So in June I flew to Australia to meet Josh, being aware that in all likelihood it would be the last time I would ever see him. I wouldn't allow myself burst into tears for any reason. I would go there to say farewell to my friend. However, when I saw him, my heart couldn't bear this -he was in a total mess! He was completely emaciated, he had lost his hair, due to the chemos and was motionless in a bed. But when he saw me, his face and eyes became lit.
"I'm so embarrassed that you have to see all this", he told me, but I remained speechless and was only stroking his hand. I had gone there just for a purpose: I wanted to tell him all I was feeling about him, as I wasn't able to write it in my song. However, once more it was obvious that I had such a coward and weak character. I was staying in his room, gazing at him, as if I were a ninny, and caressing his hands. So I decided to tell him the truth: that I had no idea of what I could say to him and that the song is on the composing process and I even promised we would have time, so he can listen to it too.
"Yeah, but please be quick", he told me "We don't have much time".
The thought itself of losing him was killing me! I didn't even want to picture this. It was tragic! Even more tragic than my grandpa's death. Josh and I had lived an innocent romance. And you can never find this in the world! Because since the time that two people start sleeping with each other, they can't be called innocent. However, as strange as it might sound, this is something that Josh and I COULD be called. That's because both of us had innocent souls. We kept plush toys, even when we were sleeping together, we were reading Donald Duck comics and we were doing anything wild we could think of. If I lost Josh, I would also lose this tiny bit of innocence that I had kept from my wonderful old life.
I went back to Ireland, because I had to compose our next album along with the others. However, it was too obvious that our old fellowship was completely lost and it's my bad feelings they are to blame. We weren't getting together in a house to compose anymore (even though in the previous years, each one of us was in their own personal room), but we would write our own songs in complete isolation and seperately from each other. I would typically write all the lyrics and then each one of us would compose their own music. Lydia refused to get involved with songwriting, using the justification that we wouldn't like them. As I understand very well what it is like to underestimate yourself, I replied to her:
"You shouldn't have a low self-esteem. You're worth of too much". (Even though, it seems like an oxymoron to say something like this to a psychoanalyst).
As far as Dina is concerned, I'm afraid that she couldn't relate to the lyrics that I was writing about. Because my lyrics were a kind of musical psychobiography, which was usually connected with strong negative emotions. So, when I was writing about nostalgia and deep depression, Dina was probably feeling really uncomfortable to write about the joys of life and that's why she might not have wanted to contribute into writing lyrics at all. The main problem is that the others didn't either want to contribute to storytelling and for once again they let me write the lyrics all by myself. And in the end of the day, I can't say that this felt too bad for me, as it was a way for me to get all of my feelings out.
Not only was I full of stress and anxiety, but also Samantha told us: "By September, your album should be released". We were really pressured by the conditions and I cannot say that this is the right way for an artist to express their feelings. That's why, in my point of view, our fourth album is the worst record we ever did. (Although the older you get, the more you learn to appreciate all your children). The only song that is really worthy from that thing is the loveletter to Josh, the epitaph about him. As for the rest of the songs, even though they are musically fine, I was never lyrics-wise touched by them. It seemed like the only reason why I wrote the lyrics was just to say that Alexandria keep going and they're releasing a new album. I was never satisfied by the result and it was pity for my hard work in Middle East, where I interviewed so many local musicians for so many hours. Even though our field work was so good and careful, the album was composed too slouchily.
I was pissed off with everyone and everything. And unfortunately bursting out wasn't in my nature, otherwise I would kick everyone's asses. So, when I was getting angry, I would look at the other person in an impassive, white and empty stare. Vivian was going mad every time she would see me like that, because she knew, thus she was saying: "React somehow, will you? Stop having this empty look. It's killing me!". However, I couldn't do anything different. It was my only defence mechanism against life's troubles, otherwise I felt I would lose my mind and go mad. And nobody could understand that if I ever wanted to be healthy (as healthy as this behaviour can be judged that it was), I should pretend I had a complete distance from my own feelings. It was exactly the same behaviour that my sister, Monica had and for my part, I used to get mad when I would see her be like that. And it's too ironic, because now I also had the same attitude. What is also ironic is the fact that, truly speaking, I was an extremely emotional and sensitive person.
As I said, I was full of anger inside and I was somehow lashing out to the others, but in a completely subtle way, that is handling the whole situation on my own, and while I was playing the big boss, I was totally strict with everyone. During the parts, where the girls would sing, I would pressure them give their best self in singing, once the album was going to sound shit, at least the audience should listen to some good voices. Dina could understand how pressured I was feeling and she was playing along with me. However, Lydia got the chance to go against me and turn my life into a living hell. But I wouldn't surrender, for my part, and I was pressuring her as well. And I was pressuring her so much, that I might have been forcing her re-record the song ten times, until it sounded perfect. She was yelling at me: "If you don't like it, then go sing it yourself!" "Oh, really?", I would reply. "Have you changed your mind that my voice is terribly bad? Because if you haven't, shut up and sing!". And then, she would shut up and sing.
