52. DREAMS AND BALANCE

A few minutes before I walked into the ICU, Vigge said to me: "Don't worry. Everything's gonna be alright".

Even though I was shaking out of terror, I was thinking that everything had to be alright. I couldn't leave anyone behind for any reason. I can't remember what happened to my body during the operation nor how long it lasted. However, I remember that I used to wake up every now and then and then sleeping back. And for some reason, the clock in the ICU always chimed six. I don't know if all that had indeed happened or I was just dreaming while being under sedation. I would anyway feel as if I were totally paralysed and I couldn't even move my fingers and toes. It seemed to me as if I was listening to doctors talking, but I couldn't make out any words.

However, at some point, I finally woke up. My body was still paralysed and I couldn't move at all. A nurse was in the room, but I couldn't talk to her. I remember I just made a noise, which sounded like a cat was drowning. Then the nurse turned and saw I was awake. "You've woken up", she said. "You've woken up", she said. "Everything was alright, see?". I tried to talk to her, but it was impossible for me. "Don't exhaust yourself", she said. "You still need to relax a bit more. You've been sleeping for a whole week". A whole week? Had I been under sedation for a whole week? "Your family has been visiting you every day", she said to me.

My family! I wanted to get up again and show them I had made it and I would never leave them. My family had suffered many pains during our previous losses.

A few hours later, I slightly started coming back to life. At least I could somehow move my fingers and utter one word or two. At some point, it seemed to me that someone entered. Then I heard someone whispering: "Ingrid!" Ingmar! I tried to approach him, but he said to me: "Don't move yet. We were told you've woken up. Anna and your mum are here too". I saw them and smiled. I couldn't talk at all, so Ingmar was sitting next to me, caressing my hand. Then, after a while, he said: "We have to go home now and we're coming tomorrow. Ok?". I just shook my head, as I couldn't do anything else.

Days were going by and I could slightly get past this critical state. I could slightly start talking and sit back on the bed, however, I couldn't walk yet. When I would be able to walk, I would finally leave the ICU and be transferred to a hospital chamber. Ingmar said to me that he was visiting me every day and that the operation was heavy and lasted many hours. I could understand that. I was exhausted and suffering.

"I feel like a half person", I said.

"Quite normal. You've lost almost fifteen kilos".

How much?

"So...."

"So we have to start a healthy and balanced diet, so we get that weight back, right?"

The issue was that I couldn't eat, though. The nurses would bring me food and I couldn't eat anything. The food itself would disgust me as if I were pregnant. My weight was extremely and dangerously low and I shouldn't consider this as a joke. A few years back I had already had problems with my hematocrit, now after a cancer operation, it would be too risky if I started fooling around. That's why I was forced to eat or maybe Ingmar was literally feeding me. During that time my family had been taking care of me more than anybody ever did. I remember that since I was taken to a chamber neither Ingmar nor my mum ever left me a single moment. Anna would even skip school, in order to be with me. She would ask permission from the school, of course, after explaining the situation. I can't say I wanted the child to miss lessons. But she was so afraid about me, exactly as I was also afraid about myself.

I made it home in late May and my body was in a terrible state. I started to get physiotherapy because I had literally forgotten how to walk. Something I had also realised was that at that time I suddenly became a morning person. I once used to love the night and I would be sleeping during the daytime. During the previous months, though, I used to go to the hospital to get my chemos, so in order to be in time there, I had to be waking up at six o'clock every morning. That's why I had acquired an inner clock, so I would still be waking up at six every day. Ingmar was trying to understand how the hell this had changed so suddenly.

In the summer I had started to get even better. Of course, let's not forget that we were living in Australia, so during that time, it was winter. I had started to walk again, even though I was still facing difficulties, and I had also started to gain more weight. It was the first time in my life, that instead of summer, we were experiencing winter and this was something I really loved. We could take the kid to ski resorts, so we were drinking hot chocolate and wine close to the fire. It was adorable!

I had started to stand on my feet in the autumn of 2027 again. I don't mean that I suddenly was right as rain, but at least I could be more active. However, something that I noticed was that I didn't have any lust to do anything with Art anymore. I wasn't writing any music, nor books, nor scripts for plays. The only thing that I was doing was either educate myself and read, or solve puzzles, riddles or brainteasers. And exactly because I didn't want to do anything with Art at all at that time, I found a job elsewhere. I started teaching science in a local school: maths, physics, chemistry and biology. One could start wondering about how Ingrid Sorensen is able to do something like this. Truth be told, I knew a lot about the natural sciences, so that I could teach children. Whatsoever, I have always been dealing with maths and my knowledge is equal to a first-year maths student.

There weren't many students in the class, as the school was small. And the atmosphere was really beautiful because I wanted to have a good relationship with my students. I'd created an atmosphere of some Dead-Poets-Society type because I would always gather the children around me in a circle. I'd even showed the film once and I furthermore taught them Horace's Odes as well as Walt Whitman's Song of Myself and some Romantic Poetry, though these weren't part of the teaching schedule. Thus we had created a strong bond with one another because I really loved children and they also love me. And of course, I sometimes used unorthodox methods, because I had asked them to be calling me Ingrid, secretly from the schoolmaster.

I previously mentioned the fact that during that time I wasn't doing anything related to Art. This isn't completely true, as I indeed started to write a book. However, that particular one was more of an autobiographical nature and describes real stories. It is reminiscent of Daniel Wallace's Big Fish to a great extent, however, the stories are described in a realistic way. It was a book dedicated to my father's memory and narrates completely true facts. So to say, these were stories my dad used to narrate to me during his lifetime, which I gathered up in a book and then, of course, I changed the names. The main reason, why I did something like that, was exactly because I wanted to honour my father's memory. Storytelling, for him, as for me too, was an important part of his life and also something that greatly expressed his own personality. And the reason why he was narrating stories until the end of his life was that he knew the end was close and he wanted to be remembered about his stories.

After the summer, I started seeing a therapist, not because I wanted to analyse my childhood, but in order for me to able to stand on my feet mentally after the operation. Then I tried to understand what some reasons could be why I got sick. Of course, heredity played a major role, as on my father's side most family members had cancer too. However, I soon realised that this also had psychological roots as well. I mean that after 2022 my whole life drastically improved. I made my own family, at last, found my home etc., however, I can't say I definitely was balanced, especially with my own feelings and emotions. I would still hide things under the bed or search for shelters to hide. All I mean is that I wasn't the kind of person who would talk about their problems with some other close to them. Ingmar always had to milk every chapter from me. Because I'd gone through these dark times previously, I was trying to feel well and what I was doing was avoiding have bad feelings. I was just trying to escape bad feelings and not ever thinking of the old situation and not seeing why they hurt me. Consequently, I wasn't trying to fight the evil from its root, but I would simply walk away, as I would always do. And I believe that, when you are young, all these problems are more or less mental, however growing older, you might start to have serious health problems, caused by your mental state. I'm totally sure that my concealed anxiety, the silence and the endless patience of the previous years ultimately emerged with cancer. Because silent suffering might get out in other worse ways, which you might have never realised before.

Now it's time I spoke about a topic, which is crucial to me. People who met me for the previous ten years, know that I'm a very methodical person, that I have many interests and set goals and dreams, which in the end I achieve. Of course, I haven't always been like that and once upon a time I was exactly the opposite person. I would always put off things, which I could have done and I always wanted to set goals, but I could never do it. There's something sweet in these words that I've suddenly become a person, who lives a completely balanced (not seriously) life and even now I make my dreams come true. And that's not a lie. However, nobody ever asked themselves why I have suddenly changed like that and why I suddenly started to set goals. And that's the most tragic thing ever.

For ten long years, I've been living in terror and anxiety and I think that this fear will remain until my death. I constantly live under the fear of death. And my fear is exactly the fact that in 2027 I got away with it, however, I might have cancer again in the future and die, leaving a motherless child behind. Until my death, I will always think that this might come up again and that time I won't make it. And this thought is killing me. Towards the end of 2027, though, I started thinking more selfishly, as far as my possibility of dying is concerned. I was 31 and knew that all these years I was putting off so many things I always wanted to do. I had so many dreams, I wanted to set so many goals and I would never ever make any dream come true. Since Ingmar met me, I can remember him suggesting I set goals and every dream I make come true I should view it as the next level on a PlayStation game, something that was very helpful to me, given the fact I'm totally hooked on videogames. And now it was high time I took my husband's advice seriously. Thus, I was thinking that I didn't know how long I was going to live, so I had to live the way I never did before. To live my life to the full, enjoy it as much as I can and the most important one: Make all the dreams, that I had throughout my whole life, come true before I die because I don't know how long I'm going to live. The latter became my motto, which I still hold: Do anything you never had time to do before you die.

  That's one of the reasons why I wasn't doing anything related to Art. I realised that music was causing me to waste so much time in my life. Just imagine how many hours I would spend at home, not composing, but only listening to music. I remember myself sitting at home and listening to record after record in a row and wasting so much time, instead of keeping myself busy with other interests of mine. And within those interests, I won't place only my personal achievements. I place the fact that, as a mother, I'd been too absent. I don't think I'd paid a lot of attention to my family all these previous years when Anna was young, at least not at a balanced level. Thus, if there was something, which I had to accomplish before I died, this was that I had to find my own inner balance, without completely being lost in my own world and works. And the most important. The Art and my work should never be my whole life, but I should also find other things too, which I should do during my day.

51. RETURN TO AUSTRALIA

 

During the following evening, I called mum and asked her to visit me, because I had to make a very important discussion. At the same time, I also informed my siblings about it, so they would also be at my place. Nobody had a clue about what I was going to say and they thought it was about dad's legacy. Ingmar suspected that something was happening, but as soon as he was trying to mention anything, I'd say: "Not a word! I'll talk, when the time comes".

