29. OPPOSITE SIDES

2019 was a year, that I didn't get involved with Alexandria at all. On the contrary, just like I promised Johanna, we would be writing our third Uaithnia album. I didn't want to write a sixth album with Alexandria. Of course, I wasn't thinking that this would be over, as I did two years before. It's only that I didn't want Lydia in the band anymore. Especially after our fight at the bus stop, only her thought made me feel sick. It was impossible for me to walk in the same studio with that person. That's why I asked the others if we could take a break and not compose anything yet because I wanted to get involved with Uaithnia. And of course, I said nothing about Lydia to them.

Before I returned to Ireland, I stopped in Oulu, Finland. I wanted to visit my sister, Monica because we hadn't seen each other for a long time. About that time, Monica was playing in a concert with her orchestra in Oulu, so I went to watch it. She was living with her husband and their two children in a village in Oulu, which I personally consider having NOTHING AT ALL. It was a completely uninteresting and boring village and I was highly impressed by the fact that Monica could be living there. Anyway, I was glad to stay a few days with her, even though Monica and I didn't have the same kind of relationship that Johanna and I did. Johanna and I spent hours talking about problems that concerned us, whereas Monica wasn't talking at all. Since we were young, the silence was her own defense mechanism. And then, I realised that I had started behaving like that, too. I used to remain silent, without reacting at all.

After my stop in Oulu, I returned home to Donegal. I had two priorities. The first was to write the album and the second to graduate from University. There were only a few subjects left for me, in order to have my degree. The only reason I wanted to graduate was that then I could throw it in this motherfucker's, Lydia's face. So, when being in Ireland, I was living in complete solitude. Very often, I wouldn't even open the window shutters, because I didn't want anyone to pay me a visit. On the contrary, I would be staying indoors, thinking about what I was going to write for the album. I had a few ideas, that's why I thought I could write a few short stories, which could be used as a basis for the composition of many of the songs.

 I was in constant communication with Johanna, Scott, and Vivian, and the four of us were exchanging our own ideas. Scott and I were also visiting each other, as he was living in Cork. Even though all of us were living far from each other, our music was connected and had one thing in common: it was campfire music. Honestly, it sounded as if we had camped in a forest and at night we had gathered around the fire, playing folk and acoustic music. Johanna and I were talking almost twice or thrice a day about the songs. However, when talking to me, she could understand that there was something wrong with me. At some point, she asked me about it, but I instantly changed the topic, because I didn't want to discuss with her my fight with Lydia at the bus stop.

A few days later, though, I was interrupted from writing, because the phone rang.

"Ingrid, good evening. It's Ivanna".

"Sweet, Ivanna! I've missed you so much!", I said enthusiastically.

She sighed. "I am calling you because I'm worried about you. Your sister, Johanna, phoned and said to me that she thinks there's something wrong with you".

"Everything is alright", I lied. "No reason for any of you to worry about me".

"Ingrid, you're not telling the truth, are you? You know you can talk to me at all times. I'm your best friend".

I was silent for a while, but then I stuttered: "Ivanna, everything....is.....shit!"

And then I told her everything. I told her that Lars hit on me and about these two times that I fought with Lydia: once when she spoke against Johanna and the other time at the bus stop. We were discussing for about an hour and explained to me that I should have phoned her instead.

"You should pour out your feelings, Ingrid. Otherwise, you'll be depressed". Well, I was already suffering from depression! Alright, I wasn't officially diagnosed, but I already knew I had depression symptoms.

"Is there anything in your schedule this time?", she asked.

"The truth is that I do. We are releasing an album with Uaithnia".

"Oh, that's awesome. I was just thinking that we could maybe take some time off and make a journey together".

"Journey?", I said excitingly. "What do you have in mind?"

"I was thinking that we could travel to Perugia, in Italy. It's a place with beautiful old stone houses. What do you say?".

"I'm in for that", I replied. "But I would prefer that we make it a bit later. Maybe in April that I will have more time available".

"Fine", she said. "But please, let's not make it later".

Nobody spoke for a while and thus, I said: "Is there something you want to tell me?".

"Ummm, I don't know", she said and laughed in a playful way.

What??", I exclaimed.

"I've got some news".

Then I understood and I said: "You're....pregnant, aren't you?"

Ivanna started laughing.

"You're the third person to know about it. The first one is Doug and the second your sister, Johanna".

"Ivanna, congratulations. I'm so happy about you".

                                          *********************************

As I said before, my second priority was University. I returned with a vengeance, decided to graduate that year. I also started to get involved with two fields: syntax as well as cultural theory. On the one hand, I was constantly studying syntax, filling thousands of A4 papers, drawing X-bar theory trees. It reminded me of these maths problems I used to solve when I was young and moreover it was a beautiful way for me to delete a few hours of the day.

On the other hand, I was also very interested in cultural history and theory. I had a relevant subject in the University and considered it to be really interesting. Our professor, Amanda Collins, was a grandma with grey hair and a bun, who was extremely likable, extremely Marxist, and extremely atheist. Unfortunately, many students despised her about her opinions and her poignant comments against superstition. During some lecture, once, she was talking about Beirut, Lebanon's capital. Then, one student said: "This city is haunted by ghosts". And Collins, with her sarcastic smile, replied to him: "Dear colleague, faith and scientific evidence are two completely different issues and usually battling each other". Ouch, that hurt. But she was right. Since you are in a University, studying science, you can't afford not to follow evidence.

Another lecture of her had to do with a community, that was living in the Caucasus and was speaking Greek, using vowel harmony and agglutination, just like in Turkish. She was talking to us about the fieldwork she had done, back in 2012, showing photographs of the procedure. So, at the end of the lecture, after much hesitation, I presented myself to her, explaining about my band.

"Are you this girl, who made fieldwork in the Mediterranean countries?", she asked.

"Yes", I replied.

"They had spoken to me about you, but I didn't get the time to listen to your music".

We discussed field works and after she wrote down my name and things, she gave me her phone number and her e-mail and told me: "I would really like to stay in contact with you. In case you ever want to make fieldwork in the Caucasus with your band, feel free to contact me".

I left with a wide smile on my face because I couldn't believe my ears. Professor Amanda Collins had just given me her phone number.

