29. OPPOSITE SIDES

2019 was a year, that I didn't get involved with Alexandria at all. On the contrary, just like I promised Johanna, we would be writing our third Uaithnia album. I didn't want to write a sixth album with Alexandria. Of course, I wasn't thinking that this would be over, as I did two years before. It's only that I didn't want Lydia in the band anymore. Especially after our fight at the bus stop, only her thought made me feel sick. It was impossible for me to walk in the same studio with that person. That's why I asked the others if we could take a break and not compose anything yet because I wanted to get involved with Uaithnia. And of course, I said nothing about Lydia to them.

Before I returned to Ireland, I stopped in Oulu, Finland. I wanted to visit my sister, Monica because we hadn't seen each other for a long time. About that time, Monica was playing in a concert with her orchestra in Oulu, so I went to watch it. She was living with her husband and their two children in a village in Oulu, which I personally consider having NOTHING AT ALL. It was a completely uninteresting and boring village and I was highly impressed by the fact that Monica could be living there. Anyway, I was glad to stay a few days with her, even though Monica and I didn't have the same kind of relationship that Johanna and I did. Johanna and I spent hours talking about problems that concerned us, whereas Monica wasn't talking at all. Since we were young, the silence was her own defense mechanism. And then, I realised that I had started behaving like that, too. I used to remain silent, without reacting at all.

After my stop in Oulu, I returned home to Donegal. I had two priorities. The first was to write the album and the second to graduate from University. There were only a few subjects left for me, in order to have my degree. The only reason I wanted to graduate was that then I could throw it in this motherfucker's, Lydia's face. So, when being in Ireland, I was living in complete solitude. Very often, I wouldn't even open the window shutters, because I didn't want anyone to pay me a visit. On the contrary, I would be staying indoors, thinking about what I was going to write for the album. I had a few ideas, that's why I thought I could write a few short stories, which could be used as a basis for the composition of many of the songs.

 I was in constant communication with Johanna, Scott, and Vivian, and the four of us were exchanging our own ideas. Scott and I were also visiting each other, as he was living in Cork. Even though all of us were living far from each other, our music was connected and had one thing in common: it was campfire music. Honestly, it sounded as if we had camped in a forest and at night we had gathered around the fire, playing folk and acoustic music. Johanna and I were talking almost twice or thrice a day about the songs. However, when talking to me, she could understand that there was something wrong with me. At some point, she asked me about it, but I instantly changed the topic, because I didn't want to discuss with her my fight with Lydia at the bus stop.

A few days later, though, I was interrupted from writing, because the phone rang.

"Ingrid, good evening. It's Ivanna".

"Sweet, Ivanna! I've missed you so much!", I said enthusiastically.

She sighed. "I am calling you because I'm worried about you. Your sister, Johanna, phoned and said to me that she thinks there's something wrong with you".

"Everything is alright", I lied. "No reason for any of you to worry about me".

"Ingrid, you're not telling the truth, are you? You know you can talk to me at all times. I'm your best friend".

I was silent for a while, but then I stuttered: "Ivanna, everything....is.....shit!"

And then I told her everything. I told her that Lars hit on me and about these two times that I fought with Lydia: once when she spoke against Johanna and the other time at the bus stop. We were discussing for about an hour and explained to me that I should have phoned her instead.

"You should pour out your feelings, Ingrid. Otherwise, you'll be depressed". Well, I was already suffering from depression! Alright, I wasn't officially diagnosed, but I already knew I had depression symptoms.

"Is there anything in your schedule this time?", she asked.

"The truth is that I do. We are releasing an album with Uaithnia".

"Oh, that's awesome. I was just thinking that we could maybe take some time off and make a journey together".

"Journey?", I said excitingly. "What do you have in mind?"

"I was thinking that we could travel to Perugia, in Italy. It's a place with beautiful old stone houses. What do you say?".

"I'm in for that", I replied. "But I would prefer that we make it a bit later. Maybe in April that I will have more time available".

"Fine", she said. "But please, let's not make it later".

Nobody spoke for a while and thus, I said: "Is there something you want to tell me?".