When the time came, we all gathered at my place and I was shaking like a fish thrown out of water. Monica was the most terrified of us all as if she knew. I was looking at Monica again and again, wondering what was happening to her. She would rarely visit us, while when she did, she would constantly be in tears and now she had lost almost thirty kilos and had brown hair. And who was that? Monica, who has always been a redhead chubby girl. When she came home, just before the others had arrived, I hugged her and she started sobbing.

"Monica, what's wrong with you?", I asked.

"I've done everything wrong in my life", she said to me.

"What have you done wrong?"

"All choices I made were wrong".

I stayed in silence for a while and then told her: "You want a divorce, right?"

She shook her head. "Since I got married. I thought that children would save our relationship, but..."

"This is the biggest mistake that we, women, do", I replied. "We try to keep a relationship healthy, by having children, but then, things become even worse".

"I want to move back. Take my children and move back to Kirkenes. Now that mum is around. I want to be with my true family".

I felt a noose around my neck. Monica was saying all this, while a few minutes later I was going to announce to my family the fact that there was a possibility of me dying. "Oh, my sweet sister", I said and hugged her. Now I was going to be the one who would start crying.

After everybody was present at home, I decided I was going to talk to them without showing much emotion. "Well", I started. "I need to announce something to you. Nobody knows anything, except for my cousin, Vigge".

"Nor me?", Ingmar asked.

"Nor you".

"Are you pregnant?", asked Anna, whose mind was sharp as a tack, already in that age.

"Honey, had I been pregnant, I wouldn't have gathered you all up here, as if it were a council. Now enough with your questions and let me talk to the end".

Nobody said a word, so I could go on. "Well, I visited the doctor, because I was suffering from aches in my bones. I was checked twice so that we made sure there wasn't any mistake, but, unfortunately, the results were the same. What I was informed about, was that I have a tumour on my bones. In other words, I have bone cancer. But I don't want you to be frightened at all. I know that we went through a very difficult time with dad, therefore my therapy is taken care of. I'm not such a selfish person so that I let myself be taken away by this thing. I will overcome this. There is no chance that I don't".

I stopped talking for a while and silence was spread throughout the room. Ingmar opened his mouth about to say something, but I stopped him, saying: "Darling, I'm not done yet. I've got more to say".

"Thus, I spoke to Vigge, who is a surgeon and this is what he suggested. That I move to Australia so that he can check up on me and I start chemos there. I own a house in Sydney, so we could move in, there. Are you joining me?"

"Ingrid, of course, we are moving there, for as much as it is needed. Until you become totally healthy, we are staying in Australia. Anna will start Junior High School there".

"Anna, do you agree?", I asked.

"I don't want anything bad to happen to you", she said and hugged me. She was about to start crying, but I comforted her and told her everything was going to be alright.

"Mum?", I said. "What are you going to do?"

"Errr...", she stuttered.

"Are you coming with us?"

"I....".

"I wouldn't like you to stay here alone and mourn for dad. I would really like to have you with us. The house is rather large".

"Ingrid! Of course, I want to be with my child, especially now".

"Monica", I said, "we are going to talk in person at some point".

I was scared, of course, I was, but I didn't want to show them. Now I had to be stronger than ever, just for my folks. If I showed any weakness, they could suspect that I wasn't going to overcome it. But I had learned I shouldn't ever put it off.

In late February 2027, I invited the band to my place, in order to announce to them that I was moving away for some time.

"I'm ill and it's very serious", I said. "I have to do therapy, that's why I'm moving to Australia".

"For how long?", Vivian asked.

"For as long as it is needed".

"Ingrid, would you like to tell us what is wrong with you? We are worrying", Bryan said.

"No", I replied. "I'm not planning to talk to anybody except for my family. I've got a very serious illness and I know that there is a possibility I don't even make it alive. But I'll never give for any reason. I'm going to Australia, because I know I'll be checked by my cousin, who is a surgeon".

"Are you having surgery?"

"At some point I am, but I don't know exactly when".

"Are you informing us about the date, please?"

"Of course, I am", I answered with a smile.

"Also", I added, "keep on with the tour, without me. I've said so many times that all members can be replaced. Find some temporary vocalist".

"Alright, and then?", Bryan asked. "What are we going to do all this time you are away?"

"Jesus Christ! What can I tell you now?", I said furiously. "Build Alexandria-themed crossword puzzles".

When I said that, we remained silent for a while. Then we all burst out laughing. Alexandria-themed crossword puzzles! How on earth could I come up with such bizarre ideas?

"Well...ok...crossword puzzles...how did you come up with this now?", Nancy asked, as if she read my mind.

"Oh, don't pay any attention to that. I'm currently going through a phase, where I'm not doing so many artistic things. For example, when my daughter is at the music school, I wait for her in the car and I spent all this time doing crossword puzzles while listening to Abba".

They were gazing at me as if I were coming from another planet. Yes, of course, it is impossible for Ingrid Sorensen to do crossword puzzles in the car, listening to Abba. She must do things of better quality. What does good quality really mean?

We set off to Australia on March 3, 2027. The four of us settled in the house in Annandale, because, as I said, my mum came along. Since I set my foot in Australia, I came down with terrible homesickness for Kirkenes. Of course, Australia was my favourite country after Norway and I decided to move in there without a second thought, but then again, I felt I had left my hometown behind. Fortunately, not so many chores needed to be done. The only thing we needed to do is clean up the whole house and put on some furniture. No wall painting or any renovation was needed. Even though the house was literally located in a city centre, there was a garden, so I could plant my trees and flowers.

Furthermore, due to the different season, schools in Australia were starting in March. So, Anna could start Junior High on time. We didn't need much time to adapt ourselves to the new place and moving went smoothly. Ingmar kept on composing new music and Anna gladly started her new school. I wasn't dealing with Art at all, because I didn't have much lust to. During that time, I used to live more like a housewife, rather than an artist.

At some point, I went to the supermarket. Then I heard a voice behind me: "Ingrid!" I turned back and saw a slim old lady, who looked familiar -- very familiar. "Yes?", I said, because I didn't know who she was.

"I don't think you remember me. I'm Clare, Josh's mum".

I looked at her and my jaw dropped. "How come are you here?", she asked.

"I moved here for some time. Until I get healthy".

"What do you have?", she asked me.

I hugged her. "I'm ill".

"What's wrong with you?"

"I've got cancer", I whispered.

Then she started crying. I was holding her and told her: "I'll become well, don't worry. I've given a promise".

"Oh, these are the same words that my son told me too".

"I know, but now there's a lot of progress in medical science. I've got a family as well and I can't leave them behind".

"You can visit me whenever you like, alright?"

"Alright", I replied.

I entered the supermarket almost in tears. Josh's mum was the last person I expected to meet. And fortunately, she didn't ask where exactly I was living, because it'd be too painful for her to know that I live in the house, which was left to me as a legacy from her son. I drove home, filled with bags of food and other stuff for Anna. Ingmar noticed I was sort of troubled and asked: "Is there anything wrong?"

"Do you mean that everything is alright?", I told him.

Then he hugged me and said: "Pet, we'll overcome this. We'll do this together. You're not alone in all that, ok?".

I shook my head. Yes, I knew I wasn't alone. And there was a solution to every problem. Ingmar had made me adopt this idea. No need to panic at all. Since one is not alone in their problems, one can overcome them. Everything is reversible and can be retrieved, except for death. And negative thinking never helps. The only thing they achieve is to worsen the situation because they don't let us think clearly. Therefore, no panic. This is the key.

Since we moved until May, I can't say I was doing many things really. Vigge had told me he was going to operate on me in May. At the same time, I had started doing chemos, but they were such, that I didn't lose my hair. I, nevertheless, stopped dyeing it during that time because it wasn't that healthy for my condition. I looked really funny because until then my hair was fully red and underneath the dye, you could clearly see blonde hair roots. But I can't say it looked that bad.

During that time, my mood was completely neutral. I wasn't depressed by the whole situation at all, but I wasn't very happy either. I just let things go by the way we had predicted them to, and I hoped that the operation would cure me. I wasn't thinking about the possibility that it might not work out or that I might die during the operation. As Ingmar and I would say, I had to get rid of panic. However, something happened in April and really made my day. I noticed that the others in the band had sent a crossword puzzle to my letterbox. It seemed to me so weird and I jokingly thought: Those idiots are playing games with me because I told them I like doing crossword puzzles in the car while listening to Abba. I noticed that the first page of the crossword puzzle was writing: TURN TO PAGE 7. And then I saw an Alexandria-themed crossword puzzle. I cracked up and thought: I can't believe this. I was only joking about it but they did it! But I found it very cute. So I was given a free crossword puzzle, which I could do while waiting for Anna in the music school.

That evening I called Bryan. After I told him I was going to have surgery in May, we talked a little bit about the band's future. I urged them to keep on touring without me and Nancy should replace me on the keys.

"And what about the vocals? We could, let's say, call your sister, but I don't know if she'll be able to do a whole tour".

"I know", I replied. "Let's talk a little bit later so that I come up with something".

I couldn't sleep at all that night. Ingmar noticed I was awake and said to me: "Everything will be alright. We've already told that. No panic".

"Yeah, yeah, I know", I replied. "I'm worried about something else".

"So to say?"

"The band has to find a temporary singer so that the others keep on touring. And we don't know what to do, really".

"Johanna. A very good choice", he said.

I went: "Oh, come on now. After such a big tour that we did with Uaithnia, how could my sister join our own tour now? Whatsoever...I feel a bit uncomfortable having my sister in our band".

"No, not your sister, Johanna".

"What?", I said.

"The other one", he exclaimed. "Your sister's friend. This composer who's doing electronic music and you also participated in her record".

But, of course! Why hadn't I thought about it earlier? This Johanna!

"She is our perfect solution! I'll call her immediately", I said and I was about to rise from bed.

"Ingrid! Not so late. It's almost midnight".

"Yes, of course", I said and got again in bed, where I had the heaviest and sweetest sleep ever.

