In the end of September, I returned to Gweedore and this time I was ready to move there forever. Lydia had to understand that piano lessons should be over, as I wouldn't be living in Norway anymore. Anyway, Vivian found a house for me in Upper Dore, which had the view of Errigal mountain and Clady river. I carried everything I had in Kirkenes along with me and of course, my grandpa's owl. The good thing with that village was that it wasn't as remote as Kirkenes, where you had to travel to Vadsø, in order to shop properly. To start with, Dungloe was fifteen miles away and Lifford about an hour away, travelling by train, and it was also Donegal's capital. Ireland was obviously much different that Norway and Scandinavia. Norway was full of dense trees and sometimes you would feel isolated between them, but this is something that I particularly loved. However, Ireland was a more open and warm country and, even though it was full of green meadows, you wouldn't be surrounded by an endless forest.
In the beginning, it was too hard for me to get used to the new place, as there wasn't any familiar person there. Vivian was living in Dorset, so she wasn't there to help me and I was only nineteen. And back then, when I was living in Tromsø, Johanna was the one who kept me company. It was the first time for me now that I was living in a foreign country, completely on my own and now I knew it was my new house. But what really impressed me was that since people were informed about my arrival in that place, they instantly wanted to lunch me, as I was the newcomer. This was something missing from Norway and reminded me of the attitude of Greek people, only that people in this village were no gossipers. On the contrary, they really cared about you and accepted you as a member of their great family.
After making myself feel convenient in my new house, I went away with Alexandria on a tour. This time things were a bit different, because we were seven people onstage along with Scott, who became a permanent member of the band. Dina had a deep voice with a soprano colour, because she had already had classical singing lessons. However, operatic vocals didn't sound that good in folk music (and of course we didn't want to copy neither Loreena McKennitt nor Nightwish), thus I begged her to sing the higher notes in a softer and more natural way. But this tour seemed to me, in general, a bit more different than the other ones. And the reason is probably that now I was an adult. This time the tour lasted long. We toured all around Europe and we went to the States too, so for a month and a half we were constantly touring. It was indeed tiring, but the whole atmosphere was perfect, because both Dina was singing in Finnish, so it sounded extraordinary and also our music was combined with our own traditional instruments. And of course, the most important was that we had become more popular, so we were more successful.
On the 25th of November, we played a show in Tromsø, because it was Johanna's birthday and I wanted to spend it with her. And then we played all around Finnmark: Lemmijoki (or Lakselv), Mási, Karasjok (Ivanna honoured us and played the violin with us onstage), Alta, Vadsø, Tana and the tour ended in Kirkenes. I stayed there for a few days to see my family and then travelled back to Gweedore. There were many things to be done in Ireland. Because, as you might know, the Celts like to celebrate Midwinter time, which for us in Norway and Finland is called kaamos. So, we organised a night event, where we would tell Celtic and Scandinavian stories, narrate Poems and sing nice folk song for children. I was playing the harp, wearing a strange hat and pretended to be the Bergetroll (Mountain elf), as what we did was similar to a theatrical performance. All this seemed to be really spectacular and we were having a good time. In the end, I was getting myself ready to go home, but I found some people having gathered around a girl, who was holding a box. But then I saw something different: the girl was holding a box which seemed like a raffle box and some people were dropping folded papers inside.
"What are all these people doing here?", I whispered to someone next to me.
"They are dropping their promises inside a box", he replied.
"Excuse me?", I said laughing.
"They are making promises for the next year and they write them on the papers, which they throw inside the box".
"And what is the benefit of that?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "I have no idea. I suppose they think that it will bring a good luck for the next year".
"Well, fine", I said indifferently and I also went to take part in this game. Here is what I wrote:
I want to create a fellowship or society along with other friends, who love narrations and stories. Through them we could also share our interests for art and fictional worlds in general.
And then I also dropped my own paper inside the raffle box, being absolutely sure that an hour later these papers would be thrown away and nobody would ever read them. And that would be fortunate, because my wish was completely absurd. I could never believe that someone would like to do anything like that and that it either needed a fortune to be accomplished or it was too childish. But for once again I miscalculated the whole situation. (The first time I did was during the time that I didn't assume that my father would give me money for the organ and the PlayStation).
