10.AUSTRALIA

What might take you aback with my story is the fact that I won't get into much detail about life in the studio and band tours. That is probably a work done by the authors who write band biographies. What I am doing here is writing about my own life and for the first time ever I speak openly about everything I was concerned about, my fears and my insecurities and about other hidden secrets, which 99 % I wouldn't tell anybody straight to their face. So, if you see that I keep talking only about myself and not that much about the other members of the band, I wish you understand that this is the point of my story. Besides, everyone has to tell their own story.

Before summer, I bought my first peculiar synthesizer. I mean that until then, I had the original Yamaha keyboard, which my brother had given me. However, one of my hobbies was searching for strange musical instruments on the net and at some point I stumbled upon a website which was selling second-hand instruments in outrageously low prices, exactly because the owners just wanted to get rid of those. However that was good for me. I found a Moog synthesizer, which in fact is a small thing with tiny keys (not too comfortable when you have been used to playing on a grand piano until you are 16), but at the back it had an amplifier with thousands of cables and buttons. And this costed only 600 crones, that is 60 euro. Well, I would be a total fool if I hadn't bought it!

Eventually, Moog arrived at home, a few days later. And I realised that this instrument wasn't anything like my original keys, which had specific sounds. It was an analog synthesizer and you could create numberless sounds and it was indeed used in experimental rock music of the 70s, in disco music, just like Donna Summer, house, techno and of course electronic music. That means that it was mainly used for these genres of music, and not that much for rock. Besides, I've never kept it as a secret that I am a total sucker for techno and house music and I have even worked as a DJ in a bar, where I would play '90s and '00s Romanian house. And as weird as it might sound, I love house music (especially Balkan, as American sounds a bit corny to me), exactly because it mainly consists of synthesizers and electronic sounds. Today everything is done with computers, which replace our own jobs, and this is damaging to us. So, since Moog came at home, I did nothing else than being involved with that. I even remember a specific time, during which our parents were touring and some evening Monica was mopping in the balcony, while I was downstair in my room and I was making my own recipe with Moog. (Soon I was madly in love with it and I baptised it Moogling). That sounded too loud to the upper floor and it was a time when Lulu had come to visit, and walking in my room she shouted: "Are you playing trance music, again?"

Of course this wouldn't be what the album would sound like and I would never force anybody play '90s shit, even if I used to play trance music in my leisure time. Well, the album was recorded in Kirkenes, during summer 2012. As there was no real studio at the village and Tromsø was too far, school agreed to offer us a room. And the six of us booked the music classroom. When I walked in, I saw an istrument that I had never seen again. It was a three-scale piano that also contained a pedalboard and looked like a combination of a pipe organ and a synthesizer. When Vivian saw it, she said: 

"Oh! A Hammond Organ".

"Is this a Hammond Organ?", I asked. "I'm surely playing this on the album".

The rest of the guys laughed at this, however I had already started to experiment with this. I liked its sound so much and it would fill me up! It was a deep sound, spreading all across the room and could be heard everywhere. And I was there and I was feeling everything. Its sound was more majestic than a symphonic orchestra. Apart from the organ, we recorded synthesizer sounds, though not with my own instrument* (*Because mine one used to belong to my brother previously and he gave it away to me. Of course, it was of a good quality, but for the recordings we needed something much more developed. That's why I used a Korg model, that I found at school), accordion and the other's parts. We were working three hours in the morning and three hours in the afternoon. But even with my sister things weren't the same. Even though we were six persons now, I was feeling such a fatigue, because mixing and all this business was something I hardly knew about. Furthermore, the others in the band took liberties with me, because in that specific album, unfortunately, I had written everything myself, thus they believed that I had to be their own Meisterin and take initiative for everything. In other words everything had to be checked and approved by me and I don't even know why. But the only thing I did in the rest of the business was only watching. If things would progress well, the album would be released in autumn 2012. And there was a strong feeling of pride among us, as this was going to be our debut album. The most crucial thing, though, was that you learn to work inside a team and cooperate with others democratically. That seemed wonderful to me. I felt that I was living my life to the full.