At my University, in the meantime, I kept on having good company with Michalis, who was also about to graduate soon. We were constantly hanging out and I would very often stay in his place, in Limerick. He had a huge house in a village, close to Limerick. In general, he was leading a very simple and frugal life and didn't even have a TV at home. Back then, this lifestyle seemed really exotic and beautiful to me, because I felt so alone, that I was thinking that getting rid of anything electronic would make me find real communication. I used to feel very safe with Michalis and he himself was protecting me too, as he was much older than me.

In the beginning, we were just friends. However, as time went by, we were spending more and more time at each other's place. However, he preferred to always take me to Limerick. He had even made a special place for me, so I could be coming and play my music. Despite our age difference, Michalis and I soon fell in love. And everything happened so fast. We wanted to move together, in the beginning, however, I didn't want to leave home. That's why I asked him to come and stay with me in Gweedore. But he refused, too, and the only solution was that I stay at his place only for a few days. So, I agreed with his proposal.

My relationship with Michalis moved on smoothly and for the first time, after many years, I felt that I had real company and someone wanted me because he really loved me. And for the first time, after so many years, I achieved to forget Josh, because Michalis was exactly the opposite from him and nothing about him reminded me of Josh. Oh yeah, I haven't mentioned the fact that he hadn't even known Alexandria. This means that to his eyes, I was just a simple girl, that he fell in love with. I also talked about Michalis to the rest of the guys in the band and I made sure that this would reach Lydia's and Lars' ears. Thus, none of these two would ever bother me again. However, when the others asked me to meet my boyfriend, I suddenly felt too uncomfortable and refused.

As far as my studies were concerned, the only thing remaining was my graduate thesis. Although I didn't know what I should work on, in the end, I thought that I could be assisted on my thesis by Professor Collins. So, at some point, I went to her office and when she saw me, she shone a smile and told me: "Welcome, little Maestress". I glanced at her with questioning eyes and she added: "I searched for your music on YouTube and it seemed to me you're highly inspired by classical composers. This is something very rare to find in nowadays progressive rock records". I smiled shyly and then I told her I was seriously considering working on my graduate thesis, assisted by her.

"Is there any specific topic in your mind?", she asked.

"I was thinking about doing research on my native language", I said. "I speak a Finnish dialect, used in Northern Norway".

"Kven?", she asked. Wow! She already knew the language. Awesome!

"Kainu", I corrected her. "This is how we call it in the native language".

I explained to her what I exactly was thinking about doing. So, she agreed on that and said it was a highly extraordinary topic. I told her I was planning to graduate soon, that's why I would have completed my work by June.

"By June?", she asked. "Will you have time?".

"Whatever it takes", I said smiling shyly.

While working on my thesis, in the meantime I was composing music for our album. For the first time, though, the topic of the songs had nothing to do with my beautiful self. This time, I realised that there was a particular topic: nature. And this wasn't something I had already decided to write about. I just set my mind free. And what came out was....me playing on my piano nature's music. This meant that there was NO electronic sound and NO synthesizers. Only the piano and nature. So, everything ended up being performed in a completely natural way.

Until April, I kept on working on my music, as well as my graduate thesis at home or at Michalis' place. But then, pregnant Ivanna and I set off on our journey in Perugia. Our trip lasted a week and both of us relaxed and left all of our concerns behind. There was nothing to worry, nor to feel pressured about. Both of us were in a beautiful place, having a wonderful time with each other -just like two best friends do-, talking about our problems and singing out loud while driving from one place to another.

But when we came back from Italy, I also returned to my routine. I was in constant communication with Johanna, Vivian and Scott and the four of us were composing. I had already told them that lately I was really involved with nature and this was what the songs were about. Thus in the beginning, as the album didn't have a name yet, we used to refer to it as the music of nature or our upcoming natural album. But soon, we found a title. One morning, I left home and sailed off to the island, on the opposite side of Gweedore, the island of Arranmore. (Árainn Mhór). I had recently started to visit the island and with a licence, I built a small cabin. This island is inhabited, of course, but as the years go by, the population is starting to decrease. Since I first started going there, it became my own island, my little shelter. And I kept on going there until 2021. In 2023, I visited the island for the last time and in 2025 I demolished the cabin. Anyway, Arranmore was an island with many plantations, full of nature, and I used to go there to relieve my soul. That morning, I was walking to these sweet meadows and I was thinking that our album should bear a title, which would resemble nature. Then, I found the title: Mother Nature. It was a rather popular and Poetic expression, which symbolised our dependence and relationship with nature, in the sense that Nature is the mother of everything and everybody and that there's nothing more important than Nature. After coming home, I phoned the rest of the guys and while the other two said: "YES!", Johanna replied: "Are you joking? I had the same idea too!"

"Do you mean, calling the album Mother Nature?". "Yes!", she exclaimed. Well, there might be a logical reason why people think that sisters have the same mind.

So, we decided to start recording in the summer. Vivian asked me whether we planned to record in Rockfield Studios this time, too. "I'm afraid that Johanna will freak out", I said. "Rockfield is a studio in the middle of nowhere". That's why we decided that in July we'd set off to London, where recording sessions would take place in legendary Abbey Road studio.

On the surface, things started to get better for me, as time went by. In May, I performed at the Celtic festival, which we had to do in a larger venue now. The reason was that the audience was bigger this time, as our band had started to become more and more popular in Ireland, so more and more people knew me. What is more, the festival was now connected to Orchidea's Tales, which had become one of the biggest storytelling communities in Ireland (I shall not say that it was the biggest, as it would sound too narcissistic). I could feel somewhat proud of myself, not because I had started to gain some fame, but in the sense that I could find a way to communicate with people, even though I couldn't do this on a direct level. The second positive thing was that in May I handed my graduate thesis to professor Collins and she was left astonished, due to my excellent work, as she said (For those who are interested, I made a comparison between the vocabulary of Lapland Finnish, Norwegian Nynorsk and Kainu) and because she didn't expect me to have completed my work in such a quick and effective way. So, on the 15th of May, 2019 I graduated from University, aged 23. Professor Collins congratulated me during the ceremony and she whispered: "Do not forget what I said. Whenever you need anything, feel free to contact me".