"Ummm, I don't know", she said and laughed in a playful way.

What??", I exclaimed.

"I've got some news".

Then I understood and I said: "You're....pregnant, aren't you?"

Ivanna started laughing.

"You're the third person to know about it. The first one is Doug and the second your sister, Johanna".

"Ivanna, congratulations. I'm so happy about you".

                                          *********************************

As I said before, my second priority was University. I returned with a vengeance, decided to graduate that year. I also started to get involved with two fields: syntax as well as cultural theory. On the one hand, I was constantly studying syntax, filling thousands of A4 papers, drawing X-bar theory trees. It reminded me of these maths problems I used to solve when I was young and moreover it was a beautiful way for me to delete a few hours of the day.

On the other hand, I was also very interested in cultural history and theory. I had a relevant subject in the University and considered it to be really interesting. Our professor, Amanda Collins, was a grandma with grey hair and a bun, who was extremely likable, extremely Marxist, and extremely atheist. Unfortunately, many students despised her about her opinions and her poignant comments against superstition. During some lecture, once, she was talking about Beirut, Lebanon's capital. Then, one student said: "This city is haunted by ghosts". And Collins, with her sarcastic smile, replied to him: "Dear colleague, faith and scientific evidence are two completely different issues and usually battling each other". Ouch, that hurt. But she was right. Since you are in a University, studying science, you can't afford not to follow evidence.

Another lecture of her had to do with a community, that was living in the Caucasus and was speaking Greek, using vowel harmony and agglutination, just like in Turkish. She was talking to us about the fieldwork she had done, back in 2012, showing photographs of the procedure. So, at the end of the lecture, after much hesitation, I presented myself to her, explaining about my band.

"Are you this girl, who made fieldwork in the Mediterranean countries?", she asked.

"Yes", I replied.

"They had spoken to me about you, but I didn't get the time to listen to your music".

We discussed field works and after she wrote down my name and things, she gave me her phone number and her e-mail and told me: "I would really like to stay in contact with you. In case you ever want to make fieldwork in the Caucasus with your band, feel free to contact me".

I left with a wide smile on my face because I couldn't believe my ears. Professor Amanda Collins had just given me her phone number.

At my University, in the meantime, I kept on having good company with Michalis, who was also about to graduate soon. We were constantly hanging out and I would very often stay in his place, in Limerick. He had a huge house in a village, close to Limerick. In general, he was leading a very simple and frugal life and didn't even have a TV at home. Back then, this lifestyle seemed really exotic and beautiful to me, because I felt so alone, that I was thinking that getting rid of anything electronic would make me find real communication. I used to feel very safe with Michalis and he himself was protecting me too, as he was much older than me.

In the beginning, we were just friends. However, as time went by, we were spending more and more time at each other's place. However, he preferred to always take me to Limerick. He had even made a special place for me, so I could be coming and play my music. Despite our age difference, Michalis and I soon fell in love. And everything happened so fast. We wanted to move together, in the beginning, however, I didn't want to leave home. That's why I asked him to come and stay with me in Gweedore. But he refused, too, and the only solution was that I stay at his place only for a few days. So, I agreed with his proposal.

My relationship with Michalis moved on smoothly and for the first time, after many years, I felt that I had real company and someone wanted me because he really loved me. And for the first time, after so many years, I achieved to forget Josh, because Michalis was exactly the opposite from him and nothing about him reminded me of Josh. Oh yeah, I haven't mentioned the fact that he hadn't even known Alexandria. This means that to his eyes, I was just a simple girl, that he fell in love with. I also talked about Michalis to the rest of the guys in the band and I made sure that this would reach Lydia's and Lars' ears. Thus, none of these two would ever bother me again. However, when the others asked me to meet my boyfriend, I suddenly felt too uncomfortable and refused.

