Just before ending the previous chapter, I described myself, in verse, being naked in winter's frost, while I once felt like an evergreen tree. This is how I indeed felt. I was feeling as if the bitter cold was extended through my bones, and as I was totally naked, pain was spread throughout my body. Because this was a pain too. And mental pain is much more severe than physical. Furthermore, except for the fact that I was in pain, my soul had become too weak. Mhematoornings, I didn't want to get up from bed at all, because I felt there wasn't anything important that I could do anymore. However I knew that these were depression symptoms and I was pressuring this thing that people call self to get up from bed and go to the classes. I could do this. I wanted to believe that everyday is a gift, that's why we call it the present and that It can't be possible! I might find something important to do in the end, as I wanted to push out my forgotten self, who once upon a time was a fond reader and got her inspiration by Whitman.
As I went back home from Norway, I started writing my book with a quick pace, so I soon reached towards its end. I decided to call it Once Upon a Time in Autumn, that was an obvious hint about this Ol' Autumn Night, when I decided to move to Ireland, but also because I could remember my wonderful childhood in Norway, during autumn time with its beautiful brown and yellow colours. This phenomenon is called ruska in Finnish and høstfarge in Norwegian. So, this book was the trigger that I started composing our following album. I started with a song, that I named Once Upon a Time in Autumn, named after the book. In that song, I was describing myself as once being an evergreen tree and I was talking about the fact that I miss several situations of my past life and a single person --of course, Josh. It was a very personal song, being different than everything else we had done and its content was higly inspired by the Romantics. And indeed it was a love song to a great extent, because as I previously said, I was longing to feel being loved and I couldn't get love. Because I could never overcome Josh's death, that's why I could never get into a real relationship. Funnily enough, in the beginning I didn't want this song to become released, but when I thought about it better, I realised it could be a beautiful ballad. Whatsoever, people's favourite topic in songs is nothing else, but love. And fortunately I was wise enough to decide that we release it a single, because Once Upon a Time in Autumn is what made us popular and to this day it's considered to be one of our best songs ever.
Then, in January 2018, I brought my book to a publishing company for its last corrections and editing. A few weeks later it was published and, not only did it sell many copies, but I also staged it on the theatre along with a group of actors and I was also playing the lead role. Most critics were positive, even though many people thought that my language was too harsh and sarcastic. I cannot say that I didn't care at all about it. However I couldn't either do anything else, because this is what I was feeling, so this is what I was writing about. A few days later, my peace of mind was once again disturbed by an incident. The results of my exams at the University were announced. I sat for eight subjects and I failed in every single one of them. I had expected it! Because I hadn't studied anything at all and I was feeling so embarrassed, because my professors would be tearing their hair out, realising what a bolt-brain person I was. And the worst thing was that...I was already popular to many professors, because of the band!
I once again locked myself at home, crying about my own failures and once again thinking that I was so worthless. And all this was indeed expected to happen, as I wasn't trying harder. I mean that I wasn't doing anything anymore, but I was only fooling around, so when I would receive all these failures, I would be suffering from this low self-esteem. But then, things would also take place the other way round. That is, I was failing in everything, so I wasn't trying any harder, due to my low self-esteem, so my worthlessness was comfirmed. And these are things you cannot easily talk about with others. The others could see that I wasn't feeling OK at all. Dina wouldn't say a thing, because she knew, but the others would constantly question about my mental health. Lydia kept on telling me that I was depressive and that in the end of the day I would be in a huge trouble, if I didn't come back to real life. But, as I didn't want anybody to get involved with me, I was telling them sharply: "Very often I have a low blood pressure and hematocrit", something that was often true, but it wasn't that serious, in order to make me be dysfunctional. Except for some really hard times.
Quite often I, indeed, had a low hematocrit, something that could make me feel totally exhausted. That was usually caused because of my lifestyle. I mean that my life was in total chaos and I didn't even have a proper meal, except for eating sweets and getting wasted. When I had a low hematocrit, during really hard times, this was also combined with anxiety, which was destroying me any random time, depression and despair, in which I was often found. Then, I would feel dizzy, I was in a total mess and on the verge of passing out and if there was someone nearby, they would give me something sweet to eat, which would help a little bit, but if I didn't have all this mental burden, everything would be perfect. I needed a hug full of affection. A physical touch, full of emotions and not just lust and passion. And of course, my real identity.
In February 2018, I had a meeting with the band in a restaurant of Dublin, in order to discuss about Alexandria's future. Lydia brought also Lars with, something that I personally didn't like, as I wanted to talk about several band stuff and Lars didn't need to be present and hear me talking about them. I wouldn't tell anything about him, of course, but I thought that some things shouldn't be heard by people, who are not in the band. Anyway, we would start composing our fifth album and a field work would be preceded.
"I would like to go to Sicily and Spain", I told them. "We could gather many traditional songs and use them in our music".
Then, Lars turned to me and said: "I don't think that this action will be quite profitable to you. On the contrary, you will have to pay such a great amount of money, so that you can make a research only for your studies".
Was he underestimating my own studies?
"My dear", I replied to him with a sheer irony in my voice. "I'm not using my band, in order to have a success in my studies and my own placement. Since our previous album, we have already started to travel to several places, that were the trigger for our future compositions".
Then, Lydia turned towards me: "It would be better to discuss with the other members of the band about your ideas a long time before you finally decide on them".