Soon after my graduation, I was feeling very bad about myself (not that I had been feeling better before), because I considered myself too teased, as I was still living in a village. I thought I was behaving too childish and immaturely, because I was refusing to take any responsibility that an adult woman should and live in a city, just like every other person. Thus, I decided to go back to Norway and rent an apartment in Oslo. And as far as my relationship with Michalis was concerned, I could ask him to come with me to Norway. I had a friend who was living in Majorstuen in Oslo and as soon as she heard that I was planning to move there, she said: "I'd suggest you don't find a place to live straight ahead. Come and stay with me for a few days and if you enjoy life there, then get an apartment". She was right. I didn't want to pay for it, the same way that I did with Ireland, where at the end of the day my life was shit. However, five days after my arrival in Oslo, I realised that the city is full of hustle and bustle and the place caused me even more stress than I already had. No! The city wasn't for me, although this was too immature, for my part. So, I told my friend: "Let it be! I can't survive in this place. I'm going back to my village, in Ireland".

So, I returned to my old house. I was hoping that after graduating, my life would become much better than before. However, I was bluffing. Things turned out really bad both in my own personal relationships and the band as well. After I came back from Oslo, I went to live with Michalis for some time in Limerick. However, let's face it, the age difference was a serious issue, at the end of the day. I was 23 and he was 33. We graduated at the same time, so he was working and when coming back home, he was demanding that I had made food and everything. It goes without saying that I would be taking care of him (as long as he did too), as he was working and I was home. But I considered it to be really unfair that he was also demanding that I take care of him, provided that we weren't actually living together. And furthermore, I was 23 and he hadn't married me. However, he wanted us to live, as if we were a 40-year-old married couple.

What happened one day was something unbearable for me. Michalis came home from work, looking totally pissed off -he probably fought with someone- and noticed me playing video games on my computer (there was no TV, so I couldn't use my PlayStation). He wouldn't even bother looking at me but headed straight into the kitchen. He saw that I hadn't cooked anything at all and then he started yelling at me that I'm lazy and I was bored to make some food. I was a bit scared, because nobody in my family had ever yelled at me like that, nor had behaved to me in such an aggressive way. And then, I approached him and said: "I'm no slave of yours. If you're hungry, go and cook something. Just use your own hands". Then, before I realised what was going on, I saw him raising his hand and slapping me in the face. "Get inside!", he screamed and pushed me towards the kitchen so hard, that I almost lost my balance. I went into the kitchen in tears to cook something for him. This jackass had the guts to slap a woman. He later demanded I sit with him at the table and eat. I didn't want to look at him right in the eye, but I didn't dare to protest again, because I was afraid that he might slap me again. He noticed that I was looking away and wasn't eating at all. "Aren't you eating anything?", he said to me. I didn't say a word, because tears were welling up. Then he approached me and hugged me. "I'm sorry", he replied. "I was angry with someone from work". I started sobbing, but he was holding me tighter. Alright, I thought I could forgive him. This incident had happened once and well... everybody might burst out of anger at some point. 

But the issue was.....that such incidents happened again. And the pretext was now different every time. And very often things were getting crueller and crueller. Now, I wasn't receiving light slaps like this. Sometimes, he was actually beating me up, usually using a leather belt. He once banged a rake's pike on my head, because I dared to dig up the weeds in the garden, whereas this was a man's job. But, I wouldn't go. I wouldn't go, because every time I was threatening him that I would go, he would apologise, shedding crocodile tears, he was promising me the moon and the stars and telling me every single thing a man can think about, in order to make a woman's heart bow down. And furthermore, in case I left, I would be alone again, and just like before nobody would want me.

I was obviously one of those victims, who instead of reacting, kept on being abused.

28. HATE AND JEALOUSY

After our album's release, a tour followed. This was a European tour, starting from Ireland, spreading to Central and Eastern Europe, the Balkan countries and reaching Scandinavia. It was a bit tiring, as we didn't have much time, thus we had been endlessly performing every night for three months. Of course, we did well on this tour, because in contrast to the previous one, I looked happier or at least not that pissed off. On the other hand, I wouldn't ever cease to have that empty look. And I know how awful it was to try and persuade yourself that you shouldn't feel anything, but after some point this had exhausted me and the better solution for me was to withdraw.

I don't intend to describe our moments on stage. More or less, you already know all about it and there's no point in filling up my story by repeating things. What is important for me to mention is the relationship, that we had with each other within the band. Well, I was spending a lot of time with Dina and Marko inside the van. We were having fun, we were discussing, playing cards, drinking, watching films and in general I felt that the three of us had a real communication. At some point, Marko and I were discussing about music composition. He was telling me that he was composing orchestral scores through a computer programme, called Musescore. Then I didn't either hesitate to explain to him how I was spending a large part of my day. As I had some knowledge about orchestra stuff and symphonic music, I had been able to transpose popular classical pieces into sheet music. Of course, this was something I'd started getting involved with since 2016, by transposing soundtracks by Hans Zimmer, Tangerine Dream and Vangelis. But later on, I started getting interested more in classical composers, like Béla Bartók (who was my favourite one), Dvořák, Debussy, Ravel and many many more. This was something I was mainly doing, just to kill my time, and because I wanted to skip life, and also because I was thinking of this: As long as I had the ability to transpose symphonic pieces, I could also upload them on the internet, in case some orchestra was in need of them. And believe me! They were rather accurate, because I did a lot of research until I got the notes and sound exactly right. Anyway, I talked to Marko about all this and he got excited. And since always I had this issue with Marko. When I was younger, I thought I was jealous of him, because he was involved with the orchestra and I also wanted to reach to that point. But now that he got excited with what I was doing, I realised that suddenly an odd feeling was emerging from my heart. It's what people call the familiar butterflies in your stomach. And the more he was talking to me and his eyes were lit, more feelings were coming out from my heart. I had no idea what that was. But my memory travelled back in High School, when I had fallen for him for three whole years!

It was impossible that I hadn't come over these feelings yet! Marko was my old school friend and my best friend's partner. It was NONE of my business to get among them and I had to be ashamed of not having stopped feeling for him after four years. It was a crush of my teenage years in High School. Now I was an adult and I should think sensibly. But I couldn't....Even though I felt that Dina was a sister to me, Marko made me feel that my whole inner world had turned upside down. I was deeply in love with him and I was feeling so embarrassed, that I hadn't overcome this yet.

