucasus. We had very interesting discussions all the way. As I have mentioned before, Collins characterised herself as an atheist and a Marxist and she used very powerful arguments to support her opinions. I was an atheist too, but I can't say I was a Marxist at all. My grandfather, Lauri, was a Communist, though not exactly a Stalin-friendly one. In general, my grandfather's kin had the tendency to be really altruistic, in the sense that we are all equal with one another, that's why we have to love our fellow man. Whatsoever, my grandfather's brother was a priest. Thus, when you see two brothers, and one of them is a Communist and the other one a priest, then there's some connection to it, even though Communists also often are atheists, just like in Collins' occasion. For my own part, I was always inclined to left-wing beliefs and until 2023 I was supporting Communism, exactly because I was highly influenced by my grandfather. I had also composed a relative song in our first album. However, I can't say that I had real knowledge about politics at such a young age. However, when I read a specific book, I realised that there are instincts and tendencies. That's why, not everything is a social construction, but indeed human nature plays a very important role. And of course, part of human nature is our own tendency to compete, as selfish and wicked as it might sound.

At some point, Collins told me that she really likes Greece, as she knew that my father had a Greek origin. She also told me that, whenever she drives in Syntagma, the city centre of Athens, she likes listening to Vangelis' Heaven and Hell. I smiled. Was she joking? It was me the one who liked doing this as well. I knew that Vangelis was a Greek musician, that's why, whenever I would be driving in Syntagma, I would play Heaven and Hell in the car!! I told her.

"You have diverse musical preferences", she answered.

We collected music from several villages in Turkey. I was impressed by the fact that Collins could speak Turkish and Greek. I could also speak Greek, but not Turkish. I knew only some words. However, Turkish had a common system with Finnish, which was my natural language, as both languages were agglutinative and also featured a vowel harmony. Only that, as I was told, both features were much more complex in Turkish.

A few days later, we went to the Caucasus. Or we....climbed, because, in order to get there, you need to climb the mountains. There were villages with a tradition, dating to antiquity. Their music was polyphonic and still remains pentatonic. And people were so hospitable. They didn't speak English and of course, we couldn't speak Georgian -- because now we had already reached Georgia. They had a very special way to produce wine and scientists believe that this is the place which is producing the most ancient wine on the globe. Anyway, I have to say that, even though I am a huge fan of wine and I know a lot about its production, I've never in my life tasted such a delicious wine as the Georgian. Furthermore, they were cooking a delicious cheese pie, which I also learnt to make myself.

So, in February 2023, I returned to Norway with a lot of material in my hands. I believe that this was the most meaningful fieldwork I'd ever carried out. Although we didn't travel to any other countries than Turkey and Georgia, I think that the material that we collected was enough. I didn't stay long in Norway, as I went on a small trip with Nancy in Northern Britain. Although she was living in Yorkshire, she had a cottage house in a place, called Borrowdale, which was located in Cumbria.

"Do you also have a cottage house?", she asked.

"What am I supposed to do with it?", I said laughing. "Whatsoever, my own house is a large cottage house".

"Vivian had told me that you had built a cabin on an island in Ireland".

Yes, I had. I had my 'little island'. I used to go there all the time when we were recording Mother Nature. On this island, I had bought two land acres and I had built a small hut. But I abandoned Arranmore many years ago.

"I can show you the place", I told Nancy and we set off to Ireland, where I hadn't set foot in for two years. 

Thus, I returned to Ireland, without feeling any nostalgia at all. Indeed, when I saw Ireland's fields again, I felt my chest heavy and I had a sick feeling, as my memories of the previous years arose. No, I wasn't like that anymore. Now, I was fine and anything that happened was now in the past. That's why I did a new start, so I knew I would never live permanently in Ireland again.

I showed Nancy my old house and then we headed to the harbour so that we could travel to the opposite side, in Arranmore. I would usually rent a boat after I sold mine one, and I would reach the opposite side. However, when I reached the harbour, a great surprise was waiting for me. Now, you couldn't rent a boat, but there were frequent ferry services, as Arranmore had become a tourist attraction. I was rather upset with that change, however, I accepted it and Nancy and I travelled by the first service.

Arranmore had changed. When I bought these land acres, the island was almost uninhabited. Now, not only were houses built and people were permanently living there, but you could also find cafeterias. I had even read in the local Donegal newspaper, that inhabitants of Gweedore appealed to Irish people, who had moved to the States, to repatriate and live in Arranmore. I didn't think negatively about the development of a place. I'm not one of these people who believe that rapid changes mean destruction. Quite the contrary. I like to see people moving forward and make progressive ideas real. However, the change of this particular island, Arranmore, hurt me and this, of course, is nothing but a personal issue of mine. Arranmore had been my own shelter when I believed I couldn't keep track of the real world, which I was a part of. But psychotherapy helped me learn that I don't need to find any shelter at all so that I could protect myself from people and reality. What I actually need is real communication with people I love and care about and of course to be able to make my dreams come true, without being scared at all. And the fact that I wasn't alone, when I visited Arranmore again, two years later, was salvific to my mental health. I don't know if I would be able to face watching this alone. Nancy was a good friend and made me feel safe, even though we didn't say anything to each other about feelings. Nancy and I went to see my hut. It was almost destroyed. I felt a deep sorrow and kept gazing long at it as if I were lost. I jumped up when I suddenly heard Nancy's voice: "Ingrid, shall we go? It's getting dark soon". For a moment, I forgot she was there too. "Yes, Nancy. We'd better go back".

While we were at the boat, Nancy told me: "You are upset, aren't you?".

I sighed. "I've got many good memories from that place".

Not only Arranmore was what had changed. Ireland itself was transformed in my view. And it was so funny because I was away no more than two years ago.

I returned home, in Kirkenes, with my hands full of presents for everybody. I was feeling so happy, that I wanted to show every dear person of mine how much I cared about them. Kirkenes was full of snow, just like it always used to be at that time of the year. When I opened the gate of the house, I noticed Anna outside. A tiny red beanie hat was covering her cute blonde hair. "Ingrid!", she exclaimed, when she saw me, and she rushed towards me.

"My love!", I said and held her high in my arms, giving her a kiss. Oh, I really loved that child.

When I entered home, I showed Ingmar what kind of music Collins and I had collected and he noticed how happy I'd been with our achievements. "This is what I like to see from you, youngster", he said. "To make your dreams come true".

So, I sent every music I had collected to the other members. And then, I started composing songs for our next album. The vibe was completely new to me. On the one hand, it'd been ages since I had last written music inspired by positive feelings and on the other hand, the place I was composing in, was my own house, which was located close to the place, where I was born, Kongsgambukta bay. This time, my lyrics had a more universal meaning and concerned the journey without a destination and without a map, a topic, I had an obsession with, for years. Now, I wasn't that much referring to negative feelings, nor did I feel a pain in my chest, when I was composing. On the contrary, I was full of euphoric feelings as well as love, let alone the fact that I was extremely lovesick.

The album had a much heavier sound than the previous ones, in the sense that our music wasn't inspired only by Pink Floyd, but by hard rock bands also, just like Iron Maiden. I believe that this style fitted more to me, as my voice wasn't lyrical at all, in contrast to Dina's. And of course, the album's notable feature was the fact that it was highly influenced by Eastern music. However, this doesn't mean that it didn't have Celtic elements at all. Quite the opposite! I had written two songs in a completely Celtic style: the one was called Amhrán na Chroí (Song of the heart), which was referring to the journey without a destination. It was highly inspired by Braveheart's soundtrack because I really loved James Horner. The other song was my love letter to harbour oil, but also the reviving of the memory of the deadly tsunami in Indonesia, during Christmas, 2004. Its name was Raging Oceans and it also had a Celtic style. Nancy would play tin whistles, flute and uilleann pipes in both songs. 

The album, in general, had a rather positive vibe, as far as its topics were concerned. I wasn't talking about personal experiences that much anyway. However, there was a specific song, which was the sibling of my book, Black Notebook. Its name was The Sky Moves Backwards and the title was inspired by Porcupine Tree's album, The Sky Moves Sideways. It was the longest song I had ever composed, as it lasted about 22 minutes. The story was the same that Black Notebook described. Originally, it consisted of three parts and lasted 17 minutes. However, when I sent the demo to Dina, in the States, by e-mail, she replied to me it was a masterpiece and that she's happy that our songs are getting even better, but she would be pleased if the song had a happier ending. Thus, I composed a really beautiful finale, according to which our heroine, now named Thaleia, wakes up in the grass and the sun is shining on her face. She follows an unknown path, which leads her to a completely new life. That's why now it's time we were free from wounds of the past. Even though the wounds are still open, we shall not bleed anymore. And what will save us, is the journey to the future. So, I sent Dina the new demo, changing, in addition, some lyrics, which were completely macabre and nightmarish. She replied to me, that, first, this was the best song I'd ever composed and, secondly, it had the most beautiful finale she had ever listened to my songs.