When not recording, we were doing several nice stuff to spend our time. My house was located next to a forest and a few meters further there was a lake. In the noons, I was reading books and I was discussing with Vivian and Dina about anything that I was reading. Lydia wasn't that interested about my books, but I didn't mind, as each one of us had their own lifestyle. Anyway what I was reading was mainly Poetry or about history and science. It was those specific days of my teenage years, when I wanted to educate myself and I was feeling enchanted, when I was learning how magical the reality we live in, has been. During the evenings, when we were coming home from the recording sessions, I was involved with several joinery/carpentry/woodwork stuff, as I have said that I also used to do in previous years along with my friends. These are the things I was taught by my brother, Daniel. I can even remember one occasion and it seems like yesterday, when I was sitting down cross-legged, hitting the woods with a hammer, in order to build a table, while Vivian was playing very loud from the stereo Won't Get Fooled Again by The Who. This was my favourite song those days. Then we were going to sauna, we were swimming in the lake and in the evening we had vegetarian dinner, which was followed by a good film (usually of Clint Eastwood).

Moreover this summer I toured Vivian to every layout and to my favourite spots in Kirkenes. I took her to Elvenes lake, where Lulu and I once upon a time used to shoot those funny videos, parodying Lord of the Rings, to another 'secret' cave, close to the Russian border, the other side of which indeed was leading to Russia, so you didn't need to have a visa in order to travel there! We sometimes used to go trekking for almost eight hours in the mountains of Norway. I loved walking in nature, especially when it came to a mountain or some forgotten forest. My affection for nature was also obvious because of the countless photos that my friends had shot of me hugging trees. Very often I used to walk on my own, however I'd never tell mum, because she was a bit scared.

Sometimes we used to play music at home too. Usually it was me the one who was sitting on the piano, playing several rock or film songs and we would sing all together. This was reminiscent, in a great sense, of the time that I was in Ireland and we were singing those campfire songs. It was almost the same atmosphere, because late at night we would go at the backyard to see the Northern Lights and we were grilling, singing Celtic songs and drinking beers. In general, during those two months when Vivian and Bryan stayed at home, we'd had the time of our lives.

As I said before, there was no studio in Kirkenes, that's why the recording sessions took place at school. We were young kids then, at least I was, and we had never used a real studio before. (Except for the time when my sister and I worked together), nor had we ever sent any demo to record companies. Therefore, we hadn't even signed a record deal. Vivian, though, knew a guy, whose name was Jack Wilson, he was a producer and could help us. Vivian even told me that coincidentally Jack's first cousin was living in Norway too and she was a manager in one of her very first bands. Thus, she phoned Jack, as it was the first time that they had ever spoken, since Vivian had left from that band. She said to him:

"I have a new band, which is the project of a friend of mine, most members are still at school (In fact, I was the only pupil in the band. I was the baby!) and we play doom metal and progressive rock music. Could you help? We have a few demos".

When she picked down the phone, she said:

"He told me that we have to send two demos, and they will see what they can do".  So, the next morning I sprang up from sleeping and the six of us gathered together. We would send A Voice in the Wind and Stolen Dreams, a song which still remains one of my favourites. We sent them to Jack and then he phoned to say that the sound was so magical and unusual, that the combination of male and female vocals sounded wonderful and eventually he wanted to work with us.

Anyway, the sound quality from the recording sessions at school wasn't that good, because nobody meant to record an album at the school's music classroom, therefore the building wasn't soundproof at all. However, for the following albums, we had a booked a real studio. In the beginning, we were wasting a lot of time, because we were fooling around, either because there were technical problems or due to soundcheck. Fortunately these problems were solved a week later, so we could move on. Jack agreed that we could make an EP. Dina sang first her songs along with Lydia. I didn't give any song to Lydia, so that she could sing it solo, because for some odd reason I thought that something was going wrong. But when it was my own turn, I wasn't feeling very well and I couldn't sing at all, even though, as I said before, I normally used to sing whenever I liked, in such a way that the others would mock me. For some reason, I couldn't open my damn mouth, as if I'd never done that again. I was extremely nervous and I was pacing up and down. In the end, I raised my hands and said: "I can't do this at all!" But fortunately the others comforted me and suggested I started, whenever I was feeling ready.