However, I tried once again to swallow up my feelings and behave like nothing has been going on. Fortunately, though, I didn't show any odd sign and neither Dina nor Marko understood anything. Our days were going by smoothly and we were enjoying each other's company. Lydia would sometimes join our conversations, however Lars was always away from us. I was afraid of him, after the incident when he hit on me, and I suppose that he kept himself away, worrying that I might reveal what he had done.

I had been always sitting at the front seat of the van mainly because I was afraid of getting sick. The van's driver was my friend, Jesikka, from the storytelling fellowship. We would always carry her with us in our tours, because of my deep friendship with her. We were usually playing very loud music in the van, in order to get our conversations covered and we were discussing about the problems I had to deal with, concerning myself. I was telling her how difficult it has been for me to sleep at night. I could always open my heart to Jesikka, because she was having similar problems, as she was suffering a chronic anxiety. In general, Jesikka was keeping a very low profile and preferred to listen to others, rather than talk. And this was something common in the two of us and I could highly relate.

 On the 26th of November, we would perform in Tromsø, mainly because it would be Johanna's birthday on the previous night. She hosted us at her place that day and she made us dinner for her birthday. At some point, that night the rest of the guys went to bed, so the two of us were left alone in the kitchen. Johanna's kitchen is located in the most northern part of the house and there's also a door that leads to the backyard. We were whispery discussing in the dark, as a lot of light would emerge in the room from the night sky.

"This Lars caused a bad impression to me", Johanna told me. "And Lydia, too".

"Why Lydia?", I asked.

"Hmmm, she's a very sly person".

"She wasn't always like that. It was him the one who changed her", I said, stressing him in a rageful way.

"Don't be that sure".

Then I turned back my head to make sure that nobody wasn't approaching nor listening. I grabbed her hips and whispered close to her ear: "Johanna, listen and don't talk to anybody".

"What's wrong?"

"Johanna, Lars hit on me".

"What????", she yelled.

"Shhh, be quiet! You surely don't want everybody up", I whispered. "During the summer, before we left Rockfield. He stuck me in a wall and told me that he knew how desperate I was to make love with him and that it could happen once and then forget all about it".

Johanna was speechless.

"But....you....what?"

"Don't you dare ask me if I gave any right to him. He makes me want to be sick".

"Don't be an idiot! I wouldn't ever ask if you ever gave a man a reason to hit on you". She stood up and headed towards the door. "This motherfucker! I'll kick his ass!".

I ran behind her: "Johanna, don't....!"

"Why not, Ingrid? Because you don't have the guts to face him, right?"

"Johanna, I have nothing but a band. This is what I'm only left with. I'm begging you, I'm falling down on my knees", I said beseeching. "Don't talk to anybody. My band is going to be destroyed".

She looked at me and said: "Alright. Come into my arms".

I don't know how long Johanna and I were hugging. Anyway I was feeling really safe in my elder sister's wide arms. It reminded me of this time, when I was a little kid and she was taking me with her in Tromsø. And during cold winter nights, I would walk in her bedroom and tell her: "Johanna, I'm feeling cold". Then, she would take me close to her and we would sleep in arms, covered under the bed sheets. This is what she also did now. She told me: 

"Would you like to come to bed?"

Our discussion went on there too. "Ingrid?", she said to me. "Hmm?", I answered half-asleep.

"I'm not doing well with my band".

"Why?", I said and looked at her.

"I feel I'm unfairly treated. As if THEY are deciding for me"

Then I understood what she meant. I kept my lips tight and I said: "It's Dimitris, right?"

She said nothing, but sighed. "I knew it", I said. "And I had already told you before that he's mixing a lot with your life".

"What should I do, Ingrid? I'm supposed to be the leader of the band and I'm not even allowed to compose my own music", she said to me.

"Then, leave. Go and form your own band, as I did myself".

"At least, once we had Uaithnia and I used to write my songs along with you. But then, you withdrew from the band". I was speechless. No, Uaithnia wasn't dead at all.

"Johanna, what are you talking about? Uaithnia remains alive. After our tour, we're making a new album. And you....shall leave this band for a while".

"Do you promise?", she said.

"I promise! Goodnight".

So, without realising it, I had fallen asleep in my sister's arms, like those old days.

                                 *****************

After our tour was over, we decided to do our third Uaithnia album. I'd promised Johanna that we would and, neither Vivian, nor Scott were busy in 2019, therefore we could start working. At the meantime, we were in constant connection through Skype and each one of us was writing alone at home.

We were still in the van, when I was still discussing with the others about my plans for the following year. Then, Lydia turned to me and she said smirking: "And why do you need all this now? Johanna is nothing but a pop singer. You make serious music and you should not stoop to her level".

Hearing this, I felt as if I were punched in the stomach. About my sister....?

"Hey, Lydia. What are you talking about? You're talking about Johanna, not about just somebody", I said, while rage was bursting inside me.

"So, what does that mean that she's Johanna? She's nothing but a crap singer. That's the truth".

Then, I completely lost my mind and screamed:

"That's it! Enough is enough! You and your boss shall say to me anything you like, harass me, treat me like shit, but this is something I won't stand. You have no right to talk about my sister like that, because hadn't it been for her, you would be either unemployed or a failed psychologist. Do you hear me?"

I told her more things too, which I don't remember anymore and they're not anyway important to mention. But what is indeed important was that she shut her fucking mouth up and she didn't say a thing since. At least for a while. However, the whole story with Lydia wasn't over. When we came back from the tour, the same day, Lydia and I were together in Kirkenes, at the bus station. There's where I would go home from, in Bjørnevatn by bus number 900 and she, on the other side, in Lanabukt by 901. Then, suddenly she turned to me and said:

"You should be ashamed of yourself!"

"Why?", I said. "Shouldn't I stand by my sister?"

"Who gives a fuck about her? First, you think that you can be the only songwriter and the rest of us are useless".

"You are a liar!", I said. "You had written a song and you never presented it in our sessions".

"Because YOU told me it was too childish. Look who's talking about being childish. It's you the one who's refusing to grow up. You are 22 years old and you're still living with your mom. Peter Pan girl!".

