15. ADULTHOOD

Monica moved to Finland, before I left home. I was upset and I cried a lot indeed, secretly from her, of course. Because can you imagine how it is when you breathe together with your twin sister for 18 whole years and she suddenly leaves. But anyway, at some point each one of us would lead her own way. That day, when I would move to Tromsø, it was my mother the one who drove me at Kirkenes train station. Everything was arranged and I was about to leave. When we reached the station, Mum asked me:

"Would you like to eat something? A sandwich?"

"No, mum, thanks. We will be offered something at the train".

"A comic book?", she asked and pulled a Donald Duck comic out of her bag.

I smiled widely and grabbed it away from her hands. "That sounds good", I replied.

"Fine, have a nice journey, love", she said and kissed me. "When you meet Johanna, call me back".

During the journey, I was reading Donald Duck comics, so I wouldn't be thinking of anything at all. No negative thoughts, because this causes anxiety to you. I reached the station, where the familiar underground bridge was located and there's where Johanna was waiting for me. Except for my luggage, I'd carried my synthesizer with me too, because during those three years I would be writing music for the band. However there was this thought that was constantly turning around my head: could I ever write the same kind of music that I did back to the village, as long as this place now is urban? And this thought was torturing me, because I'm not this kind of person who composes under pressure. I need everything to come out as naturally as ever.

At first, I went to Johanna's place, where we had something to eat and we were discussing about the next Uaithnia album. "Shall we make it sound more Celtic", I asked.

"Of course! And now that we decided that we are going to move on with that, we could also ask Vivian to join us".

I winked at her and told her: "We are going to be three girls".

While eating, we remained silent for a while. Johanna was teasing my hair. That time it had a dark red colour, close to black and I had let it grow very long.

"And you have grown up so much, even though we had always being saying that you and Monica are our babies", she said, as if she were dreaming. "When we previously met, you were still at school. Now you're going to be a student. A student! I can't even believe it".

I giggled and told her: "I lost my childhood three years ago".

"Oh, what are you talking about now, Ingrid?"

"Well, I know what I've been talking about", I replied. "Since I formed this band, it has been the end of lies. Then, I realised what it means to be responsible about anything. This is the end of that childish and carefree....", then I stopped, because I realised what I was talking about. Even though Vivian, as the most experienced of us all in the music industry, due to her age, was protecting us, we had slightly entered the star system, in the sense that we had more things to be concerned about and we had to watch out for every move we did -- that means that this was the end of every childish carefreeness. Of course I could always understand that every person has to deal with difficulties and worries, which they have to overcome by themselves, so why should I be worth to be pampered? On the other hand, I had started to miss my life before the band, where I was taken care of. Maybe the transition from childhood to adulthood should happen slightly and gradually, step by step, and not so abruptly, and of course, at the age of 18, as in every person, and not 15, as it happened with me. Because this might create a wide gap and irregularities in the development of your personality and you might end up living with your mum and dad until the age of 25 and remain a baby for your whole life. (And as I know what many people often say about me, even though I don't really bother, I'm sure that this is what they mean when they say that Ingrid, though she's really open-minded towards new ideas, judges things critically and is really creative, sometimes she behaves like an innocent villager).

After the brief aside which explained how I had to become an adult, I now have to say that there were two things which I should deal with. The first thing was the album with my sister and the second was my studies. As for the album, Vivian didn't only accept our invitation, but she even visited us in Tromsø. However most of our time was spent in my new house, which I was paying rent for. It wasn't that huge, but it was rather spacious, close to Johanna's place and the best thing of all was that the house was next to the sea. The room, in which I was working, had a huge window, out of which one could have the view of the open sea. Kirkenes wasn't that luxurious, although Tromsø was a city.

Concerning the songs for our album, they were almost composed during the previous year. Some lyrics were incomplete, but the whole picture was there. The album was Celtic in general with many Scandinavian pop elements (Scandinavian pop music is different that the American, as it has a dream-like sound) and you could also sense some bits of progressive rock music, only because it was me the one behind all this.

We hoped that we would have released the album by Christmas, because then I should get involved with Alexandria. I hadn't thought of anything concerning Alexandria's following album, but I was sure that we would come up with some great concept along with the others once again. Now, I would be studying a real science and composing would come easier. Anyway, Johanna, Vivian and I went to the studio in Tromsø and started instantly recording. People, which we worked with, were more or less the same as in the previous album....almost the same. Ivanna was playing viola da gamba, Doug was playing ukulele (Indeed ukulele!), Vivian was paradoxically on the bass and an Irish friend was also playing bodhrán. Now, there was an issue I was bothered by, but in the end Johanna fortunately gave up. She wanted us to work once again with her fiancé, Dimitris Ahiladellis. I was pissed off and told her:

"Johanna, I'd like to play my keyboards exactly the way I want. I don't need any support. If needed, I can grow ten hands".