Now as far as the lyrics are concerned, I was mainly inspired by the Romantic Poetry as well as Shakespeare's plays and Sonnets. I had been working on them for so many hours, that while working in Kirkenes (because I used to travel from Ireland to Kirkenes and vice versa), very often I would be woken up by my mum in the middle of the night, because I had fallen asleep on my keys, while having the Sonnets and my notes in my arms. However, some songs contained very personal lyrics, referring to private aspects of my personality that I could NEVER talk about to others. And these things were about experiences I had missed a lot and I knew I would never live again: grandpa's stories, my enthusiasm when I founded Orchidea's Tales, Harbour Oil, diving in the Ocean along with Daniel, and the innocent romance I had with Josh. But the most important thing was that I once had so many interests and that I was boasting about my busy-because-of-my-so-many-interests personality, while now I couldn't feel any pride nor even for my studies. I was nothing more than a storytelling and a composer, as Lydia used to tell me, when we used to have our private and deep discussions. I wasn't doing anything important and worthwhile, in order to be able to feel any proud about it at all. And what was scaring me most of all is that in case I lost Josh, I would also lose all of my inspiration. And then there would be no more Alexandria album, nor a book, nor an Orchidea's Tales story. So what would I be? Then I would be nothing more than a dead Poetry, a carcass thrown away, left to rot under the trees.
We went to Rockfield to record the album, even though we were still in the composition process. However, some songs were already completed, so why not recording them? One song we included was something I had composed myself, its name was Childhood Thoughts and it was primarily acoustic. My idea for that song is that we would find a small Irish girl, preferably under six years old and record her telling us about her thoughts about several aspects of life --what we wanted to show was how a preschool child can view life. Vivian was friends with a woman, Ashleigh McDermott, who was a musician and had a daughter, Anna. Anna was four years old and had an incomprehensible Northern Irish accent. I remember clearly that we had all gathered at my place, where I had invited Ashleigh along with her daughter for dinner. I was holding little Anna in my arms, telling her: "Do you want us to take you to the studio and record you talking to us about Christmas, your family, the village....?" Fortunately, the young kid was willing to do this. and she was such a good girl, that didn't accept any kinds of sweets or candies, that I offered to buy her later. So, we took her to the studio, put her in a pouffe and she was even holding a plush toy of mine (Yep, mine! Even though I was already twenty years old). And then she said anything we expected her to say, and it was obvious how innocent children are and that they say spontaneously whatever they think. However she had such a strong Northern Irish accent, that later during live performances of this song it was necessary that we used subtitles for these points.
Time went by and we were recording with the band, so we didn't have a complete sense of time. The song for Josh was towards its end, but was still incomplete. As we were pressured by the producers, I decided to call it Harbour Oil, but left it for the end. I wish I were a bit more brainheaded. In the 7th of July, while still being in the studio, someone called me. I didn't pick up and without noticing who had called me, I instantly muted my phone, as we were recording. However, during the break, I realised that I had nine unanswered calls. Frightened, I rushed out and called this number.
"Good morning, Ingrid", a woman was heard in a whimper. "I am Josh's mum".
Then, I understood what had happened.
"Is he....is he gone?", I asked in a frozen and empty tone.
Her heart-wrenching sob was heard over the phone and then a BEEP BEEP BEEP sound.
I left my phone and became a heap on the floor.
I was lost forever.
*******************************
I remember myself lying in my own sofa. I suddenly stood up, because I remembered what had happened. I must have fainted and the others picked me up. I achieved to hold back my tears, because I didn't want the others to start bombardising me with questions. However, I told them that Josh's mum called me, in order to announce me that he had passed away.
The others stayed with me for a while, however after that all I wanted was to stay on my own. I was breaking down in tears and didn't know how I could manage the whole situation. I was completely alone and helpless now. I had lost both of my closest people and couldn't find any support from anywhere. What was I going to do?
Josh's death had devastated me. But I wouldn't put it off. The others in the band hadn't even known about the fact that I was going to compose his epitaph. So, I was going to write the song's epilogue, without telling anybody. I didn't want to talk, nor was I able to. If I had started to talk, on the one hand I would simultaneously break into tears and on the other hand I would be overtaken and tell much more than I should. And that would be the complete destruction of my psyche. That's why I should pretend that I'm gradually getting over it and keep on composing. However, all this that had happened could not leave my mind in peace. I didn't manage to give him the song in time. For once I had the chance to tell a beloved person how I felt about him and I let it slip through my fingers. And for that I am myself only to blame and my own perfectionism. Because if I hadn't thought that I should first complete it, in order to give it to Josh, he would now have died, but knowing how much I loved him. However now everything was over. Because of my perfectionism, I didn't fulfill my friend's last wish. And this didn't only hurt me, but was killing me inside.