During the time we were composing our songs, in March my mum visited me. While we were sitting close to the fireplace, drinking coffee, she placed some notebooks on the table.

"What are these?", I asked.

"I found them inside a box at home".

I opened them and I noticed they were marine diaries and memoirs, belonging to my grandfather, Lauri. I took a look at them and realised that his style resembled mine so much. Probably, my mum had the same thought and she said to me: "Now I see where you have inherited your writing talent from". I smiled.

"Grandpa could see something on me", I said. "Did you know that it was me the one he talked to before he passed?".

"Really? And what did he say?".

"That I had to make my dreams come true".

My mum remained silent for a while.

I flicked through them. "Hmm, these are of great worth", I answered. "I believe they should be published. What do you think?".

"For sure!", she exclaimed.

"I'll talk to Kati and you try and communicate with your other sisters, Maija and Lina. If I don't take any permission, I can't do anything. I don't want to get involved with any lawsuit again", I said laughing.

"You're such an idiot kid!", my mum said.

A few days later, my mum told me that her sisters granted permission. So, I went to a publishing house and published the books. And this was an act, which for me honoured my grandfather's memory because to me he was the most important member of my family.

In April, I received a phone call from the organisers of the Celtic festival, who announced the dates to me. "I'm not taking part this year either", I said. "I might do next year". I didn't want to return to Ireland, not after I had seen Arranmore. It was still early and I hadn't completely get past my traumas from that place. My memories were still awake and I didn't want to have nightmares nor did I want to suffer insomnia again. However, in April I set off to Wales along with Alexandria, as we were about to record our eighth album. But, time was pressuring me so much, as I should also start rehearsing with the theatre group. This means that I couldn't be in the studio all these three months constantly. Also, time was pressuring me, because the album was going to be folkier than ever, so we should be in Bristol too, in order to record the parts of our traditional/folk ensemble orchestra. I met with the other guys and we agreed on the fact that I would be in England only at times. This way, I could also be close to my family.

During all the time we were in Rockfield, I could notice a change in relation to the previous years. To start with, that was the first album we were recording without Dina (I don't consider that Storms in the Darkness was REALLY an album), so the feeling was quite different. Now, I was on lead vocals and I didn't have to do just backing vocals anymore nor take only a few songs to sing. Furthermore, the atmosphere had a more UK aura, given the fact that three out of five members came from or were permanent inhabitants of the UK, while only Lulu and I were Norwegians. I didn't mind at all. If anything, I loved the UK so much. After Norway and Australia, it has been my favourite country.

When our sound engineer saw me, he said:

"You've become really beautiful lately".

"Are you flirting with me?", I answered back in a joke.

"Why?", he said affectionately. "Do you intend to get married already?".

He politely patted me on my back. "I'm glad you're much better now".

I was also glad that I was much better now. And the state of my mental health had as a consequence that I was meticulously taking care of myself. Christ! Back in 2023, I was a smoking hot chick and I'm not exaggerating at all. But my beauty was more or less natural. I can't say I was ever wearing excessive make-up, though I was really fond of dark eyeshadow. Even when I was in the theatre, I would use that kind of make-up. I had the beauty of an artist, who is playing lyrical drama. Sofia used to tell me that I looked like a girl, painted on a portrait of the Renaissance.

Having this kind of beauty, which suited perfectly in my acting, I returned to Norway, where I met the theatre group. I don't behave my colleagues in the theatre in the same way as I do in my band. The band wants me to be the boss about everything, that's why they are calling me their meisterin, however, this really gets on my nerves. The fact that I am Alexandria's lyricist doesn't mean that I have to be like a bogey, who should supervise everything. That's why I was rather happy that I didn't stay all this time in Rockfield. Lydia accused me of being despotic. I couldn't let her be right. At the theatre, though, things were really different. While at the theatre, I'm not just bossy, I'm the boss indeed. At the theatre, nobody shall even move, without my own permission. Of course, this doesn't mean that people are afraid of me or anything like that. If anything, we are really good friends. However, the theatre has nothing to do with the music industry. When I first started writing scripts, everybody in the theatre treated me as if I were a whore. They even tried to force me to dress in a specific style, to have a specific type of hair and they even tried to determine how I was going to write my plays. Thus, I was forced to stamp my foot on the ground and in the end, I should become the one who would give orders. It was me the one who was doing everything and giving roles to the actors. Of course, I was always open to people's opinions and if someone didn't agree on something, I was willing to listen to their own opinion. Thus, I met with the team along with Kristina. I told the rest of the guys: "Let's give a warm welcome to our new friend, Kristina. She is going to have Daisy's role".

I think that never before had rehearsals gotten that well. In general, the work had a great amount of difficulty, in the sense that it was rather dramatic, so the actors had to be very expressive. Even Daisy's role, which had a more everyday style, at the end, where she found her friend dead, required a great expressive ability. The most difficult part for me was the end, there where I, as the heroine, draw the blade and kill myself. Truly, this move, by itself, was bringing many bad memories in my mind and was making me live the same nightmare again, as in my mind there was still the picture of Eva's corpse lying on the floor. I was trying to persuade myself, thinking This is your own catharsis, but a nightmare is a nightmare.

On the other hand, there were also funny moments among the team. In that particular scene, when I have to draw the blade, the lights are off. However, once, as it was too dark and I couldn't see a thing, instead of holding the knife by its handle, I held it by its blade. So, when the lights went off, everybody heard me screaming, OWWW!!! Furthermore, during the first time we rehearsed, the actors realised that after my suicide, they'd have to carry my body away from the stage. Thus, some guy said: "What? Are we going to carry such a big weight?".

"Oh, come on, please", I said in a burst of laughter. "Last year, I lost ten kilos".

In the end, we realised that two people weren't enough to lift me up, due to my height, thus a third person was needed.

So, in May 2023 the premiere of the play took place, in which every inhabitant of Kirkenes came. I warned familiar people of mine, that they shouldn't be taken aback when they would see me die. However, I didn't warn my parents, because they were also actors and I would like to take them by surprise. Prior to the show, I was alone in the dressing room, getting myself ready. I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. I'd never seen myself beautiful before. I was wearing a long black dress with a silver belt on my waist. My hair was down and dark. I was playing along with my hair and laughed, as I remembered the discussion I had with Ingmar some days before in bed. Then, when he touched my hair and said: "Honey, why don't you dye your hair red?".

"Do you want me to be a redhead?", I said smiling.

"Me?". He laughed. "You look like a fairy in that hair".

A fairy? How sweet!

"I used to have red hair a few years ago".

"I've seen photos. It really suited you".

Then I whispered to my boyfriend: "The Poet has dark hair".

He winked at me: "When the Poet is over, dye your hair red".

"Ingrid, are you coming?", a voice pulled me out of my thoughts.

"One second", I replied. "I'm still getting ready". It was Sofia.

"Well, all I see is that you touch your hair and you are smiling. Lovesick girl".

Me, a lovesick girl? Does she think I'm just a foolish teenage girl? I would experience love with real feelings and not wishy-washy bullshit, as some other girls did.

I walked to the stage. In order to put away any anxiety, I did everything I was also doing in the other shows. You're not Ingrid now. You're the Poet, I thought.

The show was a huge success. Indeed, during the moment I drew the blade, though some people from the audience exclaimed, I didn't freak out at all. Also, in the end, when I was carried, I achieved not laugh. When the play was over and the actors appeared on stage, the applause was loud like a roar. But, when I appeared in the end, the applause became even bigger. I honestly felt so touched, because it was the best work I'd ever written and staged in my life. On the other hand, when I went off to change clothes, I came down with a feeling of great sorrow, as my mind was once again filled with nightmarish memories. During the moment I was wiping my tears away, Kristina came in.

"Ingrid, is everything alright? What's the matter with you?".

"Nothing", I said and sniffled. "I got too emotional. That's all".

"We rocked, didn't we?".

"Mmm...hmmm", I mumbled and turned to leave.

"Hey", Kristina approached me. "The play affected you, right?".

"Sort of", I said. Kristina hugged me.

