After our album's release, a tour followed. This was a European tour, starting from Ireland, spreading to Central and Eastern Europe, the Balkan countries and reaching Scandinavia. It was a bit tiring, as we didn't have much time, thus we had been endlessly performing every night for three months. Of course, we did well on this tour, because in contrast to the previous one, I looked happier or at least not that pissed off. On the other hand, I wouldn't ever cease to have that empty look. And I know how awful it was to try and persuade yourself that you shouldn't feel anything, but after some point this had exhausted me and the better solution for me was to withdraw.
I don't intend to describe our moments on stage. More or less, you already know all about it and there's no point in filling up my story by repeating things. What is important for me to mention is the relationship, that we had with each other within the band. Well, I was spending a lot of time with Dina and Marko inside the van. We were having fun, we were discussing, playing cards, drinking, watching films and in general I felt that the three of us had a real communication. At some point, Marko and I were discussing about music composition. He was telling me that he was composing orchestral scores through a computer programme, called Musescore. Then I didn't either hesitate to explain to him how I was spending a large part of my day. As I had some knowledge about orchestra stuff and symphonic music, I had been able to transpose popular classical pieces into sheet music. Of course, this was something I'd started getting involved with since 2016, by transposing soundtracks by Hans Zimmer, Tangerine Dream and Vangelis. But later on, I started getting interested more in classical composers, like Béla Bartók (who was my favourite one), Dvořák, Debussy, Ravel and many many more. This was something I was mainly doing, just to kill my time, and because I wanted to skip life, and also because I was thinking of this: As long as I had the ability to transpose symphonic pieces, I could also upload them on the internet, in case some orchestra was in need of them. And believe me! They were rather accurate, because I did a lot of research until I got the notes and sound exactly right. Anyway, I talked to Marko about all this and he got excited. And since always I had this issue with Marko. When I was younger, I thought I was jealous of him, because he was involved with the orchestra and I also wanted to reach to that point. But now that he got excited with what I was doing, I realised that suddenly an odd feeling was emerging from my heart. It's what people call the familiar butterflies in your stomach. And the more he was talking to me and his eyes were lit, more feelings were coming out from my heart. I had no idea what that was. But my memory travelled back in High School, when I had fallen for him for three whole years!
It was impossible that I hadn't come over these feelings yet! Marko was my old school friend and my best friend's partner. It was NONE of my business to get among them and I had to be ashamed of not having stopped feeling for him after four years. It was a crush of my teenage years in High School. Now I was an adult and I should think sensibly. But I couldn't....Even though I felt that Dina was a sister to me, Marko made me feel that my whole inner world had turned upside down. I was deeply in love with him and I was feeling so embarrassed, that I hadn't overcome this yet.
However, I tried once again to swallow up my feelings and behave like nothing has been going on. Fortunately, though, I didn't show any odd sign and neither Dina nor Marko understood anything. Our days were going by smoothly and we were enjoying each other's company. Lydia would sometimes join our conversations, however Lars was always away from us. I was afraid of him, after the incident when he hit on me, and I suppose that he kept himself away, worrying that I might reveal what he had done.
I had been always sitting at the front seat of the van mainly because I was afraid of getting sick. The van's driver was my friend, Jesikka, from the storytelling fellowship. We would always carry her with us in our tours, because of my deep friendship with her. We were usually playing very loud music in the van, in order to get our conversations covered and we were discussing about the problems I had to deal with, concerning myself. I was telling her how difficult it has been for me to sleep at night. I could always open my heart to Jesikka, because she was having similar problems, as she was suffering a chronic anxiety. In general, Jesikka was keeping a very low profile and preferred to listen to others, rather than talk. And this was something common in the two of us and I could highly relate.
On the 26th of November, we would perform in Tromsø, mainly because it would be Johanna's birthday on the previous night. She hosted us at her place that day and she made us dinner for her birthday. At some point, that night the rest of the guys went to bed, so the two of us were left alone in the kitchen. Johanna's kitchen is located in the most northern part of the house and there's also a door that leads to the backyard. We were whispery discussing in the dark, as a lot of light would emerge in the room from the night sky.