I was also strict with myself, because I wanted the songs to sound just perfect. And I was right, because no company would promote us, if we weren't sort of perfectionists. I had also set a Poem to music: W.B. Yeats' Easter 1916, which was one of my all-times favourite Poems and I had even written another song, called A Yeats Poem, which was inspired by Sailing to Byzantium. I had spent a lot of time reading Yeats, so I was really influenced by his Poetry. I also wrote Lost Dream, A Very Jewish Song, which was inspired by a klezmer from Israel, that I liked and Sleep Walk. Along with our two first demos, we would have six songs in total.

In the end of the rehearsal, everybody was taken aback in the studio and told us that they hadn't ever heard of such a wonderful music since the '70s. However I was gazing at them, thinking that they were absolutely mad. Because I didn't believe that we were such an extraordinary band, but we were just playing what we liked to. Vivian grabbed the chance and asked: "Can you promote us?", however they replied that they had no connections to any record company. Then I realised that Vivian was trying to make us professionals and was paving the way for us to become popular, however we still needed a lot of work, in order to achieve that.

My dream was of course writing music and stories and showing them to an audience. I wanted to share with them this part of myself. However I never wanted to become a rock star or anything like that. I wanted to keep my privacy and my own personality and keep on being involved with all these crazy stuff I love to do. I didn't want to sell myself to any company, but keep my own character. So record companies was my greatest fear.

However, there was a hope. Jack Wilson introduced a couple to us, from Sentinel record company, Roy and Samantha. They told us they listened to our music and they liked it, even though we were too young. Samantha eventually became our own manager and we signed a contract with Sentinel for two more albums.  However, soon things turned rocky and problems began.

While recording the album, we had to do everything by ourselves, as our new manager, Samantha, wasn't that helpful. I mean that in a way she had left us in the lurch and I had no idea about mixing or mastering albums. So, when mixing the album, Samu hadn't calculated anything in order to send us some experts who could help us with these things, but instead she went off for a cruise to Rome to eat pizza and drink wine at the Colosseum, while back in Norway we were struggling to give the perfect sound to our album. So in the beginning, I used synth strings, but when I listened to the demo, it sounded like a tacky '80s pop beat. So, we recorded my own parts right from the beginning, but this time I used an Equinox keyboard sound. And this time it sounded wonderful and so stunning. It was exactly the sound I had in my mind, because it reminded me of a combination of progressive rock and ambient music. Thus, you see that I established this sound as my trademark instead of synth strings.

On the 27th of August, 2012, our debut album was released under the title The Endless Quest. The album cover was depicting a man's head, who seemed like he was looking towards the sun, but instead of that, in reality, he was looking at a huge glass bulb. The concept might sound a bit Platonic, however this picture was related more to being prone to subjectivity and how each one of us interprets the reality, which is one of course, but we can form its details, in the way that each one of us likes. Thus, the album's topic was lying somewhere between fiction and, at the same time, reality. We were talking about the constant and endless quest of every single one of us to find our own truth, whether it really makes any sense to achieve anything we achieve in live, as we live only for a few decades and then we die, and how can the meaning of life be seen through the legends of several cultures, or through religions and philosophical ideas. 

We didn't go instantly on tour, but we decided to leave three months later, when I would have been back from Australia. I would leave for Australia five days later. The night, before I left, I arranged a small gathering at home, in order to wave my friends goodbye. Those people who came at home were usually classmates from school, Johanna and Monica as well as my friend Ivanna. We were eating, drinking, playing music and telling stories, just like the good old days, when we would spend our summers in the backyard. They were telling me that I would enjoy my long walks in nature, I would make new friends, I would attend lots of gigs and in general this journey would help me to become more open-up, more sociable and less scared and less insecure.

However, at some point, late at night, where we had all binged on drinking, I ended up staying with Johanna. I suddenly, burst into tears saying I couldn't leave and stay all by myself for so many months to another continent and indeed at the age of 16. Then, Johanna understood that the reason why I was saying all this stuff was because I had been half-cut and all my fears were coming out. She held me tight in her hands and comforting me, she said: "You have already released two albums and you even travelled to Ireland".

