14.EXAM PERIOD

At Christmas 2013, Monica and I travelled to Johanna's place in Tromsø. She had finished the tour with her band, so she was now spending her holiday at home. The moments, that the three of us had, were filled with emotion, as we hadn't spent Christmas together as a family, since our childhood. During these vacations, I told her the whole truth about Uaithnia. When we went to the train station, I told her that it was that particular bridge that had inspired me to write Uaithnia's story. And later, at home, I told her exactly what I had thought.

"As our schedule is now empty, why don't we write another album?", Johanna asked me.

"Hmm, that sounds good!", I told her. "But what exactly could we write about? I mean that in the first album we wrote about Uaithnia's story. And what about now?"

"We are going to tell the story of another girl", she said laughing.

"Johanna, stop pulling my leg!".

"Hey, I'm joking. Well, we don't need to have a specific concept in our minds. We are no progressive rock band. We could start writing something and see what comes out".

Monica said she didn't want to participate in this, as she wanted to study for the exams and moreover this didn't immensely express her. She was thinking of studying music in Finland, at Oulu University.

As for me, I started instantly writing music, however the whole composing process here was completely different than it was in Kirkenes. That means that the place would in a great extent influence the style of music I would write. Because Tromsø was an urban place, a relatively big town, and this means that every time I would try to look outside, in order to become inspired by something, my source of inspiration was a town and not the paradise I was living in. And that wasn't necessarily bad, because it was interesting as well to write about the shitty aspects of the world.

However, now it was impossible to write about a specific topic or about topics anyway, which were related to each other. And that was true for several reasons. To start with, Johanna and I decided to start writing whatever we wanted and see what comes out, so that means that we didn't have any discussion concerning specific topics. Stories were indepentent from one another. Moreover, I would be composing in two different places, because I was about to stay only for two weeks in Tromsø and then I would go back to the village. Consequently, I wouldn't have a single source of inspiration. And the last and most important was that I wouldn't be systematically writing, because it was my exam period and this was what I should focus on. So, everytime I would be sitting on the piano, a new story would begin.

Then, in the beginning of January, I travelled back to Kirkenes. A huge surprise was waiting for me there. Our crazy company had grown much bigger and now there were more people sleeping at the house. Lulu had a friend, Eva, who was in my age and was also sitting for the exams. The other girl is Jesikka Koskela (from Orchidea's Tales) and the third girl was our beloved Sofia Simensen. The craziest of them all was Eva, who every night was boozing and was making a great noise along with Sofia. Jesikka was also drinking a lot, but she was the calmest of them all. In fact, the most quiet was me and, generally speaking, if I drink too much, I don't go wild, but I'll just start talking too much and become really annoying, or in the worst case I might start dancing on table tops. Sofia used to be in the same company with Timo, but stopped talking to him and called him motherfucker and fascist. The same problem I also had with him. Anyway, at mornings we were really serious, if we didn't have a terrible hungover, but at night we were wild. It reminded me of those days of the tour in Germany.

Talking about a tour, in February we did a few gigs with the band in Norway. It was sad, though, because we were then more popular and we couldn't enjoy that, because we had a limited time. However, after a show a few kids about my age approached us and asked me: "Could you sign an autograph for us?". I did it, of course, but my hands were shaking and I was astonished. I was thinking on my own: Wow, we reached to a point where my peers are asking for an autograph. Also, on the next day I had school and whenever I told Mrs. Anthi, she replied to me: "Nothing to worry about. This is only the beginning".

In fact, I was an extremely modest person and during such moments I was actually feeling uncomfortable. On the other hand, my anxiety for the exams made me be constantly overwrought and I would let rip in several ways. I was listening to music at home on my own, I was head-banging, banging the keyboards, playing stupid songs on the piano, singing at the top of my voice, as long as nobody could see nor hear me. I was also reading Walt Whitman, thinking that I am who I am and I don't care what the others are thinking about me. At school, I was dressing like a hippie, sometimes tying my hair in braids and I was wearing a fisherman's hat. I was entering the classroom being late on purpose, opening the door with a look, as if I were stoned, but didn't say a thing. Then, I was sitting on a desk at the back, opening my bag, not too discreetly, giving away to my classmated cream crackers as well as biscuits: and all this during the lesson. However, the teacher didn't ever say anything, because she could understand how pressed we were feeling with all this and that we somehow wanted to let rip. On the other hand, Monica kept on being patient even during the exams and she was extremely quiet. Probably her silence was her defence mechanism and she was in her own world and thoughts, exactly as I did later.

Music was also very helpful concerning anxiety. I kept on writing the second album of our band with my sister, because I could forget my anxiety this way. But we had no deadline for that. Johanna said it would be released, after I had passed the exams for University. That was fortunate for me, not just because I wouldn't have time, but because I wouldn't have enough courage and moreover I wanted my mind to be busy only with school.

Until May, I had a completely monotonous life. But then, the days when I would sit for the exams were close. And still I was desperate that I wouldn't achieve anything and I would burst into tears. But in the end Monica and my mum would help me get this over and even Mum would help both of us with the subjects. I hoped I could pass at Tromsø University, but I couldn't estimate the results at all. So, in July it was mine and Monica's birthday and then we became adults. We went out with friends, we got really drunk and I realised that I had passed out and I was carried home  and the only thing I remember was that the following day I had a terrible hungover.

During that summer, while expecting the results, I was enjoying my vacations going out with Sofia's company usually downtown, in order to watch shows or have a drink. It was our typical crazy gang and we were going out only to let rip after the exams' anxiety. However, I would release energy in a completely different way. Of course, I would get blind drunk too, but during the way I had found other ways to escape from anxiety. I was often going trekking with friends or I was volunteering in a scouting camp. Of course, these were kids, my Cubs, as we would say and I was their captain, so I was teaching them about survival techniques and similar other stuff.

That summer Josh also came along to the camp. Primarily, he wanted to help me take care of the Cubs, but this was a chance for the two of us to be together and also do something together. In fact, this summer I felt I came very close with Josh, not just because we were staying together at the camp, but also because we had several discussions with each other. Josh talked to me about his family and the problems he was dealing with. And I told him that I couldn't open my mouth easily, how difficult it was for me to talk to others and also for my very low self-confidence. One night at the camp, after putting the Cubs to sleep, Josh and I were lying together in arms below the starry sky. Suddenly, he said: "Have you ever thought to come and study in Australia?"

I laughed and replied: "I've already applied for Tromsø University. I'm never going to leave Norway, for any reason. Why aren't you moving here with me?"

"Errr, I can't", he replied sharply. "I have to stay in Austalia. I can't leave my doctors".

As soon as I heard the word doctors, I sprang up.

"Josh, are you hiding anything from me? What kind of doctors are you seeing?"

"Calm down, darling....I mean", he stuttered, "I have some walking problems and I have to see some doctors".

I didn't reply at all, however the thought of doctors was scarying me and I would connect it to negative feelings.

Summer passed and in the end of August I already knew the results. Monica was going at Oulu University and I was accepted at the Tromsø University at the Geology and Geoenvironment Faculty. Then I realised how glad I was for two reasons: Firstly, I would study what I wanted and secondly I would be meeting my sister more often. So, with Johanna's help, I started searching for a house to rent and prepared myself to enroll to school.