A few days later, a Scandinavian person phoned me:
"Good morning, Ingrid. How are you doing?"
"Fine", I stuttered. "Who am I talking to?". (Rather weird phonecall, I bet, and obviously the speaker didn't want to tell me her name since the start of her talking, as it's known that in Scandinavia the first thing we're doing while talking on the phone is presenting ourselves).
"Jesikka Koskela here. I just wanted to tell you that me along with Mairead from the festival were the first persons who read your formidable promise for the next year". (Jesikka was my Finnish friend, who was first living in Norway and belonged to Sofia's wild company, but she soon moved to Ireland as well. She was the one who taught me how to wear all these hats and kerchiefs and gave me a few good reasons to become a hipster).
"About which promise?"
"Don't tell me you've already forgotten. That promise you wrote and dropped in the box that night at the festival!"
I remained speechless for a while, because I couldn't understand how they recognised me.
"Ooooh, yeah! This stupid wish. How did you understand that it was me? And....when you said the first persons? Does anyone else know...."
"The whole festival has known!", she interrupted me."You are the only one who could have written anything like that. And it's not a wish, but a promise, because you dropped your paper in the raffle box. That's why, since you promised, you have to go and do instantly what you have in your own mind. And it's fabulous! The rest of the people agree and they want all of us to start writing stories along with you. Anyway, I can accept to be your partner in the fellowship and can even be the first one who will work along with you and write stories....and I can also be behind practical issues of the fellowship".
"Jesikka, you're splendid!", I exclaimed. The truth was that my promise would be unobserved, but I obviously I was totally mistaken. I knew I had to create this fellowship. And I already knew its name: Orchidea's Tales.
So, around October, Jesikka and I gathered together a few people, that we knew they liked stories and talked to them about exactly what we had in our minds. Because we live in a world of technology, we decided to create a website, where we would upload stories that we would be writing or about the festivals we would be organising. I thought that the name Orchidea's Tales would fit perfectly to such a website like this, because so great was my love for trees that I wouldn't hesitate to go and hug them in public. Anyone who had a lust and an inspiration could write their stories, but we also had some standard writers, because they were the fellowship's founding members and they helped me with organising the whole thing. These people were Jesikka, who sketched our logo with the red tree, Mairead, my sister Johanna, Josh and Samu from Kirkenes. And this was developing really well, because of our good cooperation and coordination. Our fellowship's mascot was grandpa Lauri's owl, because this is how I could remember the stories he was telling me.
After Kansi and our tour, I was mostly involved with Orchidea's Tales, exactly because I had no idea what to write about our fourth album. I don't know why, but after Kansi I felt I was empty of inspiration and that I had written anything I had to say within five years, by making three studio albums as well as Uaithnia. After these albums, I felt that I didn't have any other stories to tell, at least concerning music, thus I advised myself to get involved more with prose. An evening, while sitting in my backyard, someone visited me and knocked the door. I felt really happy to see back Vivian, who had come from Dorset to visit her mother. I invited her to come along with me in the backyard. We opened a bottle of wine and played The Dark Side of the Moon, just like our good old days.
"Do you feel comfortable with your new house?", she asked.
"Yeah", I said satisfied. "Thanks for helping me"
She was glancing at me in an uneasy way.
"What's wrong?", I asked.
"Well...I miss your company".
"And why do you feel like that?"
"I might be wrong, but....", she said in a timid way, "since you started teaching Lydia the piano, I felt a great distance between us".
I felt really bad with myself about what she told me:
"I swear that Lydia has never talked to me against any of you. Never! Whatsoever, she hasn't any reason to do this".
"I suppose so. And it's not what I meant. You have kept your distances more than anyone in the band and you have clung to Lydia".
"Vivian, Lydia is a psychoanalyst. She gives me much advice, at least non-typically. This is something I need in this phase of my life".
"Yes, but you keep on being alienated. You live in your own reality. You do nothing innovative about yourself, nor things we used to do together. For example, now you're playing Pink Floyd and it seemed to me that million years have passed since we spent some time together and that all these memories are just a distant dream and now dead".
Vivian looked down.
"Ingrid, I feel I'm losing you. And this is something I don't want to happen at all".