The play was staged in other cities of Norway too. Furthermore, we played in Alta two nights in a row, for the sake of my beloved sister, Johanna.

In June 2023, the album and the traditional orchestra were recorded. The album cover depicted a red tent in a forest and it was inspired by a drawing, which Anna gave to me. I hadn't found a title for our album yet. However, Vivian suggested that its name be related to something primordial. Then, I jokingly replied to her that we would name it primordial soup. She burst into laughter. "I hope you're kidding", she said.

"Of course, I am", I replied.

Eventually, the album was named The Ancestor's Voice and in the credits we added Amanda Collins' name too because without her contribution there would be no album. It was released on the 18th of September, 2023.

43. A NEW START

 

Anna started school in Kirkenes, as her new house was now in Jakobsnes. And at the beginning of October, Alexandria was met with a new start, concerning the topic and the themes of the songs. In October 2022, I took Anna with me and we spent a weekend in Yorkshire, where the other members of the band were too. When they saw Anna, suddenly their mood became happier, as the youngster's presence would always cheer us up. We were in Yorkshire due to band business. And this business concerned the audition and, ultimately, hiring of this girl, who would be playing Irish pipes in the band. She was a girl, two years older than me, her name was Nancy and she had long dark hair. Our style and appearance were very common, though she had a more gothic appearance (even though she didn't look like a metalhead at all, nor had she anything to do with those people), while I had a more vintage style, of a Victorian era, mainly due to the acts I was playing on the theatre.

Nancy and I instantly hit it off. And that's a real paradox because we had completely opposite characters. I was a very reserved person and not that sociable, whereas Nancy was constantly joking around, she was trying to have small talk with everybody and in general everybody wanted to be her best friend. I can't say I was an easy-to-talk-to person at all, exactly because the older I was getting, the less typical affairs did I like to have with people around me. Either there's an honest friendship between us or we're no friends at all. And this is the second paradox as far as my friendship with Nancy is concerned. It took me ages to finally trust someone and be friends with them, especially during later years after the lawsuit. If we did in the end, I would keep people at a great distance, in the sense that I would put a limit concerning the time I would spend with them, what I would offer to them as a part of myself etc. I'm aware of the fact that this was rather selfish on my part and I don't feel proud at all about it. It's only that I've been a lone wolf and I can achieve being mentally healthy, only if I don't have any neighbours if I live in the middle of nowhere with my family and my animals if I spend as much time as I need with myself and the most important if I don't have to let anyone know about what I'm doing. Anyway, things weren't like that with Nancy. I could spend an eternity with her, fooling around, as if we were some eighteen-year-old teenagers and we could be spending time together, seeing each other's face for a whole week and it didn't matter at all. Of course, I have to say that I have always had a preference for people who come from Northern England, Scotland and Ireland, because of their humour. Furthermore, after my two past shitty years, my heart was longing for some laughter and light.

Nancy joined the band, playing the pipes, flutes, tin & low whistle. Furthermore, she accepted to bring in some additional keys. I explained to her that I had had an operation on my wrist, due to a thumb fracture, and that I couldn't play our old songs with those fast keyboard riffs that easily anymore. She replied to me in a completely normal tone: "No problem, dear". Thus, with me on lead female vocals and Bryan on lead male vocals, we got into work, in order to compose our eighth studio album. I have already mentioned above that, after the incidents of the years 2021-2022, the band changed completely, concerning the topic of the songs. After Black Notebook, I promised myself that I would never be in such a terrible mental state. Yes, all these depressing songs and books I was writing would very often help me get over my pain because I would let all this get out, at least in a paper. However, when you produce an Art, especially when you write a psychobiography, your aim is that your audience will become touched, when reading your work, so you make it as emotional as you can, often exaggerating a little bit about your feelings. I had realised that this kind of exaggeration was what would kill me. For example, in my Art, I would represent the fact that I had bad self-esteem in such a harsh way, that I would literally throw myself in the rubbish. Even in my latest book, I was a heroine who ended up killing herself. And of course, every time I would write a dramatic scene in a book, I was feeling so bad about myself, that I would break into tears. Well, I didn't want to be like that anymore. I wanted to write someone else's story and not mine. I was completely bored to keep on writing my diary, something I had been doing since Kansi was released. After all, it's completely selfish to write only about yourself, because in the end your audience will get too bored and will not be able to relate to your work at all.

Coincidentally, during this time, I had started watching a documentary about the music of Asia Minor and the rest of Turkey, Armenia, Afghanistan and in general music of the people living in this geographical area. At some point, the narrator of the documentary made the following comment: "All those people inhabit the same neighbourhood". Since that time, I would watch the documentary with great pleasure, as I really liked that statement. I knew that those people were in each other's throats, mainly due to religious differences, however, music was something that bonded them with each other. My father, as an ethnology graduate, had taught me that nobody is our enemy and we are all siblings, whereas my mother, as a biology graduate, had taught me that all people (as well as all species) come from a single common ancestor, so we are all cousins. I would really like to compose an album, which would have influences from the music of Asia Minor. Some years ago, we had made fieldwork in Mediterranean countries with the band, but we'd never been to Asia Minor or the Caucasus.

I can recall that I had invited Vivian, Bryan and Nancy to my new house. We were discussing the common features of those peoples and my motto was the narrator's phrase: All those people inhabit the same neighbourhood. Then, I suddenly remembered a professor of mine at the University. So, I said:

"Guys, some years ago, a professor of mine, who is an ethnologist, had told me that, if we ever wanted to compose an album consisting of music inspired by Asia Minor, she could help us".

"Have you still got a contact with her?", Nancy asked.

"No", I replied. "However, back then she gave me her phone number and her e-mail".

"What's her name?", Vivian asked.

"Amanda Collins", I answered.

"I do remember her", she said. "You can communicate with her. She was very fond of you back in the days".

I folded my arms and pouted my lips.

"I'm feeling shy!", I exclaimed.

Vivian burst into laughter. "Jesus Christ, Ingrid!".

"Really", I said. "I'm feeling shy. Could anyone of you do this?".

"No", she said firmly. "Your own professor and your own idea. So, you are the one who has to get her".

I sighed, however, I decided to send her an e-mail, in which I wrote who I was and that I needed some recording material. Although she herself had offered to help me a few years ago, for some reason I was feeling sure she wouldn't answer. Furthermore, this fear of mine became more intense, as days went by and I hadn't received any answer at all. Two weeks later, Anna and I went on a small trip to Disneyland, in Paris. There, I saw I had received an e-mail from Collins, in which she was writing that she was so glad to hear news from me and that I had always been her favourite student. And the most important! She suggested we make fieldwork together in the Caucasus during early 2023. As long as this was arranged, until January I could deal with anything, which had nothing to do with the band.

Even though I wasn't dealing with music at all, then again there were many things I could do. Coincidentally, during these days I received a video on my e-mail by a blonde girl with braids. In the beginning, I thought she was some foolish fan, however, this is what she said in the video:

"Heeey! My name is Kristina Jenssen and I come from Bodø. I read your book, Black Notebook [she frowned], the one with the Poet, as you were saying, and I found it to be a masterpiece. I'm an actress and I stage plays, which are highly related to your book, as far as the plot is concerned. Well, the reason why I sent you this video was, because I wanted to suggest we stage your book at the theatre and because you are an excellent actress, you should have the Poet's role. I hope you agree and I'd be rather glad if I receive a positive reply. Greetings, Kristina".

I switched off the video and burst into laughter. It was obviously a gag. How stupid did some people think I was? But even if it wasn't a hoax, this story belonged to the past for me. There were no black notebooks anymore, nor Poets, nor broken hearts and, of course, there were no suicides. Then what? Would I ever stage a play on the theatre, in which I would stab myself? To start with, people wouldn't stand watching something like this. So, I didn't even bother to answer to this pigtails actress -- if she was indeed an actress.

However, some noon I invited Jesikka and Sofia to my place for lunch. The girls love spaghetti and they have great pleasure in trying my own specialities. Then, while cooking, I said: "You can also stay for dinner if you like".

"This is impossible", Sofia said. "We have to go to a show in Alta".

"What kind of show?", I asked out of curiosity.

"A play".

"Oh! And who is the director?".

"I have no idea", Sofia said. "However, the protagonist's name is Kristina Jenssen. Do you know her?"

"No, but....".

"She's not a famous actress, but she's excellent and....".

"Is she a blonde with pigtails?", I asked.

Sofia laughed. "I don't know if she has pigtails, but, yes, she's blonde".