The next morning, I called the band first and I asked them whether they wanted to do the tour with Johanna. In the beginning, there was the same misunderstanding, because they also thought I was referring to my sister. But when I explained it to them, they said that my idea was brilliant. Well, it wasn't mine in the first place, but Ingmar's. I called Johanna and told her I was ill and asked her if she could sing on our tour. Fortunately, she accepted the invitation, therefore I could also calm down, as I knew that my band at least was taken care of. I hoped that my life would also be taken care of.

In early May, I went to the hospital, so I could do the operation. Chemos didn't work for me, but I hoped that at least the operation would save the whole situation. Just before I went in, Vigge had a discussion with Ingmar and then with me. I don't know what he said to him, but Ingmar seemed really troubled and was constantly holding Anna in his arms. Then Vigge talked to me as well: "This operation is really hard. It will last many hours and you have to be prepared for everything".

"There's a possibility of me dying", I said.

He sighed: "Listen. There is this possibility, as far as all surgeries are concerned. But this particular is one of the most severe ones and...".

"I know. Don't tell me more. I'm prepared for this, but...I'm sure I can make it. I can't leave anyone behind like that".

Before I walked into the ICU, I asked Ingmar to inform the band about the operation, without telling them what I was suffering from. So I was to be operated, without really knowing what was lying ahead. 

50. HEALTH

My father's death for me was the greatest blow I had ever had. Every night, when I was going to fall asleep, I always had memories of him. I can remember this summer, back in 2019, when he had visited me in Ireland. He had travelled without mum because as he said, he wanted to have a little chat with some entrepreneur, who was planning to run his own rock bar. I don't know what they were going to talk about, because as I've already said before, I've always known my father solely as an actor and an ethnology graduate. He had never talked to me about things he had done in the past, other than acting, except for these seemingly imaginative stories he used to narrate to the end of his life.

So, that summer he had visited me and when he entered my house, he instantly opened the fridge and said: "Let's have a look at what my little princess eats". He always had the habit of calling me his little princess. When I was a kid, I was a bit annoyed by it, because I considered it too babyish. Growing older, though, every time he used to call me like that, I was feeling deeply emotional. "That's why you've lost so much weight", he would say. "Because your fridge is completely empty". And I would reply: " I do eat, dad. See, I know how to cook and I have lunch with my friends almost every noon here".

During this time that he was here, I was staging a play with my team, therefore I invited my dad to the rehearsals, so he could tell us about his opinion, as an experienced actor that he was. Everybody was speechless. He was so calm and such a soft speaker and he would advise us about our body position, when we act, or about our expressions. He had nothing to do with me, as I would raise my voice to the other guys. Whenever he gave us advice, we were listening to him carefully, as if he were a teacher. In a way, he was, at least for me. Because, as I've said before, it's due to him and mum, that I got to become an actress too, without having studied acting or anything like that.

I used to think about all these stories, while in tears. I missed my dad so much and I would miss him forever. Ingmar was trying to comfort me and he was telling me I had to remember our beautiful moments. This is what hurt more. So to say, the fact that we would never live those beautiful moments ever again. Then, Ingmar said something else too:  "Just think that there are cases when children lost their parents and they could never get close to them or always think that they had never had the chance to tell them how important they had been for them". Ingmar was right. Of course, as for me, I can't say that I had ever said all that in words. But I think I had shown him how much I loved him and he did too.

Even though I was in sorrow, the good thing in all that is, that things weren't as bad as, let's say, 2021. To start with, I wasn't suicidal anymore. And what is more, there's a huge difference between things that happened back in 2021 and the current situation. During those days, my whole life was shit and I felt completely lost. I was living a life in Ireland, which I didn't want at all, so things were wrong in general.

Now things weren't like that. I was living the life I wanted with my husband and our child and now I could, at last, make my dreams come true. I was mentally healthy. My life was ok, though my heart was in pain. And when the heart is in pain, we mustn't neglect it but heal the pain. That's why, I didn't choose to stay alone during these difficult times, as I used to, back in the days. I was constantly with Ingmar and Anna, we were playing games together, watching movies and of course, I used to spend a lot of time with mum too. I don't want to catastrophise, but I've always thought that our beloved people won't be around forever. Nobody lives eternally. We only live for a few decades and then we are buried under the ground. I wanted to be with my mum, for as long as I could, because she wouldn't either live forever.

In the meantime, because of my father's condition, I had also started to have some problems with my spine. Since December, I had had severe pains in my bones, because I was sleeping in a hospital chair almost every night. And the pain would usually strike me just before I went to sleep or while waking up. I hadn't visited a doctor, because I didn't consider it that serious and I just thought it would be over soon.

Ten days, after dad passed away, a second cousin of mine, who lives in Trondheim, called me to inform me about some sad news. She said to me that her mother passed away, who was my father's first cousin. I didn't know her that well, although she had visited us a few summers ago in Kirkenes. I decided to go to the funeral, though I was already sick of funerals. That day I was discussing dad's health with my cousin and about the fact that since August the whole family was at the hospital. I also told her I was suffering from pains in my bones, because I had been sleeping in a chair for months. Then my cousin advised me to have some physiotherapy. I had known a physiotherapist, that one who used to treat my dad. But first, I wanted to make an appointment at the hospital for a checkup.

I remember that my aunt's funeral took place on a Thursday and I booked an appointment for Monday. I went, therefore, to the hospital in Kirkenes on Monday and did a general checkup. I was told I would be informed about the results in a phone call. Two days later, the doctor called me and said: "Mrs Sorensen could you please visit us again, because we have to recheck a few things?"

"What's wrong?", I asked in shock. What did I have?

"Probably, nothing serious. We might have made some mistake in our results. That's why we have to check it again. Could you visit tomorrow morning again?"

"Yes, I can", I answer. What the hell was going on? On the one hand, I was taken down with a wave of fear that I might have something serious and on the other hand, I was comforting myself thinking that medical opinions are sometimes wrong, that's why a second visit is required.

The next morning, I went to the hospital again. "What have you found?", I asked. The doctor replied: "Don't worry. Everything is under control. We've just made a mistake. There's no need to panic without any reason". No need to panic since when? Since he told me that he gives my father two months to live? How many months to live would I now have?

On the other hand, I walked home relieved. Everything was perfect and there was nothing wrong with me. I would start having physiotherapy, I would be walking in the forest with Ingmar (or my mum) to gather mushrooms and Anna would start Junior High School next year. Ingmar and I might have had our own children, so I would feel happy about becoming a child's biological mother. That night, Ingmar said to me: "Everything alright? How come did you visit the doctor again?"

"He did a mistake", I replied. "Therefore I did another checkup. I'll be given the results tomorrow morning".

That night, I had a horrible nightmare. I dreamt I was walking close to a river along with Anna. There was a bridge, crossing the river and leading to the other side. As Anna and I were to cross the bridge, we suddenly saw my father at the end of the road. He was greeting us cheerfully and was shouting: "Ingrid, Ingrid! Come here! At last, we meet again!" Then, I exclaimed: "Look, Anna. Your grandpa! Let's go and say hello". But when we reached him, he suddenly pulled me towards him and said: "Only you are coming with me. Nobody else". And then, suddenly, everything behind me, including Anna, disappeared and was replaced by a murky glass. "Anna! Anna!", I screamed.

"She can't hear you", my father said. "Now you are here with me".

"I want my child back!", I screamed.

"I'm sorry, princess", my dad said and hugged me.

Then, I woke up sweating. Ingmar was next to me, holding my hand. "Calm down, princess", he said.

"What did you call me?", I said in a puzzle. What a weird déjà vu.

"A princess", he replied. "You look like a princess when you sleep".

I smiled. Only my dad used to call me a princess.

Then, I tucked my head in the sheets. Ingmar stroke my head: "What were you dreaming of?"

"Dad".

"You are worried about the results".

"Nonsense", I said. "Why should I be worried? Everything will be alright. I know".

"I do too, sweetheart". Something in his voice made me think that something wasn't right at all.

I went to the hospital to receive the results. When I entered the room, the doctor seemed too worried.

"Good morning, Mrs Sorensen. Here are the results".

"Which are...?", I asked.

He sighed: "Listen, Ingrid, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but you have so many common health problems with your father. It's probably hereditary, but...."

"Doctor, please tell me what's wrong with me", I said sharply.

"Err, I think we found a tumour in your bones..."

"I've got bone cancer", I replied. "That's why I suffer from those pains".

"I'm so sorry that you have to learn something like that from me".

"I know, doctor. A few months ago, you were the one to tell me that my father had two months to live".

"Yes, so you understand. The good thing is that it is on an early stage, so we might be able to do something with chemos".

"I don't want you to tell me how long I am going to live. Because I will live and I know. I know it's too hard, but I've got a husband, an eleven-year-old daughter and a mother who just lost her husband. I will live because I have no other choice. Due to this thing, I lost three precious people from my life and now it won't take me too".

And after these words, I tucked the results in my bag and returned home. Ingmar instantly asked me what the doctor said. The first thing that I thought was I have cancer and I might die too, but I just smiled and said: "It was only a mistake. Everything is alright. These pains come from the fact that I used to sleep in a chair. I will recover either as time goes by or with physiotherapy".

Ingmar hugged me. "That's great, my love", he said. "You have no idea how happy that makes me".

He has always trusted me and that's why he didn't ask to see the results. He would never imagine the fact that I might not be telling him the truth. That's why I really wanted to cry. I was lying to my husband, even though I knew I had cancer. There was a probability that he would lose me forever, just as he lost his first wife too, and I was lying to him. But I didn't either know what else to do. I had to start doing chemos, but I didn't know how and where.

That afternoon I had an idea. My first cousin, Vigge, that is my aunt Kati's son, was a surgeon, having specialised in bone cancer cases and he was working at the hospital in Sidney. He could probably help me somehow. I locked myself in the bathroom on the second floor, so that nobody can hear me and dialled Vigge's number.

"Good evening, Vigge", I said. "This is Ingrid. How are you?"

"Quite good, cousin. I've got too much work. What about you?"