"I know and it's my fault".
"But how can you be the one to blame?", she said laughing.
"Well, I am on the sense that since my grandfather died I don't want to move on with my life and I don't even care about this fucking world".
Vivian suddenly said desperately:
"Ingrid, don't tell me that you want to kill yourself!"
I burst out in laughter: "Idiot girl! I'm not such a depressive person".
Then, I turned serious: "I mean that back in the days I was interested in more things and I was trying to contribute one way or another, so that the world becomes a better place. I was combative, I was a revolutionist. We made two albums, which contained a harsh criticism towards social phenomena. Now I've only turned to myself and my own negative feelings".
"So, that's the reason why you are so close to Lydia".
"She's the only one who supports me. I mean....you have always supported me too, there's no doubt against that. But she knows more about how to handle with human turmoil. Vivian, I need back my old life. I want to feel satisfied with myself, as I once could feel", I said sadly.
"You shouldn't wish to turn back time. Look right into the future and organise your own life and choices", she said.
I didn't want to keep on with this discussion, because all these things were depressing me and I could already feel I was starting to fill up.
"Fine, you shouldn't burst into tears now!", Vivian said in a sudden. "I have a present for you".
I smiled widely and asked: "Is it a book?"
"You're a wake-up person! What else could I bring to you?"
"Social and political sciences, atheism, anarchy, popular science? What is it about?", I asked.
She laughed: "Rather close. Popular science concerning language. And no, it's not about HOW we should speak. I know that you like learning languages and like searching for roots and origins, you little Darwinist, so I thought I could buy a book for you about the scientific explanation of language".
"And which book is it?", I asked.
"Steven Pinker's The Language Instict. It explains how language works in a biological sense".
"I know this book!", I exclaimed. "I discovered it in a Duty Free shop, but couldn't buy it, because we would miss our flight".
"During our tour?", she asked.
"Yeah, while we were flying to Norway".
Thus I started reading that book, in order to find a meaning in my life. I can also say that I fell in love with it, because it gave me a sense -at least temporarily- of returning back to my old life, when I was interested in reading scientific books. But it wasn't only that. This book really opened my eyes and I learnt many things about language, about the delusions and illusions we had against it and other stuff, that I had never before thought. And indeed all these realisations resulted to my better understanding about why languages I was learning had specific features and diversities.
This book was just the beginning. I discovered more books about Linguistics and I started reading and getting more involved with that topic. In Christmas, I went back to Kirkenes to meet my family and I told them about how interested I was in Linguistics.
"Why don't you go to study Linguistics, then?", my mum asked.
I laughed and said: "I don't want to give up once again".
"Then, put all your effort to the band and make school your hobby".
That wasn't a bad idea at all and indeed it would give a meaning to my life. So, in January 2016, I travelled back from Norway and decided to sit for the exams for some university in Ireland. And I was indeed accepted!
Fifteen days later, I received a letter at home in Donegal about my acceptance in Limerick University at the Linguistics and English Literature Faculty. And when I found out about the studies schedule I was overexcited, because apart from linguistics subjects, I was also taught about British and American Poetry. Some of the first books that University provided us with was Shakespeare's Sonnets as well as Romantic and Medieval Poetry. And I was excited, because I could always relate to this kind of Literature. So I thought that these Poems could be a great source of inspiration for our fourth album.
When I enrolled in the school, I started meeting new people. I even met two girls, Alice and Sinead, with whom I started being friends. I thought I also needed this kind of company, because truth be told I had always been jealous of these girl groups, exactly because I had never had these kind of friends. Even though both of them were nice and friendly towards me, I was extremely annoyed by something in their behaviour. To start with, they kept asking me very personal questions like, if I'm in a relationship, if I've ever slept with someone, how it was etc. and when I eventually replied with a noose around my neck that I've been single for a long time, they both exclaimed: "Splendid! We will find a man for you". However, I found the whole thing to be completely wishy-washy and I let it pass along. However, they wouldn't put it off. A few days later, I received a phonecall at home from Alice, who stated peremptorily: "Tomorrow night, you will be on a blind date". At the beginning I thought it was a joke, but they had organised everything. And I eventually agreed to do this, even though such things were not my cup of tea at all, because in the end of my life I didn't want to think Oh dear, I've never been on a blind date!