I told her about the e-mail and the video.

"Don't tell me that you thought it was a hoax", she said.

"Excuse me, but when something like this suddenly pops in your e-mails, where does your mind get to?".

"Don't be silly. Your book was a huge success. If you stage it at the theatre too, it'll be even a bigger success".

I looked at her right in the eyes and said seriously: "Yes, I am going to stage a play, in which I kill myself before the audience and then I'm carried away by those people who find me with a knife in my throat. Well, I believe that, if people watch something like this, they'll find themselves in a mental health clinic and I'll find myself in a prison cell".

"You're stupid", she said. "You could only show the knife and not completely show the suicide. I can get involved in this if you like. The minute you are about to draw the knife, the curtain falls. How do you like this?".

"Good idea", I said. "But....I....do I have to live this again?".

"That's another issue. On the other hand, it could help you get this over forever".

I sighed. "I'll get into contact with Kristina".

"You could send her an e-mail".

"No, Sofia, wait", I exclaimed. "Are there any tickets left for the show?".

"Yes, there are a few".

"Marvellous, I'll join you".

Thus, I would have the opportunity to find out myself whether she indeed was a good actress.

In the evening, I also went to the theatre, after I paid a visit to my sister. When I watched the show, my jaw was left wide open. Kristina was truly a talented actress, even though she had a more everyday acting and not a lyrical one. I was usually hiring actors who had something more dramatic, a Shakespeare-resembling style, a style probably coming from another era. However, my book featured a character, who suited Kristina: Daisy. After the show, I went to Kristina's dressing room, where I found a guard.

"Excuse me", I started. "I'd like to talk to Kristina".

"I'm terribly sorry, my lady. Mrs Jenssen can't accept any visit from fans".

"But she had contacted me a few days ago and she knows who I am".

"Your name?".

"Ingrid Sorensen", I said.

"Come in, Ingrid!", a voice was heard from the dressing room.

I walked in and saw Kristina. "Good evening", I said shyly.

"Welcome, my dear Poet!", she exclaimed.

I thought: Pleaaase. Don't you ever call me Poet again! Then she hugged me and I was really astonished, as I wasn't used to being hugged, let alone by strangers. After congratulating each other about our own successes, we moved to the core. We talked about turning my book into a play, something which needed a lot of time. This was clearly something I, myself, would deal with, as I was the one who had always been doing anything related to compositions. Thus, until my departure to the Caucasus, I had the hell of a work to do, as the play would eventually be staged in 2023.

42. PLEASE, YOU ARE NOT WELCOME IN MY HOUSE

I have noticed that the autumn, far from the fact that it has been my favourite season, is this period, when I have been always met with very positive changes. This doesn't mean anything, anyway, and I don't even believe there's a divine conspiracy towards me. I don't think that the universe actually cares about what I've been doing. However, in the past, it was September when major changes would happen. Also, don't forget that I decided to move to Ireland some autumn night and, of course, when I went through that major crisis concerning my band, a few years ago, I eventually changed my mind in the autumn and decided to start things anew.

So, in September 2022, my mental health was greatly improved. Then, I was already feeling ready to start working again. I had decided that in 2023 I would go to Ireland just for a holiday, but I would never live there again. Since that time, Kirkenes would be my home. And, of course, I had to move to a new house, because it was impossible for a 26-year-old girl to live opposite her parents. In fact, the latter had to happen immediately. My parents had this old-school actors attitude, in the sense that they were residing in the village for their whole life, but they also had to be easy-to-talk-to guys. There was a freeway entrance in their house and their door was always open, so people would constantly come and go. Until that time, I used to be like that too and I used to let people, especially locals, come to my place, thus my own door was open too. Even on our own website, there was my phone number as well as my home address! Lately, though, I would sometimes be annoyed by people's constant visits, because I needed peace and privacy. I don't have any problem, if people come to my place, however, please, give me a call beforehand and inform me about your visit. Don't appear suddenly in my backyard, calling me, because then I have to give up my work in the garden or writing. Thank you! The girls, of course, were an exception, because I knew they would be here every evening.

As for those, who wondered about the reasons why I stopped being so approachable to people, there was a specific reason. After the lawsuit, everybody in the village had learnt about what had happened, thus the number of people, who were first visiting me, had suddenly become ten times larger and they all had a single aim: to become informed in more details about an issue, which, as I have mentioned before, exploded, exactly because a law issue cannot be solved through talking. And in the end, I was to blame for! The lawsuit issue had, thus, become a federal case and locals couldn't (and didn't want) to believe that their girl was in such big trouble, so they wouldn't stay out of my face. I wanted everybody to stop dealing with that issue, because, for my part, it cost me a lot; not only in terms of time but also in my mental health too. For a whole year, I was on and off to hospitals, because I couldn't realise why all this was happening. I was feeling as if I was harshly punched in my nose and hearing people asking me about this issue was reopening my wound. And this wound didn't only have to do with the fact that I was forced to sue my, once, best friend, but also with the fact that people were pointing their finger at me, saying it's your own fault as if this was something I had created alone. I have to say again that the lawsuit idea was not mine and if we examine this in-depth, the rest of the guys were pressuring me to decide on things I didn't want to, only because otherwise we would be totally destroyed. Thus, asking a deeply hurt person about what happened one year ago, is nothing but a nerve-hacking war. And the worst nerve-hacking war was the fact that I was asked, whether I had regretted the fact that I also formed a lawsuit, accusing those unspeakable people about even worse things and demanding my money back.

No! I hadn't regretted it at all. Not at all! As one makes their bed, so they must lie on it. And even though, I don't believe in any divine justice, I am deeply sure that vagabonds, in the end, bite the dust and a victim will get justice. For years, I used to be the victim, as I was abused verbally so harshly by our beloved singer plus she also tried to lure me into following illegal means, which is one of the reasons why I was feeling so bad about myself. After that, it took a whole year until I could eventually reach out of my house and it's not only my mental health to blame for it. Even if I were healthy, I couldn't meet anyone, because everybody, who would meet me, would swear on me, just like the messages I received after the incident. Consequently, I had to find justice somehow, to get my own back. I had to fight the fire, lighting a larger fire. The sadist wasn't me, as many people said, but the ones who started the fight. Yes, Lydia and I were constantly in each other's throats, but people can't really know what has caused all this. People weren't present and can't be aware of personal details, which of course, back then, I didn't want to talk about, exactly because it was nobody's business to know what problems I had with Lydia and Lars. So, you are not allowed to ask me if I have reconsidered the fact that I replied by a lawsuit and public accusations, since she lit a fire first, as she herself stole a million and a half euros.

Except for what was happening, one more incident made me become forced to shut my door. At the beginning of September, Ingmar called me and asked me for a favour: 

"I need to go on a tour with Raglan Hundred in three months. I can't take Anna with me".

"Don't worry", I replied. "We can stay together at my place".

"Can you take her to Kirkenes?".

"Of course, although....I'm considering moving to a larger house soon".

"Are you leaving Kirkenes?", he asked.

"Not even kidding!", I exclaimed. "It's only that, in fact, I am living in a house, which my parents have offered to me and..."

"I understand", he said giggling. "You want to move to your own place".

"Exactly. And I'm afraid that Anna will have a hard time during the moving".

"I don't think so", he said. "She'll help you too".

What kind of help could a six-year-old child provide to a move? Furthermore, I had a lot of work to do, as my house wasn't built yet. I was glad that I would spend three months alone with Anna. However, how should I treat her? As long as Ingmar and I were a couple and Anna his daughter...I had to treat her as if she were my own daughter too, and not just a child I was taking care of, like a babysitter. Could I really do this?

A few days later, Ingmar came home with Anna. My parents hadn't known him at all, thus it was then when they met for the first time. It goes without saying that I didn't go to my parents' house along with Ingmar and Anna, because it was always full of people and who knows what they would start saying afterwards. I didn't have any problem with the fact that Ingmar had a child, however, this issue was a great taboo in a village. Locals had known me since I was born, and if they leant about Anna, they would chase me around from dawn to dusk. This was an extra reason, after the lawsuit, why people should mess around with me! Therefore, I told Ingmar we should be aware of our actions and be really discreet because in this village (as well as in every village) gossiping was a big issue.

Ingmar spent the night at my place "It's a shame you're leaving", he said. "This is a nice house".

"I'm moving to a better one. And the three of us will live there", I replied.