WHAT A LIAR! I'd never told her that her song was childish! It was quite the contrary what I said. I liked it indeed and I told her that it reminded me of these songs that I used to listen to, when I was a kid. And the other thing....I was eating shit all these years in Ireland, so that she could just come and tell me that I'm living with my parents, only because I visit them every now and then, as they live on their own in a village, far from the rest of Europe! However, I stayed still, looking at her with an empty look, without saying a word.

"Stop gazing at me with an indifferent look. I want to strangle you, because you know very well what I've been talking about".

I kept on gazing at her, without understanding a single thing.

"You know that I'm on the verge of leaving the band, don't you?"

"Fare you well!", I said in a frozen tone.

"Don't expect me to sing in your next album".

I shrugged my shoulders. "And don't YOU expect me to compose anything about your voice".

"In case I leave the band, do you know what is going to happen?", she said approaching me. Woah, she was too short!

"I'll find another vocalist", I said in the same frozen and indifferent tone.

"Your sweet band and your dreams will be all dead! And then what are you going to do? Will you try to graduate from your studies, in which you also FAILED? Because you are worthless and a....slut. That's who you are. A fucking slut!"

I was staring down at her, without being able to understand why she was swearing at me this way.

"Don't gaze at me like an idiot. I know what you did in the summer with my husband".

"What did I do?", I shrieked.

"He told me everything. That you filled yourself on him and he couldn't resist. How could you do this? You have no boyfriend and you just went and slept with my husband!"

Oh, right! These are the fables that this son of a bitch told her. Then, I thought that I would be better off, if I wouldn't only not deny the whole thing, but if I would instead see where she will come into.

"Then, your husband is really faithful, isn't he, Lydia? He is so faithful that, once he gets horny, he can't resist at all", I said.

"You know about men. You do, because I've already heard you talking to Dina about your sexual adventures every night. Whore!"

At that time, I got to avoid her swearing, because 900 had just arrived. At least, before I got in the bus, I just told her Fuck off and I left. What did she call me like? A slut and a whore? This was unfair, really unfair. Not only didn't I do anything, but let's observe the whole thing a little bit better and see that in case I hadn't resisted enough, I could have been a rape victim by someone I....detested! That was freaking!

I reached home, carrying my luggage and this time I saw my parents holding a huge cake and chanting together: "Surpriiiiise!". Great! All I needed now was a surprise. I hugged them, put my fake smile on and said: "Mum, I need an hour to calm down". She said: "But....darling....".

"In a while", I said and left in a hurry, secretly crying. While being in an odd mental state, where I was either playing video games or sobbing alone, someone phoned me.. The other person on the line was speaking Greek: "Hello, Ingrid".

"Hey, Michalis, is that you?", I replied.

"Yes, I knew you were coming home from your tour today and I wanted to chat with you"

"I haven't been back more than half an hour ago".

"At least, did you have a nice time?", he asked.

"I think so", I replied.

"Are you sure?"

"I said, yes".

"When are you coming back to Ireland?".

"In January".

"I've missed you so much, my little girl".

"I know", I said warmly. "I've missed you too".

"Fine, I have to go. And don't forget that I've been constantly thinking about you".

I picked down the phone and I was looking away. He said he was constantly thinking about me? Why did he tell me something like this?

27. INTERVENTIONS AND GATHERING STORM

In March 2018, when we came back from our field work, we systematically started to write songs for our fifth album. I felt I was under the need, on the one hand to keep on with the same theme of my book, writing a similar album -that is to talk about how it feels to long for your old happy life-  and on the other hand to write something about beautiful childhood memories. The album was expected to be of a dark nature, as it would be a sibling to my book, however it would show that I once had pleasant memories.

As a band, we had long discussions about the theme of the album and thus we started writing: I would take the lyrical part upon myself and the whole band would focus on the melodies. The music was mainly inspired by the Spanish and Sicilian folklore, as for a whole month we had acquired and recorded these sounds. As far as the lyrics were concerned, of course, as I have also said before, even though our albums more or less follow a particular theme, it was impossible that we write songs that are all on the same page. So, we had even written songs, which had nothing to do with childhood memories. For my own part, I had given a melody to some Poems: mainly Shakespeare plays and sonnets or other Romantic-type Poems. I went back to my ol' rabbit hole!

After much pressure, Lydia decided that she would also write her own melodies. When she presented them to me, they sounded really exciting to my ears and I told her: "These remind me of those songs I used to listen to, when I was a kid!". Maybe we could use them, as our album had to do with childhood memories. However, Lydia finally refused to let us use those melodies in the songs and she seemed to be really disappointed. And I didn't even pay any attention to her, as long as this was her own decision. Had Lars told her anything bad once again?

It took us about three months to write all the songs. I played at the Celtic festival, while at the same time we did a huge festival in Norway with Orchidea's Tales. The festival took place in a concert venue, where we were telling tales and stories. What is more, we were also playing music and we had arranged some activities for children too. At some point, late at night, I was sitting down with Jesikka and we were discussing about the band and all those new ideas I had in mind. You know that with Deep Sea Creatures the band's changing direction towards folk and world music was obvious and we said goodbye to the atmospheric progressive rock music. Now, what I had in mind was to continue what we did in that album, but also take it on a higher level, by using more instruments. I wanted us to record with real traditional instruments and not only with a few synthesizers and only having hired two or three musicians. I wished to find a real orchestra, which would consist not of symphonic instruments, but of traditional ones, just like Loreena McKennitt did. Only that in our own case, this style of music would be combined with progressive rock as well as campfire music. Anyway, I was searching high and low but I eventually found my orchestra.

A few miles further than our studio in Rockfield, there was Bristol and there we found Bristol Traditional Ensemble Orchestra.  Whatsoever we would travel to Rockfield for the recordings, so Bristol was a comfortable choice for us to work there too. As it was expected, musicians themselves came from all over the world, so there was already a multicultural background. I had managed to compose music for all of these instruments and the reason was that, the fact that I had some orchestra conducting lessons at the music academy, back in the days, when I was a kid, played a major role in my composing skills. Only that I wasn't composing for a symphonic orchestra this time. But anyway I knew how to combine and coordinate one instument with another. Those musicians together sounded splendid and for years I had wished that I could get to create such a perfect musical atmosphere. The sound was huge and gave me a nostalgic aura. And there was a reason for that. I hope I won't be laughed at by readers, but the lyras, the oud and all these Eastern instruments blended with each other reminded me of Greek folk music. This was something that absolutely fitted to our album's theme, as it itself was related to childhood memories.