And then the whole discussion was over. My reply wasn't a lie, as I had something specific on my mind. Not even the best pianist in the world could be in my own mind, in order to understand what I wanted. And by no means do I want to glorify myself, (What is more everybody knows that my opinion about what I can achieve isn't only modest, but can at times be completely dismissive. But I have always considered that low self-esteem is way better than naricissism) but what I mean to say is that I had a specific sound in my head, whose way of performing couldn't be explained not even to Chopin. And as this was an album with a lot of Celtic features, I also played the harp and the accordion. Of course, some songs paradoxically included a Hammond Organ. Nobody would have expected this to such an album, but the sound was used mainly as an echo and also to enrich the album. It was impossible for me to play Hammond Organ more intensely and with Alexandria it would be completely stupid to play the organ to every song. Moreover there wasn't any specific topic to the album, even though in every song there was a strict guideline story. However we did what we were talking about in the beginning. Let's start composing and see what comes out.

During this time I also started school. I wished I would find new friends, however it seems that many people had already known me. In the beginning, I viewed this in a positive way, in the sense that I was popular and that I would make many friends. I was a rather shy person and it was hard for me to socialise. Something that seemed odd to me was that in the enrolment day, many future students (usually girls) used to come along with their mothers, as if they were pupils. On the other hand, though, I suppose they didn't have the feelings I experienced myself. In the gaze of the huge University building, I felt like the floor under my feet would sink and would swallow me up. And the building inside was so grandiose. I thought I would fall off the stairs or that every student was looking at me. I was even embarrassed to go to the secretariat, because I thought I would say something stupid and I would be badly criticised.

However, during the first months I'd been very enthusiastic with school. I was always involved with the natural environment and the animals, but now I was in the thick of it more than ever. I had become a vegetarian, I was a volunteer in organisms that protected animals and of course I would send money at the Australian NPO, where Josh was a member too. Finally, I became a permanent scouts member, where I would once again protect my cubs. This was the best, because this way you could learn how to survive alone in nature and this was a knowledge quite useful for my future career.

This kind of return to nature was also added as a topic to some of the songs that I wrote with Johanna. As I said before, due to my exams, I had stopped composing, therefore I was left with a few lyrics. So now that I had a heap of time on my hands, I could find more inspiration. What is more, it is said that musicians can be inspired by several phases of their lives. And it's not a lie that all my stories and songs describe my whole life. It's my whole life on paper.

After recording everything and having mixed the album, we released it on the 11th of November, 2014 under the title The Book of Knowledge. The title was Johanna's idea towards me, because now that I was in the University, I was rather excited and happy about my studies. Johanna was jokingly calling me a scientist, because she said that I liked talking about cosmology phenomena, as if I were a scientist. After the album's release, Johanna, Vivian and I went to Kirkenes and threw a huge party, where we gave sweets away and we were offering the album to our family and friends for free. Then, we played both of our albums live at the backyard of my house (even though the cold was really bitter), in the presence of my parents and siblings. And unfortunately we never got the chance to play the album live.

Truly and without exaggeration, I have to say that this night was the last night that I had been feeling happy about my life. After that, days of happiness were gone for at least seven years. And I don't wish to my worst enemies to suffer the same turmoil that I did since the 12th of November, 2014 until early 2023. Because as happy as I was from the age of 16 to the age of 18, so depressed was I from the age of 18 to the age of 25 (When I was 27, I could finally say that I was happy with my life), without dramatising the whole situation. I'll get straight to the point. On the 12th of November, 2014, when I woke up in the morning after the intense all-night party, I found my mother sitting in the living room, reading a book. When she saw me, somehow dishevelled and having black circles under my eyes, she realised I had a terrible hungover. She smiled and asked me:

"Do you want a coffee?"

And before she even got the chance to stand up, immediately the phone rang. She was speaking Russian, therefore I realised it was Grandma Kristi. Her look was grim, when she heard grandma talking to her and I could catch something like: Hospital...is it serious? In the end, she said: "Alright, we are coming at the moment".

"Mum! What's wrong?", I instantly asked.

She kept her head inside her hands for a while and then she said: "Grandpa Lauri vomited last night and said this morning that he was feeling a bit dizzy. He's been put into hospital. We have to go".

"Is...is it serious?", I asked.

She avoided looking into my eyes.

"Mum, tell me!", I exclaimed.

"I don't know. We will see. But don't tell your siblings anything about it yet".

I got myself ready, taking my passport and visa with me and I got into my mother's car. All the way I didn't say a word, but I was only thinking. Grandpa Lauri was one of the greatest inspirations of my life. He had travelled all around the world and he had seen millions of wonders. He was an open-handed man, he was helping everybody that got involved with him, he was upright and honest, he would never do anything tricky behind your back and most of all loved adventure. Indeed, when he once caught Johanna playing video games with our cousin, one of aunt Kati's three children, Lauri, he yelled at them:

"Get out of there! When I was your age, I had travelled throughout the Pacific Ocean. Damn you, Lauri, you were even given my name!"

He was always telling me his stories and I once even wrote them down. This man was living his life to the full and made his dreams come true. When my mum was pregnant with me, my parents had decided that they'd give me two names: Ingrid and Danae and that they'd call me Ingrid. However grandpa Lauri was really taking care of mum during that time, so she promised that I would be also given the name Laura after him. So I ended up having three names! And coincidentally I also have granpa Lauri's adventurous and explorative nature and in the end I even travelled all around the world. However now I knew he was almost 92. The end was near. And this thought was killing me. I couldn't stand without my granpa. And I had never found the chance to express to him how important he was to me and how much I loved him, because I was a coward and had never been able to talk about my feelings to others.