"Yes, but now I am going to be in another continent all by myself!", I was yelling.

"Damn, if you please! Could you believe in yourself, for once? You'll make it".

Then, reaching the airport, my father, who took me there, told me: "Find friends! Do you hear me?" I never liked this being said to me. I wasn't such a lonely wolf, I was only too shy. But, a thought that was turning around my head constantly was And if the nightlife is so intense, that I will eventually freak out? Because I don't know if those sixteen years of living in such a small village was that beneficial, in the first place. I had lots of things to do on the plane, as the journey would be longlasting. I was reading a lot, either books, or comics, I was listening to music, solving crossword puzzles and much much more. Suddenly the pilot announced that we were reaching Sydney and the landing was so sudden, that you were thinking that the plane was going to explode.

A woman was waiting for me on the airport, who had communicated with my Geography teacher. She would take me herself by car to the house, where I was going to stay. She was very sweet and friendly, she was asking me about the journey and then started asking me about my achievements, but I felt too uncomfortable starting to glorify myself. Looking outside all the way, I realised that Sydney was much more beautiful and different than I had imagined. It was surely a big city, but it didn't seem that chaotic to me. Probably my eyes longed to see something different, however the city made me a very good impression. I was going to stay in a city relatively close to the airport, in Annandale, West Sydney. And of course the day of my arrival was free for me to relax.

In the beginning, I started seriously considering of taking a small nap. However, what I really wanted to do was explore the whole place. So, I put my jacket on, took an umbrella, because it was raining, and walked out. As I have already mentioned, I can hardly orientate myself in new places and the last thing I wanted was to get lost all alone in Sydney. That's why I used my GPS and although it was raining, I was searching for unknown places. On the other hand, I thought that I had had my fill of walking  for sixteen long years in deserted places, meadows and forests. All I wanted was for once to go and see the city centre and the department stores. That's why, I changed the destination on my GPS. I reached a huge department store, where lots of crowds were walking in and out, shopping, browsing around, or just strolling. At first, I got too frightened, because I had again this damn agoraphobia feeling. However I convinced myself that I had to calm down and I behaved like a normal sixteen year old girl, who went out shopping. I was walking tall and with a wide smile on my face, humming silently some Irish tune and I finally caught myself browsing in stores selling clothes, shoes, make-up etc. I eventually caught sight of a shop with neckerchieves and hats. I discovered a colourful neckerchief, which you could also wear in your head, and had such a hippie style. I tried it before the mirror and then I heard a voice saying: "It fits you perfectly".

"Thanks", I replied in a smile. "I suppose I'll buy it".

While paying in the cash, this shop assistant suddenly asked me:

"Are you from Russia?"

I can't say that this question was rather honouring. And I tried very hard not to laugh with the answer I gave to her: "My mum is Russian. I come from Norway".

"Your accent sounded too Russian to my ears".

The truth is that even in those early days I could speak very good English and of course, since I went to Ireland, even better. However, due to my mum's origin, but also because Kirkenes is close to Russia, our accent resembles a bit of Russian - and still does, even though people say that my accent has some elements from Yorkshire, Ireland, Russia and Australia, because after my stay in Australia, I surely nabbed something from there.

Before I left the store, I also took a look at the hats: cowboy, summer but also big straw hats, like the ones that I like, but I decided I had better not buy everything today. I was prowling around the city centre, walking tall, pretending I was strong with a lot of self-confidence, so that Johanna would have no reason to tell me that I didn't believe enough in myself.

And this is how my first day in Australia ended and how I relaxed. But it was the following days, when I got into working. Mrs. Hammilton -this was the name of this woman, who took me here- was the head of a Nonprofit Organisation (NPO) in Sydney, where I was a volunteer and all you had to do was go to the forest and take care of wild birds. The volunteer team consisted mainly of students in the same age as mine or students of natural or environmental sciences and this was wonderful, because I loved birds and nature, in general. We used to be something like detectives or gurards, because we were going to the forest and we were lurking on birds. So all we were doing was a -how can I say it?- research of a Darwinian type as we later had long discussions about how animals behave in Mother Nature and how they adapt themselves to her peculiarities. Oh, and the team was so excited when I was talking to them about my mum's studies. However, our job was to take care of the birds and not just observe them and the occasions weren't few when we had to nurse them, because of some accident or serious injury. Sometimes we would even find dead birds and that was the worst above all. Then we would dig a hole in the ground and bury them there. But we had to know that decomposition was part of the natural environment.