I don't need to excessively refer to how we were spending our time in the studio. Everything is already known and nothing had changed with the previous times. We would typically wake up early in the morning, as we would be recording for three hours in the morning and three hours in the afternoon. Vegetarian food, relaxing in the noon and in the evenings a good film and a lot of music (usually 70s, 80s and 90s pop and disco hits), which was combined with some good wine or otherwise we would go to some bar in Bristol, if we felt like driving at night.

The companionship I had with the guys was a way for me to cover the loneliness, the silence and the emptiness I was feeling inside. It was a very sweet and at the same time bitter illusion. However, I was having a good time with the guys, no matter what my overall mood was. We had even a few funny moments in the studio, in particular when Dina would often forget the lyrics and would stop the song, saying: "What comes next?". Or when Bryan would enter the room, playing the American Indian shaman. Or, when we would make a pause, every time I would play  Boney M's Rasputin on the Hammond Organ and I had everybody rolling on the floor laughing, because this thing....this thing sounded like you had been playing a really bad-quality game on the PlayStation!

As before,  we had booked the studio for two months. However, we would now record in two places at the same time: in Rockfield as well as in Bristol. And indeed, one would expect us to record first the band's parts and then the orchestra or the other way round, but not both simultaneously. But this way, not only did the whole procedure last less time, but we could also instantly correct all that was needed. While in Bristol, I also introduced my Finnish friend, Eira to the others. 

Although there was a chemistry between us in the studio, there was something I was annoyed by. Lydia had brought Lars with. Alright, I wasn't bothered by that. Whatsoever, we were living in a house-studio, so the rest of us were also allowed to bring along our friends and our families. Even Vivian brought Tracy with. However, my problem with Lars was that he was mixing up in everything, as if he was himself a member of the band. In the beginning, I was trying to turn a blind eye to the whole situation, but at some point Dina approached me and said:

"Listen up, we have ended up being eight members in the band, without us being aware of it".

"So what do you want me to do, eh?", I said angrily.

"Are you asking me, Ingrid?", she replied. "Do you like the whole situation?"

"Err, no, but...."

"Then, do something!"

That wasn't fair at all! I was carrying every problem on my back, and if something turned wrong, then they put the blame on me and I was eating shit. Anyway, at some point in the studio, I said: 

"Lars, can we talk for a sec?"

"What do you want to do with him?", Lydia said out of turn.

"Tell him a few things in person. Does that bother you too?". So, she shut her mouth up.

I turned to Lars and told him: "Look, I understand that you want to protect your wife and this is OK. However, you shall not mix up with the band's decisions, because you aren't even a member. I'm really sorry if this sounds harsh to you, but..."

Then he interrupted me. "Ingrid, you aren't but 22 years old. You have no experience in music industry".

"This is my own concern", I replied. "I've devoted my life to this band, since I have been a 15-year-old child. Let us move on the way we think".

After our short discussion, Lydia asked me: "What did you want to tell him?"

"Confess my love to him. Are you ok with that?". She asked for it!

Lars didn't ever again get involved in the band's business, however Lydia seemed as if she moved away from us during those days. Obviously, Lars told her I scolded him, that's why she was mad at me. So now at nights she and Lars were going out only by themselves and it seemed that they were cutting us out. So without Lydia, the rest of us created a stronger bond with one another. We spent our nights together, playing several crazy games. One of these were drinking one sip of vodka and tell facts about our life. One night it was my own turn. However, in my own case (everything was obviously set up), before I had started talking, I was asked some questions, which I had to answer. And all I was asked was What's wrong with you?  Why are your books so depressing? Why don't you smile anymore? etc. This time I couldn't afford keep on having an empty look. Vivian was next to me, holding my hand: "Ingrid, this time you have to talk".

I sighed and said: "Alright. I'll tell you everything".

 I told them how much I had missed this life I used to lead, before I came to Ireland, about the fact that I felt so alone, without a self, without a face, that I don't want to ever look at my face in the mirror, because I feel that I am so ugly. I told them I can't take love from anyone and that I don't want to do anything else than writing, because I am not able to do anything.

I even told them that I live a chaotic routine. That meant that I was living in an endless chaos, but this chaotic lifestyle has become a routine for me. I finally told them that Lament for a Dead Friend was dedicated to Josh, that its original name was Harbour Oil and I was hoping he would have time to listen to it. However, when he died, I changed its name, because I'd lost the most precious person in my life, after my grandfather, and I even hated myself and I would never ever forgive myself, because I let him die, without fulfilling his last wish.

"Let me understand this. You said that Lament for a Dead Friend was dedicated...to Josh?", Lulu asked.

"Exactly", I said.

"And did you have to complete that song and get through this turmoil, instead of throwing it away?"

"Shame!", I exclaimed. "We shall never throw away what we have started creating!"

"Ingrid, why haven't you ever told us?", Vivian said.

I shrugged my shoulders. "I won't be passing all my problems on you".

"Listen", Vivian said. "When you have such great problems, it's wiser not to keep these to yourself".

"This is why I write my books", I said.

"But you never open your mouth. You have to talk to your friends. Alright?".

"Fine. I'll try", I said smiling.

Well, bullshit. I would never open my mouth. NEVER! There was something that was constantly turning around my mind and I didn't dare reveal to anyone, apart from Dina, who already knew. I want to find my home. A place I can call my home.

Days were going by and we were driving back and forth from Rockfield to Bristol. Lydia still wasn't talking to me. Only at some point, she decided to call us and tell us some things. For a moment, I wished she would announce to us about her departure. But what she said was something else: "Well, I have got an idea. As we are becoming more popular and we make more money, I would suggest we create a common bank account, which we can draw money from, as members of the band. Whatsoever, even though we trust each other, of course, it would be better for everybody to make everything official".

"If this happens", I said "ONLY members of the band are going to have an access to this bank account".

"That's for sure. But, as long as we are a couple, Lars and I share our own money. I shall be drawing money and he can also use it. This is what happens on a family. And you, Ingrid, can share money with your parents, because you still live with them".

Wrong! I wasn't living with my parents. I was residing in my own place in Ireland!