As far as my studies were concerned, the only thing remaining was my graduate thesis. Although I didn't know what I should work on, in the end, I thought that I could be assisted on my thesis by Professor Collins. So, at some point, I went to her office and when she saw me, she shone a smile and told me: "Welcome, little Maestress". I glanced at her with questioning eyes and she added: "I searched for your music on YouTube and it seemed to me you're highly inspired by classical composers. This is something very rare to find in nowadays progressive rock records". I smiled shyly and then I told her I was seriously considering working on my graduate thesis, assisted by her.

"Is there any specific topic in your mind?", she asked.

"I was thinking about doing research on my native language", I said. "I speak a Finnish dialect, used in Northern Norway".

"Kven?", she asked. Wow! She already knew the language. Awesome!

"Kainu", I corrected her. "This is how we call it in the native language".

I explained to her what I exactly was thinking about doing. So, she agreed on that and said it was a highly extraordinary topic. I told her I was planning to graduate soon, that's why I would have completed my work by June.

"By June?", she asked. "Will you have time?".

"Whatever it takes", I said smiling shyly.

While working on my thesis, in the meantime I was composing music for our album. For the first time, though, the topic of the songs had nothing to do with my beautiful self. This time, I realised that there was a particular topic: nature. And this wasn't something I had already decided to write about. I just set my mind free. And what came out was....me playing on my piano nature's music. This meant that there was NO electronic sound and NO synthesizers. Only the piano and nature. So, everything ended up being performed in a completely natural way.

Until April, I kept on working on my music, as well as my graduate thesis at home or at Michalis' place. But then, pregnant Ivanna and I set off on our journey in Perugia. Our trip lasted a week and both of us relaxed and left all of our concerns behind. There was nothing to worry, nor to feel pressured about. Both of us were in a beautiful place, having a wonderful time with each other -just like two best friends do-, talking about our problems and singing out loud while driving from one place to another.

But when we came back from Italy, I also returned to my routine. I was in constant communication with Johanna, Vivian and Scott and the four of us were composing. I had already told them that lately I was really involved with nature and this was what the songs were about. Thus in the beginning, as the album didn't have a name yet, we used to refer to it as the music of nature or our upcoming natural album. But soon, we found a title. One morning, I left home and sailed off to the island, on the opposite side of Gweedore, the island of Arranmore. (Árainn Mhór). I had recently started to visit the island and with a licence, I built a small cabin. This island is inhabited, of course, but as the years go by, the population is starting to decrease. Since I first started going there, it became my own island, my little shelter. And I kept on going there until 2021. In 2023, I visited the island for the last time and in 2025 I demolished the cabin. Anyway, Arranmore was an island with many plantations, full of nature, and I used to go there to relieve my soul. That morning, I was walking to these sweet meadows and I was thinking that our album should bear a title, which would resemble nature. Then, I found the title: Mother Nature. It was a rather popular and Poetic expression, which symbolised our dependence and relationship with nature, in the sense that Nature is the mother of everything and everybody and that there's nothing more important than Nature. After coming home, I phoned the rest of the guys and while the other two said: "YES!", Johanna replied: "Are you joking? I had the same idea too!"

"Do you mean, calling the album Mother Nature?". "Yes!", she exclaimed. Well, there might be a logical reason why people think that sisters have the same mind.

So, we decided to start recording in the summer. Vivian asked me whether we planned to record in Rockfield Studios this time, too. "I'm afraid that Johanna will freak out", I said. "Rockfield is a studio in the middle of nowhere". That's why we decided that in July we'd set off to London, where recording sessions would take place in legendary Abbey Road studio.

On the surface, things started to get better for me, as time went by. In May, I performed at the Celtic festival, which we had to do in a larger venue now. The reason was that the audience was bigger this time, as our band had started to become more and more popular in Ireland, so more and more people knew me. What is more, the festival was now connected to Orchidea's Tales, which had become one of the biggest storytelling communities in Ireland (I shall not say that it was the biggest, as it would sound too narcissistic). I could feel somewhat proud of myself, not because I had started to gain some fame, but in the sense that I could find a way to communicate with people, even though I couldn't do this on a direct level. The second positive thing was that in May I handed my graduate thesis to professor Collins and she was left astonished, due to my excellent work, as she said (For those who are interested, I made a comparison between the vocabulary of Lapland Finnish, Norwegian Nynorsk and Kainu) and because she didn't expect me to have completed my work in such a quick and effective way. So, on the 15th of May, 2019 I graduated from University, aged 23. Professor Collins congratulated me during the ceremony and she whispered: "Do not forget what I said. Whenever you need anything, feel free to contact me".