"This Lars caused a bad impression to me", Johanna told me. "And Lydia, too".
"Why Lydia?", I asked.
"Hmmm, she's a very sly person".
"She wasn't always like that. It was him the one who changed her", I said, stressing him in a rageful way.
"Don't be that sure".
Then I turned back my head to make sure that nobody wasn't approaching nor listening. I grabbed her hips and whispered close to her ear: "Johanna, listen and don't talk to anybody".
"What's wrong?"
"Johanna, Lars hit on me".
"What????", she yelled.
"Shhh, be quiet! You surely don't want everybody up", I whispered. "During the summer, before we left Rockfield. He stuck me in a wall and told me that he knew how desperate I was to make love with him and that it could happen once and then forget all about it".
Johanna was speechless.
"But....you....what?"
"Don't you dare ask me if I gave any right to him. He makes me want to be sick".
"Don't be an idiot! I wouldn't ever ask if you ever gave a man a reason to hit on you". She stood up and headed towards the door. "This motherfucker! I'll kick his ass!".
I ran behind her: "Johanna, don't....!"
"Why not, Ingrid? Because you don't have the guts to face him, right?"
"Johanna, I have nothing but a band. This is what I'm only left with. I'm begging you, I'm falling down on my knees", I said beseeching. "Don't talk to anybody. My band is going to be destroyed".
She looked at me and said: "Alright. Come into my arms".
I don't know how long Johanna and I were hugging. Anyway I was feeling really safe in my elder sister's wide arms. It reminded me of this time, when I was a little kid and she was taking me with her in Tromsø. And during cold winter nights, I would walk in her bedroom and tell her: "Johanna, I'm feeling cold". Then, she would take me close to her and we would sleep in arms, covered under the bed sheets. This is what she also did now. She told me:
"Would you like to come to bed?"
Our discussion went on there too. "Ingrid?", she said to me. "Hmm?", I answered half-asleep.
"I'm not doing well with my band".
"Why?", I said and looked at her.
"I feel I'm unfairly treated. As if THEY are deciding for me"
Then I understood what she meant. I kept my lips tight and I said: "It's Dimitris, right?"
She said nothing, but sighed. "I knew it", I said. "And I had already told you before that he's mixing a lot with your life".
"What should I do, Ingrid? I'm supposed to be the leader of the band and I'm not even allowed to compose my own music", she said to me.
"Then, leave. Go and form your own band, as I did myself".
"At least, once we had Uaithnia and I used to write my songs along with you. But then, you withdrew from the band". I was speechless. No, Uaithnia wasn't dead at all.
"Johanna, what are you talking about? Uaithnia remains alive. After our tour, we're making a new album. And you....shall leave this band for a while".
"Do you promise?", she said.
"I promise! Goodnight".
So, without realising it, I had fallen asleep in my sister's arms, like those old days.
*****************
After our tour was over, we decided to do our third Uaithnia album. I'd promised Johanna that we would and, neither Vivian, nor Scott were busy in 2019, therefore we could start working. At the meantime, we were in constant connection through Skype and each one of us was writing alone at home.
We were still in the van, when I was still discussing with the others about my plans for the following year. Then, Lydia turned to me and she said smirking: "And why do you need all this now? Johanna is nothing but a pop singer. You make serious music and you should not stoop to her level".
Hearing this, I felt as if I were punched in the stomach. About my sister....?
"Hey, Lydia. What are you talking about? You're talking about Johanna, not about just somebody", I said, while rage was bursting inside me.
"So, what does that mean that she's Johanna? She's nothing but a crap singer. That's the truth".
Then, I completely lost my mind and screamed:
"That's it! Enough is enough! You and your boss shall say to me anything you like, harass me, treat me like shit, but this is something I won't stand. You have no right to talk about my sister like that, because hadn't it been for her, you would be either unemployed or a failed psychologist. Do you hear me?"