Anyway, the rest of us agreed and we created this common bank account. The rest of the days went by smoothly and before we realised, the summer and the recording sessions were over. So we made ourselves ready to leave Rockfield. The night before we left, though, something shocking happened to me. I suddenly found myself alone with Lars in the room. Then he approached me and said: "Can I talk to you?"

"I'm all ears", I said uninterestingly.

"I want to apologise to you about my behaviour".

"You're forgiven", I replied.

"I....just....", he said and sighed. "I cannot get you out of my mind".

"Excuse me???", I shrieked.

"I want you, Ingrid", he said and headed towards my place. I put my hands forth, trying to defend myself.

"What are you talking about?", I whispered.

"Everytime I see you, I'm on fire. I want you madly. I know you want me too".

"Are you drunk?", I said.

"Drunk from love. I know you want it, let's do what we have to do and keep it a secret. We don't even need to tell Lydia. Let's make it only once and then forget it. Let's get experimented". Then I felt that he stuck me in the wall, placing his hand against it. He approached me, trying to kiss me. But I put my whole strength and pushing him away, I screamed: "Get awaaaaay! Asshole!" And then I left running.

During the following days, I was rather silent, but I also played dumb, so that nobody would suspect anything. After returning home in Ireland, I kept on with my studies. Even though I failed in my exams, during the previous semester, I decided that I would put more effort on this one. I even became more sociable, in a way. I became friends with a co-student of mine, Michalis, who was Greek and was then 32 -- ten years older than me. I had a rather good time with Michalis and he was very sociable, so I would forget my own problems, when being with him.

And later on our fifth album, Once Upon a Time in Autumn was released on the 14th of September, 2018 and a tour followed it.

26. MUSIC WITH A...MEDITERRANEAN TASTE

Just before ending the previous chapter, I described myself, in verse, being naked in winter's frost, while I once felt like an evergreen tree. This is how I indeed felt. I was feeling as if the bitter cold was extended through my bones, and as I was totally naked, pain was spread throughout my body. Because this was a pain too. And mental pain is much more severe than physical. Furthermore, except for the fact that I was in pain, my soul had become too weak.  Mhematoornings, I didn't want to get up from bed at all, because I felt there wasn't anything important that I could do anymore. However I knew that these were depression symptoms and I was pressuring this thing that people call self to get up from bed and go to the classes. I could do this. I wanted to believe that everyday is a gift, that's why we call it the present and that It can't be possible! I might find something important to do in the end, as I wanted to push out my forgotten self, who once upon a time was a fond reader and got her inspiration by Whitman.

As I went back home from Norway, I started writing my book with a quick pace, so I soon reached towards its end. I decided to call it Once Upon a Time in Autumn, that was an obvious hint about this Ol' Autumn Night, when I decided to move to Ireland, but also because I could remember my wonderful childhood in Norway, during autumn time with its beautiful brown and yellow colours. This phenomenon is called ruska in Finnish and høstfarge in Norwegian. So, this book was the trigger that I started composing our following album. I started with a song, that I named Once Upon a Time in Autumn, named after the book. In that song, I was describing myself as once being an evergreen tree and I was talking about the fact that I miss several situations of my past life and a single person --of course, Josh. It was a very personal song, being different than everything else we had done and its content was higly inspired by the Romantics. And indeed it was a love song to a great extent, because as I previously said, I was longing to feel being loved and I couldn't get love. Because I could never overcome Josh's death, that's why I could never get into a real relationship. Funnily enough, in the beginning I didn't want this song to become released, but when I thought about it better, I realised it could be a beautiful ballad. Whatsoever, people's favourite topic in songs is nothing else, but love. And fortunately I was wise enough to decide that we release it a single, because Once Upon a Time in Autumn is what made us popular and to this day it's considered to be one of our best songs ever.

Then, in January 2018, I brought my book to a publishing company for its last corrections and editing. A few weeks later it was published and, not only did it sell many copies, but I also staged it on the theatre along with a group of actors and I was also playing the lead role. Most critics were positive, even though many people thought that my language was too harsh and sarcastic. I cannot say that I didn't care at all about it. However I couldn't either do anything else, because this is what I was feeling, so this is what I was writing about. A few days later, my peace of mind was once again disturbed by an incident. The results of my exams at the University were announced. I sat for eight subjects and I failed in every single one of them. I had expected it! Because I hadn't studied anything at all and I was feeling so embarrassed, because my professors would be tearing their hair out, realising what a bolt-brain person I was. And the worst thing was that...I was already popular to many professors, because of the band!

I once again locked myself at home, crying about my own failures and once again thinking that I was so worthless. And all this was indeed expected to happen, as I wasn't trying harder. I mean that I wasn't doing anything anymore, but I was only fooling around, so when I would receive all these failures, I would be suffering from this low self-esteem. But then, things would also take place the other way round. That is, I was failing in everything, so I wasn't trying any harder, due to my low self-esteem, so my worthlessness was comfirmed. And these are things you cannot easily talk about with others. The others could see that I wasn't feeling OK at all. Dina wouldn't say a thing, because she knew,  but the others would constantly question about my mental health. Lydia kept on telling me that I was depressive and that in the end of the day I would be in a huge trouble, if I didn't come back to real life. But, as I didn't want anybody to get involved with me, I was telling them sharply: "Very often I have a low blood pressure and hematocrit", something that was often true, but it wasn't that serious, in order to make me be dysfunctional. Except for some really hard times.

Quite often I, indeed, had a low hematocrit, something that could make me feel totally exhausted. That was usually caused because of my lifestyle. I mean that my life was in total chaos and I didn't even have a proper meal, except for eating sweets and getting wasted. When I had a low hematocrit, during really hard times, this was also combined with anxiety, which was destroying me any random time, depression and despair, in which I was often found. Then, I would feel dizzy, I was in a total mess and on the verge of passing out and if there was someone nearby, they would give me something sweet to eat, which would help a little bit, but if I didn't have all this mental burden, everything would be perfect. I needed a hug full of affection. A physical touch, full of emotions and not just lust and passion. And of course, my real identity.