[ATTENTION PLEASE!!!!! THE NEXT SECTION CONTAINS VULGAR VOCABULARY. ANYONE FEELING SHOCKED OR OFFENDED IS ADVISED TO GO ON READING BELOW THE STARS]
That specific date, though, ended up in a dramatic way, but fortunately not for me. I found myself in a bar in Limerick and the man who was sitting at the opposite chair was rather handsome. On the other hand, I freaked out and got really scared, because he was constantly hitting me with harsh sexual innuendos. At some point, I talked to him about my big love for Pink Floyd and he replied to me: "You know that when I'll be fucking you, we will be listening to Shine On You Crazy Diamond". And he was constantly calling me with words like: horny girl, slut, bitch, pussy and many many more that I would like to forget. But then, an idea came to my mind, as we were in a bar.
***************************************************************************************
"Well, let's have a drink", I said to him.
He smiled, revealing a sexual lust and I could clearly notice his crooked black teeth. I freaked out! I would never ever sleep with that guy!!! I should do something immediately.
I knew very well what I could do. I suggested we drink Zubrowka vodka from Poland, which is a rather strong drink, so I could get rid of him. I didn't feel that proud about what I did, because I could have poisoned him. But I was proven to be right. Because he was kind of a boozer, so he could binge down carelessly, telling me: "Now we can get more easily to bed together". But then I went in the bar and told the barman that I was too scared and if there was something very strong for him. So, he brought a drink with a blue colour! And after drinking it, this guy passed out completely. Honestly, he fainted! And honestly this is something I hadn't really calculated and I just thought that, when he would get that drunk, he wouldn't be able to move. The problem was that I was the one who should pay the bill. The following day, my so-called friends told me off for what I did, because they thought he could have been poisoned. But the reason why I did this, wasn't because I wanted to fuss around with him, but because I had to somehow escape.
During that time, Josh came to visit me. I told him everything I did with this guy.
"It's not that funny", he said laughing.
"But what else could I do?", I replied. "Blind dates are not for me. And his teeth were...black!"
What is more, if there's something that a girl has to avoid, especially in my age, this is a blind date. Because you could never know who is sitting opposite to you. And you may go out with some pervert or a killer, so this is really dangerous for a girl. Anyway, I was extremely scared, especially after talking to me about his intentions in my body, thus I didn't have another better choice than moving him out of my way.
I was strolling along with Josh near Clady river in Gweedore and for a while none of us said a single thing. He suddenly touched my hand and I pulled myself back and thought Let's not start over this again. But he insisted and said: "Just let me hold your hand for once. My intentions are not bad. I won't eat you".
I didn't speak at all and I just let him do anything he wanted. He cleared his throat, as we went on walking. "Well, Ingrid, I'd like to ask you something".
"Tell me", I answered.
"You write music for everybody, don't you?"
"If someone asks me to compose a piece for them, yes, I'll do it", I replied sharply.
"Do you write for dead people?"
I felt a bit flustered and stopped walking.
"What do you mean dead people?", I asked kind of scared.
"Like a eulogy. Always speaking supposedly...."
"Yes?"
"If you knew that, let's say, that I would die tomorrow....or anyway, very soon, would you dedicate a song to me? I mean a last song from you to me. Would you like to tell me a last few things?"
"So, you consider me as not ever talking about my feelings to others", I said seriously.
"Of course, you do! But you can tell me your feelings about a third person, not about me in my face. And for sure, the only time you can open up is when you get extremely drunk".
I burst out in laughter. "You're right!", I said.
"Well then, I would like you to write a song for me, as if you knew I was going to die tomorrow. Write anything you feel about me, which you can't put into words".
I remained silent for a while and kept staring at him. "Is there something wrong with your health?", I asked.
"Like what?", he said laughing.
"I don't know. I'm worried about what you say. For which reason should I start composing a song, as if I knew you were going to die tomorrow?"
"Otherwise, I'm never going to learn what you felt about me".
"Josh, I've never stopped loving you. And if you believe this and...."
"Our break-up has nothing to do with it", he interrupted me. "I just need you to do me this last favour. As if you knew that I'm dying".