The rest of the days went smoothly. Indeed, Ingmar was right and Anna always wanted to help. People weren't coming to my backyard anymore until we went to the supermarket. At some point, Anna and I went to the supermarket, so I could buy some things for the child and one local from Bjørnevatn saw us. After greeting me, he said: "I didn't know you had a daughter". After this fact, I bought anything I needed as fast as could and Anna and I left the supermarket as quickly as possible. Since that time, the whole hullabaloo started. People used to visit my parents and seeing that my own door was slightly open too, they used to pop their head in and say: "Shall I enter?". I would politely send them off, telling them I was too busy and that I was waiting for Sofia and Jesikka. Other times, they would see me working in the garden and they would stand next to me. I wouldn't pay any attention to them, as if they weren't there at all, but they were so persistent to learn, that they would start making indiscreet questions, like: Did you get married? When did you have a child? or How old is the youngster? etc. In the end, I got so pissed that not only was my door completely shut, but I also had a short discussion with my parents. I privately told my mother: "I'm moving to a new house in a while. I don't give a damn if your door is open to everyone. I have my own privacy and you know that, since Lydia's lawsuit, everybody messes up with me all the time. Nobody will ever enter my house again unless I say it. Are we clear?" My mum, of course, had the same opinion and believed I was right, however, what could she do, when other people were so rude and indiscreet? Anyway, I think she talked to the locals because nobody ever bothered me again.

Soon, my new house started to become built. Its location was very important to me. I didn't want to keep on living in Bjørnevatn, the village where my parents are living. I wasn't bothered at all by that village. If anything, I had been living there, since I was twelve and I knew every local, at least, in the region where my parents' house was located. Of course, literally speaking, you can't know two and a half thousand people personally, that is Bjørnevatn's total population. So, I wanted to live in a place, literally in the middle of nowhere, but not away from any signs of life. That's why I returned to my roots. I moved to Jakobsnes village, which was 16 kilometres away from my parents' house and the centre. For those who don't know, Jakobsnes is the village in which Kongsgambukta bay is located, the place I was born in and lived during the first six years of my life. My memories, though faint, remained vivid and this place had always remained in my heart. Thus, I was always considering that, if I ever build my own house in Kirkenes, then I'll choose Jakobsnes, not only because of reviving my memory but also because it's a village of 270 people. Bjornevatn's population was ten times bigger!

If you noticed, I wrote about if I ever build my own house and not if I ever have my house built. And there's a special reason for that. Starting from the beginning, I have to say that the architect was an old classmate of mine, while the builder is a distant cousin. However, for everything that happens in my house, I always like to stick my nose. That's why, except for my cousin, I was also building with my bare hands, as weird as it might sound. It was rather hard and time-consuming work, however, after some time the house was ready. It was a three-storey house, more than 400 square metres and it wan't easy to find it at all. That's why I was rubbing my hands with pleasure. It wasn't located in the street, like my parents' house. I've also mentioned before that it was built within urban design, but outside of a community and it really looked like an enormous Norwegian summer cottage or hut (a hytte). It was located on the edge of an unknown dirt road and behind the house, you could see the forest as well as Tennvatnet lake. It was the best place to live. Nobody could bother me there.

At the end of September, I had moved, also taking Anna with me. Jesikka and Sofia were the ones who helped me with the transportation of all my stuff. I also needed to carry my piano and any paintings, trinkets and presents people had made me all these years, in my new house. Who knows where I would stuff all these things into?! However, as the house was large enough, I would probably have an extra room for all these. After the move, I told the girls that they could still visit me, whenever they want. However, things suddenly turned too official. I mean that they would never bump suddenly into my door, but they would always inform me prior to their visit, even though they were some of the very few people who knew my new address. They respected my wish to leave me alone with my daughter, but this seemed really strange to me. I didn't say anything, as I would also enjoy this kind of solidarity far from people's eyes and furthermore I didn't have so much time for this ol' carefreeness, as I was now taking care of a child. However, I felt that all of us had suddenly grown older and it was high time we made our own families. Whatsoever, I was 26 years old and the girls were already 30!!!

On the other hand, when I moved to my new house, I became much more active, as far as handwork is concerned. While before, I used to spend hours and hours before the PlayStation or writing books and songs, now I had started to make things with my hands. Probably, building my house was motivational for me so I wouldn't be resting on my laurels. The girls were visiting me and....we were living as if we were teenage girls!! We were cooking all the time and we were eating, so that we were completely full and after some point, we all realised we had put some weight on. My weakness was spaghetti with tomato sauce as well as Carelian pies. Indeed, only the Finns who lived in the village could make delicious pies and it seemed really strange to them that I, though a Norwegian, knew how to make these. Moreover, the girls and I liked making weird hairstyles to each other or wearing such bizarre eye makeup, as if it were Halloween. But we didn't care. Madness was in our blood and we wanted to see the rainbow after the storm that had come upon all of us during the previous year.

Also, the girls really loved Anna. Back then, the little kid loved drawing and doing anything related to design. Most little children love drawing because it enhances their imagination and of course it helps them express their inner world, as they cannot achieve that through writing yet. However, since a very young age, Anna had a special talent for drawing, which her father hadn't noticed until then. But when Jesikka did, she brought her a painting book, in which she had to put the correct colours, as well as a jigsaw consisting of a thousand pieces. Anna was really excited about Jesikka's presents. We agreed together that she wouldn't be drawing more than one picture a day so that her book would last long and wouldn't finish immediately. We placed the puzzle on the great carpet in the living room and the youngster was making it step by step. Every time I saw her sitting there, my heart was full of joy.

During the time, when Ingmar was on the road, Anna and I created a strong bond with each other. I actually remember one morning, when I woke up at 11 o'clock in the morning and still with my pyjamas on, I walked to the kitchen, only to find Anna drinking milk, eating cereals. 

"Good morning, youngster", I said. "I see that you made breakfast by yourself".

"Yeah", she told me. "These corn flakes are delicious. Dad used to buy the same in Lakselv".

I smiled. "Do you miss life in Lakselv?".

"Not at all! I'm so happy that daddy found me a new mum".

I froze up. Was the new mum....me??

"Anna, what are you talking about? No single woman can ever be your real mum".

"She's not my mum", she said and I saw a bizzare strictness for a child in her eyes. "She's dead".

"Yes, but this doesn't mean that she didn't give birth to you. Your real mum is her".

"Ingrid, I don't remember her. And she didn't love me".

"Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. Every mum loves her child, that's why I'm sure that she also...."

"She didn't love me! I know!", she yelled. "She killed herself!".

I sprang up. "W-who said this to...to....you?", I stuttered. "That....that....she killed herself?".

"Grandma", she said. "Mum's mum".

Christ, what kind of people do exist in this world? How could one put in a child's head that their mother killed herself? You can't tell such a thing to a child, even if it's true. Why make a child hate their mother?

"If she loved me, she wouldn't have killed herself", she added.

I didn't reply, because I was so shocked by what I heard. But then she went on: "Ingrid, I want a new mum. Don't ever break up with dad". Then the child started sobbing.

"Hey, hey, come here", I said and held her tight in my arms. "Don't cry. I love dad, as I love you too. You don't need to be upset, alright? The three of us will live happily, because we are a family".

She sniffed her nose: "Do you really love dad?".

Did I really love Ingmar??? Since I saw this man in the hospital for the first time, that afternoon, my heart started beating like an orchestra drum. I adored this man. To a great extent, he saved my mental health, because he made me smile after years. Years had passed until I stopped having these shitty, dark feelings and he made me break the stalemate. For him, there was no dead end, but everything was a decision, a goal, a wave, in a PlayStation video game, as he has always told me all these years, which you had to achieve, in order to move to the next level. If you set a goal, you can achieve it only by trying. Nothing is difficult, if you are decisive to make your dream come true. Such a person is Ingmar. Such a person, that if you ever fail, he goes Never mind, baby, we'll try again, meaning that he would try along with you. He never let me work on something hard by myself. He was always next to me, either encouraging me or working along with me. That's why, when he learnt that I had built the house all alone along with the builders, he was so upset for not being next to me and help. Of course, I couldn't tell Anna all my feelings about her father. However, I managed to reply: "I'll be loving your dad, until I close my eyes. And you shall know that you have the best dad in the world".

"Mum didn't love him", he said.