I cleared my throat. "I'm not well, at all".

"Because of uncle's passing?"

I remained silent for a while. "No, not only because of that".

"What's wrong?"

"I'll tell you something because you are a doctor. And in my case too, I would like you to keep patient confidentiality".

"Tell me".

"Vigge, I did a checkup at the hospital", I said. "I was diagnosed with bone cancer. Nobody knows that, not even my husband".

"Have you started chemos? What stage is it in? Is it metastatic?"

"Listen", I said. "I was informed about it this morning and it's on an early stage. I can overcome this, I know. I won't let this beat me because I can't do this to people who love me and whom I love. Look in what a pain we are now that dad is gone. Why should I give such pain to my beloved ones? To my husband, who has once before been widowed, to my child, who will lose her mother for a second time and to my mum, who will lose her daughter, after losing her husband. Let alone my siblings".

"Stop, I'll burst into tears", he said. "I will completely help you. Listen to what we can do. Could you leave Norway for a while?"

"Umm...", I stuttered. "If it has to do with my health, of course, I can".

"You have to move to Sidney. Thus I can be checking you, you will start chemos here and I might even operate you. What do you think?"

"Would you do something like that for me?", I said.

"You sacrifice everything for your family, Ingrid. This is something that you can now understand, right?"

"Right. So, I'd also have to announce my state to my family, isn't is so?".

"Well, this would already happen sooner or later".

I sighed. "Fine, then".

"Keep me informed", he said. "And everything is going to be alright. Ok?"

"Ok".

49. HOSPITALS

In June 2026, we stopped touring, because we wanted to spend the summer holidays with our families. Fortunately, we didn't book any summer gigs, because either we would have to cancel the show or the rest of the guys would have to make it without me. That's because, in June, my family was facing very serious problems. My grandma, Kristi, my mother's mother, was 93 years old and had had a severe stroke for many years. She could barely walk, and if she did, she had to use a walking stick, but during these later months, she was bedridden. Then, she suddenly had to check in a hospital and for almost a month and a half, all of us were in a rush. My siblings and I, but especially my mum, as well as Kati, used to spend the night in a hospital chair quite often. We didn't want to hire a private nurse either because it would be better for her if her family was close. Grandma didn't ever lose her mind, nor did she have dementia. She only had a stroke, walking problems and, of course, she was too old.

Unfortunately, in August 2026, grandma passed away. Alright, I can tell that she lived a full life -- 93 is a good age. But, far from that, this was a stunning blow for all of us. Once again, I felt this bitterness that I did eleven years ago when grandpa Lauri left us. But now I was at an older age, I wasn't that small innocent kid anymore, thus I could manage to lose a family member much better. Of course, I was so lucky to have my grandma around for so many years. Some people lose their grandparents much earlier -- some people even lose their own parents! We were so lucky because both our parents were in perfect health.

I wish I had my fingers crossed!

My grandma's passing cost a lot to me, that's why I felt I needed a break from working. I didn't want to go to the studio, neither write any book nor do another show. I wanted to stay at home for a while, doing nothing but mourn my grandmother. Luckily I was at home during that time, because our problems weren't over yet. In fact, they had just begun. One evening, I got a phone call from my mum, who asked me to come to Bjørnevatn. My dad slipped and fell off a stair and we had to drive him to the hospital. It wasn't a severe injury, but he was 72 and had diabetes, thus a simple wound could have been rather painful for him. Fortunately, doctors said he didn't have to spend the night at the hospital, so we could drive back home. But, anyway, my parents spent the night at our place, because I wanted to be close to them, in case my father was in need of something.

My parents didn't go home instantly. They stayed with us a little bit more, because very often I would have guests and I thought that socialising was a major advantage to my father's health. I can recall that every night he would tell his own stories to my friends, who were visiting me. I don't know where this came from and why, but at some point, I got really angry with myself, because of my dark thoughts. I remember being at the kitchen, making a salad for all of us and my father was in the backyard, telling his stories. Then, at some point, a single thought came to my mind: For how long still am I going to listen to him telling stories? I instantly smacked myself in the face and thought: Stupid! Why not listen to him long? He's only 72 and in perfect health!

A few days later we did some shows in Scandinavia only. My father, even though his health was much better, still needed to be taken care of. Because of his diabetes, his wounds couldn't heal that easily. And after his fall of that stair, it wasn't that easy for him to move around.

Since October, I was constantly in a rush. Mum had to go to the hospital too because her heart had to be operated on, thus I wanted to be close to her. In the meantime, I was taking care of dad, because his fall resulted in his having permanent difficulties with walking. I was extremely worried about my mum because heart surgeries are extremely dangerous in such old ages. But, fortunately, this surgery had a happy end, even though we had to be looking after her constantly. I remember spending many hours daily at their place during that time.

At the same time, my father's problems were still going on, but I can't say that we were really paying any attention to them. Mum was our main priority because we felt she needed more care after her surgery. However, in November, my dad called late at night and said he wasn't feeling well at all and he suddenly had a blackout. Anna and I instantly rushed to go to their place. We found him sitting on a chair and holding his head. "Hey, dad, what's wrong?", I said."

" I just felt that everything was suddenly getting black", he said to me.

Finally, I realised that he hadn't had his insulin injection, so I had to do it. Quite often, you can't make head or tail of elderly people, so if you don't act in time, the consequences might be a little bit dangerous to their health.

But problems hadn't finished yet. A few days later, during mid-November, dad was instantly taken to the hospital. We were informed that there was a problem with his kidneys, so it was necessary for him to be hospitalised. He stayed at the hospital for fifteen days and after he was allowed to go home, a doctor would regularly visit my parents, in order to check my father.

However, a week later my dad had to be hospitalised again. And this time we didn't know how long he would have to stay. Doctors informed us about his health. We were told he had bone cancer. When I heard the news, I felt I was dizzy. I couldn't stand hearing about cancer anymore. I had lost my grandfather and my best friend, because of that fucking disease. It wouldn't take my dad as well.

We didn't even know what to do. We didn't know if we had to tell him if he had to know about his health. Mental health is a major factor in curing cancer. If dad learnt about his state, he could let himself be taken by this thing. It would be fatal to him and painful to the rest of us.

At that time, Vivian called me and when she listened to my voice, she said:

"Ingrid, is everything alright? Why do you sound like that?"

"I'm fine", I replied. "I'm just a little bit tired because my parents need to be taken care of this time".

Vivian remained silent for a while. Then, she stuttered: "Are...your parents...ok?"

"Yeah, yeah, of course," I lied. "It's only that my dad fell off a stair a few months ago and he needs physiotherapy treatment. And my mum had a heart operation. You know also that after grandma's death, she needs mental support".

What could I tell her? That my dad had bone cancer and these were the last months I could spend with him?

"I'm so happy about that", she replied. "But anyway, in case you need anything, don't hesitate to give us a call. Alright?"

"Alright?", I answered.

"We all care about you. Keep that in mind", she said before picking down.

I really wanted to burst into tears. Why all these blows? First grandma, then my father. That night, I called my brother. "I've got some bad news", I said.

"Who died?", he said abruptly.

"Calm down", I said. "No one died. It's just that....dad's health is in a bad state".

"What's wrong with him?"

I sighed. "He was diagnosed with bone cancer".

No one spoke for a while. "I'm coming", he replied.

"I don't think you really need to. I believe we can face that. It's an early stage".

When Daniel picked down the phone, I started sobbing uncontrollably. Even though I had a strong faith in the fact that cancer wouldn't take him, I couldn't stand any single thought about losing him. I couldn't take losing more people in my life. I'd already lost many beloved ones. And please, no, no, no, not my father. I loved him more than anything in the world. I loved both of them. I couldn't let anything bad happen neither to my father nor to any other member of my family.

In the next few days, I decided I couldn't leave the band on a hiatus anymore. I sent a text message to Bryan, telling him this:

Hey!

I can't let you wait for me any longer. I don't know how long it will take me until I come back to the band. If you want to go to the studio, don't wait for me. Start composing music and enough with that bullshit that no one but me writes the lyrics. It's time you forgot all these shitty old traditions. If I die, what is going to happen to the band? Split up?

Don't call me, I won't pick up. We have to face very serious health problems. My family needs me now more than ever. I promise to come back, when and if things get better. Take care of your parents, as much as you can. Both of them are valuable and they won't be around forever.

Kisses, Ingrid.

We spent Christmas and New Year's Eve at the hospital. This happened for the first time ever. But at least, we were all together as a family and of course, there were Daniel, Johanna and paradoxically, Monica, who was in much deeper sorrow than the rest of us. Dad was typically telling us stories all the time about everything he had seen with his own eyes. And we were sitting around him, eager to listen to him, just like when we were small children. I have always been under the impression that dad wasn't only an actor, who had first studied ethnology. He has always remained a very obscure figure for us, children, even though he was telling us any fictional story a human mind can ever imagine. And there always has remained this thought in my mind, that far from acting, my father had done wonderful and impressive things, at least before I was born. Having such a motivation and appetite to live, how could this man just go?

Ten days after New Year's Eve, dad's health was rapidly worsening. He had started doing chemotherapies, but they didn't seem to work on him at all. His health was getting even worse. Doctors always try to encourage families, telling them to keep on hoping, but now this was in vain. Doctors themselves couldn't keep on feeding us false hopes. We knew that we didn't have much time with dad anymore.

I wouldn't keep on with the tour and I didn't care what the others would do. I hoped they could, at least, do it without me. I wouldn't leave my family for any reason, just for the sake of a tour. And furthermore, I didn't have the heart to get out on stage, headbanging, while my dad was a cancer patient, spending his last weeks (or days?) in a fucking hospital. And of course, I didn't dare to talk about my dad to the rest of the guys, because I didn't need any pity.