This kind of volunteering did me good and gave me a lot of joy. Being everyday in the forest was a great freedom for me. Some people prefer to resort to faith in order to get rid of their worries. However, for me the forest itself was a form of catharsis of my soul and release from my everyday problems. The forest is my own 'God', if I'm allowed to express it in that way. And that's why I've been harshly laughed at, for I've supposedly been extremely conservative, because I have never wanted to stay away from the forest. However, my reply to those comments is, that at least I 'worship' a forest, which is something I can see with my own eyes and I can touch the trees and even hug them, instead of being satisified with fake fabrications, which exist somewhere, but we can't see them, because they are immaterial.

Well, some of you might wonder: "Well what about your school during those three months?". Of course I was going to school. The fact that I was involved with the environment doesn't mean that I had neglected school. What I did was similar to the Erasmus programme, which students take part in, but at the same time work too. Consequently, along with the organisation, I had lessons at a school of Sydney, during the time I was staying there, thus I had lots of stuff to deal with. I could never feel bored. And the school, which I attended, was perfect. Also the language was no problem for me, as I was a good English speaker. And when there was a problem with a term, I could easily get unstuck.

Although I wasn't -and I'll never be- a city person, in that place I lived exactly the way I had always wished. I had some friends, not many of them, but few and good friends. And for the first time in my life I wasn't feeling lonely, but that doesn't mean that I didn't have my own private moments. As far as the latter is concerned, I even wrote Poetry and music in Australia. But due to those new friends that I'd found, I felt like I could break free from any restraint that was keeping me tied during all those years. It seemed like I was living my own life and not my family's life, without any fear nor insecurity. Until that time, when hearing something splendid, I would open widely my innocent eyes and wonder. However, by that time, I started becoming less enthusiastic and I could judge things with a more open mind.

So I kept on going to parties or invite people at home. In fact, my house turned into a freeway place. In some of these parties, I met an Australian guy, Josh, who was then nineteen. Josh had very long hair and was then a keyboardist in a local Australian power metal band. He was the one who took me to an AC/DC concert, and to a great extent was the one who made me get out of my shelter. With Josh I had my first ever erotic and romantic relationship. Although he was a metalhead, he didn't have the style of a cannibal psychopath. On the contrary, he was terribly sweet and we would go out at night, attend concerts, bars, swim at night in the sea, and then we would come back home, either at mine or at his, and if we were drunk, we did what we did, and in general we had a great time with each other. Unfortunately, this was a long-distance relationship, because he was living in Australia and me in Norway, however I was often travelling to Australia and he would also come to stay with us. My family really liked him indeed.

In general my friends and I were doing crazy stuff: too much noise, loud parties at night, a lot of sex, smoking, drinking, dancing, playing music, dressing weirdly as if we were in a clown party etc. (That was the time when I started dressing myself like an Irish leprechaun with green clothes and a green topper). Yes, of course, I have to agree that this had been the end of my own childhood and innocence, but I believe that someday we all have to get out of our shelter. And of course, by mentioning 'end of our own innocence', I don't mean that we have to become nasty people and care only about our own advantages.

Of course, the fact that I went wild doesn't mean that I became a slut, who cares only for the parties. I have NEVER become a drug user (Except for this time, in a tour in the Netherlands, when someone on purpose threw LSD on my drink), even though, ever since I've been a heavy smoker and I've suffered a lot because of that. Further than going wild, my friends and I also used to walk in nature, trekk in the mountains and camp there, swim in lakes and the sea, rafting, kayaking, rowing, we were fishing, we were listening and playing music and much much more. At the meantime, I kept on being a volunteer in the NPO with the wild birds.

At the 8th of November, 2012, I returned to Norway, having acquired so many pleasant experiences, having brought along with me hippie clothes, neckerchieves and hats, and of course my own stories. However I returned as a completely different person, living the so-called second phase of my life.