I sighed. "I don't care, my love. I do", I said. What kind of pricks could fill the child's heart with such hatred about her mother? I believe that her mother was an unfortunate girl, who reached a dead end due to her depression. You can't blame a dead person --to start with, it's immoral because a dead person can't defend themselves--, let alone a girl, who reached a point in killing herself. I had also gone through that phase. I knew what it meant for you every time to be wishing you are dead soon while lying on the floor, counting the minutes when you will eventually stop breathing and your heart will stop beating. So for me, there was no jealousy issue towards Ingmar's ex-wife. And truth be told, I didn't even know this girl, so I cannot judge her at all. But, if grandma accused her daughter to the child, then I believe that Anna's mum had a really disrupted relationship with her mother and who knows if her depression and in the end her suicide had to do with this relationship. But anyway, to cut the story short, I'd like my children to grow up in a carefree, almost innocent, environment, exactly as I did. That is, I wouldn't like to lie to them about the facts, but not scare them either, by saying exaggerations and monstrous fables. Anyway, you must pay attention to what you say to a child, according to their age. I wouldn't like my children to grow up, living in a nightmare, full of scars, which they will not overcome by psychotherapy either. That's why I, and of course Ingmar, protected Anna from such toxic people, providing her with affection and care. And in such a way, Anna became my daughter.   

Furthermore, since I moved to Jakobsnes, I started feeling completely free. And this is related to the fact that nobody knew where I was living, nor could they ever watch me. I could do literally anything I wanted, without caring about other people's comments. All this time, I was trying to find my true self, I was trying to be carefree, but at the same time an active person. So, one day Anna and I would spend time together sitting on the carpet, wearing our pyjamas all day long, building her jigsaw puzzle and telling stories. The other day, though, we would be out in the garden or we would be building some furniture for our new house. Thus, I had started putting my life into order, in contrast to the chaos I was living in back in Ireland. And this is something I greatly owe to the advice as well as the playful games about work-life balance that Ingmar and I had invented together.

41. TRIPPING WITHOUT DRUGS

 

Days were going by and I was living my love life with Ingmar. And for the first time, after eleven long years, I could say that, at last, I was satisfied with a relationship. I was feeling that this relationship was healthy and nobody pretends that everything is alright, only to keep it going. There was real love and honesty between us. The only relationship, in which I was feeling fine, was the one I had with Josh, eleven years before. Since Josh, not only was I changing boyfriends, as if they were clothes, but I was also getting involved in affairs, only because I didn't want to be lonely. Thus, I was feeling that someone was by my side, however, in the end, all this was completely fake. I was once again lonely. It is just like the scripts for the plays that I write, where I imagine a completely fake reality. I have known very well how to do this since I was nine years old. Exactly because I didn't have any friends, back then, I used to make stories with people all around me.

Of course, now I did have friends and moreover, I had lately started to be in girl groups, something that I would never do before. Dina, Jesikka and Sofia were constantly at my place, since 2021 when I returned to Norway. Normally, Eva was also in our company, before she killed herself. However, even though I would be close to people all the time, I would once again find communication through scripts. What I mean to say is, that you shouldn't imagine that I would only sit down and write scripts for plays, just like I was doing back then in Harvest. In Harvest, I would only find peace and this was the best thing for me. Scripts were coming to my head when I would escape from the real world. And that was the reason, why I liked going out for a walk by myself, listening to (usually instrumental/orchestral) music and even better, playing video games for endless hours. However, this was something I hadn't instantly realised about myself. Some afternoon, during June 2022, the girls had paid me a visit. I was playing video games while thinking of scenes for supposed theatrical plays. Then, I heard Jesikka saying in a loud voice: "Ingrid!"

I sprang up from the sofa: "You scared me to death and I almost missed", I complained.

"I had no other choice", she replied. "I already called you three times and your mind was elsewhere. Probably you were fully immersed in the game".

I laughed. "It's not what you're thinking. I was thinking about other stuff".

"And where was your mind was travelling this time?".

"There where it always does", I replied. "I was thinking scenarios for some supposed play".

Jesikka burst out in laughter: "Ingrid, I admire this ability of yours".

"Which ability?", I asked.

"You know that many people struggle to escape from reality because their life is so shit, that they want to disappear at least for a few hours".

Oh, this reminds me of something!

"That's why they start getting involved with excessive alcohol or gambling", I said, trying to defend myself, in the sense that I had nothing to do with something like that.

"Or drugs".

"Of course", I exclaimed. "They trip to death, in order that they can live in a more reassuring reality".

"This is what you also do", she told me.

Uh-oh! Did she know anything about the pills? I looked at her frightened.

"Without drugs, though. You are tripping, without using drugs. This is who you are; a tripper! And this is something so marvellous. So many people are trying to escape from reality and they can't achieve this nor by substance usage and you....are able to do this, whenever you like it, only because at any time given you can open a door in your mind".

"You're right, Jesikka", I said in a sly smile.

I was indeed tripping, without drugs. However, this wasn't so marvellous and amazing, as Jesikka would describe it. Jesikka had no idea about how I was feeling. I was feeling that my thoughts were stealing my life and that I was trapped in my own head. And exactly for the reason why I couldn't say out loud anything I was thinking about, I pretended to play my thoughts somewhere. I felt that this had to stop somehow, otherwise I would turn into a paranoiac. And even though, during later months, my situation was improving and I was feeling freer, I wasn't able to solve that issue. I had truly started to accept Ingrid. To accept my flaws and failures. However, I was living two lives: One of the real world and the other one of my books and plays. And this didn't let me move on for two reasons.

First of all, when I would be met up with some difficulty, I would hit a wall and I would find a shelter there. Then, I was thinking that I will just let go of whatever has happened, simply writing down my thoughts, that is writing dialogues in the scripts of my plays, about how I could have dealt with the situation. However, I wouldn't ever express out loud anything I wanted to say. It would be really good for my mental health if I could talk about anything that troubles me, just like I was doing in Escape Room and not keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself. I was indeed able to do this in Escape Room and it went quite wonderful, however in a real situation, I would never be able to talk to people in front of their face. And this is an issue, I've referred to in all previous chapters. Remember that I've never talked to anyone to their face, nor did I swear on them. And if I did, I would afterwards feel like a fish out of water.

The other thing is that, by only writing my wishes, I was nothing but static. I would never achieve anything, as there was no reason to do that. And probably that was the reason why I felt I had no balance anymore. Exactly because I would never make my dreams come true. I knew that those dialogues made me get out everything I was feeling inside, so after that, I was feeling completely empty. That's why I had started reconsidering what we were told in University about the relationship between the author and their heroes. In my own case, the heroine was me. One can tell I was writing my own diary or my own autobiography. And this story I've been writing now has no big difference from my previous works. You could say that its only difference is the fact that I use the real names of the characters.

                                                              ****************************

Our seventh album was met with such a failure, that there was no point in promoting it with a tour. Whatsoever, we weren't ready to go on the road yet, due to my mental health. I had even stopped playing in the theatre. Also, in June, Scott was the next member, who announced their departure from the band. Before we got the chance, though, to grouse about the second loss after Dina, Bryan told us he had a friend, who was playing uilleann pipes, tin whistles and flute. She was also playing synthesizers and was singing.

"Bear her in mind for the time we'll have to go to the studio", I said. If this girl agreed to join the band, she would solve our problem. But what would happen with Uaithnia? Who was going to play the pipes? And I didn't either want to let an, then, unknown girl join such a personal project of mine.

Furthermore, that June, Dina released her first solo record, which I instantly bought. The language was Norwegian and the music completely acoustic. Yes, I knew that style. I can remember Dina's compositions in the band. Afterwards, a small tour followed in Norway. What's more, I went to Dina's show in Fjellhallen, Kirkenes gym. It was the first time, after a whole year, that I sneaked out of my house, in order to attend a public event. I also encountered many people from Bjørnevatn, my home village, where I was living, however, I was so embarrassed to meet them after a whole year. Anyway, Dina performed with Marko and was also playing acoustic guitar. I felt really emotional when she said on stage: "A big hand for my friend, Ingrid, who is in the audience tonight" and even more emotional, when she performed Riders of Night as well as Once Upon a Time in Autumn in the end. It truly felt completely different to be in the audience and see your old singer do her own compositions, let alone songs that you yourself had written while being in deep emotional unrest.

While listening to those songs, I started to realise that I had gradually distanced myself from such situations. I had started to get past those feelings and when looking myself in the mirror, I had started to see Ingrid's face and not what I would describe in Riders of Night, Once Upon a Time in Autumn and similar depressing songs. After Dina's show, the three of us went out for dinner. While being at the restaurant, Dina told me: "I have two good news. Well, we have". She looked at Marko and giggled. Then, I thought that they are getting married and Dina is pregnant, but I didn't dare to ask anything, because in case neither of the two was happening, my question would be really uncomfortable for the couple.