I don't want my readers to feel tired nor depressed with what I am writing. And of course,  I wouldn't like to go into more details about the whole thing, because my father was and has always been valuable for me. It hurts that I'm forced to remember all these details. On January, 30th, 2027, my father became another hero. And as Bryan used to say, when he also lost his own father, heroes and legends don't really die, but they always live within our hearts.

And my dad was, is and will always be a great hero, who never gave up on anything. Until the end of his life, he remained this storyteller with a child's mind, which makes up fantastical worlds. This is how he remained until these 72 years of his life. This father, who, when I was 15, forced me to set my own imagination free and write my first horror story. This father, who was forcing mum to leave the door open wide, so that people would come in and visit the Sorensen family. This man, who never sent anyone away. Everybody was welcome and everybody had the chance to listen to his own stories. Everybody would always see me and tell me You are exactly just like Mr Thomas.

I remember a single time, in 2022 when Sofia and Jesikka were at my own kitchen. I could overhear the girls behind the door, who were talking about my parents. Jesikka was discussing actors with Sofia and then she asked her who she would mention as her favourite actors. Then, Sofia replied: "It might sound a cliché or too corny, but I'd say, Niki and Thomas Sorensen". Jesikka started laughing and she said: "No, I find it really sweet. But why them?"

"Because both of them are great idols! Those two people are brilliant actors, people and parents. Just think about the fact that Ingrid has never taken acting lessons and she's a marvellous actress. Who do you think she's inherited her talent from?"

My eyes started to get wet.

Sofia went on: "Those people are so good-hearted and open to all the people. And they have such a great talent that their own theatrical style is notable. And yes, they are my favourite actors. And without them, I would have never become an actress myself. If I hadn't watched Niki and Thomas act, I wouldn't have ever become an actress".

I started sobbing silently so that they wouldn't notice I could hear them. Yes, Sofia was absolutely right. They are my own favourite actors too. I could never voice that out loud because I didn't want to be mocked. But my greatest acting (and not only) idols have never been Meryl Streep or Clint Eastwood. They were my parents, though: Niki and Thomas Sorensen. And that's why I wouldn't either have become an actress, weren't those two people my own parents.

And I owe the fact that I'm an author to this hero with this blonde ponytail, who in my heart will always remain a crazy storyteller. I hope that he still keeps on narrating stories, where he is.

48. MUSIC AND COLOURS

Ingmar and I got married on September 27, 2025. Even though our relationship had always been secret, mainly because we wanted to protect our child, this doesn't mean that nobody ever knew anything about us. Of course, many rumours as well as a lot of gossiping was going around, but no one was allowed to invade our private lives. Being really careful with that, that day, Ingmar and I posted a picture of us on the net, without any text above though. That day, I was wearing a straw hat with ribbons around it and a red dress. As soon as this picture was uploaded, we met with thousands of comments. However, I noticed that there were very few people who were proud of us being together or called us lovebirds or similar corny bullshit. Most of us would say that we had to put a record together, something that wasn't a bad idea at all.

In October 2025, I called Johanna (not my sister, but her friend) and I told her I would make it in the studio. Thus, I caught the train and travelled to Alta, where the recording sessions would take place. Since I was a small kid, I knew that Johanna had a distinctive talent for making electronic compositions. She liked mixing weird sounds and create music with these. I think she could perfectly compose a film soundtrack, given the fact that a lot of movies contain electronic soundtracks and not typical symphonic/orchestral music. Artists who compose this kind of film music, for example, are Vangelis or Tangerine Dream.

Johanna and I had a lot of things in common. I also like combining weird sounds and, of course, the favourite instrument of both of us was the Moogling. When I was young and she used to come to our place, I remember that I had just bought my first Moog synthesiser and she was extremely excited about it. She was jealous of its amplifier because it had colourful cables. And far from music, Johanna had also studied Linguistics, so we also had many things in common. We were only slightly different when composing, in the sense that she wouldn't always sketch the songs she was composing. Sometimes she would just experiment with sounds and compose anything that would get out of this. I would never do that. As I've already mentioned, I first became an author and then a musician, thus while composing music, in many ways I work as an author too: there is always a framework, a context first, which is afterwards filled with music. Sometimes, it seems to me as if I compose music for non-existent films, playing in my head.

Recordings lasted a month, indeed. Prior to my coming to the studio, Johanna had planned which ones were going to be my own parts. And I liked these because her album had a beautiful topic. It was inspired by the Planet Earth documentary, which was presented by Sir David Attenborough and her songs referred to parts of the natural world. There were different songs, for example, about the continents, the jungles, the forests, the sea etc. and I thought it was a beautiful idea. And even though, one could expect her to compose symphonic music for that, she only used electronic instruments. My own parts were about the sea, the forests and underwater caves. My favourite places ever!

In November 2025, I went back home, planning to start composing new music for Alexandria. I had come up with a very good idea. During the previous months, I had found an interest in learning the way in which some mental disorders or chemical substances could alter the mind's function. I used to watch videos, which were simulations showing how, let's say, a schizophrenic person experiences the world and their own selves too. These were rather accurate videos and described these situations in such a freaking way. I'd watched a video, in which a schizophrenic person had woken up in the morning in a room, which seemed really dark in his own eyes. Suddenly his phone started to ring, which had a really distorted sound. The melody was a typical i-phone melody, but it sounded distorted. Of course, you could also hear voices whispering things like they're coming after you or you are worthless and why don't you kill yourself? and more freaking things like that. After a while, this person turns on the TV and while the broadcast is about the weather forecast, at some point the presenter turns to the person and says: and the fault is yours because you're worthless. Of course, healthy people can understand that the real world doesn't work like that, but this is all part of a schizophrenic mind. It is a real nightmare for those people to experience the world like that because delirium means that one is absolutely sure that these situations are real and nobody can change their mind. I remembered myself a few years back in Amsterdam when someone had thrown LSD on my drink. If this experience was nightmarish to me, then what else could you say about schizophrenic people?

Furthermore, I was really interested in learning how hallucinogens affect your mind and I'm not referring to LSD only, but in psychedelic drugs, in general. I've mentioned before that I've been a huge Porcupine Tree fan and one of my favourite albums of all times is Voyage 34. That particular album has nothing to do with a space voyage or something like that, as I had falsely assumed, in the beginning. It is an album, segmented into four different parts, which contain psychedelic and experimental music. At the same time, it contains narrations by people, who talk about their own experience, while consuming LSD. The main story, which is narrated in the following: a young man, called Brian, calls his friends at home, in order to make LSD use and observe the effect that the drug is going to have on them. Our friend, Brian, is not scared at all, because during all these 33 LSD trips, he only had to snap his fingers and down he came. But this particular time, on voyage 34, Brian couldn't snap his fingers and terminate the trip. He was terrified and he was sitting alone in his room. What the song describes, thus, is a bad trip. The narrations in the song actually come from a 1966 radio broadcast, whose goal is to campaign against LSD. Voyage 34 feels like a post-soundtrack to this broadcast.

I really loved this album. I think it has been the album that I've mostly listened to during my whole life. There's been a time that I used to play it about fifteen times a day. I would quite often live the experience. I would play the whole album and sit down for an hour, keeping my eyes closed. Sometimes it would work in a therapeutic way for me, as it could make me escape my problems for a while -- and at times, from reality itself. It has always helped me to calm down, whenever I'm going through serious problems with my life. I just keep completely to myself, playing this album and tripping for an hour that it lasts. This is another way, in which I can trip without using drugs (as Jesikka used to say) and indeed, the way in which true escape sensation works better in me. Nowadays I can say that Voyage 34, is my favourite album of all times.

As an avid sci-fi and horror book reader, one of my favourite authors has always been Aldous Huxley (grandson to this lunatic man, Thomas Huxley, a biologist and Charles Darwin's right hand). He has written Brave New World, which is a marvellous book and I suggest you immediately go and buy it.  However, by coincidence, during the same time I was into my psychedelic readings, I had found another book by Huxley on a flea market in Kirkenes. It was a book called Psychedelics. Huxley was a regular LSD user and wrote this book, which refers to his own experience, concerning the effect that this drug had on him. Whatsoever, it is said that just before he died, he asked his wife to give him some LSD, because he wanted to die in a magical world.

Of course, even though all these ideas seemed really interesting to me, they were more or less my own personal interests. I couldn't force the others to spend so many months in the studio, keeping themselves busy with LSD. On the other hand, neither did I want to throw this idea away, because as I said, I really loved it, nor did I want to make a solo album. I hate solo albums. But then, I came up with the solution, that we could record this album with Uaithnia. Both my sister and Vivian were really fond of these topics and of course, Voyage 34 was one of my sister's favourite albums.

Thus, I spoke to the rest of the girls: my sister, Vivian and Nancy. I can say that they found this idea really interesting and they even were very excited about this. I can't explain why, but such topics as hallucinations, illusions, schizophrenia and in general, topics related to the distorted brain function are things I'm extremely fixated on. I know it's a dramatic experience for a patient, but I like learning more about these and they appeal to me exactly the same deep way in which water and the sea do.

Because we wanted to release the album in February, we went straight to the studio and decided to start composing there instantly. I had such a great need to get these beautiful ideas out on paper and keys, that I couldn't care about not being at home. Furthermore, for the first time ever I didn't start composing on a piano, but on a plain synthesiser instead. I suppose I was rather inspired by Johanna's album, as its music was electronic. Our record was going to be mainly instrumental and wouldn't contain so many lyrics. An album I was also inspired by was Dead Can Dance's Aion. Lisa Gerrard has a brilliant voice and especially in that particular album, her vocals are enchanting. During that time I was listening to it a lot at home.

The record would start with a composition of mine, that lasted about 13 minutes. I think it's the most psychedelic track I've ever written. Normally the song starts with an instrumental section, lasting about 11 minutes and during the last two minutes, it transforms into a depressive ballad, talking about death. But exactly because this song was completely psychedelic, we decided to extract that section and move it to the beginning. It perfectly fits there, however, in fact, it's too obvious that this song starts by its end and this is really bizarre. It has been played live before, accompanied by psychedelic visuals, but we don't do this anymore live. First, those images freak people out and secondly it has a clear reference to death, so it's not that pleasing for us to play live.