In February 2018, I had a meeting with the band in a restaurant of Dublin, in order to discuss about Alexandria's future. Lydia brought also Lars with, something that I personally didn't like, as I wanted to talk about several band stuff and Lars didn't need to be present and hear me talking about them. I wouldn't tell anything about him, of course, but I thought that some things shouldn't be heard by people, who are not in the band. Anyway, we would start composing our fifth album and a field work would be preceded.

"I would like to go to Sicily and Spain", I told them. "We could gather many traditional songs and use them in our music".

Then, Lars turned to me and said: "I don't think that this action will be quite profitable to you. On the contrary, you will have to pay such a great amount of money, so that you can make a research only for your studies".

Was he underestimating my own studies?

"My dear", I replied to him with a sheer irony in my voice. "I'm not using my band, in order to have a success in my studies and my own placement. Since our previous album, we have already started to travel to several places, that were the trigger for our future compositions".

Then, Lydia turned towards me: "It would be better to discuss with the other members of the band about your ideas a long time before you finally decide on them".

"Does that mean that someone of you is opposed to that? If you want us to go straight to the studio and record, that's not a big issue for me. I don't intend to pressure anybody, nor decide on anything just by myself! Everyone has to have a democratic behaviour in a band!", I said in an intense annoyance.

"Oh come on, Ingrid. Don't get mad. It was just a thought".

"Listen up", Dina exclaimed. "We are surely going to do a field work and there's no doubt about that. Alright? All MEMBERS of the band have decided for it. Am I clear enough?". So, every contrasting views became quiet and agreed on the terms. But I was obviously annoyed by this behaviour. To start with, when did I take anything upon myself, without first discussing about it with the others? Or wasn't it only the others that they had put all the weight on me and made me their boss, just because I was the band's lyricist? And what is more....was it Lars' own business to mess up with the band's discussions? In other words, why the hell did he care if our research would be profitable or not? At the end of the day, if he was in such a great financial despair, let them have it, I could pay their own expenses by myself, as I wasn't in a financial despair.

Anyway, we got ready to go without a hurry, as nobody would pressure us with time anymore. For the first time ever, we would release an LP with our own record company.....that means, we were the managers of ourselves! We packed our luggages and set off  a few days later. Of course, Lydia carried also Lars along with her --she could never leave this man! We spent the first night in Palermo, which I didn't personally consider to be any special city, but we anyway had to find a place to sleep to. Then, we rented a van and toured all around Sicily. We recorded musicians playing and dancing tarantellas, tavern songs and serenades. An old man there also told me tarantella's history. In Taranto river many deadly spiders used to live, which were named after the river tarantulas (yes, these disgusting hairy spiders) and in case they had bitten you, there wasn't any hope for you. The legend goes that the Sicilians invented a kind of dance for this occasion, that brings you in such an ecstatic condition, that you can be dancing for a whole day. And indeed, the blood has to stay warm for twenty four hours, because after tarantula's bite, blood becomes cold and this leads you to death. That's why the name of this dance is called Tarantella, if what I've been told in Sicily is indeed true.

Another common kind of song in Sicily is serenade, that was usually sung by men, accompanied by mandolin or lute. They must have been continuing the medieval tradition, when wandering troubadours used to play ballads, stealing women's hearts. Anyway, serenades remind me of Cefalonian songs, to a great extent. Even the vocabulary sounded to my ears a bit similar to the Cefalonian dialect. Talking about the vocabulary, Sicilian dialect is a bit like a different language. If someone who learns to speak Italian isn't that familiar with the Sicilian dialect, they can not easily understand it. I also wrote down some expressions, as a Linguistics student, because I could use these in the future.

Leaving Sicily, we sailed off to Spain. There were two places that I wanted to visit. The one was Sagrada Familia in Barcelona, which had a great impact on me, since I had listened to Alan Parsons' Gaudi album and I had also read Dan Brown's masterpiece book Origin. And as an admirer of evolution and the natural world, I craved to see this basilica after that book. And indeed, I got into Sagrada Familia and I saw the whole place, but our research wouldn't take place in Barcelona, but in another Spanish city.

There was this region, Galicia, whose capital was Santiago de Compostela, which had a great influence by the Celts so its music was a mixture of Celtic and Spanish medieval sounds. Since always, I had been dreaming of doing a field work in that place, because I'd heard so much about it.

In Santiago, we stayed in one of those beautifully-built little houses, that were reminiscent of a medieval village. Every night, I was sleeping --after many years-- in peace and with a wide smile in my face. The house had two floors and a small yard, where we could drink our coffee. We didn't stay at the city centre, but in the suburbs, so that we could find more peace. One morning, I woke up feeling the fresh air stroking my face and smelling the tasty breakfast, that neighbours were making. I put my floral dress on and walked down the stair, before realising that the rest of the guys were still sleeping. That's why I tied my hair on a clip, in order to feel care-free, wore my spring straw black hat and went out for a stroll on a warm Spanish February day. While walking through the alleys, it suddenly seemed to me that I heard some music and songs. In the beginning, I thought it was only my mind, but then I found myself in a square and in the middle there were women in circle, dressed on medieval uniforms and they were singing. At the circle's middle, a man was playing the lute, another a type of pipes and a third some kind of percussion. It couldn't be...these people were playing medieval music!

I understood that I would make a research on these musicians. Fortunately I had this ol' shitty recording device (or dictaphone, call it whatever you like) with me. They explained that these songs were coming from Christian pilgrims of the 9th and 10th century, thus they had a completely religious content. They were highly inspired by the Celtic tradition, that's why you could hear that they were accompanied by many instruments from Ireland. I learnt the song lyrics and I even recorded the women, who were singing them.

A month later, we returned to Ireland with all this content, being ready to compose our following album. I had already written Once Upon a Time in Autumn, so this means that we had already started. Now it was time for the rest of the songs. However, during that time I was a fond listener of power metal music, so this style was also an inspiration for me. So I managed to compose music, combining metal with traditional music and it goes without saying that I don't mean we had heavy guitars etc. Quite the contrary. The music wasn't heavy at all, but I was working on the following way: I was composing melodies, based in folk rhythms, and these melodies were accelerated in an extremely fast speed, as you can also hear in some Stratovarius riffs. I still wonder how the hell could I manage to play these melodies live on my synthesizer back in those days!

As I had already started composing a few songs, having a topic in mind, I started to paint the whole story and discuss about it with the other members of Alexandria.