"Oh, tell me", I answered.

Dina showed me her left hand. "We are getting married!".

"Really?", I said in enthusiasm. "When?".

"In two weeks".

"So quickly?", I asked.

"Yes, because we're moving to another place".

"Where to?", I exclaimed.

"That's the second news".

"What do you mean?".

She smiled and whispered: "Ingrid, I was accepted in Broadway".

I almost choked on my food and screamed: "Wow! Really?".

"Yes! I'm so excited!!".

"Me too!", I exclaimed. "So, you're moving to New York".

"In a month we will have moved there".

"Awesome!", I said. But...if they were moving to the States, when would I ever see Dina again? As if she had read my thoughts, she hugged me and said: "I'll miss you".

"I'll miss you too. But....we'll be in contact, right?".

"All the time! And I promise. I will always have time for you".

I felt so emotional, that I wanted to cry, so I also hugged her tight. I thought, Say it now. It's your chance. Like a miracle, I burst out of my mouth these words: "Dina, you are my best friend. Nobody has ever supported me the way you did".

She smiled. "You know that I will always stand by you. And I'm so glad to see you better and your health improving. I know that now I can leave, being aware that things are turning for the best".

Dina and Marko got married on the 15th of June, 2022 and the wedding took place at the town hall of South Varanger, in Kirkenes. Five days later they set off to New York. In early July 2022, our last meeting with Escape Room took place. Hanna could say that we were ready to move on with our lives and find ourselves. Now, all of us were away from that phase, in which we were, when we had first joined the group, as we wanted to kill ourselves back then. However, this summer, we had to shoot a video, in which we would talk about ourselves. In this, we would talk about anything we were saying in Escape Room. Our deadline was until September. I didn't want to be the first to make the video, that's why I was expecting to see the video of another girl, first.

Natali, the girl, who had lost her daughter, was the first to make a video. I watched it in segments, as I couldn't stand watching it from the beginning to its end in a single day. She started showing her family and how she would spend time with them. Then, her family spoke about Natali. In the second part, Natali was talking about the way she grew up. I watched the third part with Jesikka. And the sole reason was that Jesikka happened to be passing in front of the screen, while I was watching the video, so she sat next to me. This was the most important part, as Natali was talking about the reasons why she joined Escape Room. She was talking about her negative feelings, her daughter, her self-esteem etc.

"Very upseting video", Jesikka said.

"All girls have to do something like that", I answered.

"What about you?".

"I see no other choice".

Until mid-August, I had watched the videos of two more girls. The other three weren't made yet: mine one, Anette's and Kirsten's. Ultimately, on the 10th of August, I also decided to shoot my video, telling the whole truth. Even though I talked about my parents, mentioning that I was so inspired by the fact that they were both excellent actors, I refused to show my family on camera, in contrast with what the other girls did. My family was a completely personal issue and I had to set a boundary there for everybody. However, I showed my whole lifestyle, about the way I was composing music or writing stories. I showed myself playing the piano, working in the garden, playing video games and in general, everything that was part of my daily routine. Later on, I talked about all my problems and the fact that my self-esteem and my perfectionism had made me try to commit suicide. And in the end, I referred to a subject, which I had never talked about before in sessions and I talked about it for the first time on the video. I'm referring to the fact that I was tripping without drugs, as Jesikka would say. And after the latter confession, the video would come to an end.

In September 2022, when the videos of the other girls were shot too, I took mine and uploaded it on YouTube. Thus, I knew that there was nothing I could hide from people anymore and that I was only telling the truth

40. STORMS IN THE DARKNESS

The first thing I did, when I woke up the next morning, was to pick up the phone and dial the number +4781533300. I heard a woman's voice in the other line, saying:

"Suicide hotline. How can I help you?".

"Good morning", I said quietly. "My name is Ingrid....and last night I tried to stab myself to death".

"Please, talk to me with more details".

I talked to her about the whole situation, starting from my two suicide attempts, Alta's mental hospital, Lyrica pills prescription, the club, in which I was playing psychedelic music, my friend who was taking LSD drugs, the psychedelic songs, that I was composing, Eva's suicide and the fact that I wanted to throw my story into the fire, so I wouldn't have to kill myself.

"Which psychiatrist prescribed Lyrica pills to you?", the woman asked.

"Hanna Arendal", I answered.

"Then, I suggest you talk to Mrs Arendal at first or call Alta's clinic again. And if you need any more help, you can call back again here".

Oof! I couldn't take more hospitals. I wanted to be at home. I phoned Hanna and asked her to visit me in the afternoon at my own place in Kirkenes. She asked me a lot of stuff about what made me want to harm myself again. I told her I wanted to get rid of my story and that I tried to burn it, but in the end, I didn't have the nerve to do it. Finally, for the first time I was able to talk about the story itself, why I was writing it and for which reasons I was feeling it was killing me.

"You are this author, aren't you?", Hanna asked.

I shook my head. "I am only an author. An author can never be the hero as well. This is something we've been taught at University....".

"We are not having a Literature discussion", she said. "I'm talking to you in terms of psychotherapy. What's wrong with your books? Why do your heroines die in all of them?".

I sighed and didn't talk for a while. "Difficult question, isn't it?", Hanna asked.

"Not that....", I stuttered. "It's only...Yes, all of my heroines depict....not me, personally....but, in a way, what I've been doing. The fact that I'm an artist, for example. After a while, I feel that what I'm writing is really dull, really boring. All I mean to say is....", I stopped.

Hanna looked at me: "What? Don't you like what you're writing?"

I laughed nervously: "Not at all. I hate my books and that's why I hate my heroines. Maybe....I have to say that....my heroines in a way show my own self....which I hate", I said quietly.

"You do, Ingrid. Just say it. It's the truth".

"Alright", I said decisively. "I hate myself and I depict myself in my books through my heroines, whom I kill in the stories".

"Because you want to harm your own self. And you can't do this in reality".

"Exactly", I said.

"And now the book you're writing shows exactly what you've been doing all these years. An author who's killing her heroines. Why did you want to burn your book?".

"It would be a redemption to me. Salvation of my soul".

"In other words, a catharsis".

"Exactly", I exclaimed. "A catharsis".

"And how exactly was it going to be a catharsis for you?".

"I would kill the Poet....inside me".

Hanna looked at me in a frown: "The Poet?".

"Her real name is Thaleia, however, it is referred only once at the beginning of the book. For the rest of the book I only call her author or Poet. She's my own Poet".

"And how is this related to you?".

I laughed. "We've been talking about this all the time, Hanna. These were the reasons why I wanted to kill myself. I have no name, no self, no face. I'm nothing but a shadow of my own self. Nobody calls me Ingrid anymore. Everybody calls me composer, Poet, pianist....shall I go on? The list goes on, anyway".

Hanna didn't say anything.

"My own self doesn't even recognise me in the mirror".

"Ingrid, you don't need to burn your book. Publish it and you'll overcome the....syndrome of the Poet"

"Oh, really?", I said in a frozen tone. "I do the same thing with every book. And every time things get even worse".

Hanna sighed. "Then kill your heroine in the book. Kill the author herself".

"What?", I exclaimed.

"Make her kill herself. All you wanted to do. Your author will kill herself and you'll live. Then publish your book".

I looked at her and said: "Is that a catharsis?".

"You've got nothing to lose. Whatsoever....it's a quite subversive ending to a novel. People expect to read about the death of a person and in the end, it's another person the one who dies".

Then, we were sitting by the fireplace, drinking coffee and she said: "Shall I listen to your songs?"

"They're not completed, yet", I said.

"I don't care", she replied. "I would just like to listen to them".

I played a few demos to her and she replied: "How did you get such an inspiration?".

I was looking away and said: "I increased the dose of Lyrica pills".

"What?!", she exclaimed. "Ingrid! These are drugs and cause hallucinations. You're not allowed to take more than three every day. Why didn't you inform me? Do you want to see me behind bars or see yourself in a psychiatric hold again?".

"I'm sorry", I said.

"How many of them are you taking every day?", she asked.

I didn't answer.

"How many of them are you taking every day?", she yelled.

"Six, ok?", I said.

"For goodness sake! Anyway. Try to cut it gradually, ok? But not sharply. I'd like you to end up taking half of a Xanax pill every day. Alright?".

"Alright", I replied.