Some people consider this to be the best song I've ever composed, even though it's not an Alexandria piece. In the past, I think I would think it was too, but I think that we have written happier and less cynical songs. So to say, I believe it was a rather harsh and exaggerating piece, though a lot of effort has been put into it. Just like Voyage 34, this also contained narrations by several people we loved or who were friends of us. Something, which most people might not know, is the fact that some of the narrations are done by my own daughter, Anna, herself, because she has a British accent, due to her father, and of course, she has a cute, childish and fairy-like voice. The song's name is An Upstair Case and it was taken from a part of Voyage 34.

A piece I had also composed myself and I liked is one For Those We Noticed... I wouldn't like to mention why I chose this seemingly irrelevant title, concerning the song's content. People who know me best can probably have a clue. This song refers to a human condition, called synesthesia, which is something I can achieve too and I realised I did, at such older age. It has nothing to do with empathy, as I falsely assumed in the beginning. Synesthesia is about perceiving things around using different senses than you normally do. This is something that you can also achieve through LSD usage, but it's not always the case. This ability can also be innate. In other words, one with synesthesia can be seeing music or hearing colours. For example, you can listen to a word and think that its colour is purple. In my own case, I am a synesthetic person, mainly concerning music. For example, when I read a book, quite often I can hear it, meaning that I sometimes hear melodies in my mind. This is something that occurs to me when I walk in nature too. That's why I can write music in a somehow automatic way when I am thinking of some story, a framework or when I am exposed to a picture. A few years back, I had once challenged myself on purpose, placing a book of pictures on the piano. I was trying to play this picture in music. That's what synesthesia is all about.

The title of the album was The Voyage and it was quite obvious where this came from. And after that, we were about to start a long tour. We were planning to do something really extraordinary this time. Uaithnia would do a common tour with Alexandria. We would divide the show into two parts and we would include an intermission. During the first part, Uaithnia would play The Voyage in its entirety and after the intermission, Alexandria would play their songs too. It was necessary for us to play the whole album because the songs were connected. The album seemed like a very long song and the ending of one song was the beginning of the other, except for the first track, which, as I said, starts from its ending.

The album was released on February 26, 2026, and our tour started instantly. I can say that it got positive feedback and for the first time Uaithnia started to become more popular. My main band had always been Alexandria, while Uaithnia was nothing but an experimental rock project, which my sister, Johanna, and I had both formed during my teenage years. However, after The Voyage, not only did we get more fans, but we heard many people say that they didn't like Alexandria that much, but Uaithnia were a wonderful band. The truth is that Alexandria is a simple prog rock band, while Uaithnia is doing more cinema-like and experimental music.

My mum liked the album too, even though it was about LSD. Mums are not always that excited when their children are interested in that stuff. But I had talked to her about synesthesia before. I was so happy to have realised I could achieve that too because this way I had understood what makes me write music. And the good job I did, because being able to compose music too, I'm not just a plain writer, but I can also put some colour to my stories. (Oops! I just made an indirect reference to synesthesia).

47. FAMILY

 

"Well", I started. "Tell me what's wrong and why you came back".

"No need to worry about me", she replied. Then she lifted her blouse and I noticed a swollen belly. I exclaimed: "Dina, this is wonderful news!"

"We are going to have a daughter", she said to me.

"And why did you just leave the States? I haven't quite understood".

Dina sighed. "Listen, my pregnancy is not the reason, why I came back. I just realised that I didn't enjoy this lifestyle at all".

"What do you mean?"

"I didn't want to become like Lydia. Cocky and pretentious".

"Why? Do you believe that were you still in the States, you would have become cocky and pretentious?"

"Ingrid, it's all about Broadway. You have to deal with excessive money there. Yes, I enjoyed what I was doing, I enjoyed the fact that I was highly paid. But I didn't want to become a diva, just like many other women I met. Do you know what I've seen with my own eyes?"

I shook my head negatively.

"Things you've seen at the theatre is nothing compared to what's happening in Broadway. I swear I have never encountered more perverted people in my whole life".

"I hope nobody ever did anything to you".

She laughed. "Are you joking? They wouldn't dare to. But, apart from the reasons why I explained to you, the latter was the main reason why I left. Stardom is not for me. Whatsoever, I wanted to continue my career as an archaeologist".

"It's hard to combine both. Archaeology requires a lot of work. Excavations and similar stuff".

"Only excavations?", she said. "I think you don't know much about it".

"I don't have the slightest idea about archaeology. I've heard about one thing or two only by my father, although he himself has studied ethnology".

"Furthermore", she went on, "I'd rather be playing the guitar in acoustic projects. I love interacting with my audience".

"Me too", I said. "I'm not really excited about the idea that in the future Alexandria might be rocking huge arenas. Small places fit better to me. Afterwards, I can chat up with people a little bit".

"How are things going with the band?"

"We are about to release an album in late April".

"Woah, you don't say. What should we expect from you?"

My tone became milder. "It is related to the Holocaust and World War II".

"Oh, come on now, Ingrid. How did you come up with such a disasterology theme? Has anything happened to you"

I cracked up. "If something bad had come up, I would be writing about my wounded heart, not about historical topics. I just read a book related to the Holocaust, which gave me such a great shock, that I wanted to reflect my thoughts about it in music".

"Have you been writing any book lately?"

"Some time ago, Jesikka and I published a book with short horror stories".

"Boo, this sounds so scary! You haven't informed me about it. Tell me more".

"Jesikka had this crazy idea that we spend some time in my summer cottage in Greece and write two or three short stories for Orchidea's Tales. However, we were stranded due to a huge storm, so within three whole months, we were able to write about twenty-five short stories. When flights became available again, we returned to Norway and published our book. It's called Tales from the Crypt and it's available both in Norwegian and English".

"And how would you comment on the writing process?"

"Jesikka helped me a lot. Whatsoever, she mostly writes horror books. Even though I'm an author myself, I usually write novels or psychobiographies. I'm not sure I have quite good skills so that I can write horror or sci-fi books. And of course, fantasy doesn't work for me at all. Quite often, Jesikka would tear her hair out, because of my writing style".

Dina laughed. "Have you now learned how to write such stories at least?"

"Yeah, somehow", I said. "I think I can put more action to the story".

"Great. Do this again and this time by yourself. Write your own horror book".

"I don't think I will", I replied. "I'd rather keep on writing novels. And also this year I won't have time to start writing anything else. We've just finished with the film shooting".

"What film?", Dina asked.

"Haven't I told you? A film director, who's a friend of mine, suggested I play on his film".

"That's brilliant. When is it out?"

"About May".

"I'm surely going to watch it. We will watch it together", she said laughing.

I can't say I was really fond of that idea. I don't know what was happening to me, but my feelings towards Dina weren't the best anymore. In the past, I have said that  Dina is the best friend anyone would want to have. I had always loved her as if she were my own sister. But when I saw her after two years and a half, my stomach was sick. I once again came down with all these awful memories, these ones about Lydia. And I didn't want to go back to those times. My heart was broken because I knew that Dina and I could never again have this strong bond that we once did. And that's why because I could never again look at her right in the eyes. Every time I would feel a bitter taste in my mouth because I would remember these terrible moments we all went through. I would remember that I had tried to kill myself twice and that I had been in such a terrible mental state, in which nobody in the world would want to be. For years now, I had steered clear from this situation and Dina's presence reminded me of these dark times.

In order to avoid negative thoughts, I wouldn't spend too much time alone. I was working on the songs for landscape-music.org at home, where I was also spending time with my daughter, Anna, as well as my partner, Ingmar. Anna had grown much older now, so we could have more common interests. We were still building jigsaw puzzles on the floor, but now we would make puzzles with more pieces, which fitted better to her own age. We also kept on playing games --we loved games, indeed and we would spend the evenings either playing games or watching good movies. Even though she was young, she wanted to learn how to cook (I think this is something she inherited from her father). She, indeed, knew how to make some recipes. And of course, she would always help with house chores or other necessary stuff in the house.

I liked to do creative stuff with my family. I had always been afraid that I wouldn't ever maintain a work-life balance. But then, I realised that both my work and my family had started to reach similar levels. Furthermore, I would never again mention the fact that I had missed my parents. Since I moved back to Kirkenes, I was visiting my mum and dad really often. And now, they weren't touring that long anymore. My dad had diabetes and doctors suggested he didn't take long trips. Thus, the fact that I moved back was quite positive, because my parents wouldn't have to travel to visit me in Ireland anymore.

I was intensively working until April 2025. I did all mixing and mastering by myself at home. So, on the 8th of April, 2025 I uploaded those sixteen songs I had written in landscape-music.org. Nobody learnt about it, because I never announced it and I didn't want to. I think it's great hypocrisy to start donating to charities and then trumpet it abroad. It feels like you are making a good action, only because you want people to applaud you. And this is something very common among artists. Many artists donate the hell of a lot of money and might even give millions away, but then they also announce it in the public, so that they get more reputation. All this instantly cancels out your good act. If you really want to do something for others, just do it without having to announce it. This is what actual altruism stands for, that is to make a good act, without expecting others to pay you back (in this case the payback is reputation and more income, regarding artists).

Furthermore, a drawback, concerning, charities, is the fact that you can't be sure whether your money goes to the right place or not. There are many charities, which don't send your money, where they should, but they keep a sum for themselves, in order to survive. This is not the case for landscape-music.org. This is something I've seen with my own eyes. If you were an artist, you could compose music for the regions (and not only), whose natural habitat needs to be preserved by this organisation. Income from your albums would be instantly sent there for preservation and the organisation wouldn't keep any sum for herself. That's why I trust it. And yes, I had obviously talked about it to other people, but I never publicly announced that I donate or compose songs for it.