However, I preferred to stay expressionless, apathetic and with an empty look about everything that was happening during the recording sessions. The band wouldn't be destroyed because of my personal insecurities. And of course my own withdrawal meant that everybody (both members and the others who were dealing with the band's business) could be running wild around freely and do whatever they liked. As I previously said, we were forced to have the album released by September, thus, in contrast with the previous albums, we were composing and recording simultaneously, so the lyrics were far away enough from my own feelings. However, there were a few songs, where you could clearly notice these dysthymic emotions and our famous dystopian irony (a very usual aspect of our songs at that time), which showed everything I was going through at that point of my life. This means that if you examined clearly the verses, you would think that this Poet had heavy and negative feelings. In other words, it was completely obvious that I couldn't find any happiness, nor satisfaction, nor interest, nor appreciation for anything that I did. There wasn't any single bit of self-esteem on me and since Josh died I could never be able to forgive myself, because I believed it was my fault and only my fault. So, when I gave my own compositions to the band, they instantly started bombardising me with questions like: What's wrong with you?, Are you feeling ok?, How can we help you feel better?, But why do you feel like that? etc. And I knew that they would say all this because of their kind heart and because they cared about me and they indeed wanted to stand by me in such difficult moments. But I didn't want anybody to feel pity of me, because I was guilty of my own fate and I couldn't become a burden to a whole band, which would feel sorry about me. Thus, I kept on having the tactic of the empty gaze, so that nobody could understand what I was thinking or feeling.
We spent the whole summer in Wales, recording the album, but my withdrawal was too obvious, even though I was trying very hard to conceal my feelings. By that, I mean that, while in previous years, after the recording sessions all of us used to go out for a drink, now I was staying at home and the others were going out for a coffee. And this kind of change in my behaviour was indeed obvious, because the others in the band, and in Orchidea's Tales, would call me to see what was going on. Lulu was the one who cared a lot about me and would usually stay with me and we were playing video games together, but most of all Dina was the one who was spending more time with me and was looking after me. On the other hand, Lydia thought that the whole thing is too exaggerated and it's just a simple death. Indeed, at some point she told me: "Probably all these discussions we've had through the years were completely useless for you. You're just a lost case". I was rather hurt by what she told me and felt too embarrassed to open up again to her about my emotions, because I thought she was right. But I turned to Dina instead, whom I started having long discussions with, just like the previous years, and she would always try to make me feel even better. However, this was in vain, no matter how much effort she put into me. I had lost my most precious human, so I was lost too.
Nevertheless, we hired some traditional musicians and we gradually finished recording our album once again in Rockfield Studios in Wales. As you can see, it became our favourite studio. Eventually, I decided that the song about Josh wouldn't be called Harbour Oil, but its name would be Lament for a Dead Friend. And after all this hard work, our fourth LP came out in the 2nd of September, 2016, under the name Deep Sea Creatures, and with that I started introducing my harbour oil to people. The album's cover depicted a shark under the waves and this received many critics, as our previous albums depicted dystopian and psychotic imageson their covers, which would instantly catch the listener's attention. However, our music had become more accessible to people's ears, even though we didn't want to create an album, in order that we impress the audiences. What I wanted to do (and did) was to express my own feelings and nothing more. Of course, you should know that this was rather risky, as far as the band's success is concerned, because I could never be sure that the audience would be able to relate with my own feelings.
Soon after the album was released we gave a few interviews. I decided that I had to show my real self and not pretend something I am not. That's why I was totally honest in every interview, but without being any emotional at all. I talked about my interests and childish nature, due to my young age and I also referred to the fact that, in contrast to a lot of musicians, after gaining some fame I hadn't become corrupted. What I simply meant was that I was no narcissist, nor did I take advantage of the fact that I was popular among a few more people, in order to feel important and that I've been a rather modest human being. But there was something that I said and paid dearly for that later: I admitted I was a heavy smoker and that my friends and I very often binge drink, but I also boasted about the fact that I'm one of those few musicians who don't and will never use drugs. And I indeed felt really proud of myself that, concerning this issue I was innocent and it was something I was, in general, boasting about. Even to this day, I'm honestly opposed to drug usage.
After we were over with the interviews, we noticed that the album had some good critics in Germany, Scandinavia and the UK, whereas we had started to gain some popularity in smaller European states too. That's why we started with this massive European tour, in order to thank our good friends.
No comments:
Post a Comment