16.DEPRESSION

Grandpa Lauri's death cause me the greatest shock I've ever had in my life. I didn't want to meet anybody, nor my friends and I only wanted to stay alone in my room. I was barely eating, wasn't doing anything at all and of course, I refused to go back to the University. My mum could see how miserable I had become, but couldn't deal with me and my feelings, as she was suffering her own pain after losing her father. At the meantime, my friends were constantly calline me, but I refused to pick up or show up in the phone. I was staying on my own, sobbing and thinking to myself that I'm a really worthless person. I was trying to feel important only by doing things just for the sake of myself and all in all what was the importance of all these achievements? I didn't achieve in giving anything to my grandfather, who had been everything for me. And now he wasn't here anymore and I couldn't tell him how much I loved him. I was feeling completely useless.

Indeed, the worst thing happened fifteen days later. Josh called me to say that he was sorry for our loss.

"Oh, really?", I asked. "You just remembered you had to call? But you didn't even show up in the funeral"

"Darling, I couldn't stand seeing you being so miserable", he protested.

"Because you didn't have any lust to pay expensive flight tickets, right?"

"Ingrid, I know you're not feeling well. But, please don't put the blame on me. Whatsoever I was informed about it much later".

"What?", I exclaimed.

"Nobody called me. Vivian phoned me and she referred to it , while talking to me, because she thought that you had informed me about it".

Nobody spoke for a while. But then, he said in a quiet tone:

"I'm sorry. Would you like to come to Sydney?"

"No, Josh. I don't want to", I said sharply.

"Fine. Is something else wrong?"

I sighed. "I have to tell you. I've decided on a few things".

"Are you with anyone else?", he said abruptly.

I laughed sarcastically. "Really? In such an awful state do you think that I might be cheating on you?"

"Tell me", he said.

"Josh, we're done".

"What, why?"

"Because I live on the other side of the planet".

Then, he said: "And...and I could come and live with you in Tromsø!"

"Josh, this relationship can't keep going on. Can't you see? We cannot keep meeting each other only on Christmas, Easter and summer. And....I know that it's quite unusual of couples to break up through the phone...but....I....I...."

"Oh, Ingrid, my Ingrid. I love you and...."

"I do love you too". I closed my eyes tightly and felt my hot tears running down in my cheeks. "And all that is so difficult for me".

"But you have to know, though, that something really serious is happening".

"What?" I screamed.

He stopped for a while. And then he stuttered.

"Errr, you never know what the future holds. You cannot know whether I will be alive or dead in a few years. So let's pass the time together now that we can. Whatsoever, how can you know if I died tomorrow?"

As I was in a terrible mental state, I couldn't get what kind of message he was trying to give me. Then, I got really pissed off and yelled at him: "For goodness sake! People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones! How can you tell me that you might die tomorrow, as long as you know that I've just lost my grandpa?".

"I'm sorry", he said sadly. "I just don't want to completely lose you, even though we might break up. At least, let's be something like siblings".

I agreed, because I loved Josh, even if we were breaking up. I wouldn't stand the fact that I might never see him again.

Until March, I was in a terrible state. I was constantly sobbing, feeling alone and helpless and I wasn't either involved with music. However, one afternoon, someone knocked the door and there was Dina, whom I hadn't seen for a long time.

"Dina, what a beautiful surprise", I said and fell into her arms.

"I came to visit you and keep some company to you. I'm upset that you are feeling like that", she said.

I gazed at my own laps. "The truth is that I don't have any lust for life itself anymore".

"You shouldn't be depressed. I lost my dad, too, but after a while I overcame it. This is what you should do as well. Move forward with your life. Don't stick to that. Do you know that you might have worse problems in the future? Then, what are you going to do? Kill yourself? I know how arrogant and stubborn you've been and keep trying to the end. Don't give up now".

I sighed. "You know how spoilt I've been. And now that grandpa Lauri died, I realised that the world isn't as rosy as it seems to be, and we are not anymore innocent kids, that think that anything that they like to be true, then it happens. The world is full of troubles, Dina".

"Yes, but we are the ones who make the world a better place. This is what you should do too. Do something, so that you can feel better".

"Like what, Dina?", I asked.

"Go back to the University in Tromsø. And start looking for a job".

"Yes", I said in a decisive way. "This is what I should do. I shouldn't let a misfortune destroy my inner balance". (Inner balance is something that I had always known very well, because all of us in the family were struggling to keep it. So if something was going just a little bit wrong, then everything was fully destroyed and corrupted. This was all about perfectionism in a completely psychotic way).

"That's right!"

I hugged her tightly."Dina, thanks. You're a very good friend!".

"Fine", she said. "Now, let's go for a coffee".

Dina had something I was really jealous of. And this was her strong character. I knew that I had an extremely weak character and I could never say no to anybody, that's why people were treating me however they liked. Furthermore, Dina was extremely self-confident and I didn't even know what self-confidence meant. Dina was a person, who, as we will later see, made me feel proud and happy about myself. Undoubtedly, Dina, Vivian and Lulu where these persons that have supported me in every phase of my life.

I went upstairs to change clothes. While being in the bathroom, I had left the door half-open. Mum entered inside and saw me making myself up.

"Are you going out?", she said enthusiastically.

I smiled. "Dina's here".

"Have a good time, girls", she said, rushed inside and left 300 crones for me.

"Mum! What's this, now?"

"Oh come on. Take these and leave me alone".

On Sunday morning, I woke up early and started packing up my luggages. Mum saw me and said:

"Where are you going?"

"Mum, I'm leaving. I'm going back to Tromsø".

Her eyes were lit and she hugged me.

"Well done, darling! I knew you would get this over soon".

So, I went back and returned to University. I had decided that I would take school seriously and I would start studying. I was rather enthusiastic or at least this is what I thought. I was attending lectures every day, keeping notes and after lessons I was rushing at the library. At the meantime, I kept my synthesizer and my Moogling at home and I was thinking that I should start composing music. But I thought that it would be a better idea if I started writing something more personal this time. So I thought that Alexandria's third album would be better dedicated to grandpa's memory. I wanted to write about seafarers, salty waves, captains, the Harbour Oil, adventures in the Ocean etc.

Well....of course! I knew exactly what I would do!