We reached the hospital in a rush, where my grandpa was. He was lying in a bed and his eyes flashed, when he saw me:

"Ingrid, look how much you've grown up!"

I held tight his hand and he said:

"Do you remember? When Johanna fell off the tree and broke her arm, we brought her here and you were so tiny. Then you learnt your first words in Russian".

"Of course I do! How could I not remember?"

Of course I DON'T remember. I just didn't want to upset grandpa. But I suppose it's quite logical that I would repeat words. My mum was speaking Russian to me until that age and then she stopped, however my mind had the memory of the language. And then I was two years old in a hospital with my sister, who had broken her arm and the nurses were speaking gibberish to my ears. So, it was logical for me to repeat these words, even though this doesn't mean that I could understand what they meant.

My grandpa was diagnosed with anaemia or kidney insufficiency. Anyway it was rather serious for his age. We stayed for eleven days at the hospital with him and then the doctors discharged him. However, things weren't getting well and his health was getting worser. My mum was begging me to move back to Tromsø and was telling me that it was impossible that I'm leaving my studies already in the first year.

"I'd rather leave my studies than leave my grandfather".

However, on the 25th of November I went back, so we could celebrate Johanna's birthday and I could bring her to grandpa. I was saying that I wouldn't go back to the University until grandpa recovered. However I had a inner feeling that he wouldn't get well. That thought was depressing me and I knew that I had to be thinking only in a positive way, but I knew that in that age it was really hard for him to get well. At the meantime, I was clowning about my grandma, pretending that everything was alright, so she wouldn't be thinking of anything negative. I was keeping company to her, we were talking about the band, my studies and we were telling stories. On the other hand, I was insomniac at night and I was thinking that something terrible was going to happen. I had never again been so anxious, not even during my exams for University. At least I was joking around with the whole situation and I used to go wild with my friends to release our whole energy. Now, things were dramatic and I was taken down by depression, because I knew it wasn't something temporary and that's why I was feeling useless, as I knew that I couldn't help even during that time.

The worst came during mid December, where doctors informed us about grandpa's disease. We were informed that he was suffering intestine cancer. I was hoping that he would come over this, because due to his age, his cells might not be multiplied and cancer wouldn't metastise. Even though he started a chemotherapy, he didn't want to go to the hospital. So, we decided we'd better take him at home in Kirkenes. This fact was what worried me mostly, because I knew that they were coming to stay with grandpa for as long time he had enough to live. At least, as it was our annual tradition, since I was born, the whole family spent Christmas together, along with Kati and her three children: Viggo, Lauri and Sanni.

When 2015 came, Josh came from Australia, as he wanted to support me. However, there was something wrong with me. I didn't want him to come, nor see him at all. So, even though I tried to pretend, I was really cool towards him. In the beginning, he just thought that I didn't have any lust for anything, because of the situation. However, after a while, he said:

"Are you angry against me?"

Then I got pissed off and said that he was insensible and inopportune. And this was actually our first serious fight. But later I apologised to him and said to him in tears: "I can't keep track of all that is happening. It seems like a nightmare to me!". However he hugged me and told me that this was the reason why he was here -- he didn't want me to go through all this by myself. Then, I felt angry with myself, because I got pissed off with this man, who was doing everything for me and I behaved like a prick. The truth, though, was that I wanted this nightmare to be over. No matter what consequences it would bring.

And finally I paid for this last thought. On the 20th of January in the morning, grandpa was sitting still in the living room:

"How are you?", I asked.

"Better than ever", he said in a scary and worrying serenity. I looked at him joyfully.

"So, how are you feeling?", I asked excitingly.

"Do you see that owl?", he asked and showed behind me. I saw an owl made of clay, hanging in the wall. In fact, it was in that spot much before I was born, so I hadn't ever noticed it.

"I brought it after a journey in Australia", he moved on. "I feel like the owl, which was closed for years on her cage and someone finally opened the door to her. But now she's out, she has spread her wings".

I looked at him in question.

"Come here, Ingrid, that you have taken your second name after me -- fairly enough, as we resemble each other. Sit in your nest", he said. At the beginning I was afraid to sit on his laps, as I was too heavy for him and he had become so weak.

"Listen to me, youngster", he said. He kept me in his arms. "You are Niki's youngest child. But you are the one, who makes her dreams come true. So, live your life, exactly the way you want and do not compromise with what you MUST do. Travel all around the world, get into new adventures, do anything that you have never ever done until now. Spread your wings and become just like this owl".

I held him tight: "I promise", I said.

"Could you please bring me some water?", he asked.

I rushed to the kitchen. But when I returned with the glass in my hands, I bumped it abruptly on the table. I touched grandpa Lauri, but he wasn't moving at all.

"Mum!", I screamed. "Grandpa....!" 

I fell to pieces. I had lost a person, who was everything for me and I loved him, because he formed the greatest part of my personality.