In the meantime, the album's recordings had started for months now, so I was travelling back and forth from Norway to Wales. We didn't need to travel to Bristol this time at all, because the album didn't contain so many folk elements, in order to use traditional instruments. The sound was much heavier than our previous records and this has to do mainly with the album's topic. A record, dealing with such serious issues, like violence and war, needs a suitable sound.

During the Easter holidays we stopped recording and Ingmar, Anna and I went to Ireland for the festival. Then I remembered that I had left an errand undone. So the three of us went to Arranmore for the last time, to my former island. The cabin was completely destroyed now, so I had brought my equipment with me. The cabin belonged to the past for me. I would demolish it. "Come on", I said and Anna approached unwillingly. But as soon as I pulled out the hammer, suddenly Anna started to cry.

"Please, don't demolish it", she said sobbing. That was the worst thing to me. If there was something I couldn't stand at all, this was seeing the youngster crying.

"Ingmar", I said decisively, "tell the child she should stop crying".

"Anna", Ingmar whispered to her softly. "You don't have to cry about that. Our house is more beautiful. At least do this for your mum and let her demolish the cabin".

Anna accepted that with a heavy chest so I could demolish the cabin. I can't say I was really excited to do that, but this was something that had to be done.

After the Easter holidays, I returned to the studio. Our record was released on the 19th of April, in 2025, bearing the title Carpe Diem. The tour started soon after the album's release. This tour was slightly different from the previous ones and this is because we weren't always performing alone. In general, we kept our personal lives quite secret from people, that's why a few years ago I scolded my parents for always leaving their door open to the whole world. However, as far as closed communities are concerned, just like Yorkshire or Kirkenes we would open up to people much more than we originally did. Quite often, when we used to perform at the Blakey Ridge in Yorkshire, Raglan Hundred would be playing with us. And the fact that I had a family with Ingmar was not the case, really. Bryan was also engaged with Raglan Hundred's vocalist, Lisa, who had an angel's voice. Thus, quite often, the two bands would appear together in the UK, let alone the fact that we also had a common song.

Our tour would be over in the summer already because we had come up with so many ideas, that we instantly wanted to compose our following album. We didn't want to wait at all, but do a huge tour during the following year, when the next album would be released. In the meantime, the film was out in May 2025 and Dina called to congratulate me. Furthermore, she suggested me something: "Would you like to join me in an excavation project during the summer?"

"Where will it take place?", I asked.

"In Tenerife, in the Canaries. Spain!".

Did I really want to? I was feeling really bad about myself, because since Dina came back from the States, she instantly tried to reunite with me. And I didn't want to. I couldn't be her best friend anymore for all those reasons I previously explained. On the other hand, I fought with myself, because I realised she had deep friendship feelings about me, while I was the one who played it cool. That's why I agreed on travelling with her to Spain and in the phone, she was dancing with joy. This is another reason, why I was feeling so bad, because I had been so unfair to her.

There was much time left because this excavation would start in July and our tour would be over in June. Our last show, in June, took place in a small town in Lapland, called Sodankylä. I never understood why this name. In Finnish, it means war village. From that place, I hopped on the express bus which starts off from Rovaniemi and reaches Murmansk. It's a rather cosy bus, but it takes too long to reach Kirkenes. Seats are always numbered, because this bus is always crowded, thus someone always sits next to me. In this bus, something really weird happened, which at the same time was beautiful. At some point, I realised that a woman was sitting next to me. During journeys, I always have a book with me, so during these eight hours I can be either sleeping or reading my book. Furthermore, in case someone sits next to me and sees me reading, they won't start a small talk with me.

However, at some point, the woman sitting next to me, asked: "Hey, what are you reading?"

For a moment, I felt annoyed, because I don't like chatting with unknown people in the bus.  It makes me get too uncomfortable, because afterwards there is this awkward silence, as I don't know what to say. Furthermore, I was too tired after the tour and I needed some peace alone. However, I stopped feeling annoyed, when I looked up. I saw a blonde woman, who smiled at me and was probably ten years older.

"I am reading Umberto Eco's The Name of the Rose", I said, smiling back. "Have you read it before?"

"Hmm, no, but I've surely read other books by this author. Oh, by the way, I'm Johanna", she said and we shook hands. "You?" What a coincidence. Her name was Johanna, just like my sister's name and she even pronounced it in an English way, like my sister did.

"Ingrid", I said. "I'm travelling a long way. To Kirkenes".

"I'm travelling to Alta", she replied.

So, while chatting a little bit in the bus, at some point she interrupted me and exclaimed: "But yes, of course, you are Ingrid! Why I didn't realise already?"

"What do you mean?", I said in a laugh.

"You are little Ingrid. I can clearly remember you now. I am your sister Johanna's best friend and we play music together quite often".

I was confused for a while, but then I realised who she could be.

"Wait a second", I said, " don't tell me that you are this Johanna, who was at our place fifteen years ago. During that time, that my sister and I had formed Uaithnia".

"And we would make you go to bed early, so that we could be playing Skyrim for the whole night and you wouldn't be around", she laughed.

"And the three of us would be gathering mushrooms with our baskets, wearing our long braids and dancing and singing Celtic songs in the forest!"

"I can't believe this", she exclaimed.

"Neither do I. After so many years".

She hugged me. "Hey, did you know I was looking for you? I have been asking your sister about you and she says you have turned out to be a brilliant composer, actress and author".

I laughed. "Sisters always exaggerate about their siblings' deeds".

"Truth be told, I needed you. I need your voice".

"How come?", I asked.

"I've been composing an electronic album and I believe that your voice fits to that perfectly. What do you think? Would you like to join us in the studio?"

I thought about it. "I can't promise that to you. We're just done with our tour and we will instantly start composing our next album. If I find some time, I'll inform you".

"Well, it won't take long. There will be other vocalists too, thus your parts will be recorded in a month".

"Alright, then", I said. "If this starts by the end of the year, give me a call and I'll be there".

When I reached home, I called my sister and told her everything. "How funny things can turn out", she said "and you met Johanna again. She's a brilliant person".

I would spend a month with Anna and Ingmar at home. Then I would be at the excavation site with Dina and then come home again. Ingmar and I quite often used to take long walks in the woods together. Sometimes Anna would join us too. When she didn't, either we would take her to my parents' place or Jesikka would look after her. Jesikka had taught her how to play D&D, that's why we used to spend some of our evenings setting up D&D games. We all loved games and it was a perfect way to spend some time together as a family.

One day, Ingmar and I went for a walk, without taking the child with us. While we were sitting in a stone in the forest, he wrapped his arms around me and he said: "There's something I wanted to talk to you about for some time".

"What?", I asked.

He puffed out. "I don't want to sound corny at all, but I love you and I think it's obvious that we are a family. We could move a little bit further than just living together, don't you think?"

"So to say?", I asked.

"Probably, get married?"

Only thinking about that was scaring me to death. I really loved Ingmar and Anna, but I just couldn't get married. I didn't want this. I couldn't imagine myself being a bride with a dress. I freaked out.

"Listen", I replied. "I love you too, I really do, but...I don't know...this thought about getting married gives me the creeps".

"Why?", he asked and caressed my hand.

"Me with a wedding dress in a church...Christ!"

"Who asked you to put on a wedding a dress and walk into a church?", he said laughing. "Just imagine Ingrid on a wedding dress".

"Then what?"

"Honey, weddings don't always take place in a church. And, in case you don't want a wedding at all, we could sign a civil partnership".

"We are going to be a homosexual couple", I said and cracked up.

He frowned at me. "Civil partnership is not only for gay couples".

"I know", I said. "I'm just kidding".

"When?"

"When?", I repeated.

"When are we getting married?", he asked.

"As soon as possible. Today, tomorrow, in a month".

"In September", he replied. "So that we have more time to get prepared for everything".

"Yes, great".

"I love you", he said.

"I love you too".

Who could have imagined this? In five minutes, I, Ingrid Sorensen, who had sworn to die unmarried (and once said I never wanted children at all), I changed my mind and far from the fact that I was already a mother to Anna, now I would become a wife too. Who could have thought about that?

We didn't tell anything for the time. Whatsoever, civil partnership is not like a wedding, with people and all that noise. The couple goes to a police station along with their IDs and within ten days they get their partnership certificate at home. Of course, there was a ring, indeed, not just for the ritual. It's just that Ingmar is a person, who wants to fill people he loves with warmth. This is something that Anna has also taken from him. And of course, a wedding without a ring would seem a little awkward, although it was going to be a plain civil partnership.

That summer, as I had promised, I went to Spain with Dina. Dina had carried out an excavation again in that same place, so she could understand and speak Spanish perfectly well. Watching her work so intensely made me feel tired too. I used to dig out weeds from my garden and afterwards I would feel just dead, while she would be digging for hours under the Mediterranean sun and she was completely ok with that. At the end of the day, I realised that an archaeologist's job was way much harder than I had imagined it would be. Even though, we had a good time together, it was the last time we actually spent such a long time with each other. And it was such a shame, because for the sake of Lydia, I lost my best friend forever.

Soon after I came home from Spain, I paid a visit to my parents. That day, my dad was out for a walk, so I was in the kitchen with mum. "Your girl has brought some very good news".

"You're pregnant", she said.

My smile faded out. I wasn't and I didn't want to get pregnant again. Anna was my daughter. "No, mum. We already have our own daughter".

I lifted my palm. Mum hugged me: "How charming! When will the wedding take place?"

I laughed. "In September. And don't ever think of me as a bride in a church. Nobody will join, not even you".

"What do you mean?", mum said with a disappointed look.

"I mean that we will sign a civil partnership".

"Oh, that's great then! Truth be told, I could never picture you wearing a wedding dress".

"I can't even picture myself like that".

This time, my dad walked in. "Welcome home, princess", he said and I laughed.

"Thomas, your daughter is getting married", mum said.

Our daughter was informed about it too -- we had to explain to her exactly what this was all about. In the beginning, I was afraid that she would have negative thoughts, because children don't like extraordinary things, because they are scared to face their classmates' criticism. Anna wasn't like that, though. If we were happy, then she was happy with our decisions as well.