Soon after my graduation, I was feeling very bad about myself (not that I had been feeling better before), because I considered myself too teased, as I was still living in a village. I thought I was behaving too childish and immaturely, because I was refusing to take any responsibility that an adult woman should and live in a city, just like every other person. Thus, I decided to go back to Norway and rent an apartment in Oslo. And as far as my relationship with Michalis was concerned, I could ask him to come with me to Norway. I had a friend who was living in Majorstuen in Oslo and as soon as she heard that I was planning to move there, she said: "I'd suggest you don't find a place to live straight ahead. Come and stay with me for a few days and if you enjoy life there, then get an apartment". She was right. I didn't want to pay for it, the same way that I did with Ireland, where at the end of the day my life was shit. However, five days after my arrival in Oslo, I realised that the city is full of hustle and bustle and the place caused me even more stress than I already had. No! The city wasn't for me, although this was too immature, for my part. So, I told my friend: "Let it be! I can't survive in this place. I'm going back to my village, in Ireland".

So, I returned to my old house. I was hoping that after graduating, my life would become much better than before. However, I was bluffing. Things turned out really bad both in my own personal relationships and the band as well. After I came back from Oslo, I went to live with Michalis for some time in Limerick. However, let's face it, the age difference was a serious issue, at the end of the day. I was 23 and he was 33. We graduated at the same time, so he was working and when coming back home, he was demanding that I had made food and everything. It goes without saying that I would be taking care of him (as long as he did too), as he was working and I was home. But I considered it to be really unfair that he was also demanding that I take care of him, provided that we weren't actually living together. And furthermore, I was 23 and he hadn't married me. However, he wanted us to live, as if we were a 40-year-old married couple.

What happened one day was something unbearable for me. Michalis came home from work, looking totally pissed off -he probably fought with someone- and noticed me playing video games on my computer (there was no TV, so I couldn't use my PlayStation). He wouldn't even bother looking at me but headed straight into the kitchen. He saw that I hadn't cooked anything at all and then he started yelling at me that I'm lazy and I was bored to make some food. I was a bit scared, because nobody in my family had ever yelled at me like that, nor had behaved to me in such an aggressive way. And then, I approached him and said: "I'm no slave of yours. If you're hungry, go and cook something. Just use your own hands". Then, before I realised what was going on, I saw him raising his hand and slapping me in the face. "Get inside!", he screamed and pushed me towards the kitchen so hard, that I almost lost my balance. I went into the kitchen in tears to cook something for him. This jackass had the guts to slap a woman. He later demanded I sit with him at the table and eat. I didn't want to look at him right in the eye, but I didn't dare to protest again, because I was afraid that he might slap me again. He noticed that I was looking away and wasn't eating at all. "Aren't you eating anything?", he said to me. I didn't say a word, because tears were welling up. Then he approached me and hugged me. "I'm sorry", he replied. "I was angry with someone from work". I started sobbing, but he was holding me tighter. Alright, I thought I could forgive him. This incident had happened once and well... everybody might burst out of anger at some point. 

But the issue was.....that such incidents happened again. And the pretext was now different every time. And very often things were getting crueller and crueller. Now, I wasn't receiving light slaps like this. Sometimes, he was actually beating me up, usually using a leather belt. He once banged a rake's pike on my head, because I dared to dig up the weeds in the garden, whereas this was a man's job. But, I wouldn't go. I wouldn't go, because every time I was threatening him that I would go, he would apologise, shedding crocodile tears, he was promising me the moon and the stars and telling me every single thing a man can think about, in order to make a woman's heart bow down. And furthermore, in case I left, I would be alone again, and just like before nobody would want me.

I was obviously one of those victims, who instead of reacting, kept on being abused.