Weeks went by and I could gradually start cutting down pills. During mid-March, Hanna made me join a psychotherapy group along with six other girls. The group's name was Escape Room (the name was obviously inspired by the live puzzle-solving games), as, through it, we were trying to escape from everything that was torturing us, by talking our problems through. One of these girls gave birth to a dead baby, while her daughter killed herself at the age of 16. I felt really sorry about her and thought that these were much more serious problems than the ones that I had. Maybe then, I should have started considering other people's pain and suffering and not only caring about myself and my feelings.

My 15 psychedelic songs were now complete, however, I didn't know what to do with them. And I didn't either want to make a solo album. So, I called Vivian and as soon as she heard my voice, she said: "Ingrid! You sound better!".

"Yes", I replied. "I feel much better. I've joined a psychotherapy group along with some other girls".

"And does that help?", she asked.

"Of course, it does! For the first time ever I am able to talk about my feelings. I mean, talk....not just write countless pages".

"Are you joining.....the Celtic festival?", Vivian asked.

"No", I said in a chilling tone. "Ireland belongs to the past for me. Ireland caused such an imbalance to me. It's time I changed my lifestyle. And as far as Orchidea's Tales is concerned, I can keep it going in Norway".

"Yes, I understand", she said. "And how's music going?".

"That's the reason why I called you. I have composed fifteen short pieces of experimental music. I don't know what to do with them. I don't want to release a solo album, nor can we release them as a band".

"Can't this be our seventh album?".

"I have completed everything. You won't even be playing music at all".

"Is everything electronic music, played by synthesizers?".

"Yep", I said. "I find it to be completely unfair to you if you're just there doing nothing".

"Look. If the other members are ok with that, record it yourself and we can release the album under Alexandria's name".

When I talked to the other guys, they told me there was no issue with this at all. So, I sent the demos to them, in order to hear their opinion as well. They told me that truly what I had composed was very extraordinary and there was nothing to lose by releasing the album. For two long weeks, I was recording the songs on my synthesizer. I didn't go to the studio and I didn't work with the other members nor anybody else. I mixed and mastered the album myself at home, as long as I was mostly recording with Ableton. When I completed everything, I sent the album to the band along with the cover and the name. I called it Storms in the Darkness and the cover was Johanna's sketch, which depicted this huge crystal. I avoided answering any question related to the album's cover, only saying that I was too stoned to remember.

Storms in the Darkness was released on the 2nd of April, 2022....and it was a total failure. It didn't even enter the charts and most magazines, including Prog, described it as Alexandria's worst album. It was described as an album, without coherence, without sense, but just random sounds and nothing but noise. And this is what it was, indeed. I never believed it was something of quality. I just needed it that moment. And this result proves what I have always been saying about the way, in which I compose music. That is, I cannot write anything out of context. For example, I can't play a random melody and if it sounds good to my ears, then I record it. That's why, I'm not one of these musicians, who listen to a melody, while dreaming, and wake up in the middle of the night, rushing on the piano, in order not to forget the melody. I'm not creating a collage of sounds. I was an author first and then I became a musician. Thus, the way, in which I write music, is the same way in which I write books. If I work in a different way, the result will be a failure, just like in the case of Storms in the Darkness.

Furthermore, I don't know if this had to do with Escape Room and the fact that Hanna was slightly teaching me how to accept myself, as I was, but the failure of our seventh album didn't get me down at all. Under other conditions, I would feel completely useless and that I couldn't even write an album. But now I thought that it didn't really matter if I failed. Maybe we shouldn't be so strict with ourselves and do everything perfect. Maybe good enough is also ok. And of course, maybe we should be able to forgive ourselves and not blame ourselves for everything. Putting the blame on yourself doesn't help you move on and become a better person. On the contrary, it makes you have a completely bad picture of yourself and that's why you end up with very bad self-esteem. Maybe, in the end...if we accept our failures, we learn to recognise our mistakes and not make them again. This way, we learn through our mistakes.

Even though I was met with a failure, I soon started to become very successful. And now I hoped I could be looking at myself in the mirror every morning and say I am Ingrid Sorensen. I wouldn't be this shadow anymore, one of the faceless riders, who wander around at night lost, without a name, as I was saying in Riders of Night. I would have an identity.

I would, anyway, find my identity, when I wouldn't be called the Poet or the girl in the black 'n' whites anymore. The following days, I rushed on solving that issue. I started writing my book again, giving the following ending to it: [...]The author moves on writing the scene, in which her sister kills herself [...] However, she changes her mind [...] That night, she wakes up and with a knife in her hand, she pulls it horizontally in her throat [...] And the next morning, people in the street were carrying this dead whore, Thaleia [...}. And the interest here is that in the whole book her name was referred to only twice: once at the beginning, where I was presenting her and here in the end. I had a reason for that because this way I wanted to show that she was faceless and her name would be recognised only after her suicide.

After completing my book, I called Johanna and told her: 

"I broke my promise".

"What does that mean?", she asked.

"It means that I killed my heroine", I said enthusiastically. "But I don't give a damn".

"And is this something to be glad about?", Johanna asked worryingly.

"Johanna, I feel completely free now. I had to do it. It helps me move away from this situation".

"If it does", she said, "then I'll be the first to read your book".

"And the first I'll send the book to, as soon as it becomes published", I said.

"Wonderful", she replied. "And what is its name?".

"I'm thinking of calling it Black Notebook. It will be out in a few days".

Indeed Black Notebook was published on the 20th of April, 2022. It was categorised as a psychological horror novel (quite logical) and was even a best seller. I was also invited to its presentation and talked about it. I talked about mental diseases and suicide, referring people with suicidal tendencies to help hotlines. However, I didn't analyse the meaning of the book at all and didn't refer to any reason why I kill the heroine so suddenly. But I had a wide smile on my face when reading people's analysis in forums about what is meant behind the author's death. If only they knew that nothing was meant at all.

In May I had started feeling much better and I thought there was still something I hadn't done. I called Vivian and begged her to tell me what Ingmar's address in Lakselv was. So, I bought the first book from The Witcher series and got in the car. The distance was 400 kilometres from my place and I reached a large house at seven o'clock in the afternoon. While standing outside the door, I could hear children's voices. Damn it, relatives had probably visited him tonight. However, I didn't hesitate and knocked on the door. Ingmar appeared, in a blue checkered shirt, which fitted perfectly with his eyes.

"Hi", I said shyly. "I hope I'm not disturbing".

"No, not at all. We were just playing a game with Anna".

"Anna?".

"Yes, my little daughter", he said.

The smile on my face faded away instantly. Daughter? So, was he....married? Well, could I expect anything different from a 38-year-old man?

"Annaaaa", Ingmar shouted. "Come and say hello to Ingrid".

Then, a blonde girl appeared, who had her father's blue eyes.

Later, Ingmar and I went out in the backyard, because he insisted on offering a drink to me, as long as I didn't want to spend the night there. Anna was left alone in her room playing.

"I didn't know you are married", I said.

"I was", he said, looking away.

"I understand. Very often, marriages don't have a good ending".

"My wife died".

"Oh!", I exclaimed. "I'm so sorry. I had no idea. Of what...if you will?".

"Suicide", he said sharply. That's why he would visit me at the hospital. Pure empathy. He knew what a suicide attempt meant.

"I'm so sorry", I said and touched his hand.

"It's ok. It happened four years ago. Anna is almost six and doesn't remember her mother at all. She has to get another mum and I should somehow build up my life again. If any woman accepts my daughter".

"Oooh, why shouldn't she? Anna is such a sweetie", I said.

"Do you believe this?", he told me.

"But of course! I adore children".

"Even though....she's a real devil".

"It's quite normal", I exclaimed. "She's six years old".

We remained silent for a while, drinking a glass of delicious wine. In the end, I pulled out the bag with the book. "I brought a present for you", I said.

"A book?", he asked.

"I hope you'll like it".

The suspense was drawn on his face, while he was struggling to open the bag. As soon as he saw what I had brought to him, his eyes flashed, as if he were a little child. "I've always wanted this book! I've been constantly playing these video games. Ingrid, I adore you!", he exclaimed.

I blushed. "Well...you know....I drove here from Kirkenes because I wanted to give this to you".

"Have you driven 400 kilometres from Kirkenes, only to come and give me this book?".

I felt the familiar pain in my stomach and my eyes got wet. "Actually...I'm here to thank you. For....everything. Because you were at the hospital, visiting an unfamiliar person to you. For your empathy. I have a moral obligation to you. What you did was so sweet",

"Ingrid...", he said and hugged me tightly. He didn't take his arms away from me. He was holding me tight long when at some point, we kissed.