My friends followed next. When I met the band again, they asked:

"Hey, where were you off to?"

"I wasn't off to anywhere", I replied.

"Then, what?"

I raised my left hand. "I'm getting married in a month!"

46. SEIZE THE DAY

 

In September 2024, Jesikka and I were about to publish our book. Before it was taken to a publishing company, though, Jesikka insisted we corrected a few points, which I had written. Truth be told, the way I write can be really peculiar at times because I use too much everyday vocabulary. So, Jesikka advised me to use more abstract notions.

Tales from the Crypt was published on September 27, 2024. The next thing was the film I was going to shoot. When I read the script, I instantly realised why Andrew so much insisted I play on that movie. A young and lonely woman finds an injured wolf cub and decides to adopt it. She achieves to tame the wolf and, as she shares her life with it, she also covers her own loneliness. After having read the script, I realised I could truly identify myself with the heroine. I have always loved wolves because I consider them to be the most beautiful animals in the world and whatsoever it's common knowledge to people who know me too well to believe that I have a wolf's character, as I love solitude. Ingmar himself often used to call me a wolverine -- let alone the fact that I love Virginia Woolf.

The most marvellous thing was that, during the shooting, we used a real wolf. And strangely enough, I tamed it perfectly well, even though this cub was living in a shelter with people. In a way, it was growing up like a dog, given the fact that it was living in the same place with dogs. Therefore, there was no reason for me to be afraid that I could be eaten alive by the wolf. As far as Ingmar was concerned, I can tell that he was scared to death when he was informed about our shooting with a real wolf.

"I want you to return alive", he said to me, laughing.

Far from that, the shooting gave me such a hard time, not only because we were using a wolf. I had never in my life shot a film before, therefore I was met with things that I had never expected to happen. For example, there were certain scenes we were forced to shoot more than ten times until they were perfect and that was pissing me off. And although I was an extreme perfectionist myself, when working at the theatre, I wasn't meticulously paying attention to every single detail -- at least not to that extent. But the fact that not only I was shooting a film, but I had also a leading role in it, was a great challenge for me. Every time, I was going back home, my body was aching. Of course, Ingmar and Anna understood that what I was doing was so exhausting, so every night warm food and a huge fire was waiting for me. And at this point, I need to mention how close my family was to me. Ingmar was and still is the most supporting and affectionate partner, that every woman desires to have. Indeed, he was the sole person in the whole world, whom I allowed to be next to me when I would be working.

During that time, I was reading a book about testimonies by survivors of the Holocaust. I have always been interested to learn more about World War II because I consider mankind to be obliged to know about one of the greatest crimes committed by man against man. I have to say that this book really shocked me, as it was all about true, vivid and at times, freaking testimonies of people. I have never been shocked by violence and blood. I have watched a lot of freaking and disgusting horror movies in my life, just like Hostel and The Human Centipede, but I knew it was something completely fake, so it didn't have any negative impact on me. The Holocaust, however, was something real, a series of freaking actions carried out by man to another MAN (I highlight this). I believe that violence and perversion reached their forté during World War II and until today we are wondering how far man can get. That's why the Holocaust should be one of the first things that children are taught at school about. The history of your land and of your ancestors is not enough. Because having such limited knowledge about history might result in e.g. me trying to get in a discussion with someone about the crimes of the Nazis and receive the reply: "Come on, now, do you really believe that the Holocaust is something that really happened?". Yes, I do know people who believe that the Holocaust is something that has never happened. And I believe that what should be done on this occasion is to take all those Holocaust deniers to Auschwitz so that they can really see the crematories. I personally fail to believe that all those deniers are neonazis. I just think they are completely uneducated in history because nobody has ever taught them about this, so they can't bear to believe that man can become such a beast and have no restraints.

As was expected, I started composing songs, after I had talked with the other guys about the topic of our next record. We were planning to release an album during 2025 and I told the others that I really fancied a strong topic just like the Holocaust and World War II. I know it would be too difficult to write music about such a topic, but as long as we were a progressive rock band, I believe we could handle it perfectly. I can remember myself talking to Ingmar about my idea and he really encouraged me. He also believed that such a topic would be worth being popularised to a wider audience. I was daydreaming and thinking that during shows our audience would consist of antifascists and other open-minded people. Surely, this was a political issue and it's not impossible that many people would be calling us names, like stupid anarchists or communist pigs, but we knew who we were and of course, we clearly expressed the fact that we refer to World War II and not to some political ideology. And in general, none of us ever expressed their own political views publicly. Only I made a video once, in which I was talking about a few scandals within the music industry and at some point, I said that we are all victims of capitalism. But generally speaking, each one of us had their own opinion.

Then, after Christmas, we started working intensively. For some reason, I couldn't work after nine o'clock in the evening at all. After that time, I was starting to feel exhausted. I don't know if this is related to age. I was anyway only 29 years old and at that age, it would be impossible for me to get that tired. But in the meantime, I was also shooting a film, so I was working really hard. I had started composing a song, which summarised the topic of the whole album and explicitly referred to the Holocaust. It was named Carpe Diem, after Horace's ode. I can recall myself working for that song for whole days on the piano, but I couldn't come up either with the main melody or lyrics. Some day, I came back from shooting and sat on the piano, but almost collapsed from exhaustion. Ingmar said to me: "I think you had better go to bed. You won't come up with anything if you are so exhausted". So, I went to sleep.

The next day, I woke up early in the morning, in order to keep on with Carpe Diem. But it seemed I didn't really need to. Because, as soon as I went to the piano, I found the paper in which I had written some chords and I also found the main melody completed and EVEN written lyrics. What the hell is happening here? I thought. Have I been sleepwalking? I started playing the melody and it was the sweetest and most emotional tune I'd ever in my life played. I had never felt such a burn in my heart before. And while I was lost inside a world of flowers, the door opened and Anna came in. "Anna?", I exclaimed and looked at her. "Where is your dad?".

"I think he is off to the centre. He won't be late". Then, she took a look at the music sheet. "Ahaa", she said slyly. "You are playing this song, that my dad completed before you did". Then, she started giggling and left.

"Come here, youngster", I said. "What do you mean?". Anna kept on giggling and she walked inside.

After a while, Ingmar walked in and as soon as he saw me on the piano, he smiled and I went like: "Tell me this first, Maestro. What did you do with my song?"

"I stole it from you!", I replied.

"But why?"

"Because it was a masterpiece! I noticed you had a hard time with that one, so I wanted to give you a hand. Anyway, at some point, the two of us should...".

"Yes?", I said. The two of us should what?

He paused for a while and then said: "Nothing, it doesn't have any meaning. I just wanted to give a present to you. Do you mind, because I....you know, I composed the rest of it myself?".

I almost cracked up. Not only I didn't mind, but it was the best present I was given. After that, I was so speechless. But I approached closer and kissed him, and I could only whisper: "You sometimes make me get so emotional".

I think that after this song, I was floating on cloud nine. I was feeling so emotional about everything in such a way, that the rest of the guys were wondering what was wrong with me. I was playing the song on the piano and crying for two whole weeks. And when I eventually presented it to the others, I tried really hard not to shed a single tear. Vivian said to me: "Well, wow, have you composed this yourself?"

I laughed: "The main melody and the lyrics are written by Ingmar".

"It's so beautiful!", she said. Then, I realised I had started to fill with tears again. "Someone is in love!", Vivian exclaimed.

"Easy, my friend", I said and wiped my eyes. "Who do you think I am? I just got too emotional". Truth be told, though, after this song, as corny as this might sound, one single thought was turning in my head: I instantly want to marry this man.

The film shooting was completed in February 2025. Many of my friends knew I was going to take part in a movie, but I hadn't talked to anybody about the plot yet. One day, I went out for a coffee with some old friends and we discussed the fact that I tame a wolf in the movie. While everybody seemed astonished by this fact and considered it to be too dangerous, a girl, Anja said: "So what? It's indeed too dangerous, but not impossible".

Then I smiled and said: "Thank you. Wolves are marvellous creatures. So beautiful".

"I know. I have a wolf".

"What do you mean?", I replied.

"I have a wolf as a pet".

"And how are you still alive? Hasn't it eaten you alive yet?", I said laughing.

"It once bit my hand, because it wanted to play with me".

"Did it hurt you?".

"My hand was swollen all over the place!", she said and cracked up.

The truth is that no unexpected incident happened with the wolf. After the shooting was over and we decided that the movie was going to be released in 2025 while composing the album I was also writing folk style songs. I hadn't forgotten that I was a member of landscapemusic.org, so I wanted to contribute to this survey as more as I could. So, as long as there was much time now, I could get into this too. To start with, I have to mention that, even though my compositions are merely based on electronic sounds, the main instrument I choose when writing for Alexandria, is a piano. And I refer to the normal big piano of the house; neither a synthesiser nor a MIDI. This music was more atmospheric and more down-to-earth. I was trying to reflect the sounds of nature. That's why I would very often play YouTube videos of drives mainly through natural landscapes and I would turn down the volume. I had finally composed short songs, that sounded like a mix of Porcupine Tree, Hans Zimmer or classical music.

One evening, while being at home and composing, the bell suddenly rang. I remember myself wearing a purple robe, as I wasn't expecting anyone. When I opened the door, I saw a girl standing, with black frizzy hair, green eyes and a familiar childish smile. I couldn't believe my eyes. I hugged her and exclaimed: "Dina! What are you doing here?"

She laughed: "You didn't expect me here, did you?"

"But how? Am I dreaming? You should be in the States!"

"Well, I'm here. You are not dreaming. And I came back, planning to stay".

I looked at her frightened. "Please, don't tell me that something wrong has happened".

"Everything is fine", she reassured me. "But there's so much I have to tell you".

"Come in, then. What are you waiting for? Would you like some coffee?"

"Surely I do!", she exclaimed.