Last favour? What the hell did he mean by that? Anyway I let this pass and started composing our fourth album. However, I was facing a great problem. Even though I was reading Romantic Poetry, as well as Shakespeare, I had no inspiration. I didn't know what I should start writing about. For two whole years, I didn't have the same interests anymore, as I once did. And this was depressing, because I missed the old carefree life. I formed Orchidea's Tales, the fellowship for writing stories, in order to fill this gap in my life. I went to the University again, in order to do something, which this time I was indeed interested for. I was reading popular science books, like the good old times. But that was not it. I couldn't get the same joy anymore. I didn't have this enthusiasm, like a little child, that I had when I graduated from school. Now I was doing anything in a completely mechanical way. I didn't feel anything at all--I was suffering anhedonia, even though I was forcing myself to live the same way that I did back in the days. I had even lost contant with the Australian NPO. I used to send money for the equipment, but I wasn't participating there in person. I was feeling so useless, that I couldn't even offer social work. I was only writing stories for Orchidea's Tales, Poems and music for Alexandria.
I was so upset and disappointed with myself, that I went for a few days in Kirkenes. I had missed everything there so much: my parents, my friends, home. I travelled there along with Jesikka, in order to meet the others and High School's wild gang. I wanted to talk to someone, however this time I didn't want to do a psychoanalysis, but only talk to a friend. Thus, I went for coffee with Dina, to whom I opened up and told her anything I felt:
"But you don't need to be upset about that", she told me.
"I need back my old life", I was complaining.
"You shouldn't worry at all. Do you know how important all you're doing is? Nobody can reach you in writing music and books"
"But it's the only thing I've been doing now", I answered.
"Ooh come on now, stop that bullshit. You know you're a very capable person and anything you do is perfect".
I beckoned. "Just like you, that you sing".
"Right! But you also have a good voice....". She stopped, when she saw that I frowned "...and you know!", she added intensely.
I was happy with what Dina was telling me, because she was giving me courage. She wasn't talking to me the way that Lydia did, as Lydia was more imperative. Lydia thought that the fact that the only thing I was doing was writing, was something very good, because each one of us has to do what they're fitted to do. That's why one had better not have many interests, but do what they're better at and focus on that. Consequently, Dina and Lydia were telling me exactly the opposite things. I was often upset with Lydia's words, but I knew she didn't mean to make me feel inferior. She instead was telling me the truth and I think it's better to be told the rough truth, rather than surrender in lies and coaxing.
However, then I decided I had to take Dina's words in serious. She was the one to always make me feel nice. And as I wanted to thank her, I decided to introduce her to Marko. Marko was a friend from my childhood, who was studying ethnology and when we were young we sometimes had piano lessons together, with Kati. I knew that Marko and Dina had many things in common, so I thought it'd be wise if I could introduce them to each other, because you never know! And mission succeeded! However, ten days later a tragic incident took place. I was in Stockholm with Marko and Dina, walking in a fully crowded street. Dina had her purse hung around her neck. Suddenly, Marko and I turned back our head and we noticed a guy, who had grabbed Dina and forcefully pulling her purse, trying to break the chain from her neck (He could have cut her neck, because the chain was of gold!) I screamed to Marko: "Stop gazing like an idiot! Go and help her!". And I felt really scared by that and started running. But eventually nothing was needed. Dina was kind of a beast, punched this guy, who started seeing stars. Then, she hugged me and asked if everything was alright. The truth was that I was really scared.
After my talk with Dina, I decided to accept that I'm capable of doing many important things, or at least pretend I was believing it. And this is how I would start writing our fourth album. Dina also started composing and of course, I was going to write all the lyrics. The issue was that I didn't feel like writing about science and social phenomena anymore. I could be inspired by Shakespeare, Romantic Poetry as well as the Chronicles I was reading. But the most important thing I started doing was that I wouldn't force myself to write anything. I would write about my feelings -- what my heart was telling me to do. I would be also one of the dark Poets, who lock themselves in a dungeon and write about their innocent and dark soul. Because this is what I was feeling too. I was feeling lonely and that nobody could understand neither my feelings nor anything that was inside my heart, even though people would support me always.
I had already started composing Josh's epitaph, and now it was time for the rest of the songs.
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