"Does that mean that someone of you is opposed to that? If you want us to go straight to the studio and record, that's not a big issue for me. I don't intend to pressure anybody, nor decide on anything just by myself! Everyone has to have a democratic behaviour in a band!", I said in an intense annoyance.
"Oh come on, Ingrid. Don't get mad. It was just a thought".
"Listen up", Dina exclaimed. "We are surely going to do a field work and there's no doubt about that. Alright? All MEMBERS of the band have decided for it. Am I clear enough?". So, every contrasting views became quiet and agreed on the terms. But I was obviously annoyed by this behaviour. To start with, when did I take anything upon myself, without first discussing about it with the others? Or wasn't it only the others that they had put all the weight on me and made me their boss, just because I was the band's lyricist? And what is more....was it Lars' own business to mess up with the band's discussions? In other words, why the hell did he care if our research would be profitable or not? At the end of the day, if he was in such a great financial despair, let them have it, I could pay their own expenses by myself, as I wasn't in a financial despair.
Anyway, we got ready to go without a hurry, as nobody would pressure us with time anymore. For the first time ever, we would release an LP with our own record company.....that means, we were the managers of ourselves! We packed our luggages and set off a few days later. Of course, Lydia carried also Lars along with her --she could never leave this man! We spent the first night in Palermo, which I didn't personally consider to be any special city, but we anyway had to find a place to sleep to. Then, we rented a van and toured all around Sicily. We recorded musicians playing and dancing tarantellas, tavern songs and serenades. An old man there also told me tarantella's history. In Taranto river many deadly spiders used to live, which were named after the river tarantulas (yes, these disgusting hairy spiders) and in case they had bitten you, there wasn't any hope for you. The legend goes that the Sicilians invented a kind of dance for this occasion, that brings you in such an ecstatic condition, that you can be dancing for a whole day. And indeed, the blood has to stay warm for twenty four hours, because after tarantula's bite, blood becomes cold and this leads you to death. That's why the name of this dance is called Tarantella, if what I've been told in Sicily is indeed true.
Another common kind of song in Sicily is serenade, that was usually sung by men, accompanied by mandolin or lute. They must have been continuing the medieval tradition, when wandering troubadours used to play ballads, stealing women's hearts. Anyway, serenades remind me of Cefalonian songs, to a great extent. Even the vocabulary sounded to my ears a bit similar to the Cefalonian dialect. Talking about the vocabulary, Sicilian dialect is a bit like a different language. If someone who learns to speak Italian isn't that familiar with the Sicilian dialect, they can not easily understand it. I also wrote down some expressions, as a Linguistics student, because I could use these in the future.
Leaving Sicily, we sailed off to Spain. There were two places that I wanted to visit. The one was Sagrada Familia in Barcelona, which had a great impact on me, since I had listened to Alan Parsons' Gaudi album and I had also read Dan Brown's masterpiece book Origin. And as an admirer of evolution and the natural world, I craved to see this basilica after that book. And indeed, I got into Sagrada Familia and I saw the whole place, but our research wouldn't take place in Barcelona, but in another Spanish city.
There was this region, Galicia, whose capital was Santiago de Compostela, which had a great influence by the Celts so its music was a mixture of Celtic and Spanish medieval sounds. Since always, I had been dreaming of doing a field work in that place, because I'd heard so much about it.
In Santiago, we stayed in one of those beautifully-built little houses, that were reminiscent of a medieval village. Every night, I was sleeping --after many years-- in peace and with a wide smile in my face. The house had two floors and a small yard, where we could drink our coffee. We didn't stay at the city centre, but in the suburbs, so that we could find more peace. One morning, I woke up feeling the fresh air stroking my face and smelling the tasty breakfast, that neighbours were making. I put my floral dress on and walked down the stair, before realising that the rest of the guys were still sleeping. That's why I tied my hair on a clip, in order to feel care-free, wore my spring straw black hat and went out for a stroll on a warm Spanish February day. While walking through the alleys, it suddenly seemed to me that I heard some music and songs. In the beginning, I thought it was only my mind, but then I found myself in a square and in the middle there were women in circle, dressed on medieval uniforms and they were singing. At the circle's middle, a man was playing the lute, another a type of pipes and a third some kind of percussion. It couldn't be...these people were playing medieval music!
I understood that I would make a research on these musicians. Fortunately I had this ol' shitty recording device (or dictaphone, call it whatever you like) with me. They explained that these songs were coming from Christian pilgrims of the 9th and 10th century, thus they had a completely religious content. They were highly inspired by the Celtic tradition, that's why you could hear that they were accompanied by many instruments from Ireland. I learnt the song lyrics and I even recorded the women, who were singing them.
A month later, we returned to Ireland with all this content, being ready to compose our following album. I had already written Once Upon a Time in Autumn, so this means that we had already started. Now it was time for the rest of the songs. However, during that time I was a fond listener of power metal music, so this style was also an inspiration for me. So I managed to compose music, combining metal with traditional music and it goes without saying that I don't mean we had heavy guitars etc. Quite the contrary. The music wasn't heavy at all, but I was working on the following way: I was composing melodies, based in folk rhythms, and these melodies were accelerated in an extremely fast speed, as you can also hear in some Stratovarius riffs. I still wonder how the hell could I manage to play these melodies live on my synthesizer back in those days!
As I had already started composing a few songs, having a topic in mind, I started to paint the whole story and discuss about it with the other members of Alexandria.
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