I told her more things too, which I don't remember anymore and they're not anyway important to mention. But what is indeed important was that she shut her fucking mouth up and she didn't say a thing since. At least for a while. However, the whole story with Lydia wasn't over. When we came back from the tour, the same day, Lydia and I were together in Kirkenes, at the bus station. There's where I would go home from, in Bjørnevatn by bus number 900 and she, on the other side, in Lanabukt by 901. Then, suddenly she turned to me and said:
"You should be ashamed of yourself!"
"Why?", I said. "Shouldn't I stand by my sister?"
"Who gives a fuck about her? First, you think that you can be the only songwriter and the rest of us are useless".
"You are a liar!", I said. "You had written a song and you never presented it in our sessions".
"Because YOU told me it was too childish. Look who's talking about being childish. It's you the one who's refusing to grow up. You are 22 years old and you're still living with your mom. Peter Pan girl!".
WHAT A LIAR! I'd never told her that her song was childish! It was quite the contrary what I said. I liked it indeed and I told her that it reminded me of these songs that I used to listen to, when I was a kid. And the other thing....I was eating shit all these years in Ireland, so that she could just come and tell me that I'm living with my parents, only because I visit them every now and then, as they live on their own in a village, far from the rest of Europe! However, I stayed still, looking at her with an empty look, without saying a word.
"Stop gazing at me with an indifferent look. I want to strangle you, because you know very well what I've been talking about".
I kept on gazing at her, without understanding a single thing.
"You know that I'm on the verge of leaving the band, don't you?"
"Fare you well!", I said in a frozen tone.
"Don't expect me to sing in your next album".
I shrugged my shoulders. "And don't YOU expect me to compose anything about your voice".
"In case I leave the band, do you know what is going to happen?", she said approaching me. Woah, she was too short!
"I'll find another vocalist", I said in the same frozen and indifferent tone.
"Your sweet band and your dreams will be all dead! And then what are you going to do? Will you try to graduate from your studies, in which you also FAILED? Because you are worthless and a....slut. That's who you are. A fucking slut!"
I was staring down at her, without being able to understand why she was swearing at me this way.
"Don't gaze at me like an idiot. I know what you did in the summer with my husband".
"What did I do?", I shrieked.
"He told me everything. That you filled yourself on him and he couldn't resist. How could you do this? You have no boyfriend and you just went and slept with my husband!"
Oh, right! These are the fables that this son of a bitch told her. Then, I thought that I would be better off, if I wouldn't only not deny the whole thing, but if I would instead see where she will come into.
"Then, your husband is really faithful, isn't he, Lydia? He is so faithful that, once he gets horny, he can't resist at all", I said.
"You know about men. You do, because I've already heard you talking to Dina about your sexual adventures every night. Whore!"
At that time, I got to avoid her swearing, because 900 had just arrived. At least, before I got in the bus, I just told her Fuck off and I left. What did she call me like? A slut and a whore? This was unfair, really unfair. Not only didn't I do anything, but let's observe the whole thing a little bit better and see that in case I hadn't resisted enough, I could have been a rape victim by someone I....detested! That was freaking!
I reached home, carrying my luggage and this time I saw my parents holding a huge cake and chanting together: "Surpriiiiise!". Great! All I needed now was a surprise. I hugged them, put my fake smile on and said: "Mum, I need an hour to calm down". She said: "But....darling....".
"In a while", I said and left in a hurry, secretly crying. While being in an odd mental state, where I was either playing video games or sobbing alone, someone phoned me.. The other person on the line was speaking Greek: "Hello, Ingrid".
"Hey, Michalis, is that you?", I replied.
"Yes, I knew you were coming home from your tour today and I wanted to chat with you"
"I haven't been back more than half an hour ago".
"At least, did you have a nice time?", he asked.
"I think so", I replied.
"Are you sure?"
"I said, yes".
"When are you coming back to Ireland?".
"In January".
"I've missed you so much, my little girl".
"I know", I said warmly. "I've missed you too".
"Fine, I have to go. And don't forget that I've been constantly thinking about you".
I picked down the phone and I was looking away. He said he was constantly thinking about me? Why did